Friday, August 05, 2005

She's Always Miss Oommen to Me

by Anand Ramachandran, who insists that his old schoolmates will recognize the inspiration for this nonsense.

Ever had a teacher who made you regret the day you stupidly agreed to join school ? Never fear, we all have. However, the friendly folks at bosey have decided that it's time to get our own back. So, if you were one of those poor saps who was made to stand up on the bench for not keeping your pencil-box clean, lift up your voice and sing along (to the tune of Billy Joel's 'Always a Woman') . . .

She can begin your day with a casual good morning

She can ruin your day if she catches you yawning

You thought that you’d lost her when you left 7B

Yet she drones on and on,

Yes she’s always Miss Oommen to me.

She’ll ask you a question when you least expect one

Before you can mumble she’ll ask you the next one

“Off to detention” she’ll say, full off glee

Althought she's quite married

She’s always Miss Oommen to me.

Oh – she’s not very cool. And she’s nothing like hot.

She’s got grades on her mind.

Oh – she’s in every school. And she’s in every class.

She’s not one of her kind.

She knows all the answers to all of the questions

She clearly remembers all your transgressions

She’ll never even let you leave class for a pee

She acts like Pol Pot

But she’s always Miss Oommen to me.

Oh – she’s out for your blood. She can blade if she wants.

To the power of nine.

Oh – she’s in every school. And she’s in every class.

She’s not one of her kind.

She's frequently cruel

And she’s suddenly crueler.

She’ll smack your knuckles with a heavy steel ruler.

She’ll frighten you now and for eternity

Her friends call her Liz,

But she’s always Miss Oommen to me.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Visu Yet To Complete Sentence He Began In 2001

by Anand Ramachandran, who still longs for 'old school' tamil cinema.

World famous king blade Tamil film actor-director Visu is yet to finish one of his typically long-winding, meaningless sentences, one that he, startlingly began over four years ago.

Tamil film actor / director Visu, photographed in 2000, which was the last time he had his mouth closed.
It all began when Visu, best known for movies with titles like ‘Samsaram adhu Minsaram', ‘Thirumathi adhu Vegumathi' and ‘Prosthetic adhu Aesthetic', was asked by an interviewer for his opinion on a topic that has long since been forgotten by everyone involved, including the actor himself.

After taking a moment to think, Visu ( lovingly referred to as ‘Visu' by friends) launched into what would evolve into a never ending blade, even by his own lofty standards.

After taking a year to greet the crowd ( and everyone else in the world, mostly by individual names), he then spent 2003 and 2004 dwelling on what essentially boiled down to “Good question, now let me see . . . .” He also interspersed his reply with several entertaining instances where he pursed his lips, raised an eyebrow and moaned “Mmmmmmmm. . . .” Currently, he is reportedly moving on to the part where he quotes examples from his movies to address the question – the point at which the last stragglers quickly left the building, ending any chance of further news updates. The only people remaining in the audience are the actor's brother Kishmu (showing sibling solidarity) and leading Visu wannabe Prasanna (trying to pick up some tips and nuances from the master on being a self-righteous, irritating snotweed)

Strangely, Visu hasn't stopped for food or drink – giving credence to the oft-quoted theory that he gets all the nourishment he needs from the constant drone of his own voice.

Rumour has it that after completing his filibuster, Visu is planning to launch an all-new TV show called ‘Visuvin Aruvai Kodumai'. Stay tuned, if you're the masochistic sort.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Asian Afro Games To Be Held In 2006.

by Anand Ramachandran, who has just returned from a holiday in the Mariana Trench.

After the much hyped recently concluded Afro-Asian games in Hyderabad, the Indian Olympic Association has come up with yet another way to waste colossal amounts of the government's money – plans are on for the first ever Asian Afro games.

“It'll be great”, gushed Suresh Kalmadi, the IOA president. “Imagine, hajaar random Chinese, Japanese, Saudi, Indian and Cambodian dudes will turn up with huge Afros. It'll be like everyone's back in the seventies! Yay!!”.

Indian sports big-wig Suresh Kalmadi gets into the spirit of the Asian Afro Games

“If you prefer, you may refer to Cambodians as Kampucheans.”, he added irrelevantly.

While the Afro has seen its ups ( Clive Lloyd) and downs ( Ravinder – remember him? In Sakalakalavallavan? No? Loser!!) this is the first time that quality Afro guys will be actually competing at a continental level.

Commenting on India 's chances, wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar said, “Well . . . I dunno . . . I think India 's best Afro days are well and truly over. Even stalwarts like Madan Lal, M.K.Stalin and Ravinder (Remember him? No? Gotcha – you sly paragraph skipper!!) seem to have taken rest. Apparently, our best bet is some kid named Panicker from Kerala, who seems to be showing some promise.”

The Andhra Pradesh Government, as usual, has hogged some limelight by offering to host the games. “Our Chief Minister extends his full support to any such large-scale waste of national resources. We are proud to be repeatedly associated with colossal fiascos, and will always willingly come back for more.”, said a big-nosed minister, inadvertently providing an insight into the behaviour of Telugu film producers over the past several decades.

Even as preparations for the games get underway, Kalmadi has been spotted plotting the first ever Indo-Pan-Pacific-Sub-Saharan-South Mediterranean Games. Watch this space.

This article first appeared in GILFOSIA, a print magazine we brought out a year ago. It only lasted one issue before attaining salvation. Since we're lazy slobs, we plan to recycle those little-seen articles on this site ever so often.

Man Wondering Whether Person Named ‘Prasanna’ Is Man Or Woman

Aravind Murali, a resident of Ashok Nagar, was faced with a unique situation last evening, when he was uncertain whether his prospective employer was male or female.

It all began when an HR consultant asked him to visit the offices of a city BPO and meet someone called Prasanna for an interview. Accepting the offer, Murali’s lightning quick mind speedily latched on to the problem – causing him several hours of mental stress.

“Jeepers. I wonder if Prasanna will be a hot babe (Hooray). Or an IIT guy who plays guitar (Damn). Or an intimidating, sarcastic woman ( Shudder ).”, he thought to himself, toying with a mere three of the millions of possibilities.

“I don’t see why people can’t have names which clearly indicate their gender – like Bruce Banner, Faye Dunaway or M.S.Swaminathan. This is irritating” complained Murali.

Murali was last seen being consoled by Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, who has apparently had the same problem with people named ‘Sara’.