Monday, November 10, 2008

Ragi Malt manufacturers introduce ultra-expensive 'Ragi Single Malt' for true conoisseurs.

by Anand Ramachandran, who actually thinks Ragi Malt is kinda nice.

Ragi Malt lovers the world over have reason to rejoice. Several manufacturers of the health drink are introducing 'Ragi Single Malt' varieties aimed at the most affluent and posh of Ragi Malt consumers. “I came up with this idea so that even Ragi Malt drinkers can behave like those snooty single malt afficionados, looking down on the hoi polloi, and impressing women with their vast, deep and annoyingly detailed knowledge”, said R.S.Sambhandakothandasambhaveswharamurthypakesan, the inventor of Ragi Single Malt. “Now, if I could only come up with some way to shorten my name”, he signed off, expressing his envy of M.Vijay, Lucy Liu and T.R.

Despite the obvious attempt to package Ragi Single Malt as a premium product, some vestiges of the old school design practices are still obvious in the label design. Ricky Ponting wouldn't approve, being an evangelist and practitioner of new age practices.

“Aaaaahhhhhh.”, said well known whisky fan Koidy, temporarily setting aside his copy of Hellbrandt Grimm comics to savour the new drink. “Just one sip, and I can clearly visualize the fields of Thanjavur, where the field workers lovingly harvest the Ragi, and the womenfolk render lilting Kollangudi Karuppayee songs as the cows gaze lazily upon the coromandel sunset. Sigh.”, he whispered, behaving like some old scotsman from a single malt commercial, or a bullshitter at a dinner party.

Basically Ragi Single Malt is different from the normal Ragi Malt in that it is made using a needlessly meticulous process that involves hand-picking the finest Ragi from a single field only, not adding Ragi from any other field, not mixing it with Ragi Malt of any other kind, and claiming that the 'secret recipe' is hundreds of years old. When a reporter expressed the opinion that this seemed rather unnecessary and silly, a spokesman for the United Ragi Malt makers of India, Lithuania and Albania (URMILA) sneered and shot back “Obviously you people don't care about quality. Must be red-label drinkers. You probably spell it as 'whiskey'. You probably still play NFS and counter strike.”, quickly taking pot-shots at a wide range of n00bs.

“It's actually not that different from single malt whisky. Except that it's mildly pinkish-orange in colour. Except that it's good for your liver. Except that it isn't whisky.”, grinned renowned wildlife lensman S.U.Saravanakumar, drawing peals of laughter from teenaged girls worldwide.

Apparently, the new Ragi Single Malts will help tap a hitherto unexploited market for Ragi Malt manufacturers. “Thanks to upward mobility, many Ragi Malt buyers will aspire to a more premium product. Thanks to the financial meltdown, normal single malt buyers may prefer a cheaper product without losing out on brand value. Heh heh. We can't lose.”, sniggered a clever marketing expert, rubbing his hands together gleefully.

“What is all this nonsense? In our days we used to make Ragi Malt at home. Even the MDs of Simpson, Lucas-TVS and Binny Mills used to drink it. Now quick – everyone drink some Horlicks!”, barked a man named Ambi Mama sternly, immediately triggering meek obedience from everyone within a twelve mile radius. Once everyone had completed their Horlicks consumption duty, the old man miraculously produced a Jamakaalam and grumpily proceeded to take a nap.

“I added salt! To your Ragi Single Malt! Don't worry, it's not your fault! We'll assault Focault. With the sword of Tybalt. Quick, to the Renault!”, muttered a clueless copywriter, trying to come up with lyrics for the ad jingle. He was last seen sobbing in a corner when someone pointed out that Renault and Focault didn't rhyme with malt.

Interestingly, the makers of the popular drink Ragotine are apparently in a fix, since they haven't been able to come up with a viable brand name, having rejected 'Single-o-tine', 'Ragle-Malt' and 'Agsarcem'.

Ludwig van Beethoven, Nizhalgal Ravi to be playable characters in next 'Mortal Kombat' game.

In a bid to appeal to wider audiences, the developers of the violent 'Mortal Kombat' series of videogames are including a whole new roster of characters as playable fighters in the next edition of the popular franchise. Among the new characters that have been announced are legendary composers Ludwig Van Beethoven and Johann Sebastian Bach, Tamil film actor Nizhalgal Ravi, and scientist M.S.Swaminathan. “We've never really appealed to classical music listeners, tamil film fans, or the scientific community. So we're hoping that the new additions will help these people enjoy the over-the-top violence and gore that the MK series has always been known for.”, said a man dressed up as Liu Kang. The new moves list also looks impressive. J.S.Bach will annihilate his opponents by starting with a simple combo of kicks and punches, and then applying the same pattern over and over again with increasing complexity and counterpoint. Nizhalgal Ravi's fatality will be a performance of his 'Tension Dance' from 'My Dear Marthandan', and he will use his uncanny resemblance to Atul Wassan to throw off opponents. M.S.Swaminathan's brutality move consists of a deadly mixture of fertilizers, manure and quadratic equations. Actor Prabhu will fight without even looking at his foes. The game, titled 'Mortal Kombat : Klassikal, Koromandel and Kalkulating” is slated for release next year.

In related news, Rockstar Games is trying to appeal to Indian audiences by including Vividh Bharathi and Madras B as radio stations in GTA V. “We hear that Madras B had western music. So it should work well in GTA”, said a spokesman for the company. Stay 'tuned' for more updates. Heh heh.