tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-60415422024-03-14T16:41:18.218+05:30Son of BoseyThe randomly updated Indian humour siteAnand Ramachandranhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06070164342449790630noreply@blogger.comBlogger128125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-33822144502367595652021-06-15T13:35:00.005+05:302021-06-15T14:06:01.388+05:30BJP moves Supreme Court, demands that PM Modi be appointed leader of opposition.<p><i> by Anand Ramachandran, who believes in the omnigreatness of PM Modi.</i></p><p>In a sudden move that took even the keenest government watchers by surprise, the BJP has filed a writ petition before the Supreme Court of India, demanding that PM Narendra Modi be immediately appointed as the leader of the opposition in the Lok Sabha.</p><p>"A strong opposition is essential for a healthy, vibrant democracy. As the BJP and PM Modi are strongly committed to strengthening India's democratic process, we believe that it is our duty to ensure that the opposition is led by the best possible candidate - who, we can all agree, is PM Modi himself", explained senior advocate and BJP spokesperson Gaurav Bhatia, resisting the very understandable temptation to add 'none other than' before 'PM Modi himself' to make the language seem more pompous, old-fashioned, and cumbersome.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5y3iEwoZN-YpBS63xKroyg1D9jeWH3jh2Fh8nReGaDAOZchbbxQzTCEcbYHiBcKR74dtkqebXtJJAV8PMzGlOG5dR6bhctyTgkaVkjhiopatL50355o77qJevDDNNGZ7cSdwTvQ/s800/modikharge2.jpeg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="800" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5y3iEwoZN-YpBS63xKroyg1D9jeWH3jh2Fh8nReGaDAOZchbbxQzTCEcbYHiBcKR74dtkqebXtJJAV8PMzGlOG5dR6bhctyTgkaVkjhiopatL50355o77qJevDDNNGZ7cSdwTvQ/w400-h224/modikharge2.jpeg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />PM Narendra Modi and soon-to-be-deposed leader of the opposition Mallikarjun Kharge share their views on Rahul Gandhi in the presence of a disinterested-looking Sardarji.</td></tr></tbody></table><p><br />The BJP Government in India has often been criticized for forcibly appointing their own candidates in positions of power, to take control of institutions like the CBI, the Reserve Bank, influential media houses, universities, religious institutions, LAN parties, spatula focus-groups, and gangs of three-year-olds who like Spider-Man. But even their most stringent critics will have to admit that this is a smart, subversive move that nobody can argue with, if you can look past the irony.</p><p>"Take THIS, those of you who constantly dig up my old tweets and joke about how I make a better opposition leader than PM. Who's laughing now, eh?", said PM Modi, taking a swipe at his legions of Twitter critics. "Those of you who said that I should respect the views of the opposition, are you happy now? There is nobody whose views I respect more than my own, so problem solved", he winked, adding that, in the interests of fairness and equality, the BJP would now file sedition cases against people who criticized the opposition leader as well.</p><p>"That's not fair! I am the leader of the opposition! He can't take that away from me! I'll tell my mother", said Congress leader Rahul Gandhi, inadvertently drawing attention to the general irrelevance of Mallikarjun Kharge by forgetting his existence. </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_VH69vJqKd57DVEOiven5nRYUhNvgkMSjAM_CTo_kiKiN6OwR_sIjvJ7hoBAKCzPlf4HkysmiZHJKNA3vOceX7QPlxHYo8UYHeuUD0yrxdjELobY6zAV0dWxfiBaek5z_ZQk25w/s800/ragakharge.jpeg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="448" data-original-width="800" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_VH69vJqKd57DVEOiven5nRYUhNvgkMSjAM_CTo_kiKiN6OwR_sIjvJ7hoBAKCzPlf4HkysmiZHJKNA3vOceX7QPlxHYo8UYHeuUD0yrxdjELobY6zAV0dWxfiBaek5z_ZQk25w/w400-h224/ragakharge.jpeg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /><i>Spot the leader of the opposition. Skip this question of you're a member of the congress party. We understand.</i></td></tr></tbody></table><p><br />"Oh, wait, what? Mallikarjun Kharge is the leader of the opposition? When did that happen?", asked a confused looking senior Congressman Salman Khurshid, disoriented by the fact that an important post in the party was held by someone not named 'Gandhi'. "Sorry, have to leave now. Need to compose an unnecessary rejoinder to Ramachandra Guha that nobody will take seriously", he added before grabbing on to someone's coattails to get to his destination.</p><p>The reaction from the general public has, as always, been mixed.</p><p>"Did the BJP just invent the BYOO political party? That's kind of cool, if you can look past the irony", quipped an excited looking Sankalesh Jimmy. "I hope this doesn't give ideas to the BCCI - next thing you know, they'll be conducting a world test championship between India and India", he quipped again, somehow causing a 30% dip in Bitcoin with a seemingly unrelated throwaway comment.</p><p>"It's no big deal. It's sort of like playing Dhalsim vs Dhalsim in Street Fighter V. Perfectly acceptable. If you can look past the eerie resemblance ro Sadhguru", grinned renowned video game expert Vinay Nilakantan.</p><p>"I think it is the right move. Why do we need democracy? Modi is the best person for all jobs. In fact, he should also be made the president of China, the prime minister of Pakistan, the captain of the German women's football team and the director-general of UNESCO, so that he can give himself all the awards he richly deserves.", said an elderly uncle known only as "KRV Mama". He, however, declined to send the message out to his relatives and friends on WhatsApp, when he realized that he actually had to take the effort to type it out instead of simply forwarding it. "No problem. Somebody else will do it anyway", he explained, shedding light on his general approach to things such as community service, cooking, and voting.</p><p>We tried really hard, but no world famous wildlife photographers could be contacted for comments. We apologize for the inconvenience.</p><p>---------------------------------------------------------</p><p><i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></i></p><p><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">For Surekha, who used to laugh at all my stupid shit. I'm still making up nonsense Surangani verses that rhyme with 'Pillai'. I'll tell you when I get there.</span></i></p>Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-22939545254921391422020-07-10T11:40:00.001+05:302020-07-10T11:40:46.429+05:30BHAKT Magazin - Issues #6 - #9<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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It's been a fun run so far. Here's what I've been accused of being up to this point : </div>
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<b>1. Hindu Hater</b><br />Because making fun of Baba Ramdev and Sadhguru (both of whom earn ridiculous amounts of money by actually conning innocent Hindus of varying degrees of sophistication into parting with their hard-earned money by peddling superstition, half-truths and outright lies) clearly amounts to spreading hate against all Hindus. These are men who openly mock genuine Hindu tenets (austerity, truth, humility) by openly parading their egos, enjoying (and actively using) immense wealth and power, and indulging in falsification of data, media cover-ups and distorting truth (latest case in point - Patanjali damaging the reputation of all of Ayurveda by trying to market some genuinely useful but mild ayurvedic medicines as some sort of life-saving COVID drug). Saying these guys are symbols that represent all of Hinduism is like saying Bovonto is a symbol that represents all of nutrition, and making fun of it means that I am spreading hate against food.</div>
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<b>2. Paid Congress Stooge</b></div>
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Yeah, right. They must be sending the money through BHIM to the <a href="http://bigfatphoenix.blogspot.com/2014/10/the-anand-ramachandran-escalation.html" target="_blank">wrong Anand Ramachandran.</a></div>
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<b>3. Pakistan Supporter</b></div>
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Mainly because I never make fun of Pakistan or Islam. Judging by this yardstick, by virtue of my not having made fun of them, I am also a supporter of the following things : </div>
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<li>Diabetes</li>
<li>Arun Vijay's hairstyles</li>
<li>Getting your penis caught in a zipper</li>
<li>Global Drought and Famine</li>
<li>The Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan</li>
<li>Form 16A</li>
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Oh, wait...</div>
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<b>4. Anti-National</b></div>
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This bothered me, so I made a simple quiz to test the hypothesis.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6Poe8CxR9_BHrsYmyGH6dQvmsvZRMFBM2qUb02hx6gh8SshKIbdaFuC_4LBO_KAY22l9kieOhL67pJaCF00RMHi8bqMCjuiXpZnKpv13AtsbsloK6asjSykkxB15UAzQT9bGBxA/s1600/ANTI-NATIONAL+QUIZ.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6Poe8CxR9_BHrsYmyGH6dQvmsvZRMFBM2qUb02hx6gh8SshKIbdaFuC_4LBO_KAY22l9kieOhL67pJaCF00RMHi8bqMCjuiXpZnKpv13AtsbsloK6asjSykkxB15UAzQT9bGBxA/s400/ANTI-NATIONAL+QUIZ.jpg" width="300" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6Poe8CxR9_BHrsYmyGH6dQvmsvZRMFBM2qUb02hx6gh8SshKIbdaFuC_4LBO_KAY22l9kieOhL67pJaCF00RMHi8bqMCjuiXpZnKpv13AtsbsloK6asjSykkxB15UAzQT9bGBxA/s1600/ANTI-NATIONAL+QUIZ.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a></div>
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Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-29757308642937059412020-06-15T15:03:00.001+05:302020-06-15T15:04:31.388+05:30BHAKT Magazine - Issues #1 - #5<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Well, many of you asked, so here. I'm putting up all five issues of BHAKT magazine here.<br />
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I started doing this because of a few reasons :<br />
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<li>I wanted to remind myself that I hadn't lost the ability to enjoy myself doing satire, and misplaced my usual defense mechanism of laughing like an idiot when things look bad. Just wanted to dust off some old techniques and have some fun in the process, because the laughs were drying up (no booze, no #bikang. Fuck you, COVID)</li>
<li>The BJP government makes it almost too easy. Making fun of these guys is like taking candy from a baby, or counting Devang Gandhi's match-winning international hundreds. </li>
<li>Some fights need fighting. This is a government that is enabling dangerous thugs who run rampant, spreading hate, lies and violence against the defenseless. We must all raise our voices in whatever way we can, and this is one of the ways I know.</li>
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I have no idea how long I'll keep this up, but will keep posting here if possible with some additional commentary and easter eggs. </div>
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And finally, a clarification for BJP and Modi supporters : </div>
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Yes, I disagree with this government and the BJP as a party on several issues, many fundamental. I do not think Modi is a good PM, or the current BJP government is doing a good job.<br />
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No, I do not think Rahul Gandhi or the Congress are great solutions to our problems, I remember their corrupt, inept and distastrous time in power quite clearly. I'm not congress-funded, congi or any of the other things you guys may think.</div>
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If Modi or the BJP government returns to power and do a better job, I will be glad. I have nothing personal against them as people, just their ideologies and actions in government. If someone takes their place and continues to do a poor job, I will call them out just as vocally.</div>
