Sunday, October 28, 2007

Al-Quaeda to acquire distribution rights for Vista Home Basic :

In a spine chilling twist to the whole war against terror, it has been reported that there is now conclusive evidence that Microsoft may have actually sold distribution rights for their most dreaded piece of code yet –Vista Home Basic – to the Al Quaeda.

The report has had member countries of the UN, NATO, Commonwealth and The ICC scrambling for their remote controls to see how this will affect world peace and ad revenues. Vista Home Basic has already rendered 87,000 people in Georgia homeless, turned 16 high school teachers into binary digits, incited a typhoon just outside Tokyo and has generally upped the increased the risk of cardiac arrest of over the 200 million users by 47%.

Relatives and friends of Vista users are reportedly suffer from what is being termed Operating System Backlash Suffering & Anguish (OSYBSA) caused by having to listen to millions of sob stories the answer to all of which seems to be “then why don’t you switch to Macs”. This of course does not apply to world famous wildlife photographer and Mac owner S.U.Saravannakumar whose reply was just a beatific smile.

Apparently, the Al-Quaeda has been priming its entire network just to go retail for some time now. “Our 3 pronged strategy is to first promote piracy, then make everyone buy vista, and then when they come crawling back to our call centers with their wimpy complaints of CTS, memory loss and nose bleeds just by trying to connect to wireless networks… that’s when we’ll unleash true terror”, said spokesperson Alstand Atiz, as he herded another 400 call center guys into a small metal room with the Manhattan skyline wallpapered all over it.

Al-Quaeda apparently have already been ‘talking’ to several manufacturers informing them that very soon their products will have to come bundled with the killer OS which makes Anthrax seem as fearsome as an 80’s thrash metal band. It is rumoured that soon even basic devices like Televisions, Toasters, Epilators and Thermos Flasks will become OS driven. “Talk to Osama” is the only answer you get from all Al Quaeda’s call centers in response to further questions in this regard.

Investigations have also revealed that Microsoft has been aiding Al Quaida build a strong base for their terror wars since the days of Windows ME. This reporter was unable to get any interviews as all the people to whom the name was mentioned promptly fainted. To add more fuel to the scandal being known as BillGate, there is also further evidence of the deal in the way the rampaging California fires chose to leave house of the cruel dictator alone.

It is also being speculated that the IRA was contemplating buying the controlling stake in Corel Draw but that story just refused to get funny.

12 Year Old Indian Boy Adopts Angelina Jolie !

by Anand Ramachandran, who approves of adoption, adolescence, and Angelina Jolie.

In a sudden surprise move, a 12 year old boy from Chirala village in Andhra Pradesh, India has announced that he will be adopting 'Tomb-Raider' actress Angelina Jolie as his mother.

P.G.Vilash, a student of standard seven belonging to a lower middle class family, has successfully convinced the adoption authorities that it would be greatly beneficial to his lifestyle if he were to adopt the wealthy, world-famous Hollywood superstar as his adoptive parent.

“I hear that Ms.Jolie is a great fan of adoption, that too involving children from what she perceives as third-world countries. Hence we expect no problems from her side.”, said Vilash's father Victor Prasad Rao. “Hooray! Finally I'll be rid of the snot-nosed brat and his hideous Pokemon collection.”, added a jubilant Mr.Rao, offering to take all the reporters gathered to the beach as a special treat.

“Watch out, Maddox, here I come!”, giggled an excited Vilash. “Goodbye SodexHo passes! Goodbye BSA-SLR! Hello Private Jet! Hello Beyonce!”, he exclaimed, punching his fist in the air, and behaving eerily like the mechanics from 'Pimp My Ride'.

A nervous Brad Pitt tries to prevent Angelina Jolie from going 'Tomb Raider' on her children for watching too much TV.

Apparently, a letter has already been sent to Ms.Jolie informing her of the developments. Its contents are reproduced below.

Dear Ms.Jolie,

Hope you are well, and have survived the events of 'Mr and Mrs. Smith'. This is to convey the good news that, beginning the 9th of November, 2007, you will be the adoptive mother of P.G.Vilash, aged twelve, from Chirala, India.

No doubt you will be delighted to hear this, as we are told that you prefer adopted children to even your own. Vilash is a studious, well behaved child who will benefit greatly from being a part of your globetrotting, extravagant, lifestyle, something he could never hope for in a random dump like Chirala.

