Friday, November 10, 2006

World's First Live 'Science Experiments Concert' a Big Success.

by Anand Ramachandran, with a nod to Samar Bagchi and Partha Ghosh

It was a concert like no other –a huge crowd at Kolkata's renowned Salt Lake stadium thoroughly enjoyed the first ever live 'Science Experiments Concert', where assorted scientists, professors, lab assistants and students performed a series of dull experiments, recorded their observations, and collected lab fees.

The show, titled 'Aim, Apparatus, Procedure', was the first in a planned series of concerts where performers from subjects such as Applied Physics, Chemistry, Pure Math, Microbiology, Agriculture, Meteorology and Geology will enthrall nationwide audiences by carefully observing controlled environments, gathering empirical evidence to prove random theories,and cooking-up fake data to compensate for faulty apparatus.


A scientist, in front of wildly cheering fans, performs a simple chemistry experiment, and writes down his observations.

The concert began with a performance by Dr.M.S.Swaminathan, who got the crowd on their feet when he peered through a microscope and scribbled furiously into a notebook. He followed up by figuring out a couple of formulations for increasing the potency of potash-based fertilisers, before ending his act with a complex experiment that involved the use of some beakers with coloured liquids, a round-bottomed flask, and numerous large files.

Dr.Sheela Shankar followed up with a scintillating display of mental math as she wrestled with the daunting task of finding the next mersenne prime number, to chants of 'Mn = 2n − 1, Mn = 2n − 1' from a vociferous audience . She also treated the crowd to an impromptu lecture that proved beyond
doubt that eating large quantities of lady's finger (okra to friends)would dramatically improve mathematical ability in humans.

The highlight of the evening was when Prof. B.K.Shinde, after delighting the cheering crowd with the popular 'Pile of Plates' experiment combined with a hi-tech laser show, performed a thrilling stage dive to demonstrate the effects of gravity.


Members of the enthusiastic crowd raise their hands for a chance to give the answer to a challenging maths conundrum that would have stumped Salman Khan. (not in picture).

“I've always maintained that our scientists and academicians offer tremendous entertainment value. Here's proof.”, said scientist-president Dr.A.P.J.Abdul Kalam. He also expressed the hope that the organisers would next time take special efforts to involve thousands of disinterested schoolchildren in the event - so that security and logistics could pose more of a nightmare.

“This is great – science is being finally being recognised as a performing art.”, said A.V.Balasubramanian, a keen advocate of science since his school days. “Of course, it is”, he countered when faced with scepticism from others at the gathering. “ You perform experiments. You perform tests. Even in science exams, performance is what really counts, isn't it?”, he asked, winning the argument with practiced ease.

This has given fresh impetus to the age-old debate of “Science - Art or Science?”, throwing up a whole new set of arguments.

“If science is an art, then Kenny G's music is jazz!” said Jai Shankar Iyer, sworn man of science and jazz, but not necessarily in that order.

“Heavy metal. Hard rock. Lots of chemicals. Performers with weird hairstyles. This is just like any regular concert! ”, said Bipin Das, wearing a T-shirt that said 'PLUTONIUM. THORIUM. BISMUTH' in large, blood-soaked letters.

“This is against our culture! We are against all western concepts like sex, drugs, art, and science! ” screamed a Shiv Sena member, making a quick exit before anyone could ask him for further explanations.

However, most of the feedback the event has generated has been very positive.

“I think it's a good way to get young people interested in Science” said noted science lover Abitha Anand, taking time off from her meeting with wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar. “It's certainly more entertaining than 'Quest'. What a blade THAT was!”, agreed Saravanakumar, himself a qualified biologist, while admitting that he always supported the “Bose Team” against the “Einstein Team”.

“This science stuff is really cooooool! I wonder why I've never heard of it's before!”, cooed an excited Priyanka Chopra. When asked why she liked science, she replied “ Because . . y'know, it's like, so cooool! Y'know – it's. . .um . . very . . well, it's cooool!”, and giggled as if she had said something funny, let alone coherent.

Organisers are also relieved that the event passed off peacefully – without any disturbances involving shocked professors, angry cops or Rakhi Sawant.

The success of 'Aim, Apparatus,Procedure' has, as usual, spawned of a number of similar entertainment ideas, including live telecasts of company audits, ramp walks featuring IAS officers, and a reality show based on the daily life of vice-president Bhairon Singh Shekhawat.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Vijay to Focus Only On Meaningless Roles

by Anand Ramachandran, who is a friend of a close friend of Vijay Saar.

Tamil film actor Vijay has expressed his desire to work only with directors who can offer him truly meaningless, shallow and generic roles.

“Some actors don't mind doing only exciting and challenging films day after day, dealing with countless intelligent scripts, demanding directors, and discerning audiences. But I've never really been interested in that sort of thing.”, he said, confirming something the public has known for years. “ I much prefer picking and choosing my roles – hereafter I will consider only those with the highest levels of idiocy, truly contrived situations, moronic dialogues and overall worthlessness.”, he blabbered, before finally giving his mind a well-deserved (and much needed) rest.


Tamil film star Vijay clearly demonstrates why he is different from more 'serious' performers like Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro, who seem delighted that he is quite unlike them.

Sources close to the actor have revealed that Vijay was frustrated with audiences who were increasingly only interested in watching films with skillful acting, engaging screenplays, good music, and dialogues written by fully-functional adults. “He's upset with the way things are going. He's concerned that a few years from now, nobody will be interested in watching films with precious little substance and no lasting value.”, said G.Senthil, a close personal friend and regular dinner companion.

“It's time we took more initiative to promote the kind of empty-headed, retarded drivel that we all really believe in. We understand that audiences may have a need for quality films, but we must draw a line somewhere! , said Vijay's father and noted director-producer S.A.Chandrasekhar. “Take that, Maddy!”, he growled, punching the air with his fist.

The announcement has led to mixed reactions among the film industry, critics and fans.

“He has taken the right decision. Every actor should concentrate on what his skills are best suited to. I wish I had such professional integrity and courage to refrain from needless experimentation”, said an unusually candid Kamal Haasan (Grand to friends), carelessly admitting to one of his several flaws (minus-points to friends).

