Friday, December 26, 2008

Man throws DVD of 'Drona' at Dr.Manmohan Singh during press conference, admits he did it to boost miserable sales!

by Anand Ramachandran, who is very, very sorry about the previous 'Digvijay Singh' post.

In a bizarre copycat incident of the now-famous Bush shoe-throwing incident, an unidentified man threw a copy of the DVD version of the recent Abhishek Bachchan dud 'Drona' at Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh at a recent press conference, stunning the PM and his security guards.

The man, who was immediately overpowered and arrested by security forces, later confessed to police that he did it in order to boost the DVD sales of the miserable flop film. “I am told that the model that was thrown at Bush has been in great demand since the shoe-throwing incident. I thought his would be a great way to create at least some demand for this ridiculous film that I've been saddled with marketing.”, he said gloomily. Apparently, the as-yet unnamed man is an employee with Eros entertainment, the producers of Drona.

The thrown DVD of Drona whizzes past the head of Dr.Manmohan Singh and thuds into a random foreign dignitary, not the first time that the movie has completely missed its mark.

Dr.Singh himself has reacted with great composure, saying “I'm a bit disappointed, but not shocked. I've already seen Drona, and thought it was silly and dull. I'd have much preferred a copy of Gears of War 2.”, revealing a hitherto unknown facet of his personality.

U.S. President George W.Bush has reportedly called up the PMO to express his solidarity and support. According to an official press release, President Bush said “I stand with Dr.Singh during this difficult time, and completely agree that Gears of War 2 would have been a far better option.”

Congress President Mrs. Sonia Gandhi presents an obviously delighted Dr.Singh with a copy of Gears of War 2.

The unexpected and shocking incident, following so close on the heels of Bush's 'goodbye kiss' in Iraq, has created shockwaves across India.

“I don't understand why Dr.Singh keeps harping on some irrelevant nonsense about Gears of War 2 being a better thing to get beaned with. He needs to realize that Gears of War 2 has sold millions of copies, so it needs no help.”, said gaming industry analyst Vinay Nilakantan. “However, it would help if someone threw a copy of Need for Speed Undercover at Obama one of these days, to revive the flagging fortunes of the franchise.”, he added.

“The last thing this country needs is people disrespecting the PM by chucking random DVDs of Bollywood flops at him. But look at the bright side, at least those bulky U-Matic tapes are no longer in circulation.”, winked renowned wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, displaying his keen knowledge of trends in the magnetic storage media industry.

“In this hour of great national crisis, a great majority of Indians are asking one important question. The nation wants to know. So can somebody in a position of responsibility pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease give an answer? What the heck is Gears of War 2?” wheezed an impossibly earnest looking Barkha Dutt, managing to be breathless and clueless at the same time.

The idea, however, has sparked the imaginations of marketing boffins all over the nation, giving them a great new way to publicize their overpriced, useless and uninteresting products, which no one wants to buy. If the marketing grapevine is to be believed, there are plans to throw a Worldspace radio at Mayawati, a copy of Deccan Chronicle at Ashok Gehlot, and, strangely, an old Motorola pager at Farooq Abdullah. The makers of electric car Reva, when asked if they were considering the tactic, replied “Damn! Foiled again! Though the Reva is light by normal car standards, it is still impossible to fling it far enough to reach a target such as H.D.Kumaraswamy or M.K.Stalin with any considerable velocity. Maybe we should have stuck to making transistors! ”

In related news, a man was arrested in California after throwing a copy of 'Need for Speed Undercover' at Gears of War 2 creator Clifford Bleszinski, in a desperate attempt to revive the flagging fortunes of the franchise.

“I really dig Vijay Singh.” - Digvijay Singh

Former Madhya Pradesh chief minister Digvijay Singh has revealed that he is a major fan of golfer Vijay Singh. “Myself Digvijay Singh. I dig Vijay Singh.”, he said, confusing the crap out of the foreign journalists gathered for a party at his residence.

“Digvijay Singh did dig Vijay Singh, but did Vijay Singh dig Digvijay Singh?, asked a wag, tongue firmly in cheek, which makes the achievement even more significant.

“What if Vijay Singh dug Digvijay Singh more than Digvijay Singh dug Vijay Singh?”, asked a wit.

“Wait . . here's another! Digvijay Singh dug Vijay Singh, but the dug Vijay Singh didn't dig Digvijay Singh because he only dug Dig-Dug!” chimed in a clown, showing off his knowledge of old coin-op classics.

The party wrapped up shortly after that, due to an outbreak of twisted tongues.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Anil Kapoor to play Mario in new Super Mario Bros Movie!

Following the success of Danny Boyle's Slumdog Millionaire, Bollywood actor Anil Kapoor has bagged the plum role of Nintendo's world-famous videogame hero Mario in the upcoming Super Mario Bros movie. “What can I say? He's a perfect fit! That moustache! Those cheeks! The ability to perform digitally enhanced stunts! The love of mushrooms. . er . .scratch the last one.”, said Sankalesh Jimmy, the casting director for the film.

“I'm delighted to be playing a plumber, many years after playing a mechanic in Laadla almost fifteen years ago.” said a nostalgic Kapoor. “After all, Indian actors are old hands at playing plumbers, mechanics, carpenters and drivers who can perform acrobatic leaps wearing gaudy clothes, and defeat hundreds of weird bad guys in order to finally get the girl!”, he quipped. He was also reportedly working very hard to get the pronunciation exactly right for phrases such as “Koopa Troopa”, “Petey Piranha”, and “Itsa meeeee! Maaarioh!”.

In related news, a new film about India's new ball bowlers will apparently feature Zayed Khan as Ishant Sharma and Irrfan Khan as Mohinder Amarnath (Whaaaat??!! Of course Jimmy Pa was a new ball bowler. Look it up.)

Wikipedia to release Print version.

World renowned online encyclopaedia Wikipedia has surprised its fans by announcing that they will soon be releasing a print version of their immensely popular and respected resource. “We fell that a print version would help Wikipedia reach a far wider audience, so that we can see a sharp increase in profits, as well as in the number of school and college projects worldwide that are direct rip-offs from one of our entries.”, said a spokesman for the Wikipedia foundation.

Predictably, a large number of people have questioned the move, saying that it is against the very idea of Wikipedia – which is a community-built resource that is constantly evolving and correcting itself to include the latest items of global importance – such as Sam Anderson, Extreme Ironing and the beard-care regimen of ZZtop.

There have been some problems with the edition, however. Since the print version is simply a reproduction of most of Wikipedia's pages as they were when the printing plates were made, inaccuracies and errors have crept it. For instance, the entry for 'Nintendo' simply reads “NINTENDO SUCKS. - BY DA PS3 FANBOYZ!!”, the entry for 'Britney Spears' begins with “I am a really nice girl and a very good dancer and I love cakes . . .” and reads entirely in first person, and the entry for G.S.Pradeep makes him seem far more famous and important than he really is.

However, the move has had some unexpected repercussions – several people have actually decided to give the book a pass, and are waiting for the inevitable movie release. “Wikipedia – The Movie” is expected to hit theatres worldwide in 2010, and will feature a sincere-looking Edward Norton reading out many of its most popular pages aloud for the benefit of the audience. P.C.Ramakrishna is looking forward to its release.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Fearing SIMI ban, Simi Garewal contemplates name change.

On hearing that the Government of India was going to toughen its stand on the controversial Islamic student organisation SIMI, actress Simi Garewal is reportedly looking to change her name. “Shite”, said the former star “They're going to ban Simi. This is crappy. Now I'll have to change my name to something less controversial. Maybe I'll go with RSS Garewal. Or BCCI Garewal. Or even VHP Garewal. Damn – all those sound like army-based Sardarjis who participate in Equestrian events. Waaaaaah!” she wailed in despair. She also strongly objected to being referred to as 'former star' in the previous sentence.

In related news, the yesteryears star (hahaha – see how resourceful we are - editor.) also planned to finally abandon her trademark white clothes, since she had heard that the Government had plans to 'ban the SIMI outfit'.