We are confident that you and Mr.Brad Pitt will be able to provide Vilash with all that a needy child really wants – access to wild backstage parties, a really big Plasma TV, a chance to sit on Beyonce's lap – you get the general idea.

Thanks for, and looking forward to your continued support.

Yours very sincerely,



P.S. Loved you in 'Gia'. Woo-Hoo.

“I love Indian kids, and my support for adoption is well documented, but this is a bit much!”, said a visibly flustered Ms.Jolie. “ Besides, I'm not used to handling children without an 'x' or 'z' in their names!”, she added, trying desperately to wriggle out of the situation.

“Er . . what if we change his name to Xerxes? Or Zapata? Or maybe Xrinivasan ?” offered Ms.Jolie's partner Brad Pitt helpfully, earning a cold glare for his efforts at trying to solve the problem.

Despite Ms.Jolie's reluctance, and her lethargy in responding positively to the offer, Vilash and his family are preparing in full swing for his departure. Sources have revealed that some of them are currently drafting a proposal for a Jolie-sponsored family holiday in the Bahamas.

“I'm sure that Vilash will not be distracted by the wild parties at idyllic pacific resorts, choice gourmet food, next-gen videogames and a non-stop supply of hot teenaged groupies – and will fulfill our family's dream of becoming an IAS officer.”, said his uncle Visesh Rao. “Er . . or, at least, appearing for the exams.”, he corrected hurriedly, realizing the improbability of his previous utterance.

Child prodigy Budhia Singh sprints to catch the deadline for filling applications to adopt Madonna.

“What next? Maybe Budhia Singh should adopt Rihanna. Or Maybe I should adopt Ali Larter!”, quipped renowned Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, with a knowing wink, before abruptly setting off for some frenzied googling.

Though public reaction has been mixed, reliable sources inform us that the editor of The Deccan Chronicle has been admitted to the hospital with a rare case of extreme anticipatory euphoria.

BCCI moots new 'Twenty-Fifty' format for cricket.

by Anand Ramachandran, who thinks T20 is great fun.

In a moment of rare innovation, the Board of Control for Cricket in India has proposed a radical new format of the game that they claim will boost cricket's popularity to unprecedented levels.

Under the rules of the new format, christened 'Twenty-Fifty', or T50 cricket, The Indian team would get to bat fifty overs, and the opposition will get to bat 20 overs. Field restrictions would also follow the same method, with 15 overs of power play when the Indians bat, and six overs when the opposition bats.

Predictably, the rest of the cricketing world was sharply divided over support to the new format.

“It's completely unfair and biased towards the Indian team, mate. How do you expect the opposition to win if Ajit Agarkar can bowl only four overs per match? ”, said Australian captain Ricky Ponting, cutting right to the crux as always.

Indian cricketer Ajit Agarkar exults, on learning that Twenty-Fifty cricket gives him far fewer opportunities to give away runs.

“Twenty-Fifty cleverly combines the charm of the fifty over game with the thrills of Twenty-Twenty! Everyone is going to love it!” chirruped a delighted Lalit Modi. “And everybody knows that cricket only makes money when India wins! It's perfect!”, he gurgled, inadvertently giving away the true motive behind the BCCI's promotion of T50.

The BCCI has denied allegations that the new format was designed to favour the Indian team. “On the contrary, it is a known fact that Indians actually prefer batting for twenty overs than for fifty. Look how often they have crossed 200 in T20, but struggle to cross 150 in ODIs. Being the world champions in T20, and a bunch of losers in the fifty over format, they will actually be at a disadvantage in Twenty-Fifty.” argued Board Secretary Niranjan Shah, sounding dangerously reasonable.

“Yeah, I agree with Niranjan on that one”, said Ravi Shastri, suddenly grabbing the mike from a nonplussed Mr.Shah. “ The Indian team needs to improve their consistency in playing 50 over innings, and what better way than to force them to play in a format that forces every team to play the form of the game that they are weaker in. Anil Kumble is a tall man.”, he said, surreptitiously slipping in a cliché when no-one was looking.

“Take a scenario when a team like Australia bat first and score 180 in twenty overs – we would then have to bat for a far more strenuous 50 overs to get the score. What's more, having batted only for twenty overs, their fielders will be far fresher and able to stop runs more efficiently! It's unfair!” complained a flustered Yuvraj Singh. “Some teams have all the luck – the format is loaded and unbalanced!”, he grumbled, unintentionally saying the right things.

“. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . “, said umpire Steve Bucknor, brandishing his annoying 'enigmatic' smile.

“After years of domination by the so-called western cricketing countries, it's time someone stuck it to them! Take that, Aussies!”, barked an excited Sunil Gavaskar, thumbing his nose in the general direction of Australia.

“The ICL will provide unmatched opportunities to youngsters! We fully expect to conduct a successful tournament. The BCCI sucks!”, said Kapil Dev, getting at least one of his three statements right.

World renowned widlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar was unusually effusive in his praise. “Who cares? Bring it on! Everything is just peachy now that Kimi has taken the championship”, he grinned, revealing his well-documented love of Formula 1 once again.

As of date, nobody has approached Arun Lal for comments.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Tamil Nadu Government Implements 'Cooling Glass' Rule For Motorists, Pedestrians.

by Anand Ramachandran, who can't ride a bike.

Hot on the heels of the controversial 'Helmet Rule' which forces motorcyclists in Tamil Nadu to wear helmets or risk being fined, the state Chief Minister Dr.M.Karunanidhi has announced a novel 'Cooling Glass' rule to protect citizens' eyes from the harsh summer sun.

According to the new ruling, all motorists and pedestrians in Chennai, Coimbatore and other major cities in Tamil Nadu will have to compulsorily wear what the Government refers to as 'Cooling Glasses'. “Cooling Glasses are great! They protect your eyes, and chicks can't tell if you're staring at them. Ask me, I should know!”, chuckled Dr.Karunanidhi, displaying his renowned wit once more.

As seen in this picture of three of Tamil Nadu's most beloved leaders, "Cooling Glasses" are very much a part of Tamil culture.

The public, predictably, have reacted with outrage, saying that forcing them to wear 'Cooling Glasses' is akin to taking away their basic freedom, and their fundamental right to be unreasonable assholes. “First helmets. Now cooling glasses. What next? Will they force us to brush our teeth in the morning to promote dental hygiene? Pah!”, yelled a thick-set man with yellow teeth, quickly and efficiently dispersing the crowd that had gathered around him in order to get on TV.

However, some intellectuals have welcomed the move, claiming that it was a necessary step in order to safeguard and promote Tamil culture. “Tamil Nadu has the unique distinction of having been ruled for over thirty years by guys permanently wearing coolers. So this is very much a part of Tamil ethos”, said noted Tamil scholar Vinay Nilakantan, before yelling “Long Live Classical Divine Tamil! Whack! Whack! Kalaignar!”, for reasons known only to himself.

Police have already swung into action, stopping and fining offenders for ignoring the rule. They have also been severe on miscreants who insisted on using words like 'shades', 'goggles' or 'sunglasses' instead of the approved Tamil “ Cooling Glass” or “Coolers”. “Dai! Thamizhla paesuda! Paartha padichavan maadhiri irruke!”, thundered a traffic cop to a hapless young man passing by.

H.K.L.Bhagat, were he living in Tamil Nadu today, would pose a tricky problem for the traffic cops.

Apparently, some enterprising but mischievous elements have already begun confusing the traffic police by wearing one-sided cooling glasses, inspired by former Congress party leader H.K.L.Bhagat. “We don't know what to do with these 'Bhagat' cases – this isn't covered in the rules.”, mused a policeman, before brightening up and exclaiming “Wait! I know! Let's just arrest every alternate offender! Yay! Problem solved!”.

“I'm not sure about the benefits. But now people are going to have difficulty recognizing each other on the streets. Everybody knows that cooling glasses are the most effective disguise known to man – as ably demonstrated by MGR and Superstar several times.”, quipped renowned wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, removing his coolers so that reporters could recognize him. He was proved right just a few moments later when some enthusiastic young dancers mistook a nearby Autorickshaw driver for P.Diddy, and begged him for 'chance'.

Comedian Kumarimuthu has been granted exemption from the 'Cooling Glass' rule on the grounds that his eyes cannot possibly be worsened by the sun in any way. However, some persons have submitted a petition in court asking for him to be brought under the rules to protect the general public from having to look at his eyes, a potentially harmful activity.