“Although I do wish that he would move his lips just a bit more. It's eerie the way he speaks - like a ventriloquist who doesn't throw his voice.”, he added, before leaving to sign a brand new project in which he plays an evil wizard, a one-legged used car salesman, and a dark brown suitcase.

“Well, to each his own. I'm the sort who prefers more cerebral roles which give me a chance to show my acting ability”, said biker-actor Ajith, sending those present into howls of helpless laughter. “What? Whaaaat?”, he asked, taking off his helmet to get a better view of the gathering.

“Huh? Ewr . . who, me?”, offered Prashanth, mildly disoriented that anyone bothered to ask him for an opinion.

Vijay fans are delighted with the news. “Thank God! Now we don't have to see our Vijay Saar in blade, slow-moving films in which he is an embarrasing misfit – like Rajnikanth in 'Shri Raghavendra'.”, said lifelong fan Vishal Thyagarajan (no relation to Prashanth). Interestingly, hardcore film critics are pleased for the exact same reason.

“Let's just hope that he doesn't enter politics. Or for that matter, wildlife”, said wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, shuddering at the thought of Vijay, dressed in a wine-red suit, performing quick dance moves in the Kalakkad-Mundanthurai Tiger Reserve.

Silambarasan (Simbhu to friends, if any) was not available for comment, as he had reportedly gone to Barista, in the vain hope of bolstering his coolness factor by pretending to strum that silly guitar, and periodically looking around to see if anyone notices.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Indian Union Ministers to Undergo New ' Swearing - At ' Ceremony.

by Anand Ramachandran, under the influence of nothing at all

Continuing the recent trend of major innovations in the Indian Government, the traditional 'Swearing In' ceremony to introduce new union ministers will be replaced by a brand-new 'Swearing At' ceremony, Government sources revealed last week. The new procedure will also be implemented for State Governments as well.

"I've always looked forward to Swearing At the Prime Minister and his cabinet at the end of a long, tedious election. So this is an innovation I'm going to enjoy.", said Dr. A.P.J.Abdul Kalam, President of India, licking his lips in anticipation. Governors all over the country have expressed their approval of the new procedure as well. "It's most important to Swear At the entire bunch of ministers in right earnest, so that they may remember to discharge their duties to the best of their abilities.", said Mr.S.S.Barnala, Governor of Tamil Nadu, trying not to sound too excited. "Hehehehe - finally, these ministers will get what they deserve!", he said, failing miserably in his earlier objective.

Thanks to the newly constituted 'Swearing-At' ceremony, President Dr.A.P.J.Abdul Kalam need no longer mutter under his breath when meeting with ministers, as seen in this photograph.

According to the new procedure, all the ministers will be required to stand in a line before the President. One by one, they will then step forward and prepare to be sworn at. The President will then administer some well-chosen oaths (notably in Punjabi, but Tamil, English and some South American languages will figure prominently as well, we were assured), which the ministers will be required to repeat word for word. It's all going to be jolly good fun, if the early rumours are to be believed.

"The key is in the wording of the oaths", said world-famous swearing specialist Tony Chacko. Apparently, the oaths that are to be used in the Swearing At are being prepared by a hand-picked team of internationally renowned specialists, including Chris Rock, Glenn McGrath, and R.Parthiban. Poornam Vishwanathan has also been roped in to add some Tam-Brahm flavour, contributing words like 'Moodhevi', 'Dharidharam' 'Ayyayyo' and 'Sheniyan' into the mix. Sources have also revealed that Kamal Haasan was overlooked for a place on the panel, because the international experts felt that there was no longer any use for the oath 'Bloody Blackguards'.

Predictably, politicians have opposed the idea. "It's all that @#$#@ing Karunanidhi's fault! Now we have to be sworn at by that senile Sardarji!", yelled an angry AIADMK leader Dr.J.Jayalalitha, making her debut on Son of Bosey. "It's all that @#$$#%@@ woman's fault! F-A-U-L-T fault.", screamed a livid Tamil Nadu Chief Minister Dr.M.Karunanidhi, spelling out the last word for the benefit of his partymen, and any six year olds in the vicinity. "Yippee! I'm in the previous article! $$#@ing Hey!", grinned an excited DMDK leader, and potential Offense Minister Vijaykanth, skirting the main issue as always.

Some party leaders have, however, welcomed the move. "It's a good idea. Better be sworn at by the President than by the general public.", reasoned N.Chandrababu Naidu, drawing from his rich personal experience in the field.

Dr.Subramanian Swamy was unperturbed by the development. "Anyway there's no possibility of me being anywhere near the Government in the near future. So I'm cool", he reasoned nervously. "Shit! Another four! India will lose unless we bowl a better line and length", he added, saying his first sensible thing in about twenty-two years.

"This has never happened before in any country.", said Nandini Reddy, displaying her keen knowledge of world history. " What next? Introduce swearing into schools? Harrumph!", she barked, unaware that this was already done by stalwarts like Ganshyam Dave and S.Kumar several years ago.

Several groups have objected, saying that there should be no room for obscenities in parliament. However, Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar was quick to differ. "Why Not? We've been having politicians in parliament for years.", he pointed out, causing the protesters to disperse quickly, hastily tucking their newly bought copies of 'The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari' under their arms.

In related news, the BCCI has received a number of e-mail requests to introduce a similar procedure for the members of the Indian cricket team.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Government of India to Appoint Offense Minister.

by Anand Ramachandran, with thanks to Vishal, who celebrates his birthday today, depending on which day you're reading this.

In a shock announcement, the Government of India has confirmed that they will soon be appointing the nation's first ever 'Offense Minister'.

"After a careful evaluation of the global and regional political situation, and keeping in mind the nation's best interests, we have come to the conclusion that it's time to kick some ass." said a safari-suit clad spokesman from the PMO. " And as you well know, ass-kicking, especially on a global scale, cannot be executed by a mere Defence minister. Offense is the need of the hour.", he added.

Vijaykanth (Gap-Tian to friends and admirers), prepares for the coveted Offense Minister post by priming his ultimate weapon - facial hair. Don't believe us? Here.

