Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Kamal Hassan announces ‘Ek Duje Ke Liye 2’

World renowned Tamil film star Kamal Hassan (Grand to friends) has announced that he will shortly start shooting for a sequel to his eighties hit bilingual film ‘Ek Duje Ke Liye’.

Considering that ‘Ek Duje Ke Liye’ ended with both Kamal Hassan and female lead Rati Agnihotri deciding to make like the Titanic and plunge into the ocean, presumably to live out the rest of their days together (Okay, minutes. Okay, seconds. Sheesh.), it seems an odd choice for a sequel. But Kamal was quick to clear the air for his fans. “Basically, what happens at the end of the first film is this - Vasu and Sapna don’t drown. They are rescued by an underwater civilization and placed in cryostasis chambers. The sequel is about what happens when they eventually wake up.”, said the actor, managing to elicit a reaction of stunned disbelief and sporadic spluttering from reporters present.

While he refused to divulge any more information about the story (probably because it doesn’t exist yet), Kamal did say that the film would give him a great opportunity to say the words ‘Czhzhyostasis Chambezhzh’ and ‘Undezhzhwatezhzhzh Civilizaizhzhtion’, in his world famous accent which makes every word with an ‘r’ sound vaguely like ‘Vazhapazham.’

One of the underwater denizens carefully considers if it's a good idea to wake Vasu and Sapna from cryo-sleep. It probably isn't.

“While the original was a tragic love story, Ek Duje Ke Liye 2 will be a special effects Sci-Fi extravaganza”, said Kamal, inadvertently giving credence to the theory that he felt the need to go one-up on long time rival Rajnikanth’s recent blockbuster, Endhiran.

Apparently, the film will feature spectacular “Hollywood special effects from Singapore”, underwater song sequences, and a digitally recreated, CG version of the late Poornam Viswanathan. In other news sure to delight fans, the film will not be directed by K.S.Ravikumar, and Kamal Hassan will be playing only three characters, none of which resemble a zombie version of Jay Leno. The film will have elements of comedy, romance, action and even horror - the last of these chiefly due to the presence of Rati Agnihotri as the heroine.

“It’s a family entertainer with mild sex and some light violence”, said the film’s producer, a man known simply as ‘Kannan’, effectively describing most Indian films. “You can watch with family”, he added with a slightly creepy grin, without specifying whether this would be appropriate, or even enjoyable.

Kamal also announced plans for the launch of another sequel, ‘Hey Ram 3’. Explaining the reason for skipping a number and going directly to 3, Kamal’s AD said “Kamal Saar yeppavumae konjam differenta think pannuvaaru. Avar Douglas Adams maadhiri rendu film vechchae trilogy pannuvaaru. Yeppadi?

Friday, October 15, 2010

Couple decide not to name newborn son ‘Aryan’

Mrs. and Mr.Sunil Poorvath, residents of Annanagar, Chennai, have taken the unusual, imaginative and courageous decision not to name their newborn son ‘Aryan’.

Explaining his stand, Mr.Poorvath said “I don’t know . . . . I just don’t like the name very much. I was thinking something along the lines of Sumit, or Prateek, or maybe even Sankalesh. But I never quite got this whole ‘Aryan’ thing.”

Mr.Poorvath also admitted that he was the guy who always went against trends - he continued to drink Thums Up even after Pepsi and Coke entered the market in the 90s,still insists that Ambassador is the best car for Indian roads, and displays a disturbingly lingering nostalgic affection for Meenakshi Sheshadri. He has also kept several pairs of his old ‘parallel baggies’ and ‘bellbottoms’, just in case they come back into fashion.

Some people attribute the popularity of the name Aryan to Shah Rukh Khan's son, shown here trying valiantly to look sillier than his dad.

A content Mrs.Poorvath told reporters that she was happy to leave the choice of name to her husband. “I’m really okay with anything, except those horrendous ‘one-letter-swap’ variants like Jishnu, Rijay or Prakaf.” she said, shuddering involuntarily at the last option. “Hhhrrrrr . . Prakaf! Yikes!”, she added, looking protectively at her newborn non-Aryan baby boy.

Our investigations into this matter have also revealed that at least eight of Mr.Poorvath’s close friends have secretly breathed sighs of relief, happy in the ill-informed thoughts that their to-be-born kids will now be the only ones named Aryan in their immediate circles.

