Saturday, November 29, 2008

Congress, BJP looking to consolidate terrorist vote bank.

by Anand Ramachandran, who is being very, very serious.

In the wake of Mumbai's darkest hour, politicians from the Congress and the BJP are showing admirable focus and dedication by striving to consolidate their polictical positions among the hitherto untapped vote bank comprising global terrorists and terror groups.

“You can't deny it – terrorists and their sympathisers are also valuable votes. Heh heh – and as any politician knows, a vote is a vote is a . . er . . vote.”, said a grinning Narendra Modi, simultaneously looking around for any nearby terrorists he could canvas to.

Home Minister Shivraj Patil, nattily attired as usual, poses for cameras before hurriedly leaving the scene to attend 'meetings' to discuss 'long-term strategies' to combat and prevent the terrorist attacks that occured on the 26th of November in Mumbai.

“I'm sure all terrorists will vote for us. After all, we have provided them with all facilities – retarded Intelligence, a coastline full of holes, a home ministry headed by a Doofus. What more can they ask for?” said Union Home Minister Shivraj Patil, suddenly sitting down due to the immense physical strain of speaking three full sentences. “Gasp. Gasp. Wheeze.”, he added, before leaving to apply Brylcreem on his hair.

“Not a chance. Every discerning terrorist knows that the BJP has been working for their betterment for the longest time. Even know, we are busy rousing rabble, starting the blame game, and generally preventing everyone from focusing on the job at hand.” said BJP supremo L.K.Advani, holding a nearby railing for support, reeling from the immense physical strain of speaking three full sentences. “Wheeze. Gasp. Wheeze.”, he added, before leaving to apply Brylcreem on his . . er . .ah . . no, wait. Moustache. That's it. Moustache. Right, on with it.

This model from a commercial for Brylcreem looks uncannily like Home Minister Shivraj Patil, except that he seems to show absolutely no concern for the recent horrors in Mumbai. No, wait . . .

“The Congress party is truly secular – we want all terrorists to vote for us, regardless of whether they are Hindu, Muslim, Christian, Jew, Buddhist or from the Church of Diego Maradona.”, said Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. “Don't worry, inflation is under control. Fiscal deficit will be reduced. We are a judicious blend of industrial and agrarian economies.”, he replied, retiring to his comfort zone when queried on his government's plan to combat terrorism. He then quickly dialled Congress president Sonia Gandhi to verify the spelling of 'agrarian'.

“We will defend the country. We are always good at defense. Like all true Itali . .er . . . Indians!” said Prime Mini . . . .er . . . Congress President Sonia Gandhi. “Don't put me on the defensive. Or you'll be caught off side. Hey – did you realize that off side is a term common to cricket and football?”, she rambled, resorting to a stream of consciousness technique to avoid answering questions on intelligence failures and security flaws.

The usual regular Son of Bosey public members were unavailable for comment, as they were too busy being disgusted with politicians.Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy being too busy.

Oddly, President Pratibha Patil failed to issue a significant statement to reassure the people of India, as she apparently has no idea that she is the President. “Wasn't Abdul Kalam the president? Oh wait . . he was PM, no? The President is that nice young Black man who looks like Lewis Hamilton.”, she said, before shifting to make room on the presidential sofa for one of her relatives.

TV channels were unavailable for comment, as Barkha Dutt was too busy practicing weeping convincingly, Zakka Jacob was too busy exercising his jaw, Rajdeep Sardesai was too busy trying to keep his eyes and adam's apple from popping out of their respective sockets in excitement, and Prannoy Roy was too busy borrowing Brylcreem from Shivraj Patil.

Terrorists have been bewildered by this move from the parties. A spokesman for one of the groups asked “Votes? Us? We aren't even Indians. Why would our votes matter to the Congress or BJP? We appreciate all they have done for us, but unless they grant us citizenship and voting rights, we cannot possible vote for them.” This has resulted in the Congress party moving with unprecedented haste and efficiency in granting citizenship to all terrorists, paving the way for a larger vote bank. For once, the BJP has agreed with them, and not placed any roadblocks in the way of the process.

Vice President Hamid Ansari was unavailable for comment, as no one was able to prove that he actually exists.

At last report, a number of random politicians were seen 'inspecting' the affected areas, with a number of policemen, soldiers and commandos standing nearby, heroically resisting the temptation to bash their heads in. More's the pity.

Please note : Being a resident of Mumbai, new to the city, I am as horrified and angry at the events as any right minded human being would be. This post is a response in one of the voices I speak in - satire. I welcome comments that criticize and fuel debate, but will not publish anything I feel is retarded, hateful or ignorant nonsense. Thanks for reading Son of Bosey.