Apparently, the only person exempt from the rule is cine-comedian Kumarimuthu, as the Government has admitted that there is nothing much to be gained by protecting his eyes anyway.

Monday, April 16, 2007

We Are Not Champions - The Ballad of the Indian Batsmen

by Anand Ramachandran, a fan of champions, Indian cricket, and Queen.

'We are the champions' is probably one of the most popular songs among dumb sports fans, who actually believe that Freddie, Brian and the boys wrote it just for THEIR team! However, even the dumbest Indian cricket fan would have trouble believing that the famous lyrics could be appropriate for the Men in Blue. However, with just some slight modifications, the stalwarts at Son of Bosey have come up with, and are proud to present a ballad specially for our much-vaunted batting line-up. Enjoy, and don't forget to sing to the tune of 'We are the champions', by Queen.

Members of India's mighty middle order have been photographed individually and put together using clever digital imaging wizadry for this album cover, since the BCCI forbids more than three of them from being photographed together.

We've made excuses,

Time after Time,

The team always loses,

Without reason or rhyme

And bad mistakes

Well, more than a few

We've had our share of chances thrown our way

but we've got screwed

We are not champions, my friends

We'll keep in-fighting till the end

We aren't champions,

We'll ne-er be champions

No time for practice

So we won't be champions

Of the world

We've gone out to bat

and faced many balls

You've bowled us bouncers and long hops and half-volleys and outswingers

We've got out to them all.

How do we stay in there?

We've run out of clues.

We consider it a challenge to last even a minute

against any ball that moves.

And he's gone . . he's gone . . he's gone . . . .

We were the champions my friends,

We'll keep reminding, and pretend

That we are still champions

Yeah, we are still champions

No time for practice

So let's just be champions

Of yesteryears

Saturday, April 07, 2007

BCCI to implement 'Sports Quota' for selection of Indian cricket team; Also suggests 27% reservation for Backward Classes.

by Anand Ramachandran, Malcolm Speed, and Sepp Blatter - leading purveyors of bad ideas.

While most of the ideas emerging from the BCCI's working committee meeting on Friday are by this time well documented, some of the more interesting, and potentially more effective changes being suggested for Indian cricket are only becoming known now.

Of all the suggestions that emerged, the BCCI seems most excited by the idea of having a 'Sports Quota' for selection to the Indian cricket team. “Yes, there should be more opportunity for those who are good at sports to have an equal opportunity to get into the team”, said chairman of selectors Dilip Vengsarkar, inadvertently admitting that this hasn't been the case so far.

Members of the Indian hockey team cheer the announcement of the 'Sports Quota' for Indian cricket team selection - delighted that they, too, will have a fair chance to appear in crappy advertisements, endanger their homes, and be banned from talking to the press.

The newly announced sports quota opens up opportunities for achievers in other sports such as Vishwanathan Anand and A.Sharath Kamal to try out for the Men in Blue. “Who says that cricket is detrimental to other sports? See, now even badminton players can play cricket, endorse Pepsi, and have their effigies burnt”, said BCCI Vice President Lalit Modi, overenthusiastic and hasty as always. “I have been misquoted”, he added, referring to his statement made only moments ago.

The news has been greeted with cheer by athletes across the nation, particularly two guys named Augustine and Lionel from Loyola College, Chennai.

“Yay! Having got into college even though we can't study, now we can get into the Indian team even though we can't play cricket”, said Kumar Chandrasekharan, a noted middle-distance runner at school level. When asked if this would be bad for Indian cricket in general, he replied “Look – if guys like me play on the team, we'll surely lose. Anyway, the team keeps losing. What does it matter which particular group of eleven players loses?”, prompting nods of agreement from reporters chewing on bars of chocolate.

The other major policy to emerge from the meeting also involves team selection – the controversial recommendation to introduce reservations for backward classes.

“We have recommended that 27% of the places in the national team should be reserved for the backward classes. Only then they will improve”, said BCCI president Sharad Pawar, slyly refusing to elaborate on whether the 'improvement' would be seen in the Backward Classes or the Indian team. When asked to explain further, he said “. . . er . . .well . . .ah . . .”, before leaving in a hurry.

“Reservation for backward classes? Well, what do you expect? They are the BC – CI, aren't they?”, quipped Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, showing that he has not lost his penchant for quick-witted repartee.

