Tuesday, August 26, 2008

World doping olympics bans three participants for indulging in weightlifting!

by Anand Ramachandran, who is trying very hard to stifle a giggling fit. Not.

In a stunning turnaround that cocks a snook at the Olympic movement, the World Drug Use Olympics (popularly known as the dopalympics) has ejected three participants for indulging in the activity of weightlifting, which is apparently not allowed under the dopalympic charter.

'Winners don't lift weights' says three time world Dopalympic gold medallist known only as Rasta Roach. Having retired after the 2008 games, he is widely tipped to be appointed as the national team coach by the Board for Cannabis Consumption in India (BCCI).

“Just like how doping is illegal in weightlifting events, weightlifting is illegal during doping events. It's really quite simple. We will weed out the problem at the grassroots. Tee Hee. ”, said a strangely delighted looking spokesman for the anti-weightlifting agency, DAWA (Dopers Against Weightlifting Activity).

Apparently, two Jamaicans and one Bulgarian participant have tested positive for weightlifting at the doping games. Answering a query on how one would 'test positive' for something like weightlifting, the spokesman clarified “You can make out, actually. If you look at their biceps long enough, they start to resemble crayon renderings of Mr.Toad. Or the Swiss Alps. Or really pretty poppy fields. Or the late Shri. Kalpanath Rai. Hee hee hee hee . . . “, he trailed off.

“Activities like Weightlifting go against the very spirit of the dopalympics, and will not be tolerated. Weighlifting cheats have no place amongst pure, honest drug users.”, barked a stern looking Dopalympics official addressing a press conference. “Oh, look! A chocky-bickie! Sweeeeeeeet!”, he added., before asking the reporters present “Who the hell are you guys? Where's Louie? Louie? ” and looking around frantically.

The athletes have, of course, appealed the decision. The Bulgarian, Glazedei Mildkoff, has claimed that he had no idea that he was indulging in weightlifting. “It was without my knowledge! My doctor told me it was a cold remedy! I'm innocent!”, he said. Shortly thereafter, he was spotted at his B-sample test, where a group of strange individuals were staring at his other bicep, tapping each other on the shoulders and snickering. The two Jamaicans have issued a joint press release that simply read “This is a joint press release. Heh. Joint. ”

Some of the banned substances under the Dopalympic charter, on display at the DAWA headquearters (not in picture).

This has left the Indian Weightlifting Federation in a quandary, as they can now no longer participate in either event. “Shit! Now we'll be banned from the Olympics for doping, and banned from the Dopalympics for weightlifting! Maybe we should take up cycling! No, wait . . . “, said a spokesman for the IWF, whose name might have been Jhadav. Or perhaps Sinha.

“I think it's harsh. Just because doping is illegal during weightlifting, it not necessary for weitghlifting to be illegal during doping. Just like how you can eat Pongal on Diwali, but you can't eat Diwali on Pongal.”, said wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, with a classic wink.

“Yeah, or how you can roam in Mylapore, but you can't Mylapore in Rome!”, added an excited Vishwanathan Srinivasan, giggling in a manner suspiciously similar to the DAWA spokesman mentioned earlier.

While the Bulgarian and Jamaican press have, understandably, called for leniency, the Dopalympic authorities remained unmoved. “We have no place for cheats. We're the premier competition in the world featuring professional dopers.”, said Dick Pound, who recently took over as the Dopalympic chief. “Er . . other than the Tour De France, of course.”, he added sheepishly.

“Wait – Sonia Gandhi can Sing, But Manmohan Singh can't Gandhi!”, added a gleeful looking Jai Shankar Iyer, expanding the scope of the wordplay just a little.

“Hahaha, good one! Sean Connery can Pierce Brosnan, but Pierce Brosnan can't Sean Connery! Wait, even better – Roger Moore can Pierce Brosnan, and . . . “, said Nishraj Gurung, before being buried by an avlanche of thrown pillows.

“Hey, I've got one! Superman can Bat, but Batman can't Super! Oh – and Green Lantern can Flash, but Flash can't Green Lantern! Hey – another one – Plastic Man can wonder, but Wonder Woman can't Plastic! ”, said P.C.Vikram, digging into his vast repertoire of JLA knowledge. He spent the next three hours trying to work out something for Martian Manhunter and Aquaman, but failed to come up with anything funny.

“Oh no, look what I've started off!”, said wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, breaking tradition and appearing twice in the same article.

Oh, wait! Wasn't this article supposed to be about some weightlifting based stuff? Oh. Yeah. Right. Sorry. Heh heh.

While the controversy rages on, there have been calls from some quarters to solve the problem by legalizing weightlfiting. Like how it's legal in Amsterdam. Watch this space.


Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

You mean . . We're just not as funny as we used to be? Just like MAD!!! Hooray - a lifelong dream!!!

Heh - you just sharply noticed our editorial policy of writing a lot of crap articles, so that our half-decent ones seem brilliant by comparison! Damn you - have to come up with something else now ;)

Anonymous said...

Hahaha... quite funny in itself for the wordplay used, but I agree with the previous commenter that the concept could have been developed more.

Anonymous said...

Bosey rocks. Period.

Swing on, Bosey!

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

K - I'm sure you meant Bosey rocks periodically!

The article is in fact written by, of and for a certain audience type! And no - I don't mean those with bad taste in humour! That's just the writers!!

Mahadevan said...

'Yuvaraj Singh dissappears from a dingy discotheque, to play Cricket. Barred from dancing with dames for two months, notwithstanding his ducks', a morninger at Moholi mourns.

Anonymous said...

Green Lantern can Flash, but Flash can't Green Lantern

I'm not easily amused and I lol'd.
The concept, images and material are quality just like every other post.
You haven't JTSed.

aandthirtyeights said...

You forgot the oldest one - "A mosquito can fly, but a fly cant mosquito."

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

thirtyeights - forgot? er, no. I didn't forget - just left it out.

Seeing as how everyone thinks this article is sucky and all that - that was a wise move, don't you think!

Anonymous said...

I didn't think the article was sucky. :-)

Actually I really like this concept, and reading it the second time, the humour kind of grows on one.

The Mudd said...

One more : Grohl can be Curt but Cobain cannot be Dave... ever !

Sylvester Stallone can Judge Dredd but...

Usain Bolt can break his Carl, but Carl Lewis cannot break his Bolt ( Twisted !)

Great post man / twin sister

Gorfus Horribulus said...

You can eat naarthangai in south india, but you can't eat southangai in north india... heh

Anand Ramachandran said...

ceylon - southangai sounds obscene for some reason. Ugh.

silverine said...

This was awesome! Brilliant concept and hilarious!! :)

Unknown said...

loved it!