Wednesday, April 21, 2010

IPL crisis solved, Modi to be External Affairs Minister, Tharoor to head IPL.

by Anand Ramachandran, but Ramesh Srivats had the idea first. So if you're going to sue for defamation, you know your target ;)

Moving with unprecedented speed and decisiveness, the Government of India and the BCCI has come up with a remarkably elegant and effective solution to the ongoing IPL controversy - they have appointed Lalit Modi as External Affairs Minister and made Shashi Tharoor the commissioner of the IPL.



Lalit Modi points in the general direction of Sikkim, denying its very existence and ending the border debate with China in a matter of seconds.


"We suddenly realized that the amazing negotiation and crisis-management skills displayed by Mr.Lalit Modi are completely wasted on trivialities such as cricket. They would be put to much better use in the MoEA, where he could tackle serious problems such as Pakistan, China and Sri Lanka, and give the rather blade ministry a much needed branding makeover. Woo hoo!", said Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh.

"Any man who can so brazenly thumb his nose at everyone even when he is neck-deep in shit will be a valuable asset in telling Pakistan to pike off.", said Dr.Singh, unexpectedly using a cuss-word cribbed from the Planescape : Torment universe. "His superb denial skills will also come in handy in situations where we need to deny the existence of fairly obvious but annoying inconveniences such as the LOC, the refugee problem, and most of the north-eastern states. Plus, Mr.Modi is a perfect blend of 'external' and 'affairs', making him the perfect man for the job.", said Dr.Singh.

Early reports also indicate that Mr.Modi may be given additional charge of the Finance Ministry, to take advantage of his undoubted mastery of making ridiculously untenable financials seem viable, even exciting. "We are confident that Mr.Modi will be able to find sponsors who will pay for initiatives such as the UID and NREGA schemes, and even find a title sponsor for the national debt. This will free up thousands of crores of taxpayer money that we can coolly pocke . . er . . ah . . pockastickate for stringinindous rural development projects.", winked Congress party spokesman Abhishek Manu Singhvi, making up a few official-sounding words in the nick of time.

Apparently Mr.Modi has already swung into action, and has initiated an auction process to create privately held franchises out of institutions such as the State Bank of India, NABARD and, unsurprisingly, the Income-Tax Department. "We'll see how you lT losers investigate my accounts when my good friends Mukesh Ambani and Vijay Mallya own your sorry asses", smirked Modi, under the mistaken impression that this was not already the case.

Meanwhile, former Minister of State for External Affairs Dr.Shashi Tharoor will take charge as commissioner of the IPL. His immediate duties will include implementing Mr.Modi's original vision of globalizing the league, by taking it to countries such as Gabon, Burkina-Faso and Sierra-Leone. "Dr.Tharoor's experience in Africa is very relevant to the IPL, since a third of the IPL matches have been played there anyway.", explained BCCI president Mr.Shashank Manohar, justifying the unexpected posting. "Plus, Africa has contributed one of the IPL's most integral parts - Akon. Smack that!", said Manohar, wisely resisting the urge to swiftly slap his palm on the posterior of BCCI secretary Mr.Niranjan Shah, who was standing beside him.

Neither Mr.Modi nor Dr.Tharoor were available for  further comment, since they've both been told to stay off Twitter, cutting off their main communication channel.

43 comments:

Saurabh Somani said...

Ha ha ha - freakin hilarious. kudos to ramesh on the idea, and to anand for recognizing it's 'spinning' potential.

Ramesh Srivats said...

Haha awesome. My memories of this post will help me stay cheerful during my jail stint.

Jasojeet said...

Hahhahahha..nobel peace prize for ramesh (an co partnered by Anand Ramachandran for smartly developing onthe idea! --just as our ideas like the bose particle were improved upon by others :) )for such a path breaking idea!!

Envyas said...

Oh come on! Only one para for Tharoor? Disappointed :p

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

@ramesh - See what I did there?

@nikhil - what's there?

Everyone else - thanks for reading Son of Bosey.

Indranil Chakraborty said...

The swiftness on the part of the Indian Govt. is nothing compared to how swiftly Son of Bosey is churning out new posts...

ARIVUMANI, LISBON said...