According to statistics available with the HRD ministry, one in every six male children born in urban India is being named ‘Aryan’ or ‘Arya’ - virtually ensuring that in the coming years, at least some kind of Aryan supremacy will be indeed maintained. The reasons for this trend remain largely unknown, although many attribute it to various reasons such as film star Shah Rukh Khan’s choice of the name for his son, easy pronounceability, and the decreasing fashion value of traditionally popular names such as Shankar, Jayant, Sudheer and Annadhaana-p-pirabu.

“Let’s face it, old fashioned names don’t look quite as nice on a fashion label, cricket scoreboard, or film credit. Can you imagine a fashion range called ‘Casbah - by Pramod’ ? Imagine a cricket scorecard that read ‘Annadhanna-p-pirabu - c Saivignesh b Jignaprasad’ ? We need the Aryans, Rohans and Armaans to make our world fashionably correct.” opined a ridiculous looking fashion designer simply called ‘Ae’.

Meanwhile, the DMK Government in Tamil Nadu has responded by announcing tax benefits to all couples who name their sons ‘Dravid’, causing thousands of guys named David to simultaneously exclaim “Otha, just missed.”

Thursday, August 12, 2010

An apology for utter lack of blogging.

Amazingly, I still get a bunch of messages from you guys asking about when the next post will be. It's incredible that you haven't run out of patience and simply given up. Many thanks.

The answer is - I don't know. I'm doing a bunch of things that are keeping me insanely busy, so I hardly get time to blog these days. Hopefully, one (or more) of my clients will eventually realize that I'm useless, and fire me, leaving me with enough time to blog every day.

However, I have been doing some pretty interesting stuff, and you guys should check some of it out if you haven't already.

As always, thanks for reading. If things go well, Son of Bosey should resume regular service next week.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

IPL crisis solved, Modi to be External Affairs Minister, Tharoor to head IPL.

by Anand Ramachandran, but Ramesh Srivats had the idea first. So if you're going to sue for defamation, you know your target ;)

Moving with unprecedented speed and decisiveness, the Government of India and the BCCI has come up with a remarkably elegant and effective solution to the ongoing IPL controversy - they have appointed Lalit Modi as External Affairs Minister and made Shashi Tharoor the commissioner of the IPL.

Lalit Modi points in the general direction of Sikkim, denying its very existence and ending the border debate with China in a matter of seconds.

"We suddenly realized that the amazing negotiation and crisis-management skills displayed by Mr.Lalit Modi are completely wasted on trivialities such as cricket. They would be put to much better use in the MoEA, where he could tackle serious problems such as Pakistan, China and Sri Lanka, and give the rather blade ministry a much needed branding makeover. Woo hoo!", said Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh.

"Any man who can so brazenly thumb his nose at everyone even when he is neck-deep in shit will be a valuable asset in telling Pakistan to pike off.", said Dr.Singh, unexpectedly using a cuss-word cribbed from the Planescape : Torment universe. "His superb denial skills will also come in handy in situations where we need to deny the existence of fairly obvious but annoying inconveniences such as the LOC, the refugee problem, and most of the north-eastern states. Plus, Mr.Modi is a perfect blend of 'external' and 'affairs', making him the perfect man for the job.", said Dr.Singh.

Early reports also indicate that Mr.Modi may be given additional charge of the Finance Ministry, to take advantage of his undoubted mastery of making ridiculously untenable financials seem viable, even exciting. "We are confident that Mr.Modi will be able to find sponsors who will pay for initiatives such as the UID and NREGA schemes, and even find a title sponsor for the national debt. This will free up thousands of crores of taxpayer money that we can coolly pocke . . er . . ah . . pockastickate for stringinindous rural development projects.", winked Congress party spokesman Abhishek Manu Singhvi, making up a few official-sounding words in the nick of time.

Apparently Mr.Modi has already swung into action, and has initiated an auction process to create privately held franchises out of institutions such as the State Bank of India, NABARD and, unsurprisingly, the Income-Tax Department. "We'll see how you lT losers investigate my accounts when my good friends Mukesh Ambani and Vijay Mallya own your sorry asses", smirked Modi, under the mistaken impression that this was not already the case.