Ram Gopal Verma unexpectedly 'drops in' on Obama speech, Simpsons episode.

Film director Ram Gopal Verma surprised international media when he unexpectedly popped up at several unconnected events that had nothing whatsoever to do with him, including an address by US president elect Barack Obama, a closed-door session of the BCCI to discuss the pakistan tour, and an episode of the Simpsons. “I don't understand what the big deal is. I just happened to be passing by at each of these occasions, and randomly decided to drop in. Any one would have done the same.”, said an agitated Verma, in response to widespread bewilderment at his sudden ubiquity. He also dismissed speculation that he had the power to be in several places at the same time, saying “What nonsense. Who do you think I am? P.James?”

Rumour has it that RGV is also planning to 'randomly drop in' at several future events such as India's first manned space mission, the next AGM of the State Bank of India, and Pope Benedict's medical check-up. Strangely, he has said that he has no plans to attend screenings of any of his forthcoming films, since he doesn't like large, empty spaces.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Congress, BJP looking to consolidate terrorist vote bank.

by Anand Ramachandran, who is being very, very serious.

In the wake of Mumbai's darkest hour, politicians from the Congress and the BJP are showing admirable focus and dedication by striving to consolidate their polictical positions among the hitherto untapped vote bank comprising global terrorists and terror groups.

“You can't deny it – terrorists and their sympathisers are also valuable votes. Heh heh – and as any politician knows, a vote is a vote is a . . er . . vote.”, said a grinning Narendra Modi, simultaneously looking around for any nearby terrorists he could canvas to.

Home Minister Shivraj Patil, nattily attired as usual, poses for cameras before hurriedly leaving the scene to attend 'meetings' to discuss 'long-term strategies' to combat and prevent the terrorist attacks that occured on the 26th of November in Mumbai.

“I'm sure all terrorists will vote for us. After all, we have provided them with all facilities – retarded Intelligence, a coastline full of holes, a home ministry headed by a Doofus. What more can they ask for?” said Union Home Minister Shivraj Patil, suddenly sitting down due to the immense physical strain of speaking three full sentences. “Gasp. Gasp. Wheeze.”, he added, before leaving to apply Brylcreem on his hair.

“Not a chance. Every discerning terrorist knows that the BJP has been working for their betterment for the longest time. Even know, we are busy rousing rabble, starting the blame game, and generally preventing everyone from focusing on the job at hand.” said BJP supremo L.K.Advani, holding a nearby railing for support, reeling from the immense physical strain of speaking three full sentences. “Wheeze. Gasp. Wheeze.”, he added, before leaving to apply Brylcreem on his . . er . .ah . . no, wait. Moustache. That's it. Moustache. Right, on with it.

This model from a commercial for Brylcreem looks uncannily like Home Minister Shivraj Patil, except that he seems to show absolutely no concern for the recent horrors in Mumbai. No, wait . . .

“The Congress party is truly secular – we want all terrorists to vote for us, regardless of whether they are Hindu, Muslim, Christian, Jew, Buddhist or from the Church of Diego Maradona.”, said Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. “Don't worry, inflation is under control. Fiscal deficit will be reduced. We are a judicious blend of industrial and agrarian economies.”, he replied, retiring to his comfort zone when queried on his government's plan to combat terrorism. He then quickly dialled Congress president Sonia Gandhi to verify the spelling of 'agrarian'.

“We will defend the country. We are always good at defense. Like all true Itali . .er . . . Indians!” said Prime Mini . . . .er . . . Congress President Sonia Gandhi. “Don't put me on the defensive. Or you'll be caught off side. Hey – did you realize that off side is a term common to cricket and football?”, she rambled, resorting to a stream of consciousness technique to avoid answering questions on intelligence failures and security flaws.

The usual regular Son of Bosey public members were unavailable for comment, as they were too busy being disgusted with politicians.Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy being too busy.

Oddly, President Pratibha Patil failed to issue a significant statement to reassure the people of India, as she apparently has no idea that she is the President. “Wasn't Abdul Kalam the president? Oh wait . . he was PM, no? The President is that nice young Black man who looks like Lewis Hamilton.”, she said, before shifting to make room on the presidential sofa for one of her relatives.

TV channels were unavailable for comment, as Barkha Dutt was too busy practicing weeping convincingly, Zakka Jacob was too busy exercising his jaw, Rajdeep Sardesai was too busy trying to keep his eyes and adam's apple from popping out of their respective sockets in excitement, and Prannoy Roy was too busy borrowing Brylcreem from Shivraj Patil.

Terrorists have been bewildered by this move from the parties. A spokesman for one of the groups asked “Votes? Us? We aren't even Indians. Why would our votes matter to the Congress or BJP? We appreciate all they have done for us, but unless they grant us citizenship and voting rights, we cannot possible vote for them.” This has resulted in the Congress party moving with unprecedented haste and efficiency in granting citizenship to all terrorists, paving the way for a larger vote bank. For once, the BJP has agreed with them, and not placed any roadblocks in the way of the process.

Vice President Hamid Ansari was unavailable for comment, as no one was able to prove that he actually exists.

At last report, a number of random politicians were seen 'inspecting' the affected areas, with a number of policemen, soldiers and commandos standing nearby, heroically resisting the temptation to bash their heads in. More's the pity.

Please note : Being a resident of Mumbai, new to the city, I am as horrified and angry at the events as any right minded human being would be. This post is a response in one of the voices I speak in - satire. I welcome comments that criticize and fuel debate, but will not publish anything I feel is retarded, hateful or ignorant nonsense. Thanks for reading Son of Bosey.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

The Archives : The original now available

Actually, they always were, as a nice unobtrusive link tucked away on the sidebar.

But it occured to me that many newer readers may be interested in taking a look at the original site that was the precursor to Son of Bosey.

Cleverly called '' so that its name would exactly match the URL, the site actually was kinda popular, gaining something of a cult following, back in the day. We were just doing it for kicks, but it excited us no end to see e-mails pouring in form random strangers all over the world, and to see the material get mentioned in the mainstream press.

Those were crazy times, as the many who were involved will probably remember, and it was a terrific experience for many of us as we scrambled to get enough material together to update - usually very drunk, usually in just one night. And Praveen would convert everything into a PDF, for some reason.

Do check the material out. Looking at it now, it actually seems a lot more versatile than the current stuff. Hmmmmm. And let us know your thoughts - perhaps we should re-publish some old faves (and save ourselves some work) ?

Visit the bosey archives.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Hindu prints headline that says “Hindu prints headline”.

In an unexpected and innovative move that completely destroys the newspaper's reputation for being uninspired and boring, The Hindu today stunned its readers by printing a headline that simply said “HINDU prints this headline.” This makes it the first newspaper to ever print a completely self-referential item, opening up many future possibilities for the emerging art of recursive journalism.

Tha body of the article goes on to describe in detail the process that was used to print the headline, along with views and opinions on the inks, dot gain, and newsprint quality of the paper in general. “That ought to show our crummy readers. They want innovation? Let them eat this!”, said Hindu editor N.Ram, looking disturbingly like Marie Antoinette. “Muhahahahahahahahahahahaharrrrf-kafff-kaffff-arrrr!” he added, his attempt at an evil laugh being rather comically ended by the onset of a coughing fit.

Apparently, the headline can about when a reporter, under time pressure, began humming “ Need a headline. Gotta meet my deadline. Or it's the end of the bread line. Hey! That rhymes with 'thin red line'.”, falling prey to the mysterious sudden-rap-bug that seems to be infesting Son of Bosey of late.

According to editor Ram, plans for future articles include items like “Hindu prints article about Dhoni”, “Hindu prints classifieds”, and “Hindu continues to innovate by printing article on how it continues to innovate by printing article on how it continues to innovate.” Reports that The Hindu is becoming self-aware and sentient, are, however, baseless. We hope.

'Local Warming' scientists feel left out, ignored.