"Cross border terrorism must be dealt with severely! The General thinks he looks soooo damn tough in his fatigues, eh? Well, eat THIS, Mushie! Tee Hee Hee!", giggled a nervous Shivraj Patil.

"Offense is the best form of defence!", said Ravi Shastri, delighted to be able to use one of his cliches in a situation other than a cricket match. "Emphasizing defense all my cricketing life got me nothing but chants of 'Hai Hai' and endless stupid jokes. Offense is the way to go.", he admitted candidly.

The search is on for the right candidate. "We need someone who is tough and intimidating. Between you and me, I don't think cross-border terrorists are going to quake in their boots at the sight of A.K.Antony!", winked Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh. Early indicators point towards a clutch of favourites for the job - the frontrunners include M.S.Dhoni, Vijaykanth and several high-school geometry teachers named Mrs.Abraham.

A certain section of the Congress party is actively promoting the candidacy of Chuck Norris. " Have you seen Walker, Texas Ranger? Delta Force? Chuck's the man! India's enemies, beware! Ready! Steady! Go!", yelled Ghulam Nabi Azad, losing the plot in all the excitement. "No problem. Been there. Done that.",he replied smugly to those who asked how he would deal with drumming up support for entrusting a foreigner with such an important post.

Expectedly, the Southern states are showing a definite preference for Vijaykanth. "No one can do a better job of intimidation than the Gap-Tian.", said an intense Bindhumalini Narayanaswamy, one of those who has sworn a blood-pact to serve Vijaykanth until death. "He has shown his commitment to the country on several occasions, notably in Gajendra, Narasimma and Vanchinathan!", she pointed out. "Even Americans have realized the value of screen heroes, when they appointed Arr-nauld as governor.", said Hui-Apps, confirming the popular conception that most people in South India are on first-name terms with Mr.Schwarzenegger. "Machan, pudhu Arr-nauld padam paathiya?", he asked,out of force of habit.

" Well, I don't know - I'll probably go with Dhoni", said wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, recently returned from Bristol. " Once he teams up with Dr.Kalam, we'll be the only country that has two prominent leaders with fashionably long hair.", he said, providing a rock-solid argument as always.

In related news, newly appointed External Affairs Minister Pranab Mukherjee is reportedly quite disappointed with his new job. "EXTERNAL Affairs? But I thought it was . . . ", he trailed off, looking forlornly at a picture of Angelina Jolie.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Deccan Chronicle to Drop News Coverage Altogether.

by Anand Ramachandran, who insists he reads DC because of its 'superior sports coverage'.

Leading Chennai newspaper Deccan Chronicle has revealed plans to drop news coverage altogether in the coming months.

“Yes. It's true. We intend to cut out all the frivolous nonsense like politics, finance, science and sports so that we can focus on strengthening our paper's core content like Angelina Jolie's fuel bills (and, of course, those of her adopted four-year old son Maddox), blurry photographs of celebrity pets and Vasundhara Singh's birthday party”, said a spokesman for the paper.

Leading newspaper Deccan Chronicle, not to be outdone by the HINDU, shows off its very own redesign.

“That will teach those blade idiots at 'THE HINDU' – them and their silly redesign. Mario Garcia my ass!', he muttered smugly.

The move is apparently intended as a marketing strategy – to distance the Chronicle from more serious, news oriented publications like THE HINDU, India TODAY, Southeykai Sarati and Son of Bosey.

However, sceptics have a different view. “Now they no longer need to hire highly paid reporters. Just an internet connection, some young photographers and a party-goer who can remember names – and Bob's your uncle. Much cheaper.”, said wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, hitting the nail on the head as always.

“Ha ha! That's the second time these Son of Bosey idiots have poked fun at a company with the word 'Deccan' in its name.”, pointed out an unusually observant Sankalesh Jimmy, quickly hatching a plan for a get-rich-quick lawsuit.

But sources at the Chronicle insist that politics and science don't interest people anymore. “Our research reveals that an overwhelming majority of people would rather see the cleavages of Heather Locklear or Bipasha Basu than those of Kapil Sibal or M.S.Swaminathan. Hence proved.”, said an important looking man in a brown suit.

"In any case, our readers are less interested in what we cover, and more interested in what we uncover. Heh, heh.", quipped Sanjay B., a key investor in the newspaper.

Readers of the Chronicle can now look forward to more pages dedicated to content that will appeal to the paper's core audience. A press release from DC (Wah! A press relesase by the press themselves!), revealed a preview of some of the planned regular features that will be appearing in the paper :

Cleaning Liquids of the Rich and Famous – Every week, one celebrity will reveal the exciting details of the soaps and detergents they use at home to keep things squeaky clean.

Party Crasher – Chronicle photographers enter parties they aren't invited to, and take pictures of the guests, domestic staff and furniture from weird angles, mistakenly assuming that people will be thrilled to look at drab pictures of drab events that they were lucky enough not to be at.

Sexed-Up Su-Do-Ku – In their crazed efforts to give sex appeal to every square inch of DC, the editors present a new take on the annoyingly popular Su-Do-Ku puzzle. Instead of boring old grids and numbers, the puzzle will now simply feature a blurred picture of a swimsuit model downloaded from the net. At last, all those who are too dumb to solve Su-Do-Ku can now enjoy the popular craze.

Innovative as ever, Deccan Chronicle reinvents SuDoKu to suit the tastes of its readers.

Angelina Jolie Watch – Every issue of the paper will now feature three separate articles on the Tomb-Raider bombshell, instead of the current count of just one. There will also be a special section dedicated to Maddox, and, if there's some space left over, to Brad Pitt and the rest of the gang . .er . .family.

Party Crasher II – Complete coverage of all the parties over the weekend that were cancelled due to rain. Or floods. Or lack of guests.

The announcements were made at a lavish party hosted by Deccan Chronicle, which was attended by an assortment of people whom the DC photographers mistook for celebrities. Among those spotted having a good time were random folk with names like Sanjeev, Anita, Asif and Sheela.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

ICC, BCCI Pledge to Work Together to Completely Ruin Cricket by 2008.

by Anand Ramachandran, who thinks Charu Sharma should take up space travel. Or even space residence. As long as he doesn't take up space on TV.