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I'm a satirist, and I will go after anything I believe is wrong, unjust, incompetent or absurd. I target the BJP because they happen to be in power. I will continue to target anyone in power who abuses that power.</div>
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You are,needless to say, completely free to make fun of me in return. My rule has always been "Don't dish it out if you can't take it".<br />
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Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-90171667750746382502020-06-15T14:36:00.003+05:302020-06-15T15:05:10.063+05:30The Mad King of Dillekoostan - All Strips<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
This is a comic strip I did on Instagram and FB a few months ago (seems like a lifetime) during the CAA-NRC protests and the subsequent Delhi pogroms.<br />
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Some of my satire output comes, like most satire, from a place of anger. But most of it comes from a place of great sadness at what human beings are capable of doing to each other when they act from fear and anger.<br />
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Luckily, I can convert that into badly drawn comics and maybe make a few people laugh, and even fewer think a little.<br />
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Here are all of the strips I drew and wrote.<br />
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Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-53478045533914072572020-04-20T19:33:00.003+05:302020-04-20T19:34:31.712+05:30The Times of Stupid - 006<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Man, this Tejasvi Surya is a fine piece of work. <a href="https://twitter.com/awryaditi/status/1251931499286446080" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Hate, Islamophobia, misogyny</a>, <a href="https://twitter.com/Tejasvi_Surya/status/1252122676207861761" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">stupidity</a> - all in one convenient package. Sometimes I even get how the old farts got his way, and take comfort in the fact that we'll be dead soon enough. But the young ones like Surya scare me. Such capacity for hate at such a young age. </div>
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Also, fellow cricket fans, nostalgia is great and all that, but it's wearing a it thin no? No? Didn't think so. Just wait until the inevitable compilations of Jacob Martin's unparalleled 'defensive cover-drives'. Then we'll see.</div>
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I've also been enjoying <a href="https://twitter.com/VidyaKrishnan" target="_blank">Vidya Krishnan's</a> reporting on Twitter from the daily Health Ministry press briefings on the COVID-19 situation. But I often wonder why they even have these briefings at all - wouldn't it be simpler to just play the same video of Lav Agarwal rambling unrelated nonsense every day on loop, so that the poor guy could free up some time without detracting any value from the reporters' experience? Maybe someone should suggest it.</div>
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Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-11105277342135091892020-04-12T14:32:00.002+05:302020-04-12T17:15:36.043+05:30The Times of Stupid - 005<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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People like Rahul Kanwal sow more seeds of future violence than even most terrorist organizations. He has treated children with cruelty, violence and hate - this only propagates the cycle, never heals anything. If the media in this country truly want to end terrorism, we need to treat children with love and compassion, not tell them that the society they live in hates and mistrusts them. Kanwal's actions have just possibly created several violent young men who will undoubtedly seek revenge many years later. </div>
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See through the lies - these people do not want to see an end to violence - that would mean they're out of jobs.</div>
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Meanwhile, I think Narendra Modi has really painted himself into a corner now. Even if he were to admit publicly to a mistake, the monster he's created would surely swallow him. </div>
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In other news - I found out, quite by accident, that Kovid is a name in India. My commiserations, guys. I can only imagine what it would be like for me if there was a dangerous disease named 'Anand Ramachandran'.</div>
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Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-5077324114847671962020-04-01T18:17:00.000+05:302020-04-01T18:17:01.129+05:30The Times of Stupid - 004<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Sometimes, I don't know whether to laugh or to cry. Religious bigotry. Politicization of a global pandemic. Media gags as a misguided way to 'stop panic'. A Government that asks the media to stop reporting Coronavirus numbers except from official Government sources, but looks the other way as the same media spreads hate by taking every opportunity they can to find someone to blame (migrants, muslims, whoever they don't like).</div>
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I guess I'll laugh because I'm not very good at crying.</div>
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Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-76556819711936475322020-03-28T13:19:00.002+05:302020-03-28T13:19:46.197+05:30The Times of Stupid - 003<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtr6Huw-3LznDC8-74BycXJQGUvYlqhSS7m42e-NhUtgoxbf_ZoeWL0O9rAo62qBw9NjAgm30W02UPGpHTz1EvwUrAbjfAs_y6Mq8DjO1Vs11O0yX1-RAysksph8vo6eohyLQ8wg/s1600/tos003.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1136" data-original-width="640" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtr6Huw-3LznDC8-74BycXJQGUvYlqhSS7m42e-NhUtgoxbf_ZoeWL0O9rAo62qBw9NjAgm30W02UPGpHTz1EvwUrAbjfAs_y6Mq8DjO1Vs11O0yX1-RAysksph8vo6eohyLQ8wg/s640/tos003.png" width="360" /></a></div>
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I understand the need to stay supportive of a Government's efforts in times of crisis, and avoid sabotaging genuine crisis management initiatives, but this Government's utter lack of empathy for the poorest and most marginalized of our people makes it impossible to do so.</div>
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It's distressing to see the privileged constantly ignoring (at best) and often berating and harassing poor labourers and immigrants, vilifying them for purportedly spreading a virus which came into India through privileged international travellers. </div>
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At times like this, we need to empathize with the helpless, and do what we can to help them. They're scared and don't have anywhere to go, no money and no food. Our lives are not any more important than theirs, their fears and anxieties no less valid than ours.</div>
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Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-12601988364011961152020-03-26T18:26:00.002+05:302020-03-26T18:27:08.615+05:30The Times of Stupid - 002<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Thanks Raisa Elizabeth Bastian for the art. She makes awesome comics and art over on Instagram - <a href="https://www.instagram.com/creatorrofstufff/" target="_blank">follow her here.</a></div>
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Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-81900165027384494042020-03-25T22:09:00.000+05:302020-03-25T22:09:35.584+05:30The Times of Stupid - Issue 001<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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This is a new series I'm starting because, thanks to a 21 day lockdown in India, I have some time and I can't stand the stupidity anymore.</div>
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The world is staying indoors because we're under attack from an enemy we cannot see and cannot negotiate with. People are increasingly mistrustful of each other, being manipulated and enthralled by peddlers of hate and violence. Instead of looking for truth, we settle for confirmation bias. Instead of seeking harmony, we revel in winning petty arguments. We sacrifice basic human principles like compassion, kindness and forgiveness at the altars of ego, greed and revenge.</div>
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We're scared, we're clueless and we're looking anywhere for hope and reassurance. And when everywhere you look there's so much hysteria, doomsaying, misinformation, ignorance and superstition, it can be hard to stay sane. Yet staying sane is perhaps the most critical thing every one of us needs to do - because only sane people can provide the sane response these situations need. </div>
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It's a measure of how crazy the world has become that 'Fake News' is, today, a very real threat - a malevolent machine that constantly spews out dangerous lies aimed at the heart of all that is good, innocent and pure. It wasn't always like this. 'Fake News', as pioneered by The Onion and imitated by hundreds of others, including this blog, was once meant to make us see the truth, by holding up a 'funny mirror' to the world. We wrote absurd and ridiculous jokes that, by laying bare all our foolishness, tried to get a few laughs and provoke a few thoughts.</div>
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I think it's time to reclaim 'Fake News' so that people who spread rumours, falsehoods and misrepresentations can no longer hide behind the term, and we can go back to calling these what they really are - 'lies'.</div>
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Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-25014953540124815952013-04-21T17:01:00.002+05:302013-10-15T18:39:51.738+05:30What If IPL match reports were written by corporate brochure copy-writers ? <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small;"><i>by Anand Ramachandran, who has written copy for more corporate brochures than he would like to admit.</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">With M.S.Dhoni becoming a VP of India Cements, Australian cricketers being suspended for not making Power-Point slides and sixers being referred to as Yes!Bank maximums - what next in the corporate-bladization of cricket? Why, match reports of course! Why depend on silly journalists and reporters to crank out daily match reports when we can just hire some lame copywriters to write up reports using the same awesome techniques they use to sell companies and brands? That way, reading about cricket matches can be as exciting and thrilling as reading corporate brochures and watching corporate videos! Not convinced? Here's a sampler of Saturdays CSK-KKR match written in corporate-bladese.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">CSK vs KKR - A step towards a winning future.</span></h3>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">CSK is the market leader in IPL cricket matches - with an unmatched record backed by strong consistent performance and a clear vision for our future roadmap.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="orphans: 2; text-align: -webkit-auto; widows: 2;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A powerful combination of best-in-class fielding, efficient middle-overs management and top of the line finishing is what we at CSK depended on for success in the match against KKR on Saturday evening.