While Global Warming has rightly been recognized as an issue of worldwide importance, scientists who have been warning people about the relatively lesser known phenomenon called 'Local Warming' are upset that they haven't been given their due. “Idiots. Fools. If we carry on like this, we run the risk of areas like T.Nagar, Abbotsbury and Kalakshetra Colony being completely submerged by the melting of nearby ice caps (refer photo). And we'll all be atop Annanagar tower, saying 'We told you so'!”, said a scientist representing Hardcore Association of Local Warming Activists (HALWA). Apparently, Annanagar is safe from a similar fate, because “You get everything in Annanagar itself. It's completely self-sufficient.”

“It isn't fair. These annoying 'Global Warming' snobs get films made by the likes of Al Gore and Edward Norton. And us? Even R.V.Ramani hasn't given us a call. No Michael Muthu play. No David Pascal charity concert. Zilch. Nada. The big empty.”, said another HALWA representative, foolishly refusing to pick up a call from noted theatre personality Kaveri Lalchand. “Perhaps we'd be better off positioning it as 'Glocal Warming'.”, he pondered, looknig greedily at some corporate looking guys in the vicinity.

However, according to sources, even HALWA seems better off than the plight of researchers working on the obscure phenomenon of “Gokul Warming”, where everyone named Gokul would eventually be submerged by the melting of nearby ice caps.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Ragi Malt manufacturers introduce ultra-expensive 'Ragi Single Malt' for true conoisseurs.

by Anand Ramachandran, who actually thinks Ragi Malt is kinda nice.

Ragi Malt lovers the world over have reason to rejoice. Several manufacturers of the health drink are introducing 'Ragi Single Malt' varieties aimed at the most affluent and posh of Ragi Malt consumers. “I came up with this idea so that even Ragi Malt drinkers can behave like those snooty single malt afficionados, looking down on the hoi polloi, and impressing women with their vast, deep and annoyingly detailed knowledge”, said R.S.Sambhandakothandasambhaveswharamurthypakesan, the inventor of Ragi Single Malt. “Now, if I could only come up with some way to shorten my name”, he signed off, expressing his envy of M.Vijay, Lucy Liu and T.R.

Despite the obvious attempt to package Ragi Single Malt as a premium product, some vestiges of the old school design practices are still obvious in the label design. Ricky Ponting wouldn't approve, being an evangelist and practitioner of new age practices.

“Aaaaahhhhhh.”, said well known whisky fan Koidy, temporarily setting aside his copy of Hellbrandt Grimm comics to savour the new drink. “Just one sip, and I can clearly visualize the fields of Thanjavur, where the field workers lovingly harvest the Ragi, and the womenfolk render lilting Kollangudi Karuppayee songs as the cows gaze lazily upon the coromandel sunset. Sigh.”, he whispered, behaving like some old scotsman from a single malt commercial, or a bullshitter at a dinner party.

Basically Ragi Single Malt is different from the normal Ragi Malt in that it is made using a needlessly meticulous process that involves hand-picking the finest Ragi from a single field only, not adding Ragi from any other field, not mixing it with Ragi Malt of any other kind, and claiming that the 'secret recipe' is hundreds of years old. When a reporter expressed the opinion that this seemed rather unnecessary and silly, a spokesman for the United Ragi Malt makers of India, Lithuania and Albania (URMILA) sneered and shot back “Obviously you people don't care about quality. Must be red-label drinkers. You probably spell it as 'whiskey'. You probably still play NFS and counter strike.”, quickly taking pot-shots at a wide range of n00bs.

“It's actually not that different from single malt whisky. Except that it's mildly pinkish-orange in colour. Except that it's good for your liver. Except that it isn't whisky.”, grinned renowned wildlife lensman S.U.Saravanakumar, drawing peals of laughter from teenaged girls worldwide.

Apparently, the new Ragi Single Malts will help tap a hitherto unexploited market for Ragi Malt manufacturers. “Thanks to upward mobility, many Ragi Malt buyers will aspire to a more premium product. Thanks to the financial meltdown, normal single malt buyers may prefer a cheaper product without losing out on brand value. Heh heh. We can't lose.”, sniggered a clever marketing expert, rubbing his hands together gleefully.

“What is all this nonsense? In our days we used to make Ragi Malt at home. Even the MDs of Simpson, Lucas-TVS and Binny Mills used to drink it. Now quick – everyone drink some Horlicks!”, barked a man named Ambi Mama sternly, immediately triggering meek obedience from everyone within a twelve mile radius. Once everyone had completed their Horlicks consumption duty, the old man miraculously produced a Jamakaalam and grumpily proceeded to take a nap.

“I added salt! To your Ragi Single Malt! Don't worry, it's not your fault! We'll assault Focault. With the sword of Tybalt. Quick, to the Renault!”, muttered a clueless copywriter, trying to come up with lyrics for the ad jingle. He was last seen sobbing in a corner when someone pointed out that Renault and Focault didn't rhyme with malt.

Interestingly, the makers of the popular drink Ragotine are apparently in a fix, since they haven't been able to come up with a viable brand name, having rejected 'Single-o-tine', 'Ragle-Malt' and 'Agsarcem'.

Ludwig van Beethoven, Nizhalgal Ravi to be playable characters in next 'Mortal Kombat' game.

In a bid to appeal to wider audiences, the developers of the violent 'Mortal Kombat' series of videogames are including a whole new roster of characters as playable fighters in the next edition of the popular franchise. Among the new characters that have been announced are legendary composers Ludwig Van Beethoven and Johann Sebastian Bach, Tamil film actor Nizhalgal Ravi, and scientist M.S.Swaminathan. “We've never really appealed to classical music listeners, tamil film fans, or the scientific community. So we're hoping that the new additions will help these people enjoy the over-the-top violence and gore that the MK series has always been known for.”, said a man dressed up as Liu Kang. The new moves list also looks impressive. J.S.Bach will annihilate his opponents by starting with a simple combo of kicks and punches, and then applying the same pattern over and over again with increasing complexity and counterpoint. Nizhalgal Ravi's fatality will be a performance of his 'Tension Dance' from 'My Dear Marthandan', and he will use his uncanny resemblance to Atul Wassan to throw off opponents. M.S.Swaminathan's brutality move consists of a deadly mixture of fertilizers, manure and quadratic equations. Actor Prabhu will fight without even looking at his foes. The game, titled 'Mortal Kombat : Klassikal, Koromandel and Kalkulating” is slated for release next year.

In related news, Rockstar Games is trying to appeal to Indian audiences by including Vividh Bharathi and Madras B as radio stations in GTA V. “We hear that Madras B had western music. So it should work well in GTA”, said a spokesman for the company. Stay 'tuned' for more updates. Heh heh.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Thousands of clueless Indians delighted with Obama's win.

Thousands of random Indians, who have absolutely no knowledge of Barack Obama's policies, views or track record, are enthusiastically celebrating his victory in the U.S. presidential election.

“Yay! Obama wins! He's much better than McCain!”, exclaimed a strangely delighted K.S.Priya, a student of some random college somewhere, doubtless drawing from her rich and deep research on the political histories of both candidates. “Now, things will surely get better for India. Obama will see to that.”, said a smug-looking Mathew Kurian (or something like that), forgetting that Mr.Obama has been elected president of the United States, and not of India. “Hooray, it's great to have him as President! He looks just like Lewis Hamilton!”, grinned an excited Sankalesh Jimmy, pointing out one of Mr.Obama's lesser known strong points.

Apparently, Mr.Obama's huge popularity in India stems from his nice smile, pleasant looks, and his general dissimilarity to George W.Bush. “Foreign Policy? Plan for the economy? Worldview? Who cares? He's not white, we're not white, so he's on our side!”, said a surprisingly honest young woman (since we stopped caring about names about a paragraph ago).

However, the celebrations are certainly not unanimous. “McCain should have won. Now outsourcing will get pwned.”, said a worried looking BPO employee, reading from his process manual. “Obama's all talk. McCain is the real deal. I supported McCain.”, said another muscular young gent, looking around to see if anyone (especially women) started perceiving him as 'cool', 'different' and 'independent minded'.

Things are expected to return to normal within a few days, when people eventually tire of pretending to be informed about international politics and return to watching boneheaded celebrities making fools of themselves on television.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

'Country Club' chairman Rajeev Reddy diagnosed with bizarre 'Thumbs-Up' paralysis.

by Anand Ramachandran, who believes that Rajeev Reddy deserves a full-length post.