The ICC and BCCI have decided to set aside their well-publicised differences, and will work together with the common goal of continuous and total degradation of the game by 2008, according to a joint press release from the two organisations.

ICC Chief Malcolm Speed, seen here stoutly refusing to listen to any ideas that may actually improve cricket, has pledged to work with the BCCI to the complete detriment of the game worldwide.

“Yes, it's true. There are plenty of crappy ideas and idiotic schemes on the anvil at both the ICC and the BCCI, so it only makes sense to team up. Both organisations are deeply committed to screwing up cricket as much as possible.”, said ICC chief executive Malcolm Speed, defying logic as usual.

Among the more radical steps being taken is the aggressive promotion of book-cricket at both domestic and international level in all cricket playing countries. “We have discovered through our deep research that shorter is better – twenty-twenty is more popular than LOIs, which are more popular than boring old Tests. Hence book-cricket, which may last anywhere between fifteen minutes to an hour per match, is ideal for spectators”, said a marketing weasel in a grey suit. “What's more, we can sell advertising on every single page of the book that's being used, especially if it's a large book, like that latest Harry Potter novel.”, he added, looking slightly unsure of himself. He also said that book cricket would eliminate bowlers altogether, something that cricket administrators have been trying to do for years.

“We like large totals, and batsmen with big knocks, who are skilled hookers!”, gushed BCCI Vice-President Lalit Modi. “We plan on introducing concepts like last-man gauge, full covering, single-side stumping and waitees, and eliminate useless rules like lbw, so that we can see more runs being scored, just like the public wants.”, he said. “We want . . .sixer! We want . . . sixer! Guns and fookin Ro-ses! Guns and fookin Ro-ses!”, he added, jumping up and down like a crazed rabbit.

Cricket coverage on television is also set for a major revamp. “ We'll do away with all the stuff nobody watches – blade analyses, stupid pitch reports, Charu Sharma – and replace it with something that appeals to everyone : cleavage! People with Tata Sky can watch from different angles!”, said Maarten Visser, a spokesman for the BCCI's marketing division. “We're going to put the 'broad' back into 'cricket broadcasting'!”, he said with a wink. He also said that the TV networks are working on software that will allow them to show advertisements in between the bowler's delivery strides.

Thanks to support from the BCCI, Mandira Bedi will continue to display cleavage and ignorance in equal measure on TV screens all over the world.

Reliable sources have revealed that the ICC is also planning to streamline cricket, and make it more marketable to people in places like the USA, Equatorial Guinea, and the Asteroid #drd701-b (although they will thankfully continue to ignore New Zealand). This may involve ridding the game of extraneous and unnecessary elements like the drinks break, the toss, and mid-off.

Not to be outdone, Kapil Dev has jumped into the fray, taking up the bowlers' cause. “It's important that there strike balance of bat and ball. I recommend use of 'rubber-cork' balls and we must introduce rules of help the bowler – like one-pitch catch, wall catch, and 'current' for run-outs.”, he said, forgetting his RAPIDEX based English grammar momentarily. Apparently, the former captain plans to set up academies all over the country to teach the nuances of 'Rude Bowling'. He will be assisted by Dharma.

“We hope that all our initiatives will help completely destroy cricket as a sport, and convert it into a happy, colourful Mela – so that we can all be happy!”, beamed an excited BCCI president Sharad Pawar. “Shut Up! Eat cake!”, he said cheerfully to a group of concerned cricket fans nearby.

Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, a keen cricketer himself, was not happy with the state of affairs. “These developments are really going to test cricket! Let's hope the game will emerge stronger one day!”, he quipped with a grin, wisely deciding against adding “ Hindsight is always twenty-twenty!”

Sunday, October 15, 2006

New Film on V.V.Giri sparks off 'Giri-Giri' craze.

by Anand Ramachandran, especially for Mrs.Sheila Inbaraj.

In the wake of the nationwide 'GandhiGiri' mania caused by the hugely successful 'Lagey Raho Munnabhai', comes a brand new craze that is sweeping across India – 'Giri-Giri', inspired by low-profile former president V.V.Giri.

The sensation has apparently been sparked off by a rather sedate, 45 minute documentary on the rather sedate Dr.Giri called, quite appropriately “The V.V.Giri Story”, by young filmmaker Jai Shankar Iyer. “ I never really expected it to take off quite like this.”, said a visibly emotional Iyer. “Let's hope Giri-Giri can transform the nation in the same way Gandhi-Giri did. Booyakasha!”, he added, surprising those present with an impromptu Ali-G impersonation.

“It's inexplicable! People all over India are suddenly solving their personal problems by attending blade meetings, shaking hands with random diplomats, signing assorted papers, and supporting Bangladesh – just like Dr.Giri would.”, said an excited Priya Krishnan, making her second appearance on Son of Bosey.

Among the many products introduced to cash in on the Giri-Giri craze are an autobio-graphic novel, V.V.Giri action figures, and downoadable ringtones based on the former president's more memorable speeches (not in picture).

In addition, it has been reported that a disturbingly large number of people are suddenly becoming slightly balding, middle aged men who look mildly like batman. (What? Whaaaat?!? Oh, really? Just look at the picture. Hah!)

“Actually, I wonder how his name can be V.V.Giri?”, asked renowned wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, currently in Bristol for the WildScreen film festival. “Technically, his name is VenkataGiri VarahaGiri, and can only be shortened to V.Giri V.Giri, or maybe V(Giri+Giri).”, he explained, displaying his keen analytical mind, and the ability to use concepts of algebra to shorten names.

“Gandhigiri is old hat. Giri-Giri is the new mantra. Laisaalangadi GiriGiri. South Indians love Jangiri!”, yelled an incoherent Koidy, before immersing himself in his copy of 'Hellbrandt Grimm' once more.

Various companies have already moved to cash in on the Giri-Giri sensation by bringing out books, posters, coffee-mugs, comics and videogames based on V.V.Giri. Airtel has also introduced a downloadable ringtone based on his famous speech at the Fourth Commonwealth Law Conference in 1971.