Oh god, Anything is feasible in this present political play..

Anonymous said...

Errr...Wasn't Tharoor just a Minister of State for External Affairs? You've mistaken his portfolio to be the Ministry of External Affairs?

His job was never about Sikkim or China. He was just a minister of Kerala.

King Viswa said...

Excellent.

Every time i think that this is by far the best post, you topple that with something amazing like this.

What next?

Vasu said...

Correction correction..Modi can only become Junior minsiter. Shady Sharad Pawar has to become the External Affairs minsiter given his incredible capacity to be the biggest crook, and never get caught for four decades.
With a man of such skill as the External affairs minister, we can bomb Pakistan, grab land from China, loot Europe and take over U.S without any proof our criminal acts!

Cheers!
Vasu

P.S: And yeah, S.M Krishna can join IPL as commentator. I am sure he would do better than L. Siva :)

Errol said...

Brilliant stuff

Right-Wing-Lunatic said...

This is frigging hilarious. Still laughing with tears in my eyes and stomach cramps...
200000 RTs...

Anonymous said...

Maoist crisis resolved!
Chidambaram has been asked to quit, and the CPI (Maoist) party has asked him to join them as senior consultant, so he can help the part acquire "strategic" relations with corporate firms who sell arms around the world.
Meanwhile, Kishanji has decided to join the Home Ministry as he has committed on record never to speak in a choked voice while in Parliament. Discussions are on with Sonia Gandhi to make Kishanji's entry into the Ministry as smooth as possible. As of now, the main bone of contention is Mrs. Gandhi's concern of the to-be Minister giving press conference with a towel around his face.
Apparently, the new MEA minister, Mr. Lalit Modi is moderating the meeting.

A K Ravishankar said...

awesome boss....keep up....had nice time reading....

Unknown said...

"wisely resisting the urge to swiftly slap his palm on the posterior of BCCI secretary Mr.Niranjan Shah"

I laughed for abt 10 mins after reading that line..

Your posts are freakin hilarious. Keep posting gud stuff.

Mahesh Pai said...

Hilarious post..! Simply amazing stuff!

no signal said...

Amazing title. Post could have been better. :)

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

@ bluespace arivumani germany - You win the award for the commenter with the most awesome ID.

@no signal - Amazing comment. ID could have been better. :)

Everyone else - thanks for reading Son of Bosey.

Vikash said...

What an idea sirji!!

Raman said...

While the post is ingenious and funny, the situation is sad.

What are we complaining about? After all, IPL is the resonance of our culture!! Is there any field that does not demand unethical practices? Tharoor says he has a clean record - doesn't mean that he is clean; just means that he hasn't been caught until now. So is the case for everything. Congress is embaressed about Tharoor so it has very nicely turned the heat on NCP. This is the policy they have followed for ever - divide and rule and when in trouble, put others in the spotlight. So much for Mr. Clean Manmohan.

What are we questioning? The involvement of huge sums of money and powerful people in a free market enterprise? Are we saying every other deal in India, except for the IPL is clean? What a joke.

Modi has frontman in Delhi? Make no mistake - HE IS THE FRONT! The pawars and patels and jaitleys would know. After all, is it really possible for a rank outsider to just walk into a politically & monetarily controlled setup and become a hero overnight? Of course not. He's a support actor. The heroes are different.

And is he really that stupid that he'll tweet to his grave? Of course not - my hunch is he knew what was coming. Irrespective of whoever won, Modi was destined to be the fall guy. He had played the game well for too long. I like his approach though - take them down with him.

Gorfus Horribulus said...

pockasticate is awesome word!

Insightful Instincts said...

:-) :-) 8-) Cannot stop laughing right in the middle of office. Judging by the circus that is happening, swapping of posts between Tharoor and Modi is frighteningly possible. IPL rocks!!!(us into laughter).. A laugh riot indeed.!!

Anonymous said...

hilarious as usual...keep up the good work!

harsha said...

It was truly side-splitting post..

vasundhar said...

And Who is going to be the Queen/ Cheer leader ?
Did I miss the story somewhere ?
(You shuffled the cards with jokers but left out the Queen)

Aakar said...