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">CSK - Delivering stakeholder value</span></h3>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIIUE1v9jQ3quY6CjXp94GI_XpSQ3NpO0ndXY3u0qLv8M1TUvN22YWb5-Ri9RtHBqPVSCB5c_mg3HVu7Lh70SeR20wDnDYEMAAo1Pro8EjNF0u8dZ9-Dg61cZTANK3rph_74IRcA/s1600/ashwin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><img border="0" height="259" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIIUE1v9jQ3quY6CjXp94GI_XpSQ3NpO0ndXY3u0qLv8M1TUvN22YWb5-Ri9RtHBqPVSCB5c_mg3HVu7Lh70SeR20wDnDYEMAAo1Pro8EjNF0u8dZ9-Dg61cZTANK3rph_74IRcA/s320/ashwin.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Always at the forefront of innovation. First we inovated by opening the bowling with Ashwin. Next, we innovated by opening the batting with him. In the coming months, we will roll-out plans to open the fielding with him.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our world class pace and spin bowling practices helped usher in a low total to chase, ensuring that KKR was restricted to a low total that is typical of our competitors in the IPL. It is performances like these that give our stakeholders the confidence that CSK will deliver the value they expect from the market leader in the world's premier T20 tournament.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The CSK advantage</span></h3>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ravindra Jadeja reflected the CSK commitment to excellence by delivering several best-in-class sixes in the end overs to ensure successful project completion within the stipulated time frame of twenty overs.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We drove forward our chase through a blend of innovation (Ashwin as opener) and proven best practices (Hussey as opener). When faced with challenges in the middle overs, our personnel responded by leveraging their core competencies and and hitting industry standard sixes in the end overs to see the project through successfully to the very end.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">CSK - Driving onward with vision</span></h3>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">India Cements VP Mr.M.S.Dhoni and India Cements MD Mr. N.Srinivasan - guiding CSK towards a better tomorrow.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Under the able leadership of India Cements Vice-President Mr.M.S.Dhoni (also the captain of the Indian cricket team), powered by our commitment to quality cricket, passion for winning and meticulous attention to detail, we confidently stride towards a better tomorrow for CSK, our players, our management, and most importantly, to you, our fans.</span></div>
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Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-32230652895750677122013-04-09T18:28:00.003+05:302013-04-09T18:28:41.380+05:30Watching the IPL is like watching porn.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I have a circle of friends who are die-hard test cricket lovers, and in today's times, this automatically means that you are required to loathe everything about the IPL, even if you don't.</div>
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Because of this, our experience of watching the IPL is eerily similar to that of watching that other great modern synthesis of physical athleticism, sex-appeal and entertainment - porn. </div>
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Why? All of us actually watch it, but alone and in private - we would never admit to it in public. It is hard to imagine watching it with a group of friends, over a few beers, frantically pointing at the screen and yelling "Come on! Come on!". Everybody loudly denounces it as a bane of modern society, a money-making exercise created by greedy charlatans to exploit the immature and stupid masses. It is available in HD channels and as live video streams on the Internet. It features actors and models who never quite made it big in mainstream cinema. The similarity is undeniable.</div>
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In fact, the only two people in my extended social circle who seem willing to watch IPL games with me are my neighbour Sankalesh Jimmy, and my maternal uncle, who will will simply refer to as Ambi Mama. </div>
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Watching the games with Ambi Mama can be fun, or not fun, depending on which side you take in the raging international debate over whether T.E.Srinivasan was a better opening bat than S.M.Gavaskar. In fact, Ambi Mama sincerely believes that the entire creation of the IPL is the outcome of a heated argument between Gavaskar and S.Venkataraghavan on the Madras Cricket Club lawns in 1981. My uncle is one of the thousands of residents of Mylapore and Triplicane who routinely blame Gavaskar for absolutely everything - from the decline of the Ranji Trophy to substandard pitches to the excessive tightness of Madan Lal's T-shirts. Just about everything is Sunny's fault. When young Unmukt Chand was bowled by Brett Lee off the first ball of this year's tournament, Ambi Mama slapped his own forehead rapidly thrice before bellowing "<i>Ayyo! Ayyo! Ayyo! Pochu Po! Yellam indha Gavaskar thappa solli kuduthuruppaan! Badavaaskar!</i>" (Translation : Shite! Shite! Shite! That's down the toilet! That rascal Gavaskar must have taught him the wrong techniques! Note - there is no reasonable translation for 'Badavaaskar'.) </div>
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He also believes that the third umpire should permanently be replaced by the late Swaroop Kishen, and insists on referring to Kieron Pollard as "Thyagu". He drives me nuts.</div>
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Unable to bear Ambi Mama's tam-brahm intensity, I decided that perhaps Sankalesh would be the better companion for a subsequent game. </div>
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Sankalesh is one of those guys who totally delights in the IPL . He loves every minute of it - primarily because he can then come up with some bizarre theory to explain even the most prosaic of events. The other day he claimed that Sachin Tendulkar had deliberately scored a duck in the game against CSK.</div>
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"Did you know that Mumbai Indians never lose when Sachin gets out for a duck? Which is why he selflessly sacrificed his wicket for a duck against Chennai and won the match for his team. Who says he isn't a matchwinner?", he said. "Other players can win matches by scoring hundreds or fifties, but only Sachin can consistently win matches by scoring ducks. What a great team man!"</div>
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Of course, I had to ask why, if this stratagem was clearly so effective, Tendulkar did not simply resort to it all the time. It did not faze him. "You think it is easy for Sachin to get out for a duck? It is in fact easier for him to score a fifty than get out for a duck. Look at the stats - he has scored 15 fifties in T20 but only five or six ducks. But each one of them has been a matchwinning one."</div>
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As you can see, it's been a stressful week of cricket watching. But it was not without its moments of delight. Chief among these was watching Jaspreet Bumrah, whose bowling action is surely one of modern cricket's great sights. He looks like one of the Autobots would if he, in the middle of transforming into a sports car , suddenly changed his mind and bowled some medium-pace instead. Three wickets despite that action! Or perhaps because of it. This is why I love the IPL - the larger viewing public may have never seen this kid otherwise.</div>
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<span style="font-family: Tahoma;"><i>P.S. - The keen observers among you may have noticed the departure from the Fake News format. I'm tired of that - so I may do it once in a while, but no reason not to do more generic stuff. I think.</i></span></div>
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Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-31827173909473606882013-02-16T20:06:00.001+05:302013-02-16T20:06:22.528+05:30Trappist Monks Claim Manmohan Singh's Long Silences Offend Their Religious Sentiments, Want Government of India Banned.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.1875px;">The monks of the </span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.1875px;">Order of Cistercians of the Strict Observance, commonly known as the Trappists, have demanded an apology from the Government of India - claiming that Prime Minister Manmohan Singh's long periods of absolute silence offends their religious sentiments.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.1875px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">"The sentiments of the Trappist order have been hurt by the silence of Indian Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh, which is an obvious attempt to mock our belief of devout non-speech." said a spokesmonk for the Order, before being immediately excommunicated for breaking his silence.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.1875px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Another monk then took over the duties of briefing the media, resorting to dumb-charades to convey his message.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.1875px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">"Four words. First word. Now? No? Okay . . here? This? THIS! Got it. Third word. Rhymes with ? Ball? Another word? Another word for Rhymes? Oh sorry - another word for ball. Round? Sphere?" he said angrily to the reporters gathered.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.1875px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Quickly getting frustrated with his chosen method of communication, he then handed out printed press releases to the audience, shaking his head to show his displeasure.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.1875px;">According to the words of the release, "</span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px;">The sentiments of the Trappist order have been hurt by the silence of Indian Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh, which is an obvious attempt to mock our belief of devout non-speech. His non-words have upset the many thousands of Trappists worldwide.We demand that the Supreme Court of India ban the Government of India at once, until Dr.Singh apologizes to us, and promises that he will not mock us by being needlessly silent ever again. If the court does not do anything about this, we cannot guarantee that there will be law and order in Indian cities." The trappists also claimed that they had proof of Dr.Singh's offensive and damaging non-statements, and provided a CD featuring 60 minutes of complete silence recorded in the Prime Minister's voice as evidence to back their claims.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px;"><i>Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh, pleased that his team mates have guessed the first word, signals "second word" in a session of dumb-charades with finance minister P.Chidambaram and senior Congress leader Ghulam Nabi Azad (not in picture).</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The Congress party has, of course, been quick to rubbish these allegations.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 19px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">"It is ludicrous to say that the Prime Minister's silence has hurt anyone's religious sentiments. How can anyone be hurt by someone NOT saying something ?" said Communications and IT minister Kabil Sibal, beginning fairly strongly and logically by his standards. "And so what if they cannot guarantee law and order? Neither can the Indian Government. At least on that, we're on the same page.", he quipped.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 19px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"> " We need to protect freedom of non-expression. The Prime Minister, just like every Indian citizen, is guaranteed the right to free silence by our constitution. It is our duty to protect these rights." added Mr.Sibal, slowly starting to chip away at a block of irony he had been hiding under his armpit.