After the success of GandhiGiri and now Giri-Giri, there is an unprecedented interest among Venture Capitalists to fund other freedom-fighter based Giris. Among those rumoured to be in the pipeline are SubramaniaBharathi-Giri, LalaLajpatRaiGiri, and even Khan-Abdul-Gaffar-Khan-Giri.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Typographical Error Causes Government to Launch All-India Copulation Census

by Anand Ramachandran, creator of several award-winning typographical errors.

A comprehensive, and potentially exciting, census has just been launched by the Government of India to gain in-depth information about copulation in different parts of the nation.

Sources reveal that this happy accident is the result of a typing mistake in a memo sent from the Prime Minister's Office to the Census Authority.

“Kindly launch comprehensive census of Indian copulation. Detailed information required.”, reads the memo, which was leaked to the press by the Department of Press Leaks, now a fully ratified Government body.

“Population! Population with a 'P' ! That's what I meant to type!”, yelled the flustered secretary responsible for the error. Thankfully, no-one heard him, and several strategically important find-replace operations later, the census was launched.

One of the newly appointed census officers studies some official documents for India's first copulation census

Apparently, thousands of census officers will have the delightful job of traversing the length and breadth of the country, collecting details on copulation density, copulation distribution, copulation of senior citizens, and NRI copulation. “Yay! At last this job has paid off !”, said a spokesman for the POpulation Resarchers of the Nation (P.O.R.N), which has been hastily renamed to COpulation Researchers of the Nation (C.O.R.N.)

To facilitate the nationwide survey, the Central Government has requested the State Governments to appoint State Express Census Surveyors (SECS), whose main job will be to collect data on Human Biological Bedroom Activity (HUBBA). “ The success of the census will depend on the performance of secs all over the country, and how well they can gather information on nationwide Hubba.”, said Cleveland Shankar, to much enthusiastic clapping from all around.

The announcement of the census has sparked off unpredictable reactions among the general public.

“Haun”, said Chinni Jayanth and Gandhimathi in unison, when asked for their opinion on the issue. Gandhimathi also crinked up her eyes and bit her lower lip for added effect, while Chinni Jayanth simply clapped his hands and looked skywards.

Kapil Dev and Jimmy Amarnath, holding the world cup they won in 1983, express their delight at the announcement of the copulation census

“Everyone knows that copulation is the reason for population. But the minds of youngsters should not be exposed to such pollutation, so to Tamil culture I give my salutation.”, said an excited T.Rajendherr (TR to friends and everyone else), slyly making up words to fit in with his rhyming.

However, the last word, as always, belonged to (all together now) wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar. “ Since the purpose of the census is to 'reveal all', let's hope nothing is kept behind 'closed doors'.”, he quipped with his trademark humour.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Air Deccan Flight Cancelled in Mid-Air!

by Anand Ramachandran, who had to stay an extra day in Bangalore.

Customers of leading low-cost carrier Air Deccan were in for a rude shock when the flight from Chennai to Bangalore was unexpectedly cancelled – in mid-air.

“Attention Passengers”, came the announcement “ Air Deccan regrets to announce that this flight stands cancelled due to technical reasons. We regret the inconvenience”, much to the consternation of all those on board. All passengers were then requested to leave the aircraft, and make alternative arrangements. Complicating matters, while insisting that the passengers de-plane in mid-air so that repairs could be carried out, the crew refused to provide parachutes, jetpacks, or even ladders, sparking off angry reactions.

“We're a low cost carrier. Passengers have no business demanding fancy extras like parachutes, which are an extra cost on our airline – just like mineral water, air-conditioning, and general assistance!”, said a company spokesman, from a secret hideout located at 69, Venkatesan Street, Chennai-17.

“They have no business leaving us in the lurch”, said irate passenger Tariq Akbar, suddenly lurching forward due to turbulence.

“Why is there no responsible official from Air Deccan here answering our questions? There should be some accountability! Ridiculous! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah . . . . . “, said Nandini Reddy, before making an unintentional exit from the aircraft.

Air Deccan's flight attendant dives out of the plane, preferring death over dealing with irate passengers (in hot pursuit)

“I don't see what's the reason to complain! We provide lousy service at very reasonable rates, while other airlines charge heavily for the same thing!”, said Capt.C.R.Gopinath, quite reasonably. “We want to ensure that every Indian has the opportunity to experience the annoyances and inconveniences of air travel that have until now been the privilege of the wealthy.”, he added, lapsing into nonsense once more. He also expressed irritation that most people seemed to wrongly pronounce his carrier's name as Air-Dec-Khan (Rhymes with Shah-Rukh-Khan. Try it – Air-Dec-Khan, Shah-Ruk-Khan, Air-Dec-Khan, Shah-Rukh-Khan. See, it's fun!)

“Low cost carriers are cheating the public, ruining the aviation business, and, most importantly, taking away all our market share!”, yelled an angry Vijay Mallya, revealing the true reasons behind his well-publicized dislike for Air Deccan. “More Beer! More Beer!”, he added, jumping up and down waving his hands maniacally.

Wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar provided the sole voice of reason. “People should realize that Shatabdi is only best. There has never been a major disaster on any Shatabdi to date, not counting P.C.Ramakrishna letting off about the culture of Chennai over the P.A.”, he quipped with a wink.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Bosey's evidence may help in 'Mole' controversy

by Anand Ramachandran, noteworthy mole scientist. Not.

We knew it. We were right! Many years ago, on, our team of intrepid reporters revealed the presence of an international mole gang, with possible operatives in India. You can read that report here.

Now, thanks to Jaswant Singh's perennially open mouth, the whole Mole thing is out in the open (proving that even dweebs like Jaswant Singh have more media reach than Son of Bosey). And everyone from the PMO, to HBO and several BPOs want to know the mole's identity.

The evidence collected by our creative . . er . . investigative team may contain several vital clues as to the identity of the Mole. “Hmmm . . . let's see”, said key investigative youngblood Priya Krishnan, thumbing through a scrapbook full of photographs and mild sauce stains (well? It's an OLD scrapbook, if you must know.) “ There are several possibilities. N.Ram? Manoramma? Aruna Irani? K.R.Vijaya? Who knows? Further scrutiny is required to make a shortlist. Someone needs to take ownership and distribute responsibility to ensure adherence to timelines”, she trailed off, lapsing into more familiar corporate terms when pressurized by eager reporters.

