Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Apple introduces iNept - for people who are too cool to bother with making choices.

by Anand Ramachandran, with input from Bikang.
Electronics giant Apple Inc. has announced the latest entry in their line of consumer electronics products - a handheld device simply known as iNept.

In a press conference atop Mount Everest (a location chosen because it symbolizes Apple's position at the peak of the world, but mainly because its pristine white slopes go well with Apple's branding), CEO Tim Cock made the announcement, saying "We are delighted to launch the iNept - a device aimed to delight our core customer base. iNept is for people who hate complex, confusing and cumbersome operations such as drag and drop, right-clicking, rearranging icons and making annoying choices of any sort."
Click image for larger version.

Coot then went on to explain the iNept's killer feature, saying "The iNept makes it even easier to consume music, video and games - you simply switch it on and it will decide on its own what song, video or game to launch for your enjoyment. It's so simple, you don't even have to choose what you want to do - the device makes the choice on your behalf. All you need to do is sit back and consume whatever entertainment the iNept thinks is best for you. Awesome, right?"
The iNept takes Apple's famed simplicity of design even further than the iPad - the device has no icons, no buttons, no sliders. It just switches on when the user picks it up, and no other interaction is necessary.

When asked if people may find the new device too limiting, Book was dismissive "Our core customers have always been happy to let Apple make choices on what they should and shouldn't do. This is a logical extension of the core principles behind our staggering success - minimalism, streamlining, and understanding that our users are too cool and hip to bother with old-fashioned ideas like figuring stuff out."

The iNept follows on the smashing success of an earlier product, the iThing, which was a classic example of minimalistic design - it eliminated problems by simply eliminating all functionality associated with said problems. "But . . . but . . . that's like cutting off your arm because your palm itches." complained one reporter, before he was escorted off the premises for being an 'Android lover'.

Apple fans have responded with the now predictable near-religious ecstasy - flooding web sites with pre-orders, pointing and laughing at Samsung users and surreptitiously looking up for the meaning of 'retinal'.

"It's amazing. First, the iNept started playing 'Four weddings and a funeral' . About half an hour into the movie, it switched to playing a music video with Akon signing Celine Dion covers, and then abruptly launched Temple Run! No other device can offer a comparable user experience." gushed an evidently thrilled girl with purple hair. "I didn't really understand the movie, I don't like Akon much, and I don't like playing games - but I had so much fun sitting back and not making choices that I didn't care."

Apple has also kick started a huge community initiative by launching a user group called 'global iNept community'. Customers who sign up for an exorbitant fee get a T-shirt that reads 'Forever iNept', and access to expert advice on the best and most efficient ways to not click icons. Members also get access to the new iNvoluntary scheme - where they don't even have to make actual purchase decisions on future iNept accessories. Their bank accounts will be automatically debited when the product is launched, and packages will be delivered to their door whether they like it or not. The idea has generated tremendous excitement in the iNept community, and fans are raving about Apple's continuing dedication to 'ease of use' and 'simplicity'. "Apple has always shown great foresight in getting rid of ideas that are soon going to be obsolete - Floppy Drives, Optical Drives, USB, File Systems, and Free Will. Whiners who are complaining now just don't get it - it's just jealousy" said an industry analyst known only as 'Prashant Pawan'.

The idea, as with anyhing Apple does, has found its fair share of vocal critics. "The iNept is just another attempt by Apple to make money from Mactards. They just cut out features and call it 'ease of use' to fool their customers" grumbled an industry analyst known only as 'Sathya', before returning to his attempts to install Linux on his Android phone for no earthly reason. "Hahaha the iNept is a total fail. It doesn't even run Crysis 2 - only losers will buy it." said a gamer in a 'retro cool' pac-man T-shirt, managing to be completely wrong and partly right in the same statement. "It's rubbish. The first iPad is still the best device on the market" said renowned Yoga specialist Mansi Gandhi, before admitting that she also agreed that books are better than movies, and black and white is better than color.

"The iNept is by no means the first device not to offer customers their choice of entertainment. We've been doing the same thing for years" said Shri. Tripurari Sharan, Director General of Doordarshan. "All Apple has done is reinvent radio and television - which have always catered to customers too dumb to do anything other than press a single button over and over again. As usual, Americans have copied something that has been in India for many years - just like how James Cameron copied Avatar from Mahabharata, and how Siegel and Schuster got the idea for Superman from Hanuman.", he pointed out.