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 19px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">"Also, the CD is clearly doctored. The silence on the CD sounds nothing like the PM's silence. It has been morphed." he said, slowly but surely returning to form.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="line-height: 19px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">"Also, everybody knows that Dr.Singh has been making a constant effort to be more like Beyonce. So these days he lip-syncs all his silence. I don't see why the Trappists are getting so offended." he concluded, cranking it all the way up to eleven in his inimitable style.</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Mr.Sibal has also ordered the immediate arrest of three people for not forwarding any cartoons about Dr.Singh on social media, claiming that the non-forwarding of cartoons insults the Prime Minister's habitual silence. He has also warned that people who don't tweet or don't post FB status updates would be at risk of getting arrested for defaming Dr.Singh. "We are using infra-red USB Bluetooth to monitor every tweet that isn't tweeted and every FB status that isn't posted. If the CBI finds anything defamatory, offensive or downright mean about the Prime Minister's silence, we will take action.", he said, reminding people, for the first time in his life, of Sunny Leone.</span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">However, many people in India have actually sympathized with the Trappist Order on the issue. "If they want Manmohan Singh to speak up, and the Government of India banned, then I'm all for it." said a world famous Wildlife Photographer, on condition of anonymity. "If the Government itself is banned, then people will have the freedom to watch films like Vishwaroopam and freely distribute the cartoons of Aseem Trivedi. What a great . . . oh, wait . . . " he trailed off.</span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Needless to say, both the Trappist monks and Dr.Manmohan Singh are choosing to stay silent on the matter - ensuring that this controversy will never end.</span></span></div>
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Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-15105581005144584542012-04-11T18:04:00.000+05:302012-04-11T18:09:18.355+05:30Apple introduces iNept - for people who are too cool to bother with making choices.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">by Anand Ramachandran, with input from Bikang.</span></span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Electronics giant Apple Inc. has announced the latest entry in their line of consumer electronics products - a handheld device simply known as iNept.</span><br />
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">In a press conference atop Mount Everest (a location chosen because it symbolizes Apple's position at the peak of the world, but mainly because its pristine white slopes go well with Apple's branding), CEO Tim Cock made the announcement, saying "We are delighted to launch the iNept - a device aimed to delight our core customer base. iNept is for people who hate complex, confusing and cumbersome operations such as drag and drop, right-clicking, rearranging icons and making annoying choices of any sort."</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi91HfUI_kwBWS317KJwlfN3lknC8QwbAeATxrVB07lfqmTsaxRrIx07LOQrVYIqQU_mnbr4vJ39xFb9PxgYgTg2RFwUvA5vLi_UScORTAgfROofNHzxxIJpUblAIt4fQlFYCKbOA/s1600/iNept.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi91HfUI_kwBWS317KJwlfN3lknC8QwbAeATxrVB07lfqmTsaxRrIx07LOQrVYIqQU_mnbr4vJ39xFb9PxgYgTg2RFwUvA5vLi_UScORTAgfROofNHzxxIJpUblAIt4fQlFYCKbOA/s400/iNept.jpg" width="293" /></a></td></tr>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Coot then went on to explain the iNept's killer feature, saying "The iNept makes it even easier to consume music, video and games - you simply switch it on and it will decide on its own what song, video or game to launch for your enjoyment. It's so simple, you don't even have to choose what you want to do - the device makes the choice on your behalf. All you need to do is sit back and consume whatever entertainment the iNept thinks is best for you. Awesome, right?"</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">The iNept takes Apple's famed simplicity of design even further than the iPad - the device has no icons, no buttons, no sliders. It just switches on when the user picks it up, and no other interaction is necessary. </span><br />
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">When asked if people may find the new device too limiting, Book was dismissive "Our core customers have always been happy to let Apple make choices on what they should and shouldn't do. This is a logical extension of the core principles behind our staggering success - minimalism, streamlining, and understanding that our users are too cool and hip to bother with old-fashioned ideas like figuring stuff out."</span><br />
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">The iNept follows on the smashing success of an earlier product, the<a href="http://www.sonofbosey.in/2008/09/apple-launches-ithing-nobody-knows-what.html"> iThing</a>, which was a classic example of minimalistic design - it eliminated problems by simply eliminating all functionality associated with said problems. "But . . . but . . . that's like cutting off your arm because your palm itches." complained one reporter, before he was escorted off the premises for being an 'Android lover'.</span><br />
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Apple fans have responded with the now predictable near-religious ecstasy - flooding web sites with pre-orders, pointing and laughing at Samsung users and surreptitiously looking up Dictionary.com for the meaning of 'retinal'.</span><br />
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">"It's amazing. First, the iNept started playing 'Four weddings and a funeral' . About half an hour into the movie, it switched to playing a music video with Akon signing Celine Dion covers, and then abruptly launched Temple Run! No other device can offer a comparable user experience." gushed an evidently thrilled girl with purple hair. "I didn't really understand the movie, I don't like Akon much, and I don't like playing games - but I had so much fun sitting back and not making choices that I didn't care."</span><br />
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Apple has also kick started a huge community initiative by launching a user group called 'global iNept community'. Customers who sign up for an exorbitant fee get a T-shirt that reads 'Forever iNept', and access to expert advice on the best and most efficient ways to not click icons. Members also get access to the new iNvoluntary scheme - where they don't even have to make actual purchase decisions on future iNept accessories. Their bank accounts will be automatically debited when the product is launched, and packages will be delivered to their door whether they like it or not. The idea has generated tremendous excitement in the iNept community, and fans are raving about Apple's continuing dedication to 'ease of use' and 'simplicity'. "Apple has always shown great foresight in getting rid of ideas that are soon going to be obsolete - Floppy Drives, Optical Drives, USB, File Systems, and Free Will. Whiners who are complaining now just don't get it - it's just jealousy" said an industry analyst known only as 'Prashant Pawan'.</span><br />
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">The idea, as with anyhing Apple does, has found its fair share of vocal critics. "The iNept is just another attempt by Apple to make money from Mactards. They just cut out features and call it 'ease of use' to fool their customers" grumbled an industry analyst known only as 'Sathya', before returning to his attempts to install Linux on his Android phone for no earthly reason. "Hahaha the iNept is a total fail. It doesn't even run Crysis 2 - only losers will buy it." said a gamer in a 'retro cool' pac-man T-shirt, managing to be completely wrong and partly right in the same statement. "It's rubbish. The first iPad is still the best device on the market" said renowned Yoga specialist Mansi Gandhi, before admitting that she also agreed that books are better than movies, and black and white is better than color.</span><br />
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">"The iNept is by no means the first device not to offer customers their choice of entertainment. We've been doing the same thing for years" said Shri. Tripurari Sharan, Director General of Doordarshan. "All Apple has done is reinvent radio and television - which have always catered to customers too dumb to do anything other than press a single button over and over again. As usual, Americans have copied something that has been in India for many years - just like how James Cameron copied Avatar from Mahabharata, and how Siegel and Schuster got the idea for Superman from Hanuman.", he pointed out.</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">However, the criticism is not stopping Apple from going ahead with more ambitious plans for a line of products that promises to make life even easier for people all over the world. It has announced plans for a range of devices - such as the iNevitable (a digital organizer that creates a daily schedule and to-do list for you to just follow), the iNsufferable (a virtual companion that follows you around and tells you how awesome Apple is every few minutes) and the iNtruder (a robot with advanced AI that will enter your life and live it for you, so that you don't have to take the effort). Much 'ease of use' to look forward to.</span></div>
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</div>Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-44885228758356916652012-02-04T15:49:00.000+05:302012-02-04T15:49:36.709+05:30Kamal Haasan jokes failing to gain popularity on Twitter, Facebook.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> </span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">While Rajinikanth jokes have become pretty much ubiquitous, showing up practically everywhere - SMS, Twitter, Facebook, newspapers, Kapil Sibal's armpit - research has found that jokes featuring arch-rival Kamal Haasan are yet to gain the same level of popularity.</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> </span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Our reporter scoured the Internet for some examples of Kamal Haasan jokes, and unearthed some :</span><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<i><span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Fifteen guys and three women walk into a bar. All of them are Kamal Haasan in make-up.</span></i><div>
<i><span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></i></div>
<i><span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Why is Kamal Haasan's butt so round and smooth? Because he's always rolling his Rs.</span></i><div>
<i><span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></i></div>