Rober DeNiro was quick to reassure the Indian Government that the suspected mole in the PMO was certainly not his.

“It is well known that international espionage networks communicate through moles”, said non-wildlife photographer Arjun Dogra, filling in for S.U.Saravanakumar, unavailable due to a hectic schedule. “This is why people like Shah Rukh Khan, Navjyot Singh Sidhu and Jai Shankar Iyer are beyond suspicion”, he said, discounting the possibility that the named persons could have moles in other, more discreet places.

Apparently, this Indian concern about naming the mole has confused the international community. “Never thought about naming mine. Interesting idea.”, said world-famous mole owner Robert De Niro. Reliable sources, however, have revealed that Cindy Crawford calls her mole “Wendy”.

Kamal Haasan Continues to Age

by Anand Ramachandran, who also continues to age

World famous acting great Kamal Haasan's ageing process is speeding along merrily, revealed a press release from Raj Kamal films last week. “Kamal is looking olde3r than ever”, beamed a spokesman for the company, somehow managing to use leet in spoken conversation.

A close look at this picture of Kamal reveals wrinkles, sagging skin and evidence of plastic surgery, even on his face!

“Thinning hair – check. Sagging jowls – check. Michael Jackson skin – check.”, said a grinning wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, tongue-in-cheek for once. “I feel he'll shortly begin to resemble Sir Ian McKellen without his Magneto mask.”, he added, making it two invaluable contributions for this article.

Addressing concerns that getting older may prevent the actor from accepting romantic and action-oriented lead roles in the future, noted film critic Sankalesh Jimmy noted “ This hasn't proved to be an obstacle to legends like Dr.Rajkumar, Nageswara Rao, Krishna and the evergreen Chinni Jayanth. So I think Kamal (Grand to friends) is going to be okay”

Grand's (Kamal Haasan's to non-friends) slowly but steadily noticeable ageing process is another indication of an alarming epidemic that seems to have also affected other leading actors Vijaykanth, Tom Hanks and Aamir Khan (who is beginning to look disturbingly like Tom Hanks). The only person completely unaffected by the syndrome appears to be Keith Richards – since science has shown that he cannot possibly get any older.

“Doesn't matter if he's old – I still find him hot.”, said an excited Bindhumalini Narayanaswamy, managing to convey her opinion on Grand and Sean Connery in the same sentence.

Kamal Haasan's comments were too unclear for the Son of Bosey team to comprehend, as they were made in an accent that contained influences from London, Thirunelveli, Burma and The Solomon Islands.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Tamil Regional Parties to Launch Rap Band

by Anand Ramachandran, who is certain to be arrested.

In an innovative and refreshing move to identify with the youth, world-famous political parties DMK and MDMK have come together to launch a Hip-Hop band.

"Yoyoyoyoyo - sssupyall! We're looking at a whole new Tamil Rap sound, youknowwhaammsayin", said an excited Vaiko, the band's frontman, to the shock of those gathered at the launch. "With lyrics by Dr.K., the charisma of Stalin, and media strategery by Daya, we can't go wrong. The youths will love us ya. Yeppadi?", he said, lapsing back into his normal accent and raising one eyebrow for effect.

The members of Run DMK pose in front of millions of fans at their official lunch . . er . . . launch (not in picture).

The band, called Run DMK, will release their first album, tentatively titled "Tentative Title", in December this year. "Everyone knows that December is only music season, hence the date", said their media manager, causing panic among hardcore carnatic fans, who finally make a comeback after the Ambi-Mama article.

"Nonsense! This is against Tamil culture and values!" screamed some random DMK guys, before shutting up when someone reminded them that it was their own leaders who were behind the initiative. Their current whereabouts are not known.

"This is a great effort by stalwarts of Tamil Nadu politics to connect with young voters. Now, at last, the youth will have a reason to bake in the sun for hours and indicate to the nation that they are not lazy jerks." said an unusually passionate S.U.Saravanakumar, noted wildlife photographer.

"Long live classical divine Tamil!", screamed world famous Chennai legend Kaveri Lalchand with practiced ease. " These guys will put the 'DMK' in nightlife", said Prakash Rao, noted nightlife expert.

"Let's hope they keep it clean", quipped the guy who's currently Governor " We don't want it to become an Adult Franchise! Heh heh heh . . . "

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Terrorists surrender in droves after India bans blogs.

Police stations across the country were flooded with messages from various terrorist groups now completely disabled by the ban on blog sites.

“We don’t stand a chance stop India’s technology is too good for us stop We surrender stop” read a telegram from People Using Such Sites Instead of Enlisting Soldiers (P.U.S.S.I.E.S) – a militant outfit responsible for using blogs to convince people to commit suicide by petitioning excessively. In fact there are rumors of mass bunking from more high profile terror groups like the ever unrepentant L.T.T.E.(i) (Letz Terorize The Enternet – in India) who sent their statement via sms. “u hv blked blgs 2day but v’ll brb u c” it read, showing that most terrorists have the same language skills as the average camera phone. "i c u r m t" was the curt reply from the DoT always ready to display their deadly response speeds in these troubled times.

The government however, is thrilled to bits with the unqualified success of CERT (Computer Emergency Response Team) whose only function till recently was to repeatedly install operating systems and salvage data after hard disk crashes.

“No longer will they be allowed to see their journals in reverse chronological order. No longer can they pass off crappy writing as freedom of expression. No longer will they be able to follow the activities of Bikang.” yelled an unruly group of DoT (Dept of Terror) agents as they attempted to set fire to an effigy of “Should it be ‘of' terror’ or ‘for' terror?” mulled the internationally acclaimed wildlife photographer S.U. Saravannakumar, as he polished off several glasses of Longislandiced Tea (LeT) to drown his sorrow at being left out from a Bosey article for the first time.

Meanwhile, happy with their out-of-the-bogs effort, the government of India is also contemplating a ban on the easy availability of white paper and blank CDs too.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Ode to the Automan Empire

by Anand Ramachandran, who discovered this when deleting old backups, and put quick gauge. Don't even remember ever writing this . . .

All these blokes who drive an Auto

seem to be completely blotto.

