Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Apple introduces iNept - for people who are too cool to bother with making choices.

by Anand Ramachandran, with input from Bikang.
Electronics giant Apple Inc. has announced the latest entry in their line of consumer electronics products - a handheld device simply known as iNept.

In a press conference atop Mount Everest (a location chosen because it symbolizes Apple's position at the peak of the world, but mainly because its pristine white slopes go well with Apple's branding), CEO Tim Cock made the announcement, saying "We are delighted to launch the iNept - a device aimed to delight our core customer base. iNept is for people who hate complex, confusing and cumbersome operations such as drag and drop, right-clicking, rearranging icons and making annoying choices of any sort."
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Coot then went on to explain the iNept's killer feature, saying "The iNept makes it even easier to consume music, video and games - you simply switch it on and it will decide on its own what song, video or game to launch for your enjoyment. It's so simple, you don't even have to choose what you want to do - the device makes the choice on your behalf. All you need to do is sit back and consume whatever entertainment the iNept thinks is best for you. Awesome, right?"
The iNept takes Apple's famed simplicity of design even further than the iPad - the device has no icons, no buttons, no sliders. It just switches on when the user picks it up, and no other interaction is necessary.

When asked if people may find the new device too limiting, Book was dismissive "Our core customers have always been happy to let Apple make choices on what they should and shouldn't do. This is a logical extension of the core principles behind our staggering success - minimalism, streamlining, and understanding that our users are too cool and hip to bother with old-fashioned ideas like figuring stuff out."

The iNept follows on the smashing success of an earlier product, the iThing, which was a classic example of minimalistic design - it eliminated problems by simply eliminating all functionality associated with said problems. "But . . . but . . . that's like cutting off your arm because your palm itches." complained one reporter, before he was escorted off the premises for being an 'Android lover'.

Apple fans have responded with the now predictable near-religious ecstasy - flooding web sites with pre-orders, pointing and laughing at Samsung users and surreptitiously looking up for the meaning of 'retinal'.

"It's amazing. First, the iNept started playing 'Four weddings and a funeral' . About half an hour into the movie, it switched to playing a music video with Akon signing Celine Dion covers, and then abruptly launched Temple Run! No other device can offer a comparable user experience." gushed an evidently thrilled girl with purple hair. "I didn't really understand the movie, I don't like Akon much, and I don't like playing games - but I had so much fun sitting back and not making choices that I didn't care."

Apple has also kick started a huge community initiative by launching a user group called 'global iNept community'. Customers who sign up for an exorbitant fee get a T-shirt that reads 'Forever iNept', and access to expert advice on the best and most efficient ways to not click icons. Members also get access to the new iNvoluntary scheme - where they don't even have to make actual purchase decisions on future iNept accessories. Their bank accounts will be automatically debited when the product is launched, and packages will be delivered to their door whether they like it or not. The idea has generated tremendous excitement in the iNept community, and fans are raving about Apple's continuing dedication to 'ease of use' and 'simplicity'. "Apple has always shown great foresight in getting rid of ideas that are soon going to be obsolete - Floppy Drives, Optical Drives, USB, File Systems, and Free Will. Whiners who are complaining now just don't get it - it's just jealousy" said an industry analyst known only as 'Prashant Pawan'.

The idea, as with anyhing Apple does, has found its fair share of vocal critics. "The iNept is just another attempt by Apple to make money from Mactards. They just cut out features and call it 'ease of use' to fool their customers" grumbled an industry analyst known only as 'Sathya', before returning to his attempts to install Linux on his Android phone for no earthly reason. "Hahaha the iNept is a total fail. It doesn't even run Crysis 2 - only losers will buy it." said a gamer in a 'retro cool' pac-man T-shirt, managing to be completely wrong and partly right in the same statement. "It's rubbish. The first iPad is still the best device on the market" said renowned Yoga specialist Mansi Gandhi, before admitting that she also agreed that books are better than movies, and black and white is better than color.

"The iNept is by no means the first device not to offer customers their choice of entertainment. We've been doing the same thing for years" said Shri. Tripurari Sharan, Director General of Doordarshan. "All Apple has done is reinvent radio and television - which have always catered to customers too dumb to do anything other than press a single button over and over again. As usual, Americans have copied something that has been in India for many years - just like how James Cameron copied Avatar from Mahabharata, and how Siegel and Schuster got the idea for Superman from Hanuman.", he pointed out.

However, the criticism is not stopping Apple from going ahead with more ambitious plans for a line of products that promises to make life even easier for people all over the world. It has announced plans for a range of devices - such as the iNevitable (a digital organizer that creates a daily schedule and to-do list for you to just follow), the iNsufferable (a virtual companion that follows you around and tells you how awesome Apple is every few minutes) and the iNtruder (a robot with advanced AI that will enter your life and live it for you, so that you don't have to take the effort). Much 'ease of use' to look forward to.