<i><span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">What is Kamal Haasan's father's name ? Did you say Kamalaha ? WRONG! It's Grandfather!! Hahahahahahahahahaha!!</span></i></blockquote>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">However, these jokes seem to be lagging behind Rajinikanth jokes in term of RTs and Facebook likes.</span><div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">"Rajinikanth jokes are popular everywhere - even North Indians from Bollywood to Bengal enjoy them. Comparatively, Kamal Haasan jokes do not have a pan-Indian appeal. They seem to be popular only among assistant directors, middle-class TOI readers who still live in the eighties, and a man known only as RS Prasanna." said Cho.Ramaswamy, who is asked for his opinion on absolutely everything.</span><div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">"It could be because, like his movies, Rajinikanth jokes are fun and easy to understand. Probably the public finds Kamal Haasan jokes too arty and self-indulgent." said Cho. "One has to admit these days that Facebook likes are more important than just quality. I am told even the Rafale deal went through because the Rafale aircraft had more FB likes than the Typhoon. You can check with Kapil Sibal." he added, before inexplicably saying "Armpit."</span><div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Kamal Haasan himself has been pretty gracious about the whole situation. "Zhajinikanth, my gzheat fzhiend, is like the Zhambo of Indian Cinema. He is zheaping the zhewards of his hazhd wozhk. I congzhatulate him wholeheazhtedy.", he said. Kamal also said that he is confident that Kamal Haasan jokes will also eventually gain popularity.</span><div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">"Zhemember, failuzhe is the stepping stone to success." he said, cursing inwardly that there were no Rs to roll in the second part of his sentence.</span><div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">However, Kamal denied that he had hired a team of writers to come up with Kamal Haasan jokes in a calculated move to close the gap with Rajini - something he has been trying to do since the breakthrough success of Sivaji : The Boss. "That's nonsense. Everyone knows that only Rajinikanth can come up with decently funny Kamal Haasan jokes." he winked.</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> </span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3uIrKlWNc2GGhXB3tRKUtq00M43djhhdziG8EezBM0P7Bq-jnKRtsExcPi03V8eCuxOIW0lMRfWDP8bP8X8ARBFDZazFFoosZyeXpG9oiBO49-iy4keTaDs5vBCMgiCaObG0yKg/s1600/rajini-kamal1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3uIrKlWNc2GGhXB3tRKUtq00M43djhhdziG8EezBM0P7Bq-jnKRtsExcPi03V8eCuxOIW0lMRfWDP8bP8X8ARBFDZazFFoosZyeXpG9oiBO49-iy4keTaDs5vBCMgiCaObG0yKg/s320/rajini-kamal1.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Superstar Rajinikanth tries to come up with a Kamal Haasan joke, while Kamal Haasan (Grand) looks on patiently.</td></tr>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> </span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> </span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Before leaving, he stopped to ask a question "Oh, by the way - What is this whole 'Grand' business? Anybody know where it started ?" - and ended up sparking off another round of random speculation.</span><div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">The popularity of Rajinikanth jokes has led to a sudden spurt in other Tamil actor based jokes on the Internet, as fans try to get their heroes their fair share of the limelight. Among these are :</span><div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Thala Ajith jokes, which are jokes that open remarkably well but then fizzle out - "Ajith walks into a bar holding an iPhone and a squirrel's tail. Then he falls down."</span><div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Vijay Saar jokes, which consist purely of punch lines - "Because two Vijays are better than one! A centipede with a shotgun! That's what SHE said!"</span><div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Vadivel jokes, which aren't funny but which the teller attempts to make hilarious simply by shouting- "A man falls into a bucket of shit. FUS-DO-RAH!"</span></blockquote>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">And it's not just current stars - heroes of yesteryear are also getting jokes of their own. There are SS Rajendran jokes (which are jokes told with a silly grin and a pencil moustache), AVM Rajan jokes (jokes which nobody remembers or cares about) and Major Sunderrajan jokes (which are jokes told in Tamil, followed immediately by a verbatim translation in English). Good times for all.</span></div>
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<span style="border-collapse: separate; color: black; font-family: Tahoma; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">Meanwhile, India's minister for Communications and Information Technology Kapil Sibal has said that he does not have any intentions of censoring Rajinikanth jokes on the Internet. "Preposterous. Next, people are going to accuse me of censoring my own armpit.", he said.</span></div>
</div>Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-20603149570616240612010-10-20T18:26:00.001+05:302010-10-20T23:08:58.620+05:30Kamal Hassan announces ‘Ek Duje Ke Liye 2’World renowned Tamil film star Kamal Hassan (Grand to friends) has announced that he will shortly start shooting for a sequel to his eighties hit bilingual film ‘Ek Duje Ke Liye’.<br />
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Considering that ‘Ek Duje Ke Liye’ ended with both Kamal Hassan and female lead Rati Agnihotri deciding to make like the Titanic and plunge into the ocean, presumably to live out the rest of their days together (Okay, minutes. Okay, seconds. Sheesh.), it seems an odd choice for a sequel. But Kamal was quick to clear the air for his fans. “Basically, what happens at the end of the first film is this - Vasu and Sapna don’t drown. They are rescued by an underwater civilization and placed in cryostasis chambers. The sequel is about what happens when they eventually wake up.”, said the actor, managing to elicit a reaction of stunned disbelief and sporadic spluttering from reporters present.<br />
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While he refused to divulge any more information about the story (probably because it doesn’t exist yet), Kamal did say that the film would give him a great opportunity to say the words ‘Czhzhyostasis Chambezhzh’ and ‘Undezhzhwatezhzhzh Civilizaizhzhtion’, in his world famous accent which makes every word with an ‘r’ sound vaguely like ‘Vazhapazham.’<br />
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<i>One of the underwater denizens carefully considers if it's a good idea to wake Vasu and Sapna from cryo-sleep. It probably isn't.</i></div>
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“While the original was a tragic love story, Ek Duje Ke Liye 2 will be a special effects Sci-Fi extravaganza”, said Kamal, inadvertently giving credence to the theory that he felt the need to go one-up on long time rival Rajnikanth’s recent blockbuster, Endhiran.<br />
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Apparently, the film will feature spectacular “Hollywood special effects from Singapore”, underwater song sequences, and a digitally recreated, CG version of the late Poornam Viswanathan. In other news sure to delight fans, the film will not be directed by K.S.Ravikumar, and Kamal Hassan will be playing only three characters, none of which resemble a zombie version of Jay Leno. The film will have elements of comedy, romance, action and even horror - the last of these chiefly due to the presence of Rati Agnihotri as the heroine.<br />
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“It’s a family entertainer with mild sex and some light violence”, said the film’s producer, a man known simply as ‘Kannan’, effectively describing most Indian films. “You can watch with family”, he added with a slightly creepy grin, without specifying whether this would be appropriate, or even enjoyable.<br />
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Kamal also announced plans for the launch of another sequel, ‘Hey Ram 3’. Explaining the reason for skipping a number and going directly to 3, Kamal’s AD said “<i>Kamal Saar yeppavumae konjam differenta think pannuvaaru. Avar Douglas Adams maadhiri rendu film vechchae trilogy pannuvaaru. Yeppadi?</i>”</div>
</div>Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com48tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-43319766609035638662010-10-15T11:51:00.000+05:302010-10-15T11:51:04.579+05:30Couple decide not to name newborn son ‘Aryan’<div style="background-color: transparent; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
Mrs. and Mr.Sunil Poorvath, residents of Annanagar, Chennai, have taken the unusual, imaginative and courageous decision not to name their newborn son ‘Aryan’.<br /><br />Explaining his stand, Mr.Poorvath said “I don’t know . . . . I just don’t like the name very much. I was thinking something along the lines of Sumit, or Prateek, or maybe even Sankalesh. But I never quite got this whole ‘Aryan’ thing.”<br /><br />Mr.Poorvath also admitted that he was the guy who always went against trends - he continued to drink Thums Up even after Pepsi and Coke entered the market in the 90s,still insists that Ambassador is the best car for Indian roads, and displays a disturbingly lingering nostalgic affection for Meenakshi Sheshadri. He has also kept several pairs of his old ‘parallel baggies’ and ‘bellbottoms’, just in case they come back into fashion.</div>
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<i>Some people attribute the popularity of the name Aryan to Shah Rukh Khan's son, shown here trying valiantly to look sillier than his dad.</i></div>
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A content Mrs.Poorvath told reporters that she was happy to leave the choice of name to her husband. “I’m really okay with anything, except those horrendous ‘one-letter-swap’ variants like Jishnu, Rijay or Prakaf.” she said, shuddering involuntarily at the last option. “Hhhrrrrr . . Prakaf! Yikes!”, she added, looking protectively at her newborn non-Aryan baby boy.<br /><br />Our investigations into this matter have also revealed that at least eight of Mr.Poorvath’s close friends have secretly breathed sighs of relief, happy in the ill-informed thoughts that their to-be-born kids will now be the only ones named Aryan in their immediate circles.<br /><br />According to statistics available with the HRD ministry, one in every six male children born in urban India is being named ‘Aryan’ or ‘Arya’ - virtually ensuring that in the coming years, at least some kind of Aryan supremacy will be indeed maintained. The reasons for this trend remain largely unknown, although many attribute it to various reasons such as film star Shah Rukh Khan’s choice of the name for his son, easy pronounceability, and the decreasing fashion value of traditionally popular names such as Shankar, Jayant, Sudheer and Annadhaana-p-pirabu.<br /><br />“Let’s face it, old fashioned names don’t look quite as nice on a fashion label, cricket scoreboard, or film credit. Can you imagine a fashion range called ‘Casbah - by Pramod’ ? Imagine a cricket scorecard that read ‘Annadhanna-p-pirabu - c Saivignesh b Jignaprasad’ ? We need the Aryans, Rohans and Armaans to make our world fashionably correct.” opined a ridiculous looking fashion designer simply called ‘Ae’.<br /><br />Meanwhile, the DMK Government in Tamil Nadu has responded by announcing tax benefits to all couples who name their sons ‘Dravid’, causing thousands of guys named David to simultaneously exclaim “Otha, just missed.”Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com51tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-61455676879037113062010-08-12T18:36:00.001+05:302010-08-12T18:37:54.644+05:30An apology for utter lack of blogging.Amazingly, I still get a bunch of messages from you guys asking about when the next post will be. It's incredible that you haven't run out of patience and simply given up. Many thanks.<br />
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The answer is - I don't know. I'm doing a bunch of things that are keeping me insanely busy, so I hardly get time to blog these days. Hopefully, one (or more) of my clients will eventually realize that I'm useless, and fire me, leaving me with enough time to blog every day.<br />
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However, I have been doing some pretty interesting stuff, and you guys should check some of it out if you haven't already.<br />
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<li><b>Learning to Floo :</b>A sci-fi action graphic graphic novel for The Centre for Internet and Society, Bangalore. I'm writing and drawing this one - it has pirates, laser-blasters, evil corporations and more. Hope you enjoy it - <a href="http://cis-india.org/advocacy/ipr/comic/">you can read it here.</a><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></li>