They never drive you anywhere

without demanding excess fare.

And worst of all, they sometimes will

talk politics to you until

you find their views so unappealing

they give you a queasy feeling.

Wouldn’t life be so much better

if someone put them through a shredder?

Then they’d all be good and dead

and we could take the bus instead.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Join the party, they said. It's a man's life, they said.

The Ragul Maggajan episode has taken a whole new twist with the defense saying that the BJP was responsible for the whole episode. “The police have given our case teeth by classifying cocaine as a party drug. And which party is the accused associated with?” asked a red eyed lawyer as he greedily chomped on a mars bar.

He went on to rant about the psychedelic emblems, clothes and behaviour of the political outfit and their similarity to a Woodstock video in Technicolor. “Bright orange flags, huge pictures of lotuses, screaming men and women wearing saffron headbands, ear splitting music blaring all round, strange sunglasses, body piercing, short term memory loss (STML)… are all part and parcel of political raves in India. Surely Ragul thought he was doing his bit for the party.” he snorted, as a line of cocaine disappeared magically.


Meanwhile, politicians across the country are scrambling to clean up their image and to ratify legislations that clearly re-label cocaine, ecstasy, acid and others as ‘lifestyle’ drugs. The Angry Owners of Lifestyle (AOL) however are not amused especially since a rival super store has started running an anticipatory campaign saying - Shoppers, stop. Don't snort and pop!

On being needlessly dragged into the issue, The Election Commission denied that in the past they had turned down several requests for symbols like a rolled up dollar bill, a spoon and lighter and a lovely, translucent, bluish green bong. “We have not rejected anything. We only asked for more options.” said an EC spokesperson as he tried desperately to reach the world famous S.U Saravannakumar and convince him to take a photo of his mother-in-law against a backdrop of multicoloured sunflowers in army fatigues.

(The ‘don’t trash my car and burn my house’ clause: This is purely a work of friction and is not meant to malign or tarnish the reputation of any political outfit, drug, chocolate bar or mother-in-law. In fact we are quite appreciative of all parties, drugs and chocolates…!)

Monday, May 08, 2006

How Kaavya Viswanathan Got Rich, Got Sued, and Finally, Got on Bosey.

by the evilemperorzeb, who really does exist, hence proved.

Another dramatic twist in the wild life of Kaavya Viswanathan has seen one more lawsuit filed
against the poor little Harvard girl. And this time it’s a biggie.


In addition to the charges leveled by Megan McCafferty, Meg Cabot, Salman Rushdie and Salman Khan, there is now a whole new dimension being added to the story by… yes, The Oxford Press, who are claiming that Kaavya has lifted almost every single word from their best seller – The Oxford English Dictionary.

“The girl has absolutely no ethical sensibility. She has taken almost everything from our book. We know they don’t teach much over there but this is just not cricket.” yelled an unruly bar maid somewhere in Britain.

“Plagiarism is defined in the dictionary as ‘the act or instance of plagiarizing’, and since this such an instance is, she must guilty is be”, yelled an equally unruly Salman Khan mixing up his ignorance of both books with really bad yoda-ism to produce that masterpiece.

“He is just trying to make a fast buck”, punned an unsuspecting Indrabeer, when suddenly offered the third quote on this issue.

Meanwhile, Harvard, the university without its own dictionary, and Merriam Webster’s, the dictionary without its own university, have both denounced this lawsuit as a cheap attempt by a non-American institution to try and copy American legal behaviour. There are reports that their lawyers are attempting to work together and back-sue The Oxford Press for plagiaristic suing.

For Kaavya however, the future looks bleak. The Oxford Dictionary has a total of 59 Million words. She has already used up her ‘double A for luck’ option. And renowned photographer S.U Saravannakumar does not think she looks particularly hot.

In fact the future looks bleak for several others as well. Rumour has it that Sue Susudio, an hitherto unknown housewife on a park bench somewhere in somewhere, is attempting to sue everyone who has ever sued anyone for demeaning the word ‘Sue’… But that’s another story.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Lies continue to do better than Truths in 2006.

by Anand Ramachandran, who is stuck in a traffic jam

A mid-year survey has revealed that there were more lies in public and private utterances than truths, continuing the trend of recent years.

The increasing percentage of untruths in public utterances are clearly demonstrated by this graph (not in picture).
According to a statistician working at the University for Surveying Endless Lies Emerging from Stupid Strangers (USELESS), over 70% of things people said in 2006 (until April), were either not actually meant, half-truths, or complete fabrications.

Apart from traditionally leading lies such as “I'll give you a cheque on Tuesday”, “ I'm held up at an important meeting”, and “ I'll be home in an hour”, which continued to do well, there were several interesting new entrants like “ Of course I've seen Casablanca.”, “ I actually prefer village life” and “ Surely, Ambi Mama. I'll come and visit you in Thanjavur soon.”

Even though truthful statements lagged behind, a few did manage to put up a strong showing, including “That thing? It's too damn expensive”, “Salman Khan is a disgrace to society.” and “I'm sorry, I have no knowledge whatsoever about Feargus Urquhart.”

A USELESS (the University, not the adjective) representative told Son of Bosey “Actually, completing this survey was harder than you might think. We have to pore over millions of utterances and decide whether they are true or not. It's hard to decide if statements like “ Bryan Adams is talented” or “Whack! Whack! Kalaignar!!!!” are truth or lies. And in a scientific environment, guesswork is useless (the adjective, not the University)”.

Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar was unavailable for comment, as he did not turn up at work today, citing a stomach ache as the reason. “These Son of Bosey jokers have to drag my name into everything, even when I'm unavailable! I'll get them someday!”, he said.

Telecom Giant Announces 'Customer Aggravation' Programme.

by Anand Ramachandran, who is certain to pay a hefty fine.

Telecom giant Airtell (note the sly spelling change to avoid problems. Smart.) has announced that they have launched a brand new 'Customer Aggravation Programme' across the length and breadth of the country.

A company spokesman, addressing a press conference, said “We have always listened to our customers' thoughts. When queried, most of them answered that the qualities they associated with our brand are 'irritating', 'annoying' and 'mother blade'. Hence we decided to strengthen our core brand personality by implementing an action plan to reinforce these areas”.

