Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Delighted fans celebrate Indian win by building house for Sehwag, printing out posters of Yuvraj, Tendulkar.

by Anand Ramachandran, who recently demolished a neat lunch.

Reacting to India's world record batting performance against Bermuda on Monday, delighted and retarded fans all over the country showed their appreciation by building houses for their favourite cricketers, printing out their posters, and dressing up in ugly clothes.

“When the players do badly, we show our anger by demolishing their property, burning their posters, and dressing up in ugly clothes. So this is only fair.”, said one of the young fans, quite reasonably.

Cricket fans in Najafgarh, looking eerily like the inbred primates who demolished Dhoni's property in Ranchi, dress up in ugly clothes and reject an initial design for a new house for opener Virender Sehwag.

A mob of fans in Virender Sehwag's hometown of Najafgarh took to the streets, and frenziedly began building him a palatial house on a plot of land they forcibly grabbed from its lawful owner. “Sehwag is our hero – he has scored a great hundred and given us joy. So it is only logical that we build him a house with our own hands”, screamed a delirious guy named Singh. “ We are passionate about cricket!”, raved a delirious guy named Mohan Kumar, who happens to be a spokesman (don't we love 'em) for the Fans Association of Najafgarh South (F.A.N.S.).

Excited fans elsewhere in the country celebrated by printing out hundreds of posters of their heroes, prominently Yuvraj Singh and Sachin Tendulkar, and waving them about like so many intoxicated langurs. “Damn, my printer is all out of yellow”, said a downcast Nishraj Gurung, looking at his magenta-tinted poster of Sourav Ganguly.

“Damn! I got only 29. Hope they'll at least build me a DUPLO truck.”, said wicketkeeper M.S.Dhoni. “It's also easier to take apart when I fail with the bat”, he pointed out usefully.

“I'm so happy, I feel like showing my tits! Just like when we won in South Africa! ”, said a visibly excited chairman of selectors Dilip Vengsarkar. He also pointed out that this wouldn't be the first time that the event has occured. “ People first saw my nipples in that 'Vigil Soap' ad when I was a cricketer, so it's no big deal.”, he quipped, with the easy assurance of a veteran porn star. Vengsarkar signed off by expressing his delight at joining the exclusive club of cricket-based personalities such as Andrew Flintoff and Sourav Ganguly (whose chests have been featured prominently on television), and Mandira Bedi (whose prominent chest has been featured on television).

Delighted fans, upset with the quality of the grainy and magenta tinted inkjet printout, burn a poster of Saurav Ganguly while waiting for a new ink cartridge (not in picture).

Apparently, a group of fans from Ranchi (or Rajkot. Or Khadakvasala. Our research is admittedly weak.) are planning to dress up in ugly clothes, travel to Bermuda and demolish the house of Bermuda captain Irvin Romaine, who was out without scoring in Monday's game. When asked for a reason, one of them grabbed the mike and (after double checking whether his hair resembled that of Shah Rukh Khan closely enough) yelled “We're passionate about cricket!”.

“I think the boys played very well. We need to control the controllables. We need to vary the variables. We need to determine the determinants.”, warbled Indian captain Rahul Dravid, delighted to be given another opportunity to spout his beloved corporate sounding nonsense.

“It's a typical knee-jerk reaction. What happens if we win the tournament? Will these morons build a skyscraper for Sachin? A dormitory for Dravid? An igloo for Irfan? A urinal for Uthappa?”, quipped noted Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, displaying his talent for alliteration.

There was no comment from the Pakistan contingent, as they have been asked to speak only in Urdu, to promote tourism.