Tuesday, June 15, 2021

BJP moves Supreme Court, demands that PM Modi be appointed leader of opposition.

 by Anand Ramachandran, who believes in the omnigreatness of PM Modi.

In a sudden move that took even the keenest government watchers by surprise, the BJP has filed a writ petition before the Supreme Court of India, demanding that PM Narendra Modi be immediately appointed as the leader of the opposition in the Lok Sabha.

"A strong opposition is essential for a healthy, vibrant democracy. As the BJP and PM Modi are strongly committed to strengthening India's democratic process, we believe that it is our duty to ensure that the opposition is led by the best possible candidate - who, we can all agree, is PM Modi himself", explained senior advocate and BJP spokesperson Gaurav Bhatia, resisting the very understandable temptation to add 'none other than' before 'PM Modi himself' to make the language seem more pompous, old-fashioned, and cumbersome.

PM Narendra Modi and soon-to-be-deposed leader of the opposition Mallikarjun Kharge share their views on Rahul Gandhi in the presence of a disinterested-looking Sardarji.

The BJP Government in India has often been criticized for forcibly appointing their own candidates in positions of power, to take control of institutions like the CBI, the Reserve Bank, influential media houses, universities, religious institutions, LAN parties, spatula focus-groups, and gangs of three-year-olds who like Spider-Man. But even their most stringent critics will have to admit that this is a smart, subversive move that nobody can argue with, if you can look past the irony.

"Take THIS, those of you who constantly dig up my old tweets and joke about how I make a better opposition leader than PM. Who's laughing now, eh?", said PM Modi, taking a swipe at his legions of Twitter critics. "Those of you who said that I should respect the views of the opposition, are you happy now? There is nobody whose views I respect more than my own, so problem solved", he winked, adding that, in the interests of fairness and equality, the BJP would now file sedition cases against people who criticized the opposition leader as well.

"That's not fair! I am the leader of the opposition! He can't take that away from me! I'll tell my mother", said Congress leader Rahul Gandhi, inadvertently drawing attention to the general irrelevance of Mallikarjun Kharge by forgetting his existence. 

Spot the leader of the opposition. Skip this question of you're a member of the congress party. We understand.

"Oh, wait, what? Mallikarjun Kharge is the leader of the opposition? When did that happen?", asked a confused looking senior Congressman Salman Khurshid, disoriented by the fact that an important post in the party was held by someone not named 'Gandhi'. "Sorry, have to leave now. Need to compose an unnecessary rejoinder to Ramachandra Guha that nobody will take seriously", he added before grabbing on to someone's coattails to get to his destination.

The reaction from the general public has, as always, been mixed.

"Did the BJP just invent the BYOO political party? That's kind of cool, if you can look past the irony", quipped an excited looking Sankalesh Jimmy. "I hope this doesn't give ideas to the BCCI - next thing you know, they'll be conducting a world test championship between India and India", he quipped again, somehow causing a 30% dip in Bitcoin with a seemingly unrelated throwaway comment.

"It's no big deal. It's sort of like playing Dhalsim vs Dhalsim in Street Fighter V. Perfectly acceptable. If you can look past the eerie resemblance ro Sadhguru", grinned renowned video game expert Vinay Nilakantan.

"I think it is the right move. Why do we need democracy? Modi is the best person for all jobs. In fact, he should also be made the president of China, the prime minister of Pakistan, the captain of the German women's football team and the director-general of UNESCO, so that he can give himself all the awards he richly deserves.", said an elderly uncle known only as "KRV Mama". He, however, declined to send the message out to his relatives and friends on WhatsApp, when he realized that he actually had to take the effort to type it out instead of simply forwarding it. "No problem. Somebody else will do it anyway", he explained, shedding light on his general approach to things such as community service, cooking, and voting.

We tried really hard, but no world famous wildlife photographers could be contacted for comments. We apologize for the inconvenience.


For Surekha, who used to laugh at all my stupid shit. I'm still making up nonsense Surangani verses that rhyme with 'Pillai'. I'll tell you when I get there.