The cherubic, cheerful and charismatic chairman of 'Country Club', Y.Rajeev Reddy has been diagnosed with a strange medical condition that 'paralyses' his right arm in his trademark 'thumbs-up' position. Contrary to popular belief, Mr.Reddy doesn't just strike the pose at the drop of a hat, but actually has no choice in the matter – his arm and thumb are locked in the position.

Rajeev Reddy, in obvious pain, manfully endures the dual agony of a paralyzed right arm and hanging out with Yana Gupta.

“Of course, it's true. What kind of idiot would randomly appear everywhere in the same cheesy pose out of his own free will?”, asked an irate Reddy, annoyed at the insinuation that he was merely trying to develop a 'style' of his own. “And before you ask . . . no, I'm not going to endorse Thums-Up.”, he barked irritably, before suddenly breaking into a grin, winking, and waving his permanent thumbs-up based hand at members of the public.

"Do you realize how hard it is for him to perform normal, everyday tasks like button up his suits, sign cheques, and play Call of Duty 4 on an XBOX controller? Leave him alone. Leave Mr.Reddy alone!", yelled Britney Spears, CHris Crocker and Seth Green in unison (not to be confused with the world-renowned medical imaging product from Manmar Technologies).

The revelation has not been received well by Reddy's legions of fans.

“This somehow isn't quite the same”, said a downcast Mansi Gandhi, a long time fan and aspiring member of Counry Club. “ The pose was so rakish. So dynamic. So macho. Now they're saying it was all a lie. I've been living a LIE!”, she sobbed uncontrollably.

“This won't do at all”, said Sankalesh Jimmy, who was planning to create a range of poseable action-figures of Mr.Reddy for the international and domestic markets. “What will happen to the thrill of buying a Rajeev Reddy action-figure, and then posing it in that unforgettable pose? Woe is us.”, he added rather dramatically, before setting off for China to discuss design changes with the manufacturers.

Some have reacted with disbelief, and have dismissed the news as rumours and hearsay propogated by Mr.Reddy's enemies.

“Rubbish. This is absurd. What will they tell us next, that Pluto isn't really a planet?”, said an unusually animated Jai Shankar Iyer, demonstrating his keen grasp on reality and current affairs.

“Certain things are sacrosanct. Like the bible, the theory of gravity, and Rajeev Reddy's trademark pose. They're not to be messed with”, said Nandini Reddy, no relation. This also marks the debut of the word 'sacrosanct' on Son of Bosey.

“Maybe it's a bit of both. Perhaps his hand got locked in to the position simply because of repeated use of the pose for long hours. It's possible. Plausible – not impossible. I'm irascible. Like a crucible.”, said wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, in a rare simultaneous display of balanced opinion and mean street rap rhyming skills.

The new campaign for the Country Club shows Mr.Reddy in his signature style, welcoming immigrants and locals alike to their United States property.

All this however, has hardly made a dent in the schedule of the irrepressible Mr.Reddy. He was last seen discussing a new advertising campaign depicting him as the Statue of Liberty, for launching Country Club properties in the United States.

Monday, October 27, 2008

After smoking ban, Anbumani Ramadoss goes after 'Passive Drinking'

After his widely publicized nationwide ban on smoking, health minister Anbumani Ramadoss has now decided to go after another so-called evil, 'Passive Drinking'. “Science has established that passive drinking is even more harmful than drinking, so we are calling for a complete ban on drinking in public places, such as parks, railway stations, pubs and bars.”, said Dr.Ramadoss, simultaneously demonstrating his compassionate nature by forcibly using his stethoscope on bemused bystanders.

When someone questioned the logic behind banning drinking from pubs and bars, the minister was quick with his reply. “ Because that's where it happens the most. What is the point of banning drinking in places like hospitals or places of worship, where it doesn't happen anyway?”, he asked, quite sensibly. “Hey, don't I look a bit like a young verion of that actor Suman?”, he asked suddenly, changing the subject with the dexterity of a practiced surgeon.

The minister also announced that the next initiative would be some sort of ban against those pesky people who claim to be 'high on life'.

BCCI officials forget about existence of New Zealand

In a development that is a disturbing reminder of the BCCI's increasingly insular and inward-looking attitude, many of its most senior officials have completely forgotten about New Zealand. In a recent meeting to discuss, among other things, bilateral ties with Sri Lanka, the upcoming T20 Champion's League and the participants of the England players in the IPL, not one mention was made of New Zealand in the entire three hours.

Things came to a head when Lalit Modi, the IPL commissioner, speaking on the state of test cricket, said “Meaningless test series, such as those between Australia and can safely be scrapped in favour of lucrative T20 matches. Players from will also benefit from such a move, since they can play in winning teams for a change.”, omitting the words 'New Zealand' completely from his statements.

When a member of the press tried to remind the BCCI officials about the country's existence, he was met with varied responses such as “Eh? What? Never heard of it.”, “ Oh yeah – that country that's near the edge of the map in RISK. Or was it Civilization IV?”, and “ You reporters are all the same. Next you'll be saying that there's a huge country called 'Canada' right next to the United States!”

New 'Oscars' for corporate films announced. P.C.Ramakrishna to get lifetime achievement.

In news sure to please movie buffs, the often ignored world of corporate films has been given a boost by the establishment of a 'Corporate Oscar Awards', that will reward creative and technical achievements in the field. “These films are true works of art, and deserve to be celebrated. How many other art forms can make thirty minutes seem like three years? Can mainstream cinema make you feel like your brain is being slowly, interminably shut down, one neuron at a time? Can videogames make random corporate guys feel like movie stars, albeit for a few minutes? Er . . I should stop now.”, said a sheepish looking Pravin Srinivasan, a noted corporate film critic.

Apart from the expected categories, Corporate Oscars will be awarded to some interesting ones such as 'Best use of Richard Clayderman or Yanni music”. “Best Gratuitous Power Point Special Effect”, and “Best Blurry JPEG Logo in a Film or Presentation”.

World-famous corporate film doyen, voice-over legend P.C.Ramakrishna will receive the first lifetime achievement award. “He is the Mel Blanc of corporate films. The Jose Carreras of Powerpoint. The Vader of voice-overs.”, gushed J.S.Iyer, the chairman of the jury. “This award is a recognition of PCR's stupendous achievement of making thousands of different corporate films sound exactly the same!”

In related news, an unnamed source is said to have spotted PCR on the ECR giving CPR to his VCR. More details on CNN.

Editor's note : This is the first post in a small experiment that is actually a sort of return to bosey's roots, if you will. Smaller, 'snippet' form pieces that will free me up to explore a far wider range of topics, more trivial stuff, 'local' news and things like that. Of late, every post has been a 'major headliner', and I'd like to return to some of the lighter, byte sized pieces as well. I will also continue to post longer articles when I feel like the idea is worthwhile. In the meanwhile, I hope you enjoy these snippets (and, as always, feel free to comment, suggest, criticize). Oh - and these will not feature S.U.Saravanakumar. He can only make time for the biggies.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Anticipating strong comeback, selectors pick Ganguly for England series, drop him again for New Zealand tour!

by Anand Ramachandran, who can't really think of a witty by-line for this post.

In yet another suprise move, the Indian selectors have picked Sourav Ganguly for the home series against England in December, saying that they anticipated that he would make a great comeback. Oddly, they have also dropped him for the tour to New Zealand in March next year, quoting 'poor fielding' and 'youth policy' as reasons.

“Why resist the inevitable? We have seen in the past that Sourav is anyway definitely going to make a stunning comeback. So instead of looking foolish when that happens, we have decided to pre-emptively pick him for the England series. Heh heh.” said chairman of selectors Dilip Vengsarkar, managing to sound idiotic yet extremely reasonable at the same time. Immediately thereafter, he followed up by saying “Sometimes you have to take hard decisions. Sourav is a great cricketer, but someone has to make way to blood youngsters. Also, fitness and fielding are a concern with him. So we are forced to leave him out of the side for New Zealand.” Vengsarkar finally left the press conference when he was heckled by a group of possibly inebriated fans who pointed at him and said “Look! There's Sunil Joshi!”

