Thursday, April 08, 2010

Govt. of India to set up National Disintegration Council.

by Anand Ramachandran, a self-styled 'self-styled satirist' who blogs here.

After their recent efforts to spruce up the country's image as a 'happening place' and appointing an 'Offense Minister', the Government of India has sprung another surprise by announcing the formation of the Indian National Disintegration Council (IN-DIC) to speed up the complete disintegration of the Indian Union into separate sovereign states.

Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh has announced the formation of the National Disintegration Council, which will break up India into smaller nations - effectively making Congress President Mrs.Sonia Gandhi a foreigner. Again.

"Look, the job of the Government is to keep the people of India happy by giving them what they want. Just one look at the country, and it's obvious that it's full of people such as Muslim fanatics, Hindu lunatics, Militant Separatists, Communal and Linguistic Crazies who simply can't stand living in the same country as each other. So we decided that the best thing to do is to give them what they want - separate homelands." said Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh, addressing a gathering of reporters. " The National Disintegration Council will be involved in organizing a range of initiatives to ensure that all these people achieve their dream of shattering our nation into itty-bitty pieces - one piece for everyone.", said Dr.Singh, becoming the first head of state to use the term 'itty-bitty' in an official address. [correction - In fact, president Pratibha Patil is the Head of State. But we forgot, since she doesn't do anything of note.]

Apparently, IN-DIC will have representatives from various groups who have an interest in its objectives - including Maoists, Kashmiri separatist Jihadis, an assortment of saffron-clad dudes who believe that non-saffron clad dudes should be kicked out of India, some guys from Tamil Nadu who seem to believe that Malaysia is a part of Chennai, and one person who insisted that everyone present should speak only in Marathi. To ensure speedy achievement of the organisation's goals, it will be chaired by TV anchorman Arnab Goswami.

"Look, a government has to set goals it can achieve. Any fool can see that National Disintegration is far easier to achieve than National Integration, so why not go with the flow? At least now, we can show tremendous progress year after year, and keep winning elections.", said Home Minister P.Chidambaram. "Besides, Disintegration is way cooler than Integration. Disintegration is something you do using plasma cannons, ray-guns or arcane magic spells. Integration is that blade thing you do as a part of that stupid math subject named after that Tintin character." he added.

The news has delighted a disturbingly large number of political parties and other organisations in almost every state in India, with the exception of Kerala, where everyone was too busy discussing whether S.Sreesanth would be the captain of their new IPL franchise. Many of them have now gotten busy with the important task of coming up with names, national mottos and national anthems for their new countries. A suprisingly large number of mottos seem to be local-language translations of phrases such as "Okay, now what?", "Oops, we're in some shit now, right?" and "Looks like we didn't think this through." Some early suggestions for names include "Devoidofmuslimstan", "The Nation Formerly Known as The State of Maharashtra", and "Telegana, where we're so landlocked it isn't funny."

The public, as always, has reacted with a mix of optimism, shock, disgust and sarcasm.

"Well, look at the bright side. If we give the Maoists and Jihadis separate nations, then they'll only have each other to kill, and eventually they'll exterminate themselves. Bet Arundhati Roy didn't think of that, eh?" pointed out Sankalesh Jimmy, staying true to his 'half-full' kind of personality.

"I'm okay with it in principle. At least now if K.Srikkanth selects players like M.Vijay for the national side, he won't be accused of parochialism.", said Chennai resident Aravind Murali, bringing in a cricket angle as always. But he admitted that even then, selecting S.Badrinath for limited overs formats would be a rash move.

"This is terrible news. This means that I will be treated like a foreigner when I travel to Bihar, Karnataka or Assam.", said Congress President Mrs.Sonia Gandhi. "Oh. Er. Ah. Heh heh.", she added, making a solid recovery in true Jadeja-Robin Singh tradition, before adding that the Azzurri had little chance of defending their title in South Africa come July.

"I don't think it will make much of a difference to me at least. I'll still have to import my Hasselblad lenses and other kvlt photographic equipment from places which were anyway not a part of India. Unless you count Dubai.", winked Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar. "Also, people. It's either Abu Dhabi or Dubai. There is no AbuDubai or AbiDubai.", he explained, adding an educational element to his comments.

And what of those people in India who do not want to break up the nation, since they don't really mind living next-door to people who are from different ethnic backgrounds, speak different languages, or worship different gods? The Government is not ignoring them - apparently a few three-bedroom flats in Valmiki Nagar, Chennai have been booked exclusively for their use.