Meanwhile, former Minister of State for External Affairs Dr.Shashi Tharoor will take charge as commissioner of the IPL. His immediate duties will include implementing Mr.Modi's original vision of globalizing the league, by taking it to countries such as Gabon, Burkina-Faso and Sierra-Leone. "Dr.Tharoor's experience in Africa is very relevant to the IPL, since a third of the IPL matches have been played there anyway.", explained BCCI president Mr.Shashank Manohar, justifying the unexpected posting. "Plus, Africa has contributed one of the IPL's most integral parts - Akon. Smack that!", said Manohar, wisely resisting the urge to swiftly slap his palm on the posterior of BCCI secretary Mr.Niranjan Shah, who was standing beside him.

Neither Mr.Modi nor Dr.Tharoor were available for  further comment, since they've both been told to stay off Twitter, cutting off their main communication channel.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Chennai Doordarshan to produce 'ManaiMaatchi : The Movie' . Also announces films based on 'Maanila Seidhigal', 'Munnottam' and 'Thadangalukku Varundhugirom'.

by Anand Ramachandran, with a little help from his friends.

As a part of a strategic entry into the film production business, the Chennai Doordarshan Kendra has announced a multi-crore 3-D feature film version of it's popular 80s TV show, 'ManaiMaatchi'. It has also announced film versions of other popular classic programmes 'Munnottam', 'Ediroli' and 'Vayalum Vaazhvum' and an animated feature based on 'Maanila Seidhigal'.

ManaiMaatchi : The Movie will feature exciting action-packed sequences showing random women engaging in death defying activities such as making Rasam, decorating biscuit-tins and making paper-bags out of older paper-bags.

"We have noticed that there is an international trend of making TV shows into blockbuster films, as evidenced by recent examples like Sex and the City, the A-Team and The Dukes of Hazzard. So we decided to take our best, most popular shows and turn them into blockbuster films, to increase revenue.", said a guy whose insistence on wearing a safari suit distracted us from ascertaining his name.

Apparently, ManaiMaatchi : The Movie (3-D) will feature Tamil film superstar Trisha as a random housewife who will, over the course of the film's running time of three hours, show the audience how to make, among other things, rava-uppuma, a basic cross-stitch pattern (featuring Kartik Bose demonstrating a cover-drive to some eager Englishmen)) and a cool toy boat using some camphor and an old Cuticura tin. The film will also feature an appearance by superstar actor Dr.Mr.Joseph Vijay Saar as the guy who brings in the tray carrying onions, and maybe also some chillies. When asked why this kind of film required 3-D, the safari-clad guy replied "For the exact same reasons that Clash of The Titans did. I have nothing more to add."

The Tamil community is thrilled with the news, and they reacted with the same enthusiasm they show whenever anything remotely relating to Tamil Nadu is mentioned anywhere, especially on Twitter.

"Wow. An animated feature based on Maanila Seidhigal? Yay! This is what I've been waiting for all my life - a cartoon version of a minister inaugurating a village hand-pump, followed by some women getting bank loans! Exciting! ", said renowned animation industry veteran P.C.Vikram. He also fervently hoped that the filmmakers wouldn't leave out the sequences where some bored looking men sit below a photo of former Chief Minister K.Kamaraj while another addresses a group of twelve villagers.

A scene from the 'Vayalum Vaazhvum' movie trailer, showing a farmer spraying pesticide on his crop, moments before his ass gets kicked by a karate-chopping P.Sainath (not in picture).

Doordarshan has also revealed that the 'Munnottam' movie would consist of a stern looking woman with a disconcertingly bass voice reading out a list of all their upcoming movie releases for the next two years, and the 'Ediroli' movie would feature a man wearing thick horn-rimmed glassed cheerfully answering questions about all their other movies. The 'Vayalum Vazhvum' feature is tipped to be the launch vehicle that will kick-start the celluloid career of veteran journalist P.Sainath.

Doordarshan will be ensuring that all the film versions carefully retain the flavour of the original shows, by using techniques such as tiresome direction, monotonous voice dubbing, and shooting the entire slate of films in Black and White.

"Great news indeed", said Vishwanathan Srinivasan, a long-time fan of retro Doordarshan content. "Now, if only they would remake 'Vilayaatu Vimarsanam' as a sports film along the lines of Escape to Victory, my life will be complete.", he said, turning disproportionately emotional and sentimental.