Inspired by Sathyaraj, Sourav Ganguly and CAB president Jagmohan Dalmiya turn out for the press conference with large 'pottus' on their foreheads. The bat did most of the talking.

Ganguly, when contacted, refused to react strongly, simply saying “I prefer to let my bat do the talking”. “Finally, a chance to show my eloquence!”, said his bat, before going on to add “ I am delighted to get a chance to play against England. I'm so happy, I'd show my nipples! If I had any, that is! Maybe I should borrow one from that bad guy in 'Man with the Golden Gun'!” before Ganguly wisely put it back into his kit bag.

On hearing the news, various cricketers and members of the public have responded in their own unique ways.

“As test captain, I am delighted to have a tried and tested player like Sourav in the team. I am sure he will be an asset, and his experience leading the side will definitely be a huge help to me in my captaincy.”, said Anil Kumble, looking around hopefully.

“As test captain, I am delighted to have a tried and tested player like Sourav in the team. I am sure he will be an asset, and his experience leading the side will definitely be a huge help to me in my captaincy.”, said M.S.Dhoni, with a confident grin on his face.

“Who says the selectors don't look to the future? Looks like the Colonel is keeping a tight Vigil on things! ” quipped Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, taking a short break from following up on the upcoming release of Diablo 3.

“Ganguly shouldn't have been dropped for New Zealand. His batting average of 46.2 for the England series was the second highest in the Indian team, and how can anyone forget his match-winning 122 in the first test ?”, said renowned quizzer Sumant Srivathsan, exhibiting his vast general knowledge even regarding events that have not yet occured. “And don't forget, Ganguly was instrumental in the Kolkata Knight Riders reaching the final of the IPL in 2009!”, he barked curtly, before disappearing suddenly when someone travelled back in time and prevented him from attending the conference.

Despite sharing the first three letters of his name with both of them, Vengsarkar's (centre) resemblance to Venkatesh (right) is far greater than his resemblance to Vengayasaambar (left).

Vengsarkar's press conference was beamed live on TV throughout the nation. “Eh? Why is Telugu actor Venkatesh speaking about team selection?”, asked a bewildered Tony Chacko.

Commentator Arun Lal, when asked for an opinion, simply said “Did you know that the Great Indian Bustard is found in the arid grasslands of India? It stands at about a metre tall, and mates during the month of May. An endangered species. Tsk, tsk. Ennnndannngerrred.”, shaking his head knowledgeably. “Hah. Who says that Son of Bosey has only one Wildlife Expert?”, he thought to himself, smirking.

In related news, a survey has revealed that an astonishing 93% of Tam-Brahm households had at least one uncle who humorously referred to Vengsarkar as 'Vengayasambaar'.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Crib It! : An Ode to Bollywood's 'Inspired' Finest!

by Anand Ramachandran, no stranger to plagiarism, alleged and otherwise!

Thanks to Bollywood stalwarts like Pritam and Sanjay Gupta, lots of us Indians have been exposed to great songs and movies from countries like Thailand, Iran and Korea which we otherwise would never even have heard of! Since we'd like to show our appreciation for the Modus Operandi of Mr.Pritam and Mr.Gupta, and since, like these stellar individuals, we have absolutely no originality, we thought we'd resort to cribbing from Michael Jackson's world famous hit, 'Beat It'.

Crib It! [Sing to the tune of 'Beat It!' by Michael Jackson]

They told me that they wanna hear a good song,

Needed it by Sunday, didn't have too long!

No time to compose, so turn the radio on

and Crib it!

Just Crib it!

Just heard a track that's been a hit in Thailand

No one over here will even know the band.

They'll never find out, so I'll do what I can

And Crib it.

Yeah they'll never find out . . .

So Crib It! Crib It! Crib It! Crib it!

Even Dr.Dre just did it

Steal a tune, baby, steal a whole song!

It doesn't matter, if it's right or wrong!

Just Crib It! Crib It!

Just Crib It! Crib It!

Just Crib It! Crib It!

Just Crib It! Crib It!

Need to make a film, I need to find a story!

Too bad that winning scripts don't really come for free.

Never mind all that crap, I'll just rent a DVD

And crib it. Just crib it.

Watch a bunch of films from North Korea, Iran

New Zealand, Poland, Togo and Afghanistan.

Throw in a few songs, and an actor named Khan!

We'll crib it!

Yeah they'll never find out . . .

So Crib It! Crib It! Crib It! Crib it!

If we're found out we'll fib it!

Watch a good movie, rip off a few scenes!

Even if it isn't clear what it means!

Just Crib It! Crib It!

Just Crib It! Crib It!

Just Crib It! Crib It!

Just Crib It! Crib It!

So Crib It! Crib It! Crib It! Crib it!

Plagiarism we'll exhibit !

Copy the music, copy the fights.

It doesn't matter, screw IP rights!

Just Crib It! Crib It! Crib It! Crib it!

Hope the public can forgive it!

Original ideas, we have got none!

We just lack basic imagination!

So Crib It! Crib It! Crib It! Crib it!

Rip off just a little tidbit!

Copyright matters won't get in our way.

If they try suing, we'll get a stay!

Just Crib It! Crib It! Crib It! Crib it!

Just Crib It! Crib It! Crib It! Crib it!


Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Apple launches iThing – nobody knows what it does, but millions line up outside stores to buy one!

by Anand Ramachandran, a proud member of the socio-religious-hip-amazingly-cool-and-even-more-cool DELL XPS cult. What? There isn't one? Oh! Damn!

World renowned cool company Apple Inc. has launched their latest product, the iThing – a strange, minimalistic handheld device with no apparent features or uses. Now available in stores globally, the iThing is unbelievable sleek, sexy, desirable and useless. While even Apple has admitted that they have no idea what it actually is, this hasn't prevented millions of Mac fans from lining up outside retail outlets from the wee hours of the morning to be among the first to own one.

Apple's new iThing has no buttons, no screen and no features. Oh, well, at least the battery life is excellent - lasting about eight to ten hours.

“I'm a fan of anything Mac. I am proud that Apple have given me the opportunity to cluelessly stand in line for hours and pay through my nose for a product that I have no idea why I need!”, said a beaming Sankalesh Jimmy, conveniently stepping in to avoid embarrasment for any of the real-life Son of Bosey regulars, such as Tony Chacko and Nishraj Gurung.

“Mac fans. What idiots.”, snapped renowned windows fanatic Priya Krishnan, while waiting for Vista to recover from a critical crash on her Windows laptop.

“The iThing will revolutionize boring old things. Just like the iPhone revolutionized boring old phones, and the iMac revolutionized boring old Macs!”, said Apple supremo Steve Jobs, immediately regretting the last example and looking around shiftily to see if anyone noticed. “The iThing is the neXTstep in a proud Apple tradition of 'minimalist' design that makes products progressively more expensive and less useful.”, said Jobs, slipping in a quick in-joke that not many picked up on.

“The iThing is amazing. Unlike windows - it never crashes, is extremely easy to use, and has absolutely no features . .er . . problems.”, said a spokesman for Apple. “Let's just face it - it's just BETTER.”, he said.

““The iThing is amazing. Unlike windows - it never crashes, is extremely easy to use, and has absolutely no features . .er . . problems.Let's just face it - it's just BETTER ”, said a proud Mac user, exhibiting the well-documented Mac fan behaviour of cluelessly repeating Apple's marketing rhetoric, making people wonder why Apple need spokesmen at all.

“Hey, that's right! You're fired!”, said Steve Jobs to the spokesman, suddenly springing into action and instantly making Apple even more profitable. “We don't need any extra features, we don't need any extra employees. We're minimalist.”, he sniggered.

When someone nearby asked why people would be dumb enough to pay a large amount of money for something that has no actual use, Jobs retorted with a wink “If they believe that a company that stupidly squandered a genuine advantage, and made a decade of crummy mistakes, before regaining its market share a full twenty years later, is full of innovative geniuses, they'll believe anything! Besides, they lapped up the iPhone, didn't they?”