The new ad campaign that will drive Airtel's new Customer Aggravation Programme. The campaign was launched at a glitzy party at one of India's plushest beach resorts, with attendees including Amithabh Bachchan (not in picture), Sachin Tendulkar (not in picture) and Vijay Lokapally (not in invitee list). Click the ad for full size image.

Company sources have claimed that the implementation of the Aggravation programme will not be easy. “It involves training all our call centre executives to make sure that every single customer has the maximum possible difficulty resolving the simplest of issues. We'll start with the basics – ensuring that the customer must carefully explain the problem and supply details such as his name, number, favourite Ajay Devgan moustache, and most memorable moon phase a minimum number of three times to different incompetent support personnel. We'll also help compound the situation by forcing the customer to listen to our blade A.R.Rahman signature tune for interminable periods while they wait for their problem to be consigned to our trash heap.”, said a spokesman, grinning evilly and looking eerily like Bimaldas.

Apparently, once the basic services are in place, Airtel plans to upgrade to value-added annoyances like pre-recorded swear-words, random call disconnection, a whole suite of handset-incompatible features and SMS based virus distribution. Naturally, these services will come at a huge additional cost, which will be intimated to unsuspecting customers only as a consolidated lump sum at the end of the first year. “Customers, Scmhustomers. That'll serve them right”, thought a smug middle management cretin to those around him.

“It's brilliant.”, said renowned Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, just back from his holiday in the United States. “They just have to follow the same processes they normally follow and they'll be fine.” “Damn, this guy catches on quick”, said a nearby Airtell salesperson.

“We have over ten million pissed-off subscribers. We hope to increase this number to over thirty million in the coming year.”, the spokesman signed off, before being engulfed in a cloud of marketing stupidity.

Not to be left behind, Tata Indiacomcomm has announced their own plans for another initiative on 'Total Consumer Frustration'. Their call centre could not be reached for comment, as all their support executives were busy on calls, The Son of Bosey team is still holding the line, since we're extremely important to their recorded message.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Man mistakenly bites into pumpkin thinking it was potato.

by Anand Ramachandran, who feels the pain that can be caused by a well-disguised Pumpkin in Avial.

Sankalesh Jimmy, a resident of Chennai, had a disconcerting experience today when he sank his teeth into what he thought was a potato – only to find that it was a yechchy piece of pumpkin.

Sankalesh Jimmy, photographed shortly after his Avial misadventure, and shortly before berating his mother (not in picture)

“Eeeyyyyuck!”, said Jimmy. “What’s the scene?”, he added, grimacing at the unpleasant surprise.

All was well until Jimmy decided that he would sample some of his Mom’s Avial. He wisely decided to start with the double-beans, work his way through the carrots, and finally build up to a culinary crescendo by taking a grand chomp out of one of the delicious potatoes. “ It was a sound plan on paper, but any experienced hand knows that even the best laid plans can go haywire.”, said wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, inching ahead of G.Venket Ram once again.

“The fault lies with Jimmy’s mother.”, said Bindhumalini Narayanaswamy, the world’s leading Avial critic, grinning widely for no reason. “ Everyone knows that when you put both potatoes and pumpkins in Avial (which is most of the time), you must cut them differently so that people can tell the difference. Mrs.Jimmy has evidently ignored this technique, hence the trouble.”, she concluded.

In order to compete with Chennai’s other humour magazine, The Deccan Chronicle, we will now make a needless mention of Angelina Jolie and her four year old son Maddox.

In a separate incident, Maarten Visser of Holland reportedly bit into a piece of Green Chilli, mistaking it for a bean.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

BPO boom spurs 'Afternoon Disco' revival in Chennai

by Anand Ramachandran, ending a long silence for no reason at all.

The rapid fire growth of the BPO sector in Chennai has had a pleasant and surprising side effect – the re-opening of several of the cities world-famous 'Afternoon Discos'.

Several Chennai partygoers and Deccan Chronicle photographers perform the enviable feat of dancing the night away - at 2.15 in the afternoon.
“Since most people at BPOs work night shifts, we see a great growth potential in what we call 'Afternoon Nightclubs'. The clubs will provide a place where young people can dance badly, act idiotic and be mildly disoriented by the sunlight when they leave.”, said Shaikh Mohsin, one of the city's leading afternoon disco experts. “But the crowd will come only by 3.30”, he added with a wink.

Several of the city's people are thrilled with the news. “Yiipppeeeeee!!!!!! I can't wait to go dancing immediately after lunch. Reminds me of the good old days at 'Palambas' and 'Socko'”, said Mansi Gandhi of Annanagar, going all misty-eyed.

Though many people mock the idea, it has its supporters. “I don't see why not. If we can have evening colleges and night bazaars, why can't there be afternoon nightclubs?” asked wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, not yet back from his holiday in the United States.

Not to be outdone, the city police department has swung into action, shifting the hours of 'untime' (a concept that most Chennaiites know and love) from the wee hours of the morning to between 5 and 7.30 p.m.. “Thank God. Now we can finish off our night duty and be back home by 8.30, in time to watch 'Selvi'. Yay!” cheered hundreds of cops.

Interestingly, the city's glitterati are extremely uncomfortable with the word 'Afternoon Disco'. “We need to call them something else. Maybe 'Noonclubs'? . . .” trailed off Kaveri Lalchand, who ought to know better.

Man Temporarily Inspired by 'Rang De Basanti'

Bipin Das, a resident of Nungambakkam, was temporarily transformed into a chest-thumping, fire-breathing uber-patriot for a period of seventeen minutes after watching the hit film 'Rang De Basanti' last week. Sources reveal that Das left the cinema hall with a distinct swagger, sneering at fellow theatre-goers wearing branded foreign clothes and making mental notes to hoist a tricolour atop his terrace. He also seemed mildly guilty for his erstwhile support for evil western forces such as Manchester United and ZZTop.

Fortunately for his family and friends, however, the effects wore off a few minutes later, somewhere between Alwarpet and T.Nagar. He is reportedly back to normal, watching M.A.S.H reruns and hiding naughty pictures of Jenna Jameson under his bed. Er . . . normal for him, that is.