“Great. I'll be glad to see 2.97 players in every playing eleven from the underprivileged sections of society.”, exclaimed noted maths personality Sheela Shankar, displaying her flair for precise calculations. She also dismissed the possibility that ensuring correct fractional representation from BCs was difficult, arguing that parts of certain players such as Yuvraj Singh's brain and Sachin Tendulkar's elbow, are only fractionally present in the team anyway.

Support for the reservation policy also came, unexpectedly, from the West Indies, with writer B.C.Pires and team captain B.C.Lara expressing their solidarity.

Former England cricketer Gladstone Small, snapped in a happy mood moments before learning the disastrous news that he was short listed for being coach of the Indian team.

In other news, the much discussed short-list for India's next coach includes a surprise new entry – former England opening bowler Gladstone Small. “Indian cricket needs to think big and get Small!”, said a smug BCCI secretary Niranjan Shah, thrilled at his punning skills. “At least, if he fails, the media can't ask for his neck!”, he added, giggling idiotically.

Other recommendations that have been made by the group of former captains include junior team tours to countries like Australia, team tours to junior countries like Canada, junior Australians and Canadian tourists.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Indian Cricketers Seek Irish Citizenship in Desperate Bid to Play Super 8s.

by Anand Ramachandran, in between gulps of beer

In a cunning and daring move, several members of the Indian cricket team have hastily applied for Irish citizenship in the hope that they will be able to represent Ireland in the latter stages of the Cricket World Cup, from which India was eliminated in the first round.

Anil Kumble, all decked up in green, appeals to the Irish Government to grant him citizenship.

“I think it's a great idea. This way, we can finally achieve our dream of getting tonked by all the top cricketing nations in the Super 8 stage, where we truly belong.”, said Irishman-to-be Sachin Tendulkar, grinning evilly at press persons gathered to hear the announcement.

Apparently, the applications of the Indian players are being fast-tracked to enable them to qualify for the team before the Super 8 matches begin. “Thanks to our newly introduced Tatkal scheme, we can process the applications and have the necessary papers ready by lunchtime”, said Pavan Kachibatla, chief executive of the Board for Creating Citizenship for Indians (BCCI), and strangely, also of

A spokesman for the Irish Government said, in between gulps of beer, that his Government was delighted to offer citizenship to the Indian players, and did not consider it unfair to the present Irish cricketers. “Look, mate, we're going to get our butts kicked by the big boys of cricket anyway. So how does it matter if there are some Indian players in this sorry, losing side? Doesn't change a thing for either team.”, he said, quite reasonably.

Sources have revealed that several of the Indian players are also changing their names for the occasion, resulting in names such as O'Ganguly, O'Tendulkar, and O'Dhoni. “This shouldn't be a problem. They've been regularly adding Os against their names for years”, quipped Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, adding a touch of his trademark tongue-in-cheek humour before leaving for Bristol once again.

“Brilliant! Whoever said that the Indians lacked strategic and tactical thinking?”, said Sunil Gavaskar, before adding “Australia sucks! England sucks! Oops – sorry!”

“Well, at least now we can say that we beat Pakistan again at the World Cup. Heh, Heh.”, pointed out coach Greg Chappell, clutching at straws as usual.

“We're focussing on the processes. Once the processes are taken care of, the results will take care of themselves.”, said Indian captain Rahul Dravid, pointing frenziedly at some Power Point slides. When questioned on why this thinking had failed to deliver results, he retorted “What do you mean? Of course we've produced results. They may be bad results, but they're results all the same.”

“Yay! I'm so happy, I feel like showing my . . . “, squealed a delighted Mandira Bedi, before abruptly deciding that perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to imitate Dilip Vengsarkar after all. She also reiterated that she was happy that there would be more matches featuring her favourite players, so she could continue to do what she does best - wear bizarre clothes, annoy viewers and cut off Charu Sharma in mid-sentence - for a few more weeks.

Harbhajan Singh was not available for comment, as he had rushed off in the direction of the Sheraton Towers the moment he learned that he was to report in Dublin.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Delighted fans celebrate Indian win by building house for Sehwag, printing out posters of Yuvraj, Tendulkar.

by Anand Ramachandran, who recently demolished a neat lunch.

Reacting to India's world record batting performance against Bermuda on Monday, delighted and retarded fans all over the country showed their appreciation by building houses for their favourite cricketers, printing out their posters, and dressing up in ugly clothes.