Good idea. Let us send Dr. Manmohan Singh a joint proposal.

Senthil Nathan said...

nice post
you've inspired( or corrupted) me to make this post
http://thecompassionist.blogspot.com/2010/04/breakthrough-by-isro-scientists.html

earnestbanter said...

Though I thought it was a fantastic suggestion I was wondering if Modi could be made coach of our national team at present. With people like John Buchanan, and the whole breed of laptop coaches around lately, Lalit Kumar wouldn’t exactly be a bad choice. He supremely tech savvy, he’d have all the training and party schedules of his team all jotted down on his Blackerry neatly. Using his powers of persuasion or bullying, or his ways over people, Modi would pressure all boards over the worlds to not allow any tournaments featuring India to be played in any other place other than India. This would help our team immensely so they are in ship shape condition to be the flat track bullies that they are after the IPL finishes.

Modi will help ensure that all overseas players have to attend awesome sleazy parties every night before they play India. On the mind games front, Modi has no parallel. He would take over all press conferences and train the otherwise not so eloquent Dhoni in the art. He will intimidate and surprise the opposition with these mind games just like Jose Mourinho does, except that the Special One knows a thing or two about football. Think of it, Modi was the country’s Special One after all not so long time ago, wasn’t he?

rakesh sukumar said...

In breaking news: Mamata banerjee and Mayawati wil be heading the cheer leading for the india in the ongoing indo-pak summit. :)

25BAR said...

that'll work!

Anonymous said...

Next post please..!!!!

Anonymous said...

Nice humor you got there..
Got ur blog article in an email (the one on corruption)
enjoyed it
Regards
Arpan
http://business-fundas.com/

CHANDAN RASTOGI said...

great stuff....couldn't stop laughing!!!

raji said...

It is totally hilarious. I really enjoyed it

Devi said...

Brilliant humor Anand. I happened to read to read the one on genetically modified humans. Plan to add it as a link on my blog

Ron said...

dude this is in relation to ur article on yahoo

http://in.news.yahoo.com/columnist/anand_ramachandran/6/scientific-inventions-for-everyone

which ahs frankly speking, left me flabbergasted. why dont u leave the science part to researchers and scientists instead of passing comments like what use is sending a spacecraft to the moon. i do not wish to explain to you the intricacies of sending out a spacecraft to the moon, but be rest assured that it was not sent out just to find water on the moon. while i agree that science should benefit mankind, i consider ur comment that any science which does not benefit, is utterly useles. i cant explain how flabbergasted and utterly disappointed i am at sudch dimwitted statements from such an intelligent person as you.

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

@Ron - That article is supposed to be a joke. It's a shame how many idiots who read it don't seem to get it, demonstrating a sad lack of any ability to detect irony or satire, however unsubtle it may be.

Of course, I'm not referring to you - you are obviously an intelligent chap who totally gets these things. I'm only referring to all those other moronic douchebags who can't seem to recognize satire if it bit them on the scrotal sac.

Oh - and . . .what? Too lazy to use the shift key? Or just haven't learned to use capitals yet?

Sheesh.

Gorfus Horribulus said...

hahahahaha! Cross-posting genius! Well played, Anand!

Anonymous said...

seeing that you don't usually lose your sense of humour/cool in your comment section, how ever critical the comment may be, i just read the article in question...

being a regular reader and used to the style here, and reading your yahoo column the first time, it was difficult to detect satire in the initial paragraphs, especially the second and the third. so the mind may have begun to perceive the whole article in a different light. i was wondering, did it have anything to do with the format of the page or the writing style... in your posts here, there is a slow, casual, leisurely way in which i imbibe the humor..however, with respect to the article, i could read it much quicker and hence maybe the humour was not so apparent...

sorry for not using the shift key:)

The Kid said...

@lol

But I do not agree when everyone blames Modi for corruption. He is an innovator and sometimes these allegations are fueled by "jealousy".

king said...

It is totally hilarious. I really enjoyed it..

Anonymous said...

Haha, brilliant completely random Planescape reference!

Kumar said...

Reading your blog for the first time. awesome stuff.. "pockastickate for stringinindous rural development projects" - killer :D :D..