“Who says the iThing has no uses?” said Wildlife photographer and longtime Mac loyalist S.U.Saravanakumar. “Like all Apple products, it can be used to raise self-esteem, and to pick up chicks.”, he said, causing nearby Windows users to momentarily consider shifting to Mac themselves. “Not that I need it, heh heh!”, he added quickly.

“I would like to personally thank Apple for making 'I' the coolest alphabet in the world.”, said an excited Aravind Murali. “Who wants some Calamari?”, he asked, before trotting off with a Japanese looking individual in the general direction of Mahabalipuram.

As usual, other companies have been upset by Apple's instant success, and swung into action by announcing plans of their own. Sony has issued a press release that indicates that they will soon launch their own version of an overpriced, useless device called the er..uh..whateverStation. Microsoft has also said that they will issue an e-mail statement, just as soon as they can get IE to boot up. Nintendo was too busy making actually interesting products to respond to our messages.

Apple, however, is not resting on their laurels. They have already started work on making a TV remote control with no buttons (but with a nice, backlit Apple logo), and a gaming console that will have no actual games of its own, but which will come with an insanely cool virtual machine for running XBOX 360 games (just so that users can say “Did you know, you can actually run XBOX 360 games on a Mac? Wow!”)

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Oooh - an award!

When the grand ganapaadigal of guffaws - the superlative Krish Ashok himself, bestows us with an honour, it is time to giggle uncontrollably, and then do as he says! Hence also slyly addressing his complaint of infrequent updates. Orey kallu - rendu maanga.

Here's the award - it's actually nice - very retro videogame design ethic.

The Brilliant Weblog award is a prize given to sites and blogs that are smart and brilliant both in their content and their design. The purpose of the prize is to promote as many blogs as possible in the blogosphere.

Now, I'm supposed to nominate seven other blogs I like and read. Here goes :

Hilarious Glory

Brilliantly funny photos from the fun folks over at NCF!

Luck, be my lady tonight.

Arjun Sharma is funny. And updates far more often than we do!

Springfield Punx

All your favourite comic and cartoon characters redrawn in Simpsons style!! Don't miss Rorschach and Doc Manhattan! Amazingly cool.


A new blog from an old hand - Nikhil Pahwa is always crisp, sharp, and addictive. Like triangular potato chips.

Breaking Windows

Nice and prolific technology and gaming blog by Ken Edwards, with links to Kens's articles on blogcritics as well.

The Red Sketch Book

Malavika is a friend, but that's no excuse for drawing great, weird, psychedelic pictures. Go to the blog and tell her it's a bad idea! Or that you love it!

Things on Self's Head

Probably the best idea for a blog ever. Perhaps not for a general audience, but those who get it will love it. Created by fellow Bosey conspirator Evil Emperor Zeb.

Thanks everyone, for reading and enjoying Son of Bosey. And thanks Krish, for the nod.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

World doping olympics bans three participants for indulging in weightlifting!

by Anand Ramachandran, who is trying very hard to stifle a giggling fit. Not.

In a stunning turnaround that cocks a snook at the Olympic movement, the World Drug Use Olympics (popularly known as the dopalympics) has ejected three participants for indulging in the activity of weightlifting, which is apparently not allowed under the dopalympic charter.

'Winners don't lift weights' says three time world Dopalympic gold medallist known only as Rasta Roach. Having retired after the 2008 games, he is widely tipped to be appointed as the national team coach by the Board for Cannabis Consumption in India (BCCI).

“Just like how doping is illegal in weightlifting events, weightlifting is illegal during doping events. It's really quite simple. We will weed out the problem at the grassroots. Tee Hee. ”, said a strangely delighted looking spokesman for the anti-weightlifting agency, DAWA (Dopers Against Weightlifting Activity).

Apparently, two Jamaicans and one Bulgarian participant have tested positive for weightlifting at the doping games. Answering a query on how one would 'test positive' for something like weightlifting, the spokesman clarified “You can make out, actually. If you look at their biceps long enough, they start to resemble crayon renderings of Mr.Toad. Or the Swiss Alps. Or really pretty poppy fields. Or the late Shri. Kalpanath Rai. Hee hee hee hee . . . “, he trailed off.

“Activities like Weightlifting go against the very spirit of the dopalympics, and will not be tolerated. Weighlifting cheats have no place amongst pure, honest drug users.”, barked a stern looking Dopalympics official addressing a press conference. “Oh, look! A chocky-bickie! Sweeeeeeeet!”, he added., before asking the reporters present “Who the hell are you guys? Where's Louie? Louie? ” and looking around frantically.

The athletes have, of course, appealed the decision. The Bulgarian, Glazedei Mildkoff, has claimed that he had no idea that he was indulging in weightlifting. “It was without my knowledge! My doctor told me it was a cold remedy! I'm innocent!”, he said. Shortly thereafter, he was spotted at his B-sample test, where a group of strange individuals were staring at his other bicep, tapping each other on the shoulders and snickering. The two Jamaicans have issued a joint press release that simply read “This is a joint press release. Heh. Joint. ”

Some of the banned substances under the Dopalympic charter, on display at the DAWA headquearters (not in picture).

This has left the Indian Weightlifting Federation in a quandary, as they can now no longer participate in either event. “Shit! Now we'll be banned from the Olympics for doping, and banned from the Dopalympics for weightlifting! Maybe we should take up cycling! No, wait . . . “, said a spokesman for the IWF, whose name might have been Jhadav. Or perhaps Sinha.

“I think it's harsh. Just because doping is illegal during weightlifting, it not necessary for weitghlifting to be illegal during doping. Just like how you can eat Pongal on Diwali, but you can't eat Diwali on Pongal.”, said wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, with a classic wink.

“Yeah, or how you can roam in Mylapore, but you can't Mylapore in Rome!”, added an excited Vishwanathan Srinivasan, giggling in a manner suspiciously similar to the DAWA spokesman mentioned earlier.

While the Bulgarian and Jamaican press have, understandably, called for leniency, the Dopalympic authorities remained unmoved. “We have no place for cheats. We're the premier competition in the world featuring professional dopers.”, said Dick Pound, who recently took over as the Dopalympic chief. “Er . . other than the Tour De France, of course.”, he added sheepishly.

“Wait – Sonia Gandhi can Sing, But Manmohan Singh can't Gandhi!”, added a gleeful looking Jai Shankar Iyer, expanding the scope of the wordplay just a little.

“Hahaha, good one! Sean Connery can Pierce Brosnan, but Pierce Brosnan can't Sean Connery! Wait, even better – Roger Moore can Pierce Brosnan, and . . . “, said Nishraj Gurung, before being buried by an avlanche of thrown pillows.

“Hey, I've got one! Superman can Bat, but Batman can't Super! Oh – and Green Lantern can Flash, but Flash can't Green Lantern! Hey – another one – Plastic Man can wonder, but Wonder Woman can't Plastic! ”, said P.C.Vikram, digging into his vast repertoire of JLA knowledge. He spent the next three hours trying to work out something for Martian Manhunter and Aquaman, but failed to come up with anything funny.

“Oh no, look what I've started off!”, said wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, breaking tradition and appearing twice in the same article.

Oh, wait! Wasn't this article supposed to be about some weightlifting based stuff? Oh. Yeah. Right. Sorry. Heh heh.

While the controversy rages on, there have been calls from some quarters to solve the problem by legalizing weightlfiting. Like how it's legal in Amsterdam. Watch this space.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Journalists delighted with cheesy headline possibilities offered by Bolt's 100m win.

by Anand Ramachandran, whose puns often reach olympian levels of cringeworthiness.

Headline writers all over the world have rejoiced at Jamaican Usain Bolt's sensational record-breaking victory at the Beijing Olympics, since it has given tham a great opportunity to come up with a range of cheesy, cringe-inducing headlines like never before.