"I'm not sure that the content translates very well to the feature film format.", said wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, playing the devil's advocate. "What's next? An 'Over To Delhi' film which will make the audience wait for some twenty minutes before switching to some totally unrelated movie?", he asked, causing the people who came up with 'Blind Date' at Sathyam Cinemas to shuffle their feet and look around nervously.

Plans have also been announced for a two-hour long film called Thadangalukku Varundhugirom : Sorry for the Break (Like Prince : It's Showtime) - which will be the world's first movie to consist purely of its own interval. It will simply feature a still image of a broken film-strip on the screen for the entire duration of the film, while people mill about, buy popcorn, and discuss whether the second half will be better than the first half. There will also be a sequel, Thadangalukku Varundhugirom 2, which will be exactly the same, except it will feature an image of a family riding a scooter which has just had a tyre blowout.

"We are proud to be a part of such an innovative and daring initiative to take these old classic TV shows to an entirely new audience. Hopefully, other Kendras will take up the baton and go on to produce their own such interesting films." said the safari suited spokesman, leaving the gathering with nightmarish images of a big-screen adaptation of 'Sansad Samachaar', directed by Madhur Bhandarkar or Ram Gopal Verma.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

TR now available in VR, says PR.

Legendary Tamil film director, producer, actor, music director, lyricist, editor and overall pWnzor Vijaya T. Rajhenderr, known to his loving fans simply as 'TR', is now available as a Virtual Reality 'Avatar', so that fans can enjoy and interact with his presence in a virtual world. According to a release from his PR agency, the TR-VR is a unique virtual reality experience that will transport fans into the world of TR, and give them a hands-on feel of what it's like to hang out with the genius behind Mythili Yennai KadhaliMonisha Yen MonalisaYen Thangai Kalyani and Veerasamy.

T.Rajendar tries on the TR-VR, and experiences a slightly disquieting experience of standing next to a virtual version of himself. Now he knows how Mumtaj felt while filming Veerasamy.

According to journalists who were given access to a demo version, the TR-VR comes with a variety of built in Apps that help you participate in numerous virtual TR experiences, such as gambolling alongside him in a suspiciously colour-corrected looking bright green meadow, frolicking with him in a tub of milk, or standing by and clapping while he goes postal on a bunch of ugly goons while simultaneously waxing lyrical about fritters and rice-cakes. "It's totally awesome and unlike anything else you've ever experienced. They should have called it Virtual Surreality, but I guess they couldn't since VS doesn't rhyme with TR.", said Son of Bosey correspondent Sankalesh Jimmy, fresh from his experience of sailing through clouds on what looked like a crimson nuptial bed, with TR sitting beside him.

Rajender himself chipped in at the press event, launching into a sales pitch with his inimitable rhyming flair . "This is the TR-VR. Confident about it we are. You will enjoy it, never fear. Unless you are the Kanchi Jeeyar.", he said.

The device itself is essentially a cooling-glass that you wear, which contains all the circuitry needed to deliver the complete TR-VR experience. "People who have played the recent PS3 title 'Heavy Rain' will instantly recognize how it works - very similarly to the ARI system used by FBI agent Norman Jayden, one of the four playable characters in the game.", said Rajendar, amazing everyone with his l33t 4w350m3n3ss. "Also please to notice, Norman is a name that begins and ends with the same letter, much like my own.", he added, breaking into a jig. 

It has also been announced that international gaming giant Microsoft is keen to add the TR-VR to the launch line-up for their upcoming Project Natal. "Yes, we'd like to involve Mr.Rajender in our plans for Project Natal, since he's a superstar with a penchant for making outrageous and bizarre statements to the press. Just like Peter Molyneux.", explained a spokesman for Microsoft.

While this device is sure to delight TR's innumerable fans, fans of his son Silambarasan will be disappointed to learn that they have been left out. "As of now, there are no plans to introduce a TR Jr. VR", said a spokesman for Rajender's newly launched company, which has entered the electronics industry because both these words contain 'TR' within them.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Govt. of India to set up National Disintegration Council.

by Anand Ramachandran, a self-styled 'self-styled satirist' who blogs here.

After their recent efforts to spruce up the country's image as a 'happening place' and appointing an 'Offense Minister', the Government of India has sprung another surprise by announcing the formation of the Indian National Disintegration Council (IN-DIC) to speed up the complete disintegration of the Indian Union into separate sovereign states.

Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh has announced the formation of the National Disintegration Council, which will break up India into smaller nations - effectively making Congress President Mrs.Sonia Gandhi a foreigner. Again.

"Look, the job of the Government is to keep the people of India happy by giving them what they want. Just one look at the country, and it's obvious that it's full of people such as Muslim fanatics, Hindu lunatics, Militant Separatists, Communal and Linguistic Crazies who simply can't stand living in the same country as each other. So we decided that the best thing to do is to give them what they want - separate homelands." said Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh, addressing a gathering of reporters. " The National Disintegration Council will be involved in organizing a range of initiatives to ensure that all these people achieve their dream of shattering our nation into itty-bitty pieces - one piece for everyone.", said Dr.Singh, becoming the first head of state to use the term 'itty-bitty' in an official address. [correction - In fact, president Pratibha Patil is the Head of State. But we forgot, since she doesn't do anything of note.]

Apparently, IN-DIC will have representatives from various groups who have an interest in its objectives - including Maoists, Kashmiri separatist Jihadis, an assortment of saffron-clad dudes who believe that non-saffron clad dudes should be kicked out of India, some guys from Tamil Nadu who seem to believe that Malaysia is a part of Chennai, and one person who insisted that everyone present should speak only in Marathi. To ensure speedy achievement of the organisation's goals, it will be chaired by TV anchorman Arnab Goswami.

"Look, a government has to set goals it can achieve. Any fool can see that National Disintegration is far easier to achieve than National Integration, so why not go with the flow? At least now, we can show tremendous progress year after year, and keep winning elections.", said Home Minister P.Chidambaram. "Besides, Disintegration is way cooler than Integration. Disintegration is something you do using plasma cannons, ray-guns or arcane magic spells. Integration is that blade thing you do as a part of that stupid math subject named after that Tintin character." he added.

The news has delighted a disturbingly large number of political parties and other organisations in almost every state in India, with the exception of Kerala, where everyone was too busy discussing whether S.Sreesanth would be the captain of their new IPL franchise. Many of them have now gotten busy with the important task of coming up with names, national mottos and national anthems for their new countries. A suprisingly large number of mottos seem to be local-language translations of phrases such as "Okay, now what?", "Oops, we're in some shit now, right?" and "Looks like we didn't think this through." Some early suggestions for names include "Devoidofmuslimstan", "The Nation Formerly Known as The State of Maharashtra", and "Telegana, where we're so landlocked it isn't funny."

The public, as always, has reacted with a mix of optimism, shock, disgust and sarcasm.

"Well, look at the bright side. If we give the Maoists and Jihadis separate nations, then they'll only have each other to kill, and eventually they'll exterminate themselves. Bet Arundhati Roy didn't think of that, eh?" pointed out Sankalesh Jimmy, staying true to his 'half-full' kind of personality.

"I'm okay with it in principle. At least now if K.Srikkanth selects players like M.Vijay for the national side, he won't be accused of parochialism.", said Chennai resident Aravind Murali, bringing in a cricket angle as always. But he admitted that even then, selecting S.Badrinath for limited overs formats would be a rash move.

"This is terrible news. This means that I will be treated like a foreigner when I travel to Bihar, Karnataka or Assam.", said Congress President Mrs.Sonia Gandhi. "Oh. Er. Ah. Heh heh.", she added, making a solid recovery in true Jadeja-Robin Singh tradition, before adding that the Azzurri had little chance of defending their title in South Africa come July.

"I don't think it will make much of a difference to me at least. I'll still have to import my Hasselblad lenses and other kvlt photographic equipment from places which were anyway not a part of India. Unless you count Dubai.", winked Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar. "Also, people. It's either Abu Dhabi or Dubai. There is no AbuDubai or AbiDubai.", he explained, adding an educational element to his comments.

And what of those people in India who do not want to break up the nation, since they don't really mind living next-door to people who are from different ethnic backgrounds, speak different languages, or worship different gods? The Government is not ignoring them - apparently a few three-bedroom flats in Valmiki Nagar, Chennai have been booked exclusively for their use.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Political correctness activists want to replace the term 'politically incorrect' with 'politically differently correct'.

Crusaders for political correctness in everyday communication have proved that nothing escapes their notice – they are now insisting that the term 'politically incorrect' should be replaced with 'politically differently correct'.