<li><b>The Heavy Ball :<br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">Satirical pieces on cricket for Cricinfo. <a href="http://www.cricinfo.com/ci/content/story/author.html?author=321">You can read all the pieces here.</a><br /><br /></span></b></li>
<li><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><b>Mirth Vader : </b><br />A fortnightly satire column for Yahoo! India Opinions. <a href="http://in.news.yahoo.com/columnist/anand_ramachandran">You can click here to read all my articles,</a> - but don't forget to <a href="http://in.news.yahoo.com/columnists">check out the other columnists</a>, they're all brilliant.<br /><br /></span></b></li>
<li><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><b>Sports columns for Sify :</b><br />I've also written some light satirical pieces on football and cricket over at Sify.com. <a href="http://sify.com/topics/Anand-Ramachandran.html">You can read the pieces here.</a><br /><br /></span></b></li>
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As always, thanks for reading. If things go well, Son of Bosey should resume regular service next week.<br />
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<br /></div>Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-35749956816553549482010-04-21T18:09:00.001+05:302010-04-21T18:36:46.070+05:30IPL crisis solved, Modi to be External Affairs Minister, Tharoor to head IPL.<div>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">by Anand Ramachandran, but <a href="http://twitter.com/rameshsrivats/status/12451092594">Ramesh Srivats</a> had the idea first. So if you're going to sue for defamation, you know your target ;)</span></i></div>
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Moving with unprecedented speed and decisiveness, the Government of India and the BCCI has come up with a remarkably elegant and effective solution to the ongoing IPL controversy - they have appointed Lalit Modi as External Affairs Minister and made Shashi Tharoor the commissioner of the IPL.<br />
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<i>Lalit Modi points in the general direction of Sikkim, denying its very existence and ending the border debate with China in a matter of seconds.</i></div>
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"We suddenly realized that the amazing negotiation and crisis-management skills displayed by Mr.Lalit Modi are completely wasted on trivialities such as cricket. They would be put to much better use in the MoEA, where he could tackle serious problems such as Pakistan, China and Sri Lanka, and give the rather blade ministry a much needed branding makeover. Woo hoo!", said Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh.<br />
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"Any man who can so brazenly thumb his nose at everyone even when he is neck-deep in shit will be a valuable asset in telling Pakistan to pike off.", said Dr.Singh, unexpectedly using a cuss-word cribbed from the Planescape : Torment universe. "His superb denial skills will also come in handy in situations where we need to deny the existence of fairly obvious but annoying inconveniences such as the LOC, the refugee problem, and most of the north-eastern states. Plus, Mr.Modi is a perfect blend of 'external' and 'affairs', making him the perfect man for the job.", said Dr.Singh.<br />
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Early reports also indicate that Mr.Modi may be given additional charge of the Finance Ministry, to take advantage of his undoubted mastery of making ridiculously untenable financials seem viable, even exciting. "We are confident that Mr.Modi will be able to find sponsors who will pay for initiatives such as the UID and NREGA schemes, and even find a title sponsor for the national debt. This will free up thousands of crores of taxpayer money that we can coolly pocke . . er . . ah . . pockastickate for stringinindous rural development projects.", winked Congress party spokesman Abhishek Manu Singhvi, making up a few official-sounding words in the nick of time.<br />
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Apparently Mr.Modi has already swung into action, and has initiated an auction process to create privately held franchises out of institutions such as the State Bank of India, NABARD and, unsurprisingly, the Income-Tax Department. "We'll see how you lT losers investigate my accounts when my good friends Mukesh Ambani and Vijay Mallya own your sorry asses", smirked Modi, under the mistaken impression that this was not already the case.<br />
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Meanwhile, former Minister of State for External Affairs Dr.Shashi Tharoor will take charge as commissioner of the IPL. His immediate duties will include implementing Mr.Modi's original vision of globalizing the league, by taking it to countries such as Gabon, Burkina-Faso and Sierra-Leone. "Dr.Tharoor's experience in Africa is very relevant to the IPL, since a third of the IPL matches have been played there anyway.", explained BCCI president Mr.Shashank Manohar, justifying the unexpected posting. "Plus, Africa has contributed one of the IPL's most integral parts - Akon. Smack that!", said Manohar, wisely resisting the urge to swiftly slap his palm on the posterior of BCCI secretary Mr.Niranjan Shah, who was standing beside him.<br />
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Neither Mr.Modi nor Dr.Tharoor were available for further comment, since they've both been told to stay off Twitter, cutting off their main communication channel.</div>
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</div>Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com43tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-5930343259538146292010-04-19T15:38:00.007+05:302010-05-17T18:12:16.818+05:30Chennai Doordarshan to produce 'ManaiMaatchi : The Movie' . Also announces films based on 'Maanila Seidhigal', 'Munnottam' and 'Thadangalukku Varundhugirom'.<br />
<i>by Anand Ramachandran, with a little help from his friends.</i><br />
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As a part of a strategic entry into the film production business, the Chennai Doordarshan Kendra has announced a multi-crore 3-D feature film version of it's popular 80s TV show, <i>'ManaiMaatchi'</i>. It has also announced film versions of other popular classic programmes<i> 'Munnottam'</i>,<i> 'Ediroli'</i> and <i>'Vayalum Vaazhvum'</i> and an animated feature based on <i>'Maanila Seidhigal'.</i><br />
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<span style="font-style: italic;">ManaiMaatchi : The Movie will feature exciting action-packed sequences showing random women engaging in death defying activities such as making Rasam, decorating biscuit-tins and making paper-bags out of older paper-bags. </span></td></tr>
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"We have noticed that there is an international trend of making TV shows into blockbuster films, as evidenced by recent examples like <i>Sex and the City</i>,<i> the A-Team</i> and <i>The Dukes of Hazzard</i>. So we decided to take our best, most popular shows and turn them into blockbuster films, to increase revenue.", said a guy whose insistence on wearing a safari suit distracted us from ascertaining his name.<br />
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Apparently, <i>ManaiMaatchi : The Movie (3-D)</i> will feature Tamil film superstar Trisha as a random housewife who will, over the course of the film's running time of three hours, show the audience how to make, among other things, rava-uppuma, a basic cross-stitch pattern (featuring Kartik Bose demonstrating a cover-drive to some eager Englishmen)) and a cool toy boat using some camphor and an old Cuticura tin. The film will also feature an appearance by superstar actor Dr.Mr.Joseph Vijay Saar as the guy who brings in the tray carrying onions, and maybe also some chillies. When asked why this kind of film required 3-D, the safari-clad guy replied "For the exact same reasons that <i>Clash of The Titans</i> did. I have nothing more to add."<br />
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The Tamil community is thrilled with the news, and they reacted with the same enthusiasm they show whenever anything remotely relating to Tamil Nadu is mentioned anywhere, especially on Twitter.<br />
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"Wow. An animated feature based on <i>Maanila Seidhigal?</i> Yay! This is what I've been waiting for all my life - a cartoon version of a minister inaugurating a village hand-pump, followed by some women getting bank loans! Exciting! ", said renowned animation industry veteran P.C.Vikram. He also fervently hoped that the filmmakers wouldn't leave out the sequences where some bored looking men sit below a photo of former Chief Minister K.Kamaraj while another addresses a group of twelve villagers.<br />
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<span style="font-style: italic;">A scene from the 'Vayalum Vaazhvum' movie trailer, showing a farmer spraying pesticide on his crop, moments before his ass gets kicked by a karate-chopping P.Sainath (not in picture). </span></td></tr>
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Doordarshan has also revealed that the<i> 'Munnottam' </i>movie would consist of a stern looking woman with a disconcertingly bass voice reading out a list of all their upcoming movie releases for the next two years, and the <i>'Ediroli'</i> movie would feature a man wearing thick horn-rimmed glassed cheerfully answering questions about all their other movies. The <i>'Vayalum Vazhvum'</i> feature is tipped to be the launch vehicle that will kick-start the celluloid career of veteran journalist P.Sainath.<br />
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Doordarshan will be ensuring that all the film versions carefully retain the flavour of the original shows, by using techniques such as tiresome direction, monotonous voice dubbing, and shooting the entire slate of films in Black and White.<br />
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"Great news indeed", said Vishwanathan Srinivasan, a long-time fan of retro Doordarshan content. "Now, if only they would remake <i>'Vilayaatu Vimarsanam'</i> as a sports film along the lines of Escape to Victory, my life will be complete.", he said, turning disproportionately emotional and sentimental.<br />
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"I'm not sure that the content translates very well to the feature film format.", said wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, playing the devil's advocate. "What's next? An <i>'Over To Delhi'</i> film which will make the audience wait for some twenty minutes before switching to some totally unrelated movie?", he asked, causing the people who came up with 'Blind Date' at Sathyam Cinemas to shuffle their feet and look around nervously.<br />
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Plans have also been announced for a two-hour long film called <i>Thadangalukku Varundhugirom : Sorry for the Break </i>(Like <i>Prince : It's Showtime</i>) - which will be the world's first movie to consist purely of its own interval. It will simply feature a still image of a broken film-strip on the screen for the entire duration of the film, while people mill about, buy popcorn, and discuss whether the second half will be better than the first half. There will also be a sequel, <i>Thadangalukku Varundhugirom 2</i>, which will be exactly the same, except it will feature an image of a family riding a scooter which has just had a tyre blowout.<br />
