Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Journalists delighted with cheesy headline possibilities offered by Bolt's 100m win.

by Anand Ramachandran, whose puns often reach olympian levels of cringeworthiness.

Headline writers all over the world have rejoiced at Jamaican Usain Bolt's sensational record-breaking victory at the Beijing Olympics, since it has given tham a great opportunity to come up with a range of cheesy, cringe-inducing headlines like never before.

“Hooray!”, yelled a spokesman for the Times of India, which managed to squeeze in 'Lightning Bolt' and 'Bolt and the Beautiful' in the same issue. “After John Wright left India, we've been dying for an opportunity like this!”, said a representative of The Hindu, which came up with the awfully clever 'Lightning Bolt' pun as well. “We haven't had this much fun since those idiotic Cash/Cheque puns we did during the Lendl vs. Cash Wimbledon final in 1987”, said the Indian Express guy who had the same 'Usain Bolts' idea as the hacks from the Hindustan Times.

“Journalists love it when they get a chance to make the obvious bad pun”, opined leading language specialist Nandini Reddy “ Why can't they be creative and make up better ones like 'Nuts about Bolt' or 'High-Boltage performance' ?”, she asked, more than a little sheepishly.

The ultimate sprinter? A combination of Michael Johnson and Usain Bolt may just give us the answer!

“A combination of Usain Bolt and Michael Johnson would make the ultimate sprinter – Michael Bolton! Heh heh! ”, grinned wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, thrilled at being given a chance to display his trademark wit. “Imagine him running full tilt, his long hair trailing behind him!”, added well-known musician Maarten Visser, showing that he wasn't a true Bolton fan, in which case he'd have known that the singer cut off his long locks more than a decade ago.

“I'm just glad that these idiots now have someone else's name to make silly jokes about”, said former India cricket coach John Wright. “I was getting tired of all these blade 'Wright choice', 'Wright decision', 'Exit stage Wright' nonsense in all the papers!”, he said, pronouncing the word 'blade' in a hilarious, New Zealand way, before hurriedly heading off to the nearest John.

“The two-spooned cuckoo is well rested before a half baked sunrise!”, yelled a hyperexcited Navjyot Singh Sidhu, looking around hopefully for a few laughs. “Hmmm . . maybe I should change my name to Nav-Joke ! ”, he pondered, smiling to himself.

Lu Yong, wightlifting gold medallist at the ongoing Beijing Olympics, said “Thanks to Mr.Bolt, other athletes like myself have been spared the poor humour of these journalists.” “What luck , to have avoided silly puns such as 'Yong and restless' or 'Yong-ster'!”, he added, before hurriedly heading off to the nearest Lu.

This sudden punning epidemic has apparently spread like wildfire, causing several leading laboratories to study the phenomenon to search for a cure. Scientists at the New Orleans and Pennsylvania University of Nonsense (N.O.P.U.N.) are reportedly on the point of finding a cure. “ It's only a question of analyzing the body fluids, and isolating the relevant humour.”, said a young intern, before realising what he had just said and running screaming back into the lab.

Meanwhile, the pun storm shown no signs of abating. Among the ones being currently considered by major sportswriters are “ Cricket administrators show perfect twenty-twenty vision”, “ Federer loses some of the time, but Nadal of the time”, and “To succeed against Lankan spinners, Dravid will have to Mendis ways at the crease”.