However, the criticism is not stopping Apple from going ahead with more ambitious plans for a line of products that promises to make life even easier for people all over the world. It has announced plans for a range of devices - such as the iNevitable (a digital organizer that creates a daily schedule and to-do list for you to just follow), the iNsufferable (a virtual companion that follows you around and tells you how awesome Apple is every few minutes) and the iNtruder (a robot with advanced AI that will enter your life and live it for you, so that you don't have to take the effort). Much 'ease of use' to look forward to.

Saturday, February 04, 2012

Kamal Haasan jokes failing to gain popularity on Twitter, Facebook.

While Rajinikanth jokes have become pretty much ubiquitous, showing up practically everywhere - SMS, Twitter, Facebook, newspapers,  Kapil Sibal's armpit - research has found that jokes featuring arch-rival Kamal Haasan are yet to gain the same level of popularity.
Our reporter scoured the Internet for some examples of Kamal Haasan jokes, and unearthed some :

Fifteen guys and three women walk into a bar. All of them are Kamal Haasan in make-up.

Why is Kamal Haasan's butt so round and smooth? Because he's always rolling his Rs.

What is Kamal Haasan's father's name ? Did you say Kamalaha ? WRONG! It's Grandfather!! Hahahahahahahahahaha!!

However, these jokes seem to be lagging behind Rajinikanth jokes in term of RTs and Facebook likes.

"Rajinikanth jokes are popular everywhere - even North Indians from Bollywood to Bengal enjoy them. Comparatively, Kamal Haasan jokes do not have a pan-Indian appeal. They seem to be popular only among assistant directors, middle-class TOI readers who still live in the eighties, and a man known only as RS Prasanna." said Cho.Ramaswamy, who is asked for his opinion on absolutely everything.

"It could be because, like his movies, Rajinikanth jokes are fun and easy to understand. Probably the public finds Kamal Haasan jokes too arty and self-indulgent." said Cho. "One has to admit these days that Facebook likes are more important than just quality. I am told even the Rafale deal went through because the Rafale aircraft had more FB likes than the Typhoon. You can check with Kapil Sibal." he added, before inexplicably saying "Armpit."

Kamal Haasan himself has been pretty gracious about the whole situation. "Zhajinikanth, my gzheat fzhiend, is like the Zhambo of Indian Cinema. He is zheaping the zhewards of his hazhd wozhk. I congzhatulate him wholeheazhtedy.", he said. Kamal also said that he is confident that Kamal Haasan jokes will also eventually gain popularity.

"Zhemember, failuzhe is the stepping stone to success." he said, cursing inwardly that there were no Rs to roll in the second part of his sentence.

However, Kamal denied that he had hired a team of writers to come up with Kamal Haasan jokes in a calculated move to close the gap with Rajini - something he has been trying to do since the breakthrough success of Sivaji : The Boss. "That's nonsense. Everyone knows that only Rajinikanth can come up with decently funny Kamal Haasan jokes." he winked.
Superstar Rajinikanth tries to come up with a Kamal Haasan joke, while Kamal Haasan (Grand) looks on patiently.
Before leaving, he stopped to ask a question "Oh, by the way - What is this whole 'Grand' business? Anybody know where it started ?"  - and ended up sparking off another round of random speculation.

The popularity of Rajinikanth jokes has led to a sudden spurt in other Tamil actor based jokes on the Internet, as fans try to get their heroes their fair share of the limelight. Among these are :

Thala Ajith jokes, which are jokes that open remarkably well but then fizzle out - "Ajith walks into a bar holding an iPhone and a squirrel's tail. Then he falls down."

Vijay Saar jokes, which consist purely of punch lines - "Because two Vijays are better than one! A centipede with a shotgun! That's what SHE said!"

Vadivel jokes, which aren't funny but which the teller attempts to make hilarious simply by shouting- "A man falls into a bucket of shit. FUS-DO-RAH!"

And it's not just current stars - heroes of yesteryear are also getting jokes of their own. There are SS Rajendran jokes (which are jokes told with a silly grin and a pencil moustache), AVM Rajan jokes (jokes which nobody remembers or cares about) and Major Sunderrajan jokes (which are jokes told in Tamil, followed immediately by a verbatim translation in English). Good times for all.

Meanwhile, India's minister for Communications and Information Technology Kapil Sibal has said that he does not have any intentions of censoring Rajinikanth jokes on the Internet. "Preposterous. Next, people are going to accuse me of censoring my own armpit.", he said.