“Hooray!”, yelled a spokesman for the Times of India, which managed to squeeze in 'Lightning Bolt' and 'Bolt and the Beautiful' in the same issue. “After John Wright left India, we've been dying for an opportunity like this!”, said a representative of The Hindu, which came up with the awfully clever 'Lightning Bolt' pun as well. “We haven't had this much fun since those idiotic Cash/Cheque puns we did during the Lendl vs. Cash Wimbledon final in 1987”, said the Indian Express guy who had the same 'Usain Bolts' idea as the hacks from the Hindustan Times.

“Journalists love it when they get a chance to make the obvious bad pun”, opined leading language specialist Nandini Reddy “ Why can't they be creative and make up better ones like 'Nuts about Bolt' or 'High-Boltage performance' ?”, she asked, more than a little sheepishly.

The ultimate sprinter? A combination of Michael Johnson and Usain Bolt may just give us the answer!

“A combination of Usain Bolt and Michael Johnson would make the ultimate sprinter – Michael Bolton! Heh heh! ”, grinned wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, thrilled at being given a chance to display his trademark wit. “Imagine him running full tilt, his long hair trailing behind him!”, added well-known musician Maarten Visser, showing that he wasn't a true Bolton fan, in which case he'd have known that the singer cut off his long locks more than a decade ago.

“I'm just glad that these idiots now have someone else's name to make silly jokes about”, said former India cricket coach John Wright. “I was getting tired of all these blade 'Wright choice', 'Wright decision', 'Exit stage Wright' nonsense in all the papers!”, he said, pronouncing the word 'blade' in a hilarious, New Zealand way, before hurriedly heading off to the nearest John.

“The two-spooned cuckoo is well rested before a half baked sunrise!”, yelled a hyperexcited Navjyot Singh Sidhu, looking around hopefully for a few laughs. “Hmmm . . maybe I should change my name to Nav-Joke ! ”, he pondered, smiling to himself.

Lu Yong, wightlifting gold medallist at the ongoing Beijing Olympics, said “Thanks to Mr.Bolt, other athletes like myself have been spared the poor humour of these journalists.” “What luck , to have avoided silly puns such as 'Yong and restless' or 'Yong-ster'!”, he added, before hurriedly heading off to the nearest Lu.

This sudden punning epidemic has apparently spread like wildfire, causing several leading laboratories to study the phenomenon to search for a cure. Scientists at the New Orleans and Pennsylvania University of Nonsense (N.O.P.U.N.) are reportedly on the point of finding a cure. “ It's only a question of analyzing the body fluids, and isolating the relevant humour.”, said a young intern, before realising what he had just said and running screaming back into the lab.

Meanwhile, the pun storm shown no signs of abating. Among the ones being currently considered by major sportswriters are “ Cricket administrators show perfect twenty-twenty vision”, “ Federer loses some of the time, but Nadal of the time”, and “To succeed against Lankan spinners, Dravid will have to Mendis ways at the crease”.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Natraj enters computer peripherals market – introduces keyboard with 'Bonded Lead', Digital 'Ink Rubbers'!

by Anand Ramachandran, who got the idea from Ravi Abburi's magnificient Natraj obsession.

World renowned stationery manufacturer Natraj of Natraj Pencils fame has introduced a range of new products aimed at modern youngsters who use computers far more often than good ole pen and paper. The new range of products include a computer keyboard with their trademark 'Bonded Lead', a digital 'Ink Rubber', and a mysterious device known simply as 'coorpener'.

Vinay Nilakantan, cleverly disguised as Morgan Freeman, demonstrates the stunning uses of the new Bonded-Lead Keyboard from Natraj. The effects of the coorpener are clearly seen in the inset.

“We have always been a forward-thinking company. Hence we must change with the times and introduce products that are in tune with today's technology”, said a man known simply as 'Dharani'. “ Hooray! Now we can make a whole new bunch of animated ads that will depict our products as cutesy-pie cricket stumps, olympic athletes, and other assorted objects, and be remembered fondly for generations to come”, he added, before trotting off to the nearest Ogilvy and Mather for a pointless 'brainstorming session'.

The products have caused a lot of confusion among the general public, who are yet to figure out how they work or what they actually do. Natraj sales personnel have been stationed (heh heh) at various stationery (heh heh) outlets to demonstrate and explain the products.

“Look. This keyboard has bonded lead ! It won't break when you sharpen it !”, said well known technology guru Vinay Nilakantan, catching on quick as usual. “It's much better than legacy keyboards!”, he cooed happily. “What's more, you can actually write with it like a normal pencil – very useful during power cuts!”, he added.

The digital 'Ink Rubber' also stays true to its traditional media roots – it's a dull-pink and muddy-blue device that replaces the Backspace key on a normal keyboard, and actually scrapes away the surface of your monitor as it makes corrections. It also lacks 'scent' , and tastes like sawdust (er . . not that I would know, of course . . ). When someone asked the Natraj representative to explain why such a ridiculous product would be successful, he shot back “You first explain why people bought Ink Rubbers in the first place! Don't tell us how to do our job!”, with a blend of belligerence and stupidity that would have made an Airtel or HDFC Bank employee proud.

The new e-Ink Rubber from Natraj. Apparently, they are also working on a version that resembles a broken Topaz blade.

Perhaps the product that was most amazing was the 'Coorpener', which is actually a kind of 'Keyboard Sharpener'. After putting a keyboard through this strange device, the salesman then proceeded to demonstrate it's efficacy by touching one of its corners to his cheek and saying “Mmmmm. Cooooorp.”, to the stunned gathering. He also said that alternate methods of sharpening a keyboard, such as rubbing it repeatedly on a concrete floor, were useless.

“Yes, it will take some time for the consumers to figure out our new product range. After all, most of them still haven't figured out the real difference between 'Camel' and 'Camlin'! So they can't be all that bright, eh? Har Har!”, said a man known simply as “Moorthy”.

“It's good to see old companies like Natraj come out with such innovative products”, observed wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar. “Now, if only they'd bring out that long-awaited USB Protractor!”, he said, expressing the feelings of millions of geometry enthusiasts throughout the nation. “It's pronouned Geomentry!” said a stern Kishore Manohar, playing an unusual editing role on Son of Bosey.

Not to be left behind, Camlin have announced their own range of competing products, such as a Geometry Box that is graduated in pixels instead of inches, high resolution ink, and touch-screen blotting paper. Exciting times for stationery buffs.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

BCCI, PCB slap Mohd. Asif with three-month life ban !

by Anand Ramachandran, a staunch opponent of performance enhancing drugs, but a fence-sitter on those which don't enhance any sort of performance whatsoever.

Moving with uncharacteristic speed and characteristic idiocy, the BCCI and the PCB have slapped dope-tainted speedster Mohammed Asif with a unique three -month life ban. He will be appealing the decision.

Fast bowler Mohammed Asif tries out a nice suit to impress the judge at his next appeal against a doping ban

“Since most life bans on active Pakistani cricketers last only between three months and two years anyway, we thought we'd pre-empt the eventuality and come up with a unique new ban!”, said an excited Prof Ratnakar Shetty, pleased to have beaten Lalit Modi to an appearance in this article. Explaining the term 'three-month life ban', he said “He cannot play any cricket for three months of his life, which is the life of the ban, which for the life of me I cannot understand. Don't take my life out for this.”

The PCB has expressed its agreement with the BCCI on the issue. “We are happy that the BCCI has taken the initiative by bumbling, covering up, and coming to a ridiculous compromise decision. Otherwise we would have been forced to do the same.”, said a Pakistani cricket official who had a name that was made up of components such as 'Brigadier', 'Mohammed', 'Ur', 'Colonel', 'Atif', 'Ul' and 'Khan'. " At least the next Pakistan Government won't have anything to overturn!", he quipped.

Mohammed Asif has denied everything. Not happy with merely denying consuming illegal substances (despite much evidence to the contrary), he went the whole hog and denied playing cricket altogether (despite much evidence to the contrary). “I have never played cricket. I never played in the IPL. It's all the hakeem's fault!”, he said, before adding “ I deny my previous denial. I never denied anything.” and running away from the press conference.