“Who are we to judge something and label it as 'incorrect' ? It is cruel . .er . . I mean, differently kind, and completely unwarran . . er . .ah . . . differently warranted.”, said political correctness activist Venu Kapoor, struggling to stay within the bounds of political correctness herself.

“We declare that it is politically differently correct to call something 'politically incorrect'. ”, she explained, cleverly avoiding recursion by resorting to ridiculous nomenclature. She then left in a hurry to meet her lawyers, to get her name changed legally to Venu Kadifferentlyrich. “Sounds vaguely Russian, no? Exotic.”, she quipped.

“Jeez. What next? Will they suggest that we say 'differently identical' as opposed to 'different' ?” asked wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, effortlessly bringing recursion back into focus. “This has got to stop. Or, if you'd prefer, 'differently continue'.”, he winked, pleased at his snippet debut.

 'The Next Kapil Dev', the talented but differently consistent cricketer who was often accused of differently blooming under pressure.

Of course, the usual suspects have quickly pounced on the opportunity, and tried to gain some mileage for themselves.

“Agreed. Now Pakistan should be called 'Different India'.” said a suitably hysterical Arnab Goswami, wiping beads of sweat that were forming on his brow, while ignoring those that were forming on his upper-lip. He also later admitted that he saw no need to wear pants, since he mostly appeared on camera only from torso upwards.

“I'm not guilty. I am merely 'differently innocent'.”, said Amir Ajmal Kasab, between insisting that he was in fact also Robert DeNiro, an electric hamster, and the gunman on the grassy knoll.

“Hereafter, Mac snobs can't hurt the feelings of Windows losers . . er . . users. We'll have to refer to them as 'different Mac users'. Damn. Not the same.” rued Priya Krishnan, cancelling her plans to pre-order the iPad in disgust.

This development clearly indicates how far the whole 'political correctness' movement has come, a far cry from when they used to merely object to fairly derogatory terms such as 'Nigger', 'Disabled' and 'Ajit Agarkar', insisting on substituting them with terms like 'African American', 'Differently Abled' and 'Next Kapil Dev'.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Aamir Khan upstages SRK, gets Solar Crater named after him.

World-famous Bollywood superstar Aamir Khan, in his well-documented eagerness to always outdo fellow superstar Shah Rukh Khan, has responded to SRK's latest claim to fame by attempting to get a Solar Crater™ named after him.

“Yes. Everyone knows that the sun pwns the stupid moon. Hence I'm having one of my fans name a crater on the surface of the sun named after me. I rule. And I'm not interested in awards – my fans' recognition means everything to me”, said a beaming Aamir Khan, quickly hiding his copy of 'More Tell Me Why' behind his back. When someone pointed out that the sun actually didn't have a surface, he retorted "Rubbish. I've read Gray's Astronomy. I know all about planets."

He also revealed that he plans to have his name changed to 'Aamir Khan Khan'. “That way, I'll always be twice the Khan Shah Rukh Khan (not to be confused with Khan Abdul Gaffar Khan) is.”,he winked, before adding “Everyone knows that Khan pwns Rukh as a middle-name anyway.”

“Anyway, he refers to himself as King Khan. He should actually be Rukh Khan. King – Rukh. Like that random 'castling' move in Chess!”, he grinned, dipping into the copy of 'Children's Knowledge Bank' he had on the table.

“This is all a mistake! The truth is that one of the craters on Shah Rukh's make-up less skin was so large, I jokingly called it the moon. The press is to blame for the mix-up.”, said an agitated Gauri Khan, instantly leading to a barrage of hate-messages on twitter aimed at Rajdeep Sardesai and Barkha Dutt.

In related news, there is no truth to the rumours that one of the craters on Moon Moon Sen has been named after former president A.P.J.Abdul Kalam.

Note : This post is part of an experiment to treat the same subject of satire in three different ways. There's a cartoon here and a short story here.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

James Cameron and Microsoft team up to bring Avatar's immersive 3D technology to Power Point presentations.

by Anand Ramachandran, who has made more Power Point presentations than he'd care to admit.

In a great development for creators and viewers of blade Power Point presentations worldwide, software giant Microsoft and superstar director James Cameron have announced that they will be bringing the groundbreaking immersive 3D technology behind the Hollywood blockbuster 'Avatar' to Microsoft Power-Point.