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"We are proud to be a part of such an innovative and daring initiative to take these old classic TV shows to an entirely new audience. Hopefully, other Kendras will take up the baton and go on to produce their own such interesting films." said the safari suited spokesman, leaving the gathering with nightmarish images of a big-screen adaptation of <i>'Sansad Samachaar'</i>, directed by Madhur Bhandarkar or Ram Gopal Verma.</div>Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com29tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-75568084587482615652010-04-13T13:29:00.000+05:302010-04-13T13:29:22.544+05:30TR now available in VR, says PR.<br />
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Legendary Tamil film director, producer, actor, music director, lyricist, editor and overall pWnzor Vijaya T. Rajhenderr, known to his loving fans simply as 'TR', is now available as a Virtual Reality 'Avatar', so that fans can enjoy and interact with his presence in a virtual world. According to a release from his PR agency, the TR-VR is a unique virtual reality experience that will transport fans into the world of TR, and give them a hands-on feel of what it's like to hang out with the genius behind <i>Mythili Yennai Kadhali</i>, <i>Monisha Yen Monalisa</i>, <i>Yen Thangai Kalyani</i> and <i>Veerasamy.</i></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><br /></span>T.Rajendar tries on the TR-VR, and experiences a slightly disquieting experience of standing next to a virtual version of himself. Now he knows how Mumtaj felt while filming Veerasamy.</i></div>
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According to journalists who were given access to a demo version, the TR-VR comes with a variety of built in Apps that help you participate in numerous virtual TR experiences, such as gambolling alongside him in a suspiciously colour-corrected looking bright green meadow, frolicking with him in a tub of milk, or standing by and clapping while he goes postal on a bunch of ugly goons while simultaneously waxing lyrical about fritters and rice-cakes. "It's totally awesome and unlike anything else you've ever experienced. They should have called it Virtual Surreality, but I guess they couldn't since VS doesn't rhyme with TR.", said Son of Bosey correspondent Sankalesh Jimmy, fresh from his experience of sailing through clouds on what looked like a crimson nuptial bed, with TR sitting beside him.</div>
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Rajender himself chipped in at the press event, launching into a sales pitch with his inimitable rhyming flair . "This is the TR-VR. Confident about it we are. You will enjoy it, never fear. Unless you are the Kanchi Jeeyar.", he said.</div>
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The device itself is essentially a cooling-glass that you wear, which contains all the circuitry needed to deliver the complete TR-VR experience. "People who have played the recent PS3 title <i>'Heavy Rain'</i> will instantly recognize how it works - very similarly to the ARI system used by FBI agent Norman Jayden, one of the four playable characters in the game.", said Rajendar, amazing everyone with his l33t 4w350m3n3ss. "Also please to notice, Norman is a name that begins and ends with the same letter, much like my own.", he added, breaking into a jig. </div>
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It has also been announced that international gaming giant Microsoft is keen to add the TR-VR to the launch line-up for their upcoming Project Natal. "Yes, we'd like to involve Mr.Rajender in our plans for Project Natal, since he's a superstar with a penchant for making outrageous and bizarre statements to the press. Just like Peter Molyneux.", explained a spokesman for Microsoft.</div>
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While this device is sure to delight TR's innumerable fans, fans of his son Silambarasan will be disappointed to learn that they have been left out. "As of now, there are no plans to introduce a TR Jr. VR", said a spokesman for Rajender's newly launched company, which has entered the electronics industry because both these words contain 'TR' within them.</div>Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-66586411966127982062010-04-08T14:33:00.004+05:302010-04-08T15:07:39.801+05:30Govt. of India to set up National Disintegration Council.<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: 13px;"></span><br />
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">by Anand Ramachandran, a self-styled 'self-styled satirist' who blogs here.</span></i><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">After their recent efforts to spruce up the country's image as a <a href="http://www.bosey.co.in/2009/06/upa-government-unveils-plan-to.html">'happening place'</a> and appointing an<a href="http://www.bosey.co.in/2006/10/government-of-india-to-appoint-offense.html"> 'Offense Minister'</a>, the Government of India has sprung another surprise by announcing the formation of the Indian National Disintegration Council (IN-DIC) to speed up the complete disintegration of the Indian Union into separate sovereign states.<br /><br />
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<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg07T8v8yV0NHL8Nbqe1Jycn-2IitAXz5NyMEHPM2EAijnseat0w21c-dAvDoXZa7l5z3UzdWmx-DlYPJbEO9e6MvQnh-9t-SsvVJfocMKduu9g3gUfk_gVwRlsQ0LzHz_HUwZiuw/s1600/manmohan-singh-sonia-gandhi-2009-3-24-5-2-0.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg07T8v8yV0NHL8Nbqe1Jycn-2IitAXz5NyMEHPM2EAijnseat0w21c-dAvDoXZa7l5z3UzdWmx-DlYPJbEO9e6MvQnh-9t-SsvVJfocMKduu9g3gUfk_gVwRlsQ0LzHz_HUwZiuw/s320/manmohan-singh-sonia-gandhi-2009-3-24-5-2-0.jpg" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh has announced the formation of the National Disintegration Council, which will break up India into smaller nations - effectively making Congress President Mrs.Sonia Gandhi a foreigner. Again.</span></td></tr>
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</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><br /><br />"Look, the job of the Government is to keep the people of India happy by giving them what they want. Just one look at the country, and it's obvious that it's full of people such as Muslim fanatics, Hindu lunatics, Militant Separatists, Communal and Linguistic Crazies who simply can't stand living in the same country as each other. So we decided that the best thing to do is to give them what they want - separate homelands." said Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh, addressing a gathering of reporters. " The National Disintegration Council will be involved in organizing a range of initiatives to ensure that all these people achieve their dream of shattering our nation into itty-bitty pieces - one piece for everyone.", said Dr.Singh, becoming the first head of state to use the term 'itty-bitty' in an official address. [<i>correction - In fact, president Pratibha Patil is the Head of State. But we forgot, since she doesn't do anything of note.]</i><br /><br />Apparently, IN-DIC will have representatives from various groups who have an interest in its objectives - including Maoists, Kashmiri separatist Jihadis, an assortment of saffron-clad dudes who believe that non-saffron clad dudes should be kicked out of India, some guys from Tamil Nadu who seem to believe that Malaysia is a part of Chennai, and one person who insisted that everyone present should speak only in Marathi. To ensure speedy achievement of the organisation's goals, it will be chaired by TV anchorman Arnab Goswami.<br /><br />"Look, a government has to set goals it can achieve. Any fool can see that National Disintegration is far easier to achieve than National Integration, so why not go with the flow? At least now, we can show tremendous progress year after year, and keep winning elections.", said Home Minister P.Chidambaram. "Besides, Disintegration is way cooler than Integration. Disintegration is something you do using plasma cannons, ray-guns or arcane magic spells. Integration is that blade thing you do as a part of that stupid math subject named after that Tintin character." he added.<br /><br />The news has delighted a disturbingly large number of political parties and other organisations in almost every state in India, with the exception of Kerala, where everyone was too busy discussing whether S.Sreesanth would be the captain of their new IPL franchise. Many of them have now gotten busy with the important task of coming up with names, national mottos and national anthems for their new countries. A suprisingly large number of mottos seem to be local-language translations of phrases such as "Okay, now what?", "Oops, we're in some shit now, right?" and "Looks like we didn't think this through." Some early suggestions for names include "Devoidofmuslimstan", "The Nation Formerly Known as The State of Maharashtra", and "Telegana, where we're so landlocked it isn't funny."<br /><br />The public, as always, has reacted with a mix of optimism, shock, disgust and sarcasm.<br /><br />"Well, look at the bright side. If we give the Maoists and Jihadis separate nations, then they'll only have each other to kill, and eventually they'll exterminate themselves. Bet Arundhati Roy didn't think of that, eh?" pointed out Sankalesh Jimmy, staying true to his 'half-full' kind of personality.<br /><br />"I'm okay with it in principle. At least now if K.Srikkanth selects players like M.Vijay for the national side, he won't be accused of parochialism.", said Chennai resident Aravind Murali, bringing in a cricket angle as always. But he admitted that even then, selecting S.Badrinath for limited overs formats would be a rash move.<br /><br />"This is terrible news. This means that I will be treated like a foreigner when I travel to Bihar, Karnataka or Assam.", said Congress President Mrs.Sonia Gandhi. "Oh. Er. Ah. Heh heh.", she added, making a solid recovery in true Jadeja-Robin Singh tradition, before adding that the Azzurri had little chance of defending their title in South Africa come July.<br /><br />"I don't think it will make much of a difference to me at least. I'll still have to import my Hasselblad lenses and other kvlt photographic equipment from places which were anyway not a part of India. Unless you count Dubai.", winked Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar. "Also, people. It's either Abu Dhabi or Dubai. There is no AbuDubai or AbiDubai.", he explained, adding an educational element to his comments.<br /><br />And what of those people in India who do not want to break up the nation, since they don't really mind living next-door to people who are from different ethnic backgrounds, speak different languages, or worship different gods? The Government is not ignoring them - apparently a few three-bedroom flats in Valmiki Nagar, Chennai have been booked exclusively for their use.</span></span>Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-84138080797095181942010-01-29T11:17:00.001+05:302010-01-31T11:24:21.916+05:30Political correctness activists want to replace the term 'politically incorrect' with 'politically differently correct'.<br />
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Crusaders for political correctness in
everyday communication have proved that nothing escapes their notice
– they are now insisting that the term 'politically incorrect'
should be replaced with 'politically differently correct'.</div>
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“Who are we to judge something and
label it as 'incorrect' ? It is cruel . .er . . I mean, differently
kind, and completely unwarran . . er . .ah . . . differently
warranted.”, said political correctness activist Venu Kapoor,
struggling to stay within the bounds of political correctness
herself.
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“We declare that it is politically
differently correct to call something 'politically incorrect'. ”,
she explained, cleverly avoiding recursion by resorting to ridiculous
nomenclature. She then left in a hurry to meet her lawyers, to get
her name changed legally to Venu Kadifferentlyrich. “Sounds vaguely
Russian, no? Exotic.”, she quipped.</div>
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“Jeez. What next? Will they suggest
that we say 'differently identical' as opposed to 'different' ?”
