Wednesday, May 18, 2005

" Ambi Mama is leading Brahmin relative" - Survey

A survey has revealed that ‘Ambi Mama' is the leading relative among Tamil Brahmin families worldwide, with six in ten families having one of their own (a 60% repsesentation. Apparently, Ambi Mama held off stiff competition from Mani Mama (with 55% representation) and Baby Chitti (39%) for a well-deserved win.

“It's a great day for all Ambi Mamas. All the years of hard work – drinking coffee, criticizing the Indian team selection and complaining about blood-pressure – have finally paid off. Yay!”, said Ambi Mama, a spokesman for the Ambi Mamas Association of Dear Old Rascals (AMBASSADOR), a division of the Hardcore Brahmin Organisation (HBO). [Editor's note – The previous sentence has been roundly condemned by the Society for Prevention of Abbreviations that are Needless, Dumb and Execrable (SPANDEX)]

Some of the stalwarts of the Ambi Mama team pose for a photographer, after blading him with outdated advice on the best cameras, film, and lighting.
Mani Mamas all over the world watched in anguish as the final results were announced, plunging them into gloom. “It's no fun being a Mani Mama anymore”, said Mani Mama. “ Maybe if I change my name to ‘Ramesh Anna', I will have a brighter future”, he pondered pointlessly.

The survey also said that a respectable number of families (or a number of respectable families, as the case may be), have a Vaidhi Thatha, Bangalore Anna, and at least one random guy named ‘Chandroo' who is at all functions, but no-one can really place (and may not be related at all).

Predictably, bringing up the rear were non-entities like Driscoll Periappa, Jessica Alba Anni and Darth Vader Mama, which had zero representation. “Brahmins are way too conservative, dude!”, complained Cleveland Shankar, one of the more modern Iyer boys (or boyz, if you prefer. We offer multiple-choice reading. You're welcome.). “When are they going to drop old duds like Venkatakrishnan, Suresh and Balaji, and start using hipper names like Jason, Beyonce and The Human Torch?”, he asked, to wide applause from a group of people watching cricket on a nearby television.

Not all are happy with progress, however. “These youngsters are ruining everything by naming their children Archish, Dhruv and Plaha.”, thundered Badri Athimber. “ Can you imagine how it will sound? Dhruv Mama, Anamika Athai, Archish Chittappa – Ugh! Phooey! That is so not cool!!”, he growled, using expressions of disgust picked up from his states-based co-brother.

When asked for their response, several Brahmins living in Adyar merely arched their eyebrows, pursed their lips, and continued waiting for the December music season.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Goats Plan World Takeover

News has reached us of an evil conspiracy to uproot the world's current political structure and replace it with an oppressive regime consisting purely of goats.

From his use of metallic face-paint, it can be deduced that the evil leader of the goats is a Madonna fan.

“At last, people will bow to their rightful masters – goats!”, said a representative of Goats for Rapid Annihilation of Human Utter Losers (GRAHUL). “Hahahahahahahahahahaha”, he laughed maniacally.

“ We will summarily execute every human being on the planet – that's right we're going to give the human race a good butt butting! Hehehho!”, he smirked, using an unusual laughing style. “Yes, you noticed? Much better than the usual hahaha or heeheehee, don't you think?”, he winked.

Prince Charles'(left) resemblance to a goat (right), has helped his cause greatly. What? No resemblance? Try squinting a bit, and if that doesn't help, try closing your eyes completely.

Apparently, the goats have made an exception for Prince Charles, since he ‘kinda looked like' one of them, and hence must be reasonably goat-like. Also, they have heard him referred to several times as "That jolly old goat.", a factor that contributed to the softening of their stance.

Sources reveal that this was the last in a series of statements released by world goats aimed at sending shivers through the spines of humans and other non-goats.

Strangely, there has been no communication from the goats since last Bakrid.