“Damn, beaten by that creep Shetty!”, thought an annoyed Lalit Modi to himself, moments before regaining his composure and adding “ Yes. We wish to adhere strictly to our policy of going easy on high-value cricketers who are good for the TV ratings, and only taking strict action on semi-retired dweebs like Salim Malik and Ajay Sharma, who don't play in the IPL anyway.” “Shit, my voice is sounding more and more like Sachin's.”, he squeakily muttered under his breath.

As always, the announcement has sparked off varying reactions in the cricketing world, without which all Son of Bosey articles would have to end at this point.

“I appreciate the BCCI for their honesty. At least this method avoids all those lengthy, tedious appeals processes and court appearances where we have to look at Asif wearing casual clothes and cooling glasses when entering the court. ”, said wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, craftily ensuring that Son of Bosey gets a high google rank for the term 'Cooling Glasses'.

“Typical. Cricket has always been a holier than thou sport that thinks it is above the law. Disgraceful.”, said former World Anti Doping Agency chief Dick Pound, immediately eliciting the response “Hahahaha – his name is Dick Pound! Hrrrmphhhfflss.”, from a group of casual drug users hovering nearby.

“This is nonsense”, said long-time cricket fan Aravind Murali. “ What's the point in meaningless bans that allow drug cheats to remain in the sport? What is this, the Tour De France?”, he asked, taking a dig at cycling, which is quite safe, since no-one cares about it anyway.

In a related development, various international drug-using sporstmen have formed a body that will be known as Professionals of Organised Drug Abuse. “PODA is our response to WADA”, said a spokesman for the newly formed body.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Kamal Haasan Inspires Tamil Film Industry to Institute Aaskar Awards!

by Anand Ramachandran, who is not 'insteet' but 'practical'.

In a quick and stunningly pro-active response to Kamal Hassan's comments about the Oscars, the tamil film industry has instituted a new award that will honour accomplishments in areas that are important to local sensibilities and context.

The awards will be known as the AASKAR (Academy that Agrees Stupidly to Kamal's Arbid Requests) awards, and will be handed out at a glittering ceremony at German Hall next March.

Renowned actor Prakash Raj proudly displays the Aaskar that he is going to win for 'Best Performance as a Bad Guy Who Talks Like a Good Guy'.

Speaking on behalf of the newly formed academy, film fanatic Tony Chacko said “We will honour all those things about Tamil cinema that snobbish institutions like the Oscar Awards continue to ignore. For instance, we will have an award for 'Best Class Film', and 'Best Mass Film'.”, he said, to thunderous applause from Perarasu. Apparently, the Aaskars will also honour films with 'Best Youth Subject', 'Best Pathos', and 'Best Sincere Lou'.

There will also be a range of unique awards for actors, in categories such as 'Best Performance as a Hero's Friend', 'Best Sister Role', and 'Best Performance by Charlie as a College Student'(which, of course, will go to Charlie every year). Awards have also been announced for outstanding performances in categories like 'Rich Girls', 'Marwari Aunties', and 'Panchayat Heads'.

“This is great news!”, gushed an ecstasic Priya Krishnan, known all over the world for her love for cinema. “Now we can all play chess!”, she said, strangely.

“I hope this is not some sort of a joke or spoof. ”, said Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, breaking the fourth wall with consummate ease.

Apparently, writers and technicians will also be given their due. Among the awards for their contributions are 'Best Griffness in a Screenplay', 'Best Punch Dialogue', 'Best Needless Special Effects' and 'Best Interval Bang'. There is also rumoured to be a special award for 'Best Performance by Vijayakumar as Sarath Kumar's Dad' (which, of course, will go to Vijayakumar every year).

The award itself is a statuette that depicts Kamal Hassan screaming with rage (at the Oscars, probably). “It's a truly grand trophy”, said well-known architect Chiraag Kapoor, cheek firmly in tongue (er . . tongue firmly in cheek . . er . . both are same). The trophy has been designed by someone named Thyagu.

Kamal Haasan, rejecting preliminary designs for the Aaskar Award Statuette, expresses his displeasure to the designer (not in picture).

In order to avoid the embarrassing situation of Grand (Kamal Hassan) not winning any award, the organisers have decided to give him a 'Lifetime Achievement' award for his entire lifetime. “His entire lifetime is an achievement!”, said R.S.Prasanna, a lifetime fan of Grand's lifetime.

In fact, the academy is not only celebrating Tamil Cinema, but will have certain awards for excellence in other language films as well. 'Best Pointless Rahul Bose Film', 'Best Original Bollywood Song that Eerily Resembles A European Hit', and 'Least Hopeless Kannada Film', are some of the categories that will cater to the rest of the country.

The announcement has sent producer Oscar Aaskar Ravichandran into fits of desperation, as he now has to change his name once more. According to sources, he has shortlised 'Aughscar', 'Wahskhar', and 'Gavaskar' as possibilities.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

India, Sri Lanka, Malaysia, Singapore form Gopal Palpodi Nations Organization!

by Anand Ramachandran, who misses classic radio commercials.

In a political move that has stunned the world, the nations of India, Sri Lanka, Malaysia and Singapore have formed a new alliance known as the Gopal Palpodi Nations Organization (GPNO), based on the popularity of the world-renowned Gopal Palpodi tooth powder in these regions.

External Affairs minister Pranab Mukherjee proudly displays a pack of Gopal Palpodi, which he purchased from Mustafa Centre.

“Gopal Palpodi is the one thing that unites us all! Indhiyaa Malayseeyaa Ilangai Singappoorill sirandhadhu, Gopal Palpodi!”, said external affairs minister Pranab Mukherjee. “Gopal Palpodi. Gopal Palpodi. Gopal Palpodi.”, he added, effortlessly switching between male and female voices, before signing off with a “Ting-Tonggg.”

This was confirmed by the heads of states of the other three nations as well, who chorused “Gopal Palpodi is the key factor in cementing our political and economic ties as nations. And don't forget – it's good for your teeth!”

According to the official press release, the GPNO will work towards securing peace and harmony in the region, increasing trade and tourism between the nations, and ignoring Indonesia.

“Never mind SAARC, SAF, The Non-Aligned Movement and all those other blade ideas Nehru and the others came up with. This is teh_pWnage!”, grinned a delighted Vinay Nilakantan, avid gamer and long-time Gopal Palpodi user. “Don't forget that GPNO is an anagram of PONG, making it all the more awesome!”, he said excitedly, before trotting off to acquire the mobile gaming rights for the iconic tooth powder brand.

“Gopal Palpodi is an interesting brand name, in that the first syllable of each word once again forms the first word, and what's left forms the second word! To elaborate, GO(pal) + PAL(podi) = GOPAL(palpodi). Isn't it great?”, explained renowned maths specialist Sheela Shankar. “Hmmm . . . that gives me an idea for a book. I'll call it Gopal, Escher, Bach!”, she thought to herself with a smirk.

“It's all a scam! There is no Gopal Palpodi available in Malaysia. Only Vicco Vajradanti! I checked!” yelled a disappointed Vishal Thyagarajan, taking time off from his Tolkien-reading sessions to make his point. He also said that the famous Gopal Palpodi radio advertisement was inferior in quality when compared to the one for Bison undergarments.

The international community has reacted in their own unique ways. The United States has ordered the CIA to dig up all the information they can about Gopal Palpodi, the Japanese have begun pronouncing it as 'Gopaarru Parrupodi', while the English are expecting rain at Wimbledon. The Maldives and Mauritius have applied for membership to the GPNO, causing an official from the external affairs ministry to remark “Eh? They're two different countries? Then what about Madagascar?”

Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh has offered to host the first GPNO summit at New Delhi. “To tell you the tooth, I'm delighted that all the leaders will gum here and attend the summit”, he said, wisely deciding against adding “I hope that the GPNO will exert its influence from the equator to the molar regions! ”. The summit will be attended by luminaries such as Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, Chess Fanatic McNaToj, and, making a triumphant comeback, the members of ZZTop.

In related news, the makers of Laljee Godhoo Asafoetida are planning a rival alliance, but have so far only succeeded in roping in T.Nagar, Luz, and parts of Kilpauk.