Thursday, April 09, 2009

Lalit Modi combines elections and IPL to create unprecedented extravaganza – Indian Premier elections ( I.P.El ) !

by Anand Ramachandran, who is relieved to have finally thought of something other than the now common 'Move Elections to South Africa' gag.

Showing his customary talent at creating events that are sure to generate multimillion dollar revenues, IPL boss Lalit Modi has solved the date-clash problem between the IPL and the Indian General Elections in the most innovative way possible – by combining the two events to create the Indian Premier Elections, an event unlike any the world has ever seen.

Being touted by all and sundry as a stroke of pure genius, the I.P.El is poised to take the two most prominent aspects of the IPL – hype and money – and take it to a whole new level. “While the IPL combined cricket and Bollywood, the Indian Premier Elections will add another Indian passion, politics, to the mix.”, screeched a smug-looking Mr.Modi, providing proof of the age-old adage that however rich and powerful a man might be, people will snigger if he has a squeaky voice. “That's great! More fun for the public. More cash for everyone. More chances to hang out with babes like Preity and Shilpa.”, he grinned, before losing his eyesight temporarily due to the sudden conversion of his pupils to assorted international currency symbols. “After our success at converting the wonderful game of cricket into a crass, embarrassingly over-the-top circus, we are proud to do the same service to Indian politics, which, despite the best efforts of sterling individuals such as Varun Gandhi, J.Jayalalitha, and the late Sitaram Kesri, is yet to truly become one.”, he signed off.

Lalit Modi, besides being the mastermind behind the IPL and the I.P.El, also owns the world's weirdest sofa.

In keeping with the conventions popularized in India by the IPL, the I.P.El will feature all-new avatars of India's political parties, with catchy alliterative names such as The Congress Comets, The BJP Blitzkreig, The Janata Juggernauts, The Samajwadi Samurais, The Communist Corporation, and the DMK Dumnkopfs. Each party will become a franchise, and will have a marketable logo and uniforms. In fact, the Janata Juggernauts have already come up with a cool catchphrase -“Apna Haath, Juggernaut!”

“We are inviting bids from numerous indulgent millionaires, over-enthusiastic but clueless entertainers, and shadowy foreign business houses for franshise ownership.”, said a spokesman for the I.P.El, showing that the powers-that-be had the good sense not to mess with a good idea.

I.P.El franchise BJP Blitzkreig's skipper L.K.Advani is delighted with the fit of the team uniform - which has the additional advantage of making Advaniji's physique seem eerily similar to that of Rahul Dravid.

In another exciting idea borrowed from the IPL, parties (er . . franchises) will be able to field a maximum of six overseas candidates each.”It'll be great! Imagine – the very best of international politicians displaying their skills side by side with our very own Netas! Just what the public wants to watch . .er . . vote for!”, said an excited former BCCI president Sharad Pawar, skilfully straddling the thin line between sports and politics as always. However, the overseas candidate rule has already caused contrversy, as the Congress Comets are not sure whether party president Sonia Gandhi will count towards their quota.

To confuse things further, BCCI hatchet-man Niranjan Shah has issued one of his nutty diktats – saying that no politician who has stood in any legitimate rival election can participate in the I.P.El – instantly ruling out possible superstars such as Barack Obama and Nicolas Sarkozy, and restricting the field solely to ageing dictators such as Fidel Castro and Muammar Gaddafi, and, depending on how things go in Pakistan, General Parvez Kayani.

Interestingly, the parties will all select their candidates at an 'auction', similar to the IPL, where they will pay huge sums of money to get candidates on their side . While this created a culture shock in the cricket community, it should pose no such problems in the policial fraternity, which has been doing things this way for decades anyway. The news has already got veterans Amar Singh and Jaswant Singh rubbing their (for now) empy hands with glee.

As always, public reaction has been spirited, whether positive or negative.

“Can't wait! Can't wait! This is going to be more fun than Gears of War 2!”, said Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, looking forward to the mega-event.

“Oh no! This means that now Charu Sharma will enter the world of political TV reporting, considerably lowering its already abysmal standards.” observed Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, bringing to light one of the negative aspects of the development.

“Rubbish, that's what it is. Whoever heard of combining cricket and politics? What next? Education and rummy? Speed-post and trigonometry? Ghee pongal and the complete works of L.Ron Hubbard? Absurd.”, fumed an irritated Tony Chacko, inadvertently giving ideas to a number of aspirants in the vicinity.

“Can't wait! Can't wait! This is perfect for me. Another way to strengthen my 'cool' and 'hip' image – in addition to my insufferrably blade blog, tweets and web site.”, wheezed BJP leader L.K.Advani, before leaving to conduct a quick comparison of Tweetdeck and Seesmic desktop.

Also, in news that is sure to delight mathematicians and other weirdos worldwide, sources have revealed that the I.P.El, in case of a hung parliament, will use a variant of Duckworth-Lewis to decide the winner. Good thing John Dyson isn't the Election Comissioner.