by Anand Ramachandran, who has made more Power Point presentations than he'd care to admit.
In a great development for creators and
viewers of blade Power Point presentations worldwide, software giant
Microsoft and superstar director James Cameron have announced that
they will be bringing the groundbreaking immersive 3D technology
behind the Hollywood blockbuster 'Avatar' to Microsoft Power-Point.
“This is HUGE. Just imagine being
able to feel that you're actually inside a PPT, like you can almost
reach out and touch those bullet points! Imagine feeling like that
'zoom' effect clipart is actually going to leap out of the screen and
smack your nose! Imagine recoiling in horror, not at the inanity of
the PPT itself, but because the 'blinds' transition seems like it's
going to crush you between the two slides it connects! It heralds a
new era for corporate presentations! ” said Cameron, unnecessarily
double clicking on hyperlinks in his excitement.
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The new technology partnership between James Cameron and Microsoft will make Power Point slides such as this one truly come alive. The joy.
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The new state-of-the-art technology is
poised to revolutionize the art of PPT presentation creation, and has
sent millions of corporate marketing and management types into a
delirious tizzy. “Immersive 3D will instantly turn our moronic,
unintelligent, boring crap presentations into instant classics –
just like what happened with Avatar!” said a marketing manager
known only as 'Subbu'. “The entire corporate fraternity is looking
forward to using this cutting-edge technology to greatly enhance the
end-user experience by creating best-in-class content by combining
immersive visual presentation with comprehensive informational
information to deliver lasting value in presentations that are
otherwise basically useless.”, he said, momentarily managing to hit
a comfort zone of corporate babble before uncharacteristically
lapsing into honesty.
However, the technology also comes with
an important caveat – the software and hardware required to make
these 3D PPT presentations will cost millions of dollars. “We don't
see the high cost as a problem, really. MS Office has been absurdly
overpriced for years – but people will just use pirated versions
and create presentations, just like they've been doing all along. So
no major loss of revenue there.”, said a spokesman for Microsoft,
quite reasonably.
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Jake Sully and Princess Neytiri from Avatar seem bewildered by terms such as 'KRAs', 'cross-monetization', 'Optimal ARPUs' and 'Having said that' appearing in an immersive 3D PPT, proving that even 3D technology can't make corporate jargon comprehensible or bearable.
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The 3D Power Point software will use
advanced motion capture technology to ensure that all the effects and
transitions – such as 'box-in', 'checkerboard' and “fly-from-right'
will accurately represent their original avatars (pun not intended,
but unavoidable). “We will carefully capture the movements of the
text, clipart and slides from original 2D PPTs by carefully using
advanced motion-capture technology to precisely replicate the complex
movements involved – such as left-to-right or top-to-bottom.”,
said a fat unshaven guy from the Vfx team. “Digital to analog to
digital – even Jai Shankar Iyer would be proud! Or Kavi
Alexander!”, he added, to the puzzlement of all.
Also, to view these amazing Power Point
presentations in their full glory, users will have to wear special 3D
glasses. “Yes, every user will have to wear special dark glasses to
experience the breathtaking 3D PPT experience – with the exceptions
of P.Diddy, Tomonobu Itagaki and Dr.M.Karunanidhi.”, confirmed
Cameron, while simutaneously negotiating with representatives from
Lawrence & Mayo and C.K.Devchand.
In the wake of Avatar's stupendous
success, this announcement has created major ripples in public
consciousness.
“ I personally can't wait. I've
always wanted to create Power Point presentations that will allow my
clients to get up close and personal with the ideas I'm trying to
convey. Especially my costing slides. Heh heh.”, said renowned
sales executive Tony Chacko, with a trademark wink
™. He also agreed that, thanks to the new technology, all
office meetings now looked a bit like MiB conventions, and that his
old Sindhi finance manager looked a bit like Tommy Lee Jones.
“Motion capture? What is all this
newfangled nonsense? Motion capture is what they used to do at
Ehrlich laboratories when they suspected you had some disease.”,
said T.S.Krishnaswamy, displaying his well-recognized acerbic wit. “
Heh. Ehrlich. That foolish fellow Visu always used to call it Enrich
laboratories, even though it was right next to his house.”, he
quipped, needlessly dragging Visu Mama into the issue.
“Microsoft is all balls. Mac rules.
Power Point may now have immersive 3D, but Macs are simply better.”,
said [insert Mac loyalist name here], before leaving to play the
just-released Mac version of a six year old PC game.
“It's interesting, but I'm not sure
I'd enjoy the experience of polka-dotted pie charts that threatened
to trap me between that tiny wedge between 'market share in
Siffrigistan' and 'projected losses due to non-existence of
Siffrigistan' .” joked renowned wildlife photographer
S.U.Saravanakumar, taking at dig at corporate types, confident that
they wouldn't get the joke.
In related news, some deranged fans of
the new 3D Power Point presentations have apparently committed
suicide because they couldn't get a 'cover from top-left' transition
in real life to mark the arrival of noon.