“This is HUGE. Just imagine being able to feel that you're actually inside a PPT, like you can almost reach out and touch those bullet points! Imagine feeling like that 'zoom' effect clipart is actually going to leap out of the screen and smack your nose! Imagine recoiling in horror, not at the inanity of the PPT itself, but because the 'blinds' transition seems like it's going to crush you between the two slides it connects! It heralds a new era for corporate presentations! ” said Cameron, unnecessarily double clicking on hyperlinks in his excitement.

The new technology partnership between James Cameron and Microsoft will make Power Point slides such as this one truly come alive. The joy.

The new state-of-the-art technology is poised to revolutionize the art of PPT presentation creation, and has sent millions of corporate marketing and management types into a delirious tizzy. “Immersive 3D will instantly turn our moronic, unintelligent, boring crap presentations into instant classics – just like what happened with Avatar!” said a marketing manager known only as 'Subbu'. “The entire corporate fraternity is looking forward to using this cutting-edge technology to greatly enhance the end-user experience by creating best-in-class content by combining immersive visual presentation with comprehensive informational information to deliver lasting value in presentations that are otherwise basically useless.”, he said, momentarily managing to hit a comfort zone of corporate babble before uncharacteristically lapsing into honesty.

However, the technology also comes with an important caveat – the software and hardware required to make these 3D PPT presentations will cost millions of dollars. “We don't see the high cost as a problem, really. MS Office has been absurdly overpriced for years – but people will just use pirated versions and create presentations, just like they've been doing all along. So no major loss of revenue there.”, said a spokesman for Microsoft, quite reasonably.

Jake Sully and Princess Neytiri from Avatar seem bewildered by terms such as 'KRAs', 'cross-monetization', 'Optimal ARPUs' and 'Having said that' appearing in an immersive 3D PPT, proving that even 3D technology can't make corporate jargon comprehensible or bearable.

The 3D Power Point software will use advanced motion capture technology to ensure that all the effects and transitions – such as 'box-in', 'checkerboard' and “fly-from-right' will accurately represent their original avatars (pun not intended, but unavoidable). “We will carefully capture the movements of the text, clipart and slides from original 2D PPTs by carefully using advanced motion-capture technology to precisely replicate the complex movements involved – such as left-to-right or top-to-bottom.”, said a fat unshaven guy from the Vfx team. “Digital to analog to digital – even Jai Shankar Iyer would be proud! Or Kavi Alexander!”, he added, to the puzzlement of all.

Also, to view these amazing Power Point presentations in their full glory, users will have to wear special 3D glasses. “Yes, every user will have to wear special dark glasses to experience the breathtaking 3D PPT experience – with the exceptions of P.Diddy, Tomonobu Itagaki and Dr.M.Karunanidhi.”, confirmed Cameron, while simutaneously negotiating with representatives from Lawrence & Mayo and C.K.Devchand.

In the wake of Avatar's stupendous success, this announcement has created major ripples in public consciousness.

“ I personally can't wait. I've always wanted to create Power Point presentations that will allow my clients to get up close and personal with the ideas I'm trying to convey. Especially my costing slides. Heh heh.”, said renowned sales executive Tony Chacko, with a trademark wink. He also agreed that, thanks to the new technology, all office meetings now looked a bit like MiB conventions, and that his old Sindhi finance manager looked a bit like Tommy Lee Jones.

“Motion capture? What is all this newfangled nonsense? Motion capture is what they used to do at Ehrlich laboratories when they suspected you had some disease.”, said T.S.Krishnaswamy, displaying his well-recognized acerbic wit. “ Heh. Ehrlich. That foolish fellow Visu always used to call it Enrich laboratories, even though it was right next to his house.”, he quipped, needlessly dragging Visu Mama into the issue.

“Microsoft is all balls. Mac rules. Power Point may now have immersive 3D, but Macs are simply better.”, said [insert Mac loyalist name here], before leaving to play the just-released Mac version of a six year old PC game.

“It's interesting, but I'm not sure I'd enjoy the experience of polka-dotted pie charts that threatened to trap me between that tiny wedge between 'market share in Siffrigistan' and 'projected losses due to non-existence of Siffrigistan' .” joked renowned wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, taking at dig at corporate types, confident that they wouldn't get the joke.

In related news, some deranged fans of the new 3D Power Point presentations have apparently committed suicide because they couldn't get a 'cover from top-left' transition in real life to mark the arrival of noon.