“When the players do badly, we show our anger by demolishing their property, burning their posters, and dressing up in ugly clothes. So this is only fair.”, said one of the young fans, quite reasonably.

Cricket fans in Najafgarh, looking eerily like the inbred primates who demolished Dhoni's property in Ranchi, dress up in ugly clothes and reject an initial design for a new house for opener Virender Sehwag.

A mob of fans in Virender Sehwag's hometown of Najafgarh took to the streets, and frenziedly began building him a palatial house on a plot of land they forcibly grabbed from its lawful owner. “Sehwag is our hero – he has scored a great hundred and given us joy. So it is only logical that we build him a house with our own hands”, screamed a delirious guy named Singh. “ We are passionate about cricket!”, raved a delirious guy named Mohan Kumar, who happens to be a spokesman (don't we love 'em) for the Fans Association of Najafgarh South (F.A.N.S.).

Excited fans elsewhere in the country celebrated by printing out hundreds of posters of their heroes, prominently Yuvraj Singh and Sachin Tendulkar, and waving them about like so many intoxicated langurs. “Damn, my printer is all out of yellow”, said a downcast Nishraj Gurung, looking at his magenta-tinted poster of Sourav Ganguly.

“Damn! I got only 29. Hope they'll at least build me a DUPLO truck.”, said wicketkeeper M.S.Dhoni. “It's also easier to take apart when I fail with the bat”, he pointed out usefully.

“I'm so happy, I feel like showing my tits! Just like when we won in South Africa! ”, said a visibly excited chairman of selectors Dilip Vengsarkar. He also pointed out that this wouldn't be the first time that the event has occured. “ People first saw my nipples in that 'Vigil Soap' ad when I was a cricketer, so it's no big deal.”, he quipped, with the easy assurance of a veteran porn star. Vengsarkar signed off by expressing his delight at joining the exclusive club of cricket-based personalities such as Andrew Flintoff and Sourav Ganguly (whose chests have been featured prominently on television), and Mandira Bedi (whose prominent chest has been featured on television).

Delighted fans, upset with the quality of the grainy and magenta tinted inkjet printout, burn a poster of Saurav Ganguly while waiting for a new ink cartridge (not in picture).

Apparently, a group of fans from Ranchi (or Rajkot. Or Khadakvasala. Our research is admittedly weak.) are planning to dress up in ugly clothes, travel to Bermuda and demolish the house of Bermuda captain Irvin Romaine, who was out without scoring in Monday's game. When asked for a reason, one of them grabbed the mike and (after double checking whether his hair resembled that of Shah Rukh Khan closely enough) yelled “We're passionate about cricket!”.

“I think the boys played very well. We need to control the controllables. We need to vary the variables. We need to determine the determinants.”, warbled Indian captain Rahul Dravid, delighted to be given another opportunity to spout his beloved corporate sounding nonsense.

“It's a typical knee-jerk reaction. What happens if we win the tournament? Will these morons build a skyscraper for Sachin? A dormitory for Dravid? An igloo for Irfan? A urinal for Uthappa?”, quipped noted Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, displaying his talent for alliteration.

There was no comment from the Pakistan contingent, as they have been asked to speak only in Urdu, to promote tourism.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Rexona to sponsor cricket 'Underarm World Cup'.

by Anand Ramachandran, who bowls a rather deceptive underarm googly.

World famous deodorant brand Rexona has announced that they will be sponsoring cricket's first 'Underarm World Cup' to be held in early 2008.

“Since we've always been closely associated with underarms, we felt that this would be a great way for our brand to be associated with the game of cricket.”, said an overpaid, slightly balding MBA representing the company.

Teams competing in the tournament will have to bowl only underarm deliveries, unlike in regular cricket matches. The ICC will temporarily alter the rules for the duration of the tournament, so that the matches would count as official ODIs, and everyone would make lots of money.

Apart from the major cricket playing nations, the ICC also plans to include teams from cricketing minnows such as Togo, The Solomon Islands, Mexico, Tajikistan and even from countries such as Synfravia and The United Republic of Firosco, which do not actually exist. “Wherever there are underarms, there's a neat profit to be made”, said Lalit Modi, quite accurately, and out of turn as usual.