asked wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, effortlessly bringing
recursion back into focus. “This has got to stop. Or, if you'd
prefer, 'differently continue'.”, he winked, pleased at his snippet debut.<br />
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<tr><td><span style="font-style: italic;"> 'The Next Kapil Dev', the talented but differently consistent cricketer who was often accused of differently blooming under pressure. </span></td></tr>
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Of course, the usual suspects have
quickly pounced on the opportunity, and tried to gain some mileage
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“Agreed. Now Pakistan should be
called 'Different India'.” said a suitably hysterical Arnab
Goswami, wiping beads of sweat that were forming on his brow, while
ignoring those that were forming on his upper-lip. He also later
admitted that he saw no need to wear pants, since he mostly appeared
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“I'm not guilty. I am merely
'differently innocent'.”, said Amir Ajmal Kasab, between insisting
that he was in fact also Robert DeNiro, an electric hamster, and the
gunman on the grassy knoll.</div>
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“Hereafter, Mac snobs can't hurt the
feelings of Windows losers . . er . . users. We'll have to refer to
them as 'different Mac users'. Damn. Not the same.” rued Priya
Krishnan, cancelling her plans to pre-order the <googlebait>
iPad </googlebait> in disgust.</div>
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This development clearly indicates how
far the whole 'political correctness' movement has come, a far cry
from when they used to merely object to fairly derogatory terms such
as 'Nigger', 'Disabled' and 'Ajit Agarkar', insisting on substituting
them with terms like 'African American', 'Differently Abled' and
'Next Kapil Dev'.</div>
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<br /></div>Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com36tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-72496487038430889452010-01-25T18:00:00.001+05:302010-01-25T18:01:24.548+05:30Aamir Khan upstages SRK, gets Solar Crater named after him.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlJWjNsEAYPHWTHuyRECNW3tvF6PmCBpOzDwd-zR09ZlT6zh9j09qMoHmCDXxg4ZaaPKzoXW2lJ7udlo2sSHV0L0yBY0idV4Epd9G8Nmv1HK_lZNuy39SA6UtyUU1aq2cUvSXc-w/s1600-h/aamir-khan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlJWjNsEAYPHWTHuyRECNW3tvF6PmCBpOzDwd-zR09ZlT6zh9j09qMoHmCDXxg4ZaaPKzoXW2lJ7udlo2sSHV0L0yBY0idV4Epd9G8Nmv1HK_lZNuy39SA6UtyUU1aq2cUvSXc-w/s200/aamir-khan.jpg" width="155" /></a>World-famous Bollywood superstar Aamir Khan, in his well-documented eagerness to always outdo fellow superstar Shah Rukh Khan, has responded to SRK's latest claim to fame by attempting to get a Solar Crater™ named after him. <br />
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“Yes. Everyone knows that the sun pwns the stupid moon. Hence I'm having one of my fans name a crater on the surface of the sun named after me. I rule. And I'm not interested in awards – my fans' recognition means everything to me”, said a beaming Aamir Khan, quickly hiding his copy of 'More Tell Me Why' behind his back. When someone pointed out that the sun actually didn't have a surface, he retorted "Rubbish. I've read Gray's Astronomy. I know all about planets."<br />
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He also revealed that he plans to have his name changed to 'Aamir Khan Khan'. “That way, I'll always be twice the Khan Shah Rukh Khan (not to be confused with Khan Abdul Gaffar Khan) is.”,he winked, before adding “Everyone knows that Khan pwns Rukh as a middle-name anyway.” <br />
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“Anyway, he refers to himself as King Khan. He should actually be Rukh Khan. King – Rukh. Like that random 'castling' move in Chess!”, he grinned, dipping into the copy of 'Children's Knowledge Bank' he had on the table. <br />
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“This is all a mistake! The truth is that one of the craters on Shah Rukh's make-up less skin was so large, I jokingly called it the moon. The press is to blame for the mix-up.”, said an agitated Gauri Khan, instantly leading to a barrage of hate-messages on twitter aimed at Rajdeep Sardesai and Barkha Dutt. <br />
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In related news, there is no truth to the rumours that one of the craters on Moon Moon Sen has been named after former president A.P.J.Abdul Kalam.<br />
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<i>Note : This post is part of an experiment to treat the same subject of satire in three different ways. There's a <a href="http://www.sacredcow.in/2010/01/aamir-khan-desperately-tries-to-go-one.html">cartoon here</a> and a <a href="http://pwnageofindia.blogspot.com/2010/01/going-one-up-aamir-khan-shah-rukh-khan.html">short story here.</a></i><br />
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<br />Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6041542.post-50631003114779281532010-01-23T14:46:00.004+05:302010-01-23T14:54:52.758+05:30James Cameron and Microsoft team up to bring Avatar's immersive 3D technology to Power Point presentations.<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>by Anand Ramachandran, who has made more Power Point presentations than he'd care to admit.</i></span><br />
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In a great development for creators and
viewers of blade Power Point presentations worldwide, software giant
Microsoft and superstar director James Cameron have announced that
they will be bringing the groundbreaking immersive 3D technology
behind the Hollywood blockbuster 'Avatar' to Microsoft Power-Point.<br />
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“This is HUGE. Just imagine being
able to feel that you're actually inside a PPT, like you can almost
reach out and touch those bullet points! Imagine feeling like that
'zoom' effect clipart is actually going to leap out of the screen and
smack your nose! Imagine recoiling in horror, not at the inanity of
the PPT itself, but because the 'blinds' transition seems like it's
going to crush you between the two slides it connects! It heralds a
new era for corporate presentations! ” said Cameron, unnecessarily
double clicking on hyperlinks in his excitement.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhH8AzdcCFrDpzZffuTil0bRPMVe8ikxXce98LWrPFfQy7rslu6w9T5r4Ge97OgVDdgTRKVHCHx2_m_CHFoYDNNKk8L5B7N0eWc6jacvX6GERG8FNwWKjxc84FrLcQ-kZLMa3-PDA/s1600-h/3d-pdf-powerpoint.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a><br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhH8AzdcCFrDpzZffuTil0bRPMVe8ikxXce98LWrPFfQy7rslu6w9T5r4Ge97OgVDdgTRKVHCHx2_m_CHFoYDNNKk8L5B7N0eWc6jacvX6GERG8FNwWKjxc84FrLcQ-kZLMa3-PDA/s1600-h/3d-pdf-powerpoint.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhH8AzdcCFrDpzZffuTil0bRPMVe8ikxXce98LWrPFfQy7rslu6w9T5r4Ge97OgVDdgTRKVHCHx2_m_CHFoYDNNKk8L5B7N0eWc6jacvX6GERG8FNwWKjxc84FrLcQ-kZLMa3-PDA/s320/3d-pdf-powerpoint.jpg" /></a><br /></div>
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<tr><td><span style="font-style: italic;">The new technology partnership between James Cameron and Microsoft will make Power Point slides such as this one truly come alive. The joy. <br /></span><br />
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The new state-of-the-art technology is
poised to revolutionize the art of PPT presentation creation, and has
sent millions of corporate marketing and management types into a
delirious tizzy. “Immersive 3D will instantly turn our moronic,
unintelligent, boring crap presentations into instant classics –
just like what happened with Avatar!” said a marketing manager
known only as 'Subbu'. “The entire corporate fraternity is looking
forward to using this cutting-edge technology to greatly enhance the
end-user experience by creating best-in-class content by combining
immersive visual presentation with comprehensive informational
information to deliver lasting value in presentations that are
otherwise basically useless.”, he said, momentarily managing to hit
a comfort zone of corporate babble before uncharacteristically
lapsing into honesty.<br />
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However, the technology also comes with
an important caveat – the software and hardware required to make
these 3D PPT presentations will cost millions of dollars. “We don't
see the high cost as a problem, really. MS Office has been absurdly
overpriced for years – but people will just use pirated versions
and create presentations, just like they've been doing all along. So
no major loss of revenue there.”, said a spokesman for Microsoft,
quite reasonably.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYEcuPOqApwq_KPmHkkH4jHg_R1b-_ITl3hDAwBTV0rfsbYRPjD4vohK08Gb5pofJkQ8L7c9tWkJ21KXbGBL8HRRCX67LyhezmPBZWKK7ptzyTiF_OZn-K4vCoUCDAqyYuZ8klqw/s1600-h/Avatar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br /></a><br /></div>
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<tr><td><span style="font-style: italic;">Jake Sully and Princess Neytiri from Avatar seem bewildered by terms such as 'KRAs', 'cross-monetization', 'Optimal ARPUs' and 'Having said that' appearing in an immersive 3D PPT, proving that even 3D technology can't make corporate jargon comprehensible or bearable.<br /></span><br />
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The 3D Power Point software will use
advanced motion capture technology to ensure that all the effects and
transitions – such as 'box-in', 'checkerboard' and “fly-from-right'
will accurately represent their original avatars (pun not intended,
but unavoidable). “We will carefully capture the movements of the
text, clipart and slides from original 2D PPTs by carefully using
advanced motion-capture technology to precisely replicate the complex
movements involved – such as left-to-right or top-to-bottom.”,
said a fat unshaven guy from the Vfx team. “Digital to analog to
digital – even Jai Shankar Iyer would be proud! Or Kavi
Alexander!”, he added, to the puzzlement of all.<br />
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Also, to view these amazing Power Point
presentations in their full glory, users will have to wear special 3D
glasses. “Yes, every user will have to wear special dark glasses to
experience the breathtaking 3D PPT experience – with the exceptions
of P.Diddy, Tomonobu Itagaki and Dr.M.Karunanidhi.”, confirmed
Cameron, while simutaneously negotiating with representatives from
Lawrence & Mayo and C.K.Devchand.<br />
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In the wake of Avatar's stupendous
success, this announcement has created major ripples in public
consciousness.<br />
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“ I personally can't wait. I've
always wanted to create Power Point presentations that will allow my
clients to get up close and personal with the ideas I'm trying to
convey. Especially my costing slides. Heh heh.”, said renowned
sales executive Tony Chacko, with a trademark wink<span style="font-family: Arial,sans-serif;">
™</span>. He also agreed that, thanks to the new technology, all
office meetings now looked a bit like MiB conventions, and that his
old Sindhi finance manager looked a bit like Tommy Lee Jones.<br />
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“Motion capture? What is all this
newfangled nonsense? Motion capture is what they used to do at
Ehrlich laboratories when they suspected you had some disease.”,
said T.S.Krishnaswamy, displaying his well-recognized acerbic wit. “
Heh. Ehrlich. That foolish fellow Visu always used to call it Enrich
laboratories, even though it was right next to his house.”, he
quipped, needlessly dragging Visu Mama into the issue.<br />
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“Microsoft is all balls. Mac rules.
Power Point may now have immersive 3D, but Macs are simply better.”,
said [insert Mac loyalist name here], before leaving to play the
just-released Mac version of a six year old PC game.<br />
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“It's interesting, but I'm not sure
I'd enjoy the experience of polka-dotted pie charts that threatened
to trap me between that tiny wedge between 'market share in
Siffrigistan' and 'projected losses due to non-existence of
Siffrigistan' .” joked renowned wildlife photographer
S.U.Saravanakumar, taking at dig at corporate types, confident that
they wouldn't get the joke.<br />
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In related news, some deranged fans of
the new 3D Power Point presentations have apparently committed
suicide because they couldn't get a 'cover from top-left' transition
in real life to mark the arrival of noon.<br />
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<br />Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09348308927567882959noreply@blogger.com17