Players from Synfravia and The United Republic of Firosco at a practice match to prepare themselves for the Underarm World Cup, from which they will make quick exits when they are hopelessly outclassed by sides like South Africa and Sri Lanka.

“Yay!”, said India coach Greg Chappell. “Being the only coach with actual experience in underarm cricket, I can be assured of success!”, signing off with an evil laugh, and giving hope to a billion Indians (a number hotly disputed by Nirmal Shekhar).

“Yippee!”, said Lasith Malinga. “My action will finally look acceptable! Too bad I can't say the same about my hairstyle!”, he said, displaying a refreshing sense of self-deprecating humour.

“We have to believe in ourselves. We have to perform to potential. Maximum retail price $112/- in the USA and Canada only.”, said New Zealand captain Stephen Fleming, reading out random bits from his favourite self-improvement book.

“This is the stupidest idea ever. What next? Single side stumping? Full covering? ”, quipped a characteristically sceptical Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, inadvertently giving the ICC a few more bad ideas to implement.

Rexona has also announced plans to shoot several new distasteful and annoying commercials showing how the deodorant could help players 'appeal with confidence' – which will be screened with maddening regularity during the telecast.

One of the advertisements from Rexona's new cricket based campaign, featuring the underarms of champion spinner Anil Kumble.

In Chennai, a few men have filed a suit in the High Court, claiming that the tournament organisers had stolen the idea from an obscure game they called 'crocker'. When asked to wait outside the courtroom for a few minutes, they screamed “No waits in crocker!” in unison, before frantically running off sideways.

Sanka graphics will be the associate sponsor of the tournament, for some strange reason.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Loss in South Africa a 'Team Effort' – Chappell

by Anand Ramachandran, who feels that the Indians truly Test cricket's patience.

Indian cricket team coach Greg Chappell has described the sound thrashing received at the hands of Graeme Smith's South Africans as a 'complete team effort' and said that every team member contributed his bit to the result.


Greg Chappell and Rahul Dravid have graciously declined to take all the credit for the debacle in South Africa, giving due credit to the combined efforts of the entire Indian team (not in picture)

“All the ingredients were there – scatterbrained batting, toothless bowling and miserable fielding. We were equally hopeless in all departments, and it took a collective effort to lose initiative in every pivotal moment of the series.”, he said, showing his flair for 'lateral thinking' and Edward-De-Bono gobbledygook.

“Sachin and Rahul led the way with that dead-bat, dead-brain session on the fourth day, Laxman and Zaheer contributed vital run-outs, the tail crumbled when it really mattered. Almost all the batsmen put their hands up and played dreadful cricket at some point during the series, and often when it truly made a big difference to the game. Jaffer chipped in with that awful pull shot in the second test, Sehwag was splendidly off-form throughout. ” he pointed out to a perplexed looking group of reporters.

“Only Sourav Ganguly, as usual, didn't contribute anything of significance to the debacle.” he said with practiced ease, and a sly smile.

“And though the bowlers in general were quite good, they really came to the party when South Africa really needed them to bowl badly. I thought Kumble's contribution by bowling that ineffective leg-stump line into the rough on the final day was particularly significant. Munaf Patel came into this match with an injury, and ran in and bowled as well as you could expect a half-fit bowler to do.” he continued inexplicably.

Captain Rahul Dravid was also of the opinion that the whole team worked well together to pull off an incredible defeat. “ We can take away a lot of positives from the tour. It's not very easy to lose a three test series after being one-nil up, and especially after being 150-odd for no loss on the first session of the decisive game, but I think we've managed very well. Not every team can do this consistently, and I think we can go back home believing that we've done something truly special and hard to match.”, he said, in his trademark voice that sounds like a bamboo flute with the bass turned all the way up.

When former captain Sourav Ganguly was asked for a comment, he simply said “I prefer to let my bat do the talking.” “Yay! Dada's going to be captain again!”, said his bat, dutifully.

“South Africa rules. Asian teams are useless. I can tolerate Makhaya Ntini as long as he keeps taking wickets.”, bleated Barry Richards, delighted at the whiteness of, among other things, his unusually large teeth.

“The western countries always act too high and mighty. Who do they think they are?”, said Sunil Gavaskar, unable to steer his thoughts away from his usual anti-west ranting.

For once, Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar was speechless. “ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . “ he said excitedly.

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