Saturday, January 23, 2010

James Cameron and Microsoft team up to bring Avatar's immersive 3D technology to Power Point presentations.

by Anand Ramachandran, who has made more Power Point presentations than he'd care to admit.

In a great development for creators and viewers of blade Power Point presentations worldwide, software giant Microsoft and superstar director James Cameron have announced that they will be bringing the groundbreaking immersive 3D technology behind the Hollywood blockbuster 'Avatar' to Microsoft Power-Point.

“This is HUGE. Just imagine being able to feel that you're actually inside a PPT, like you can almost reach out and touch those bullet points! Imagine feeling like that 'zoom' effect clipart is actually going to leap out of the screen and smack your nose! Imagine recoiling in horror, not at the inanity of the PPT itself, but because the 'blinds' transition seems like it's going to crush you between the two slides it connects! It heralds a new era for corporate presentations! ” said Cameron, unnecessarily double clicking on hyperlinks in his excitement.

The new technology partnership between James Cameron and Microsoft will make Power Point slides such as this one truly come alive. The joy.

The new state-of-the-art technology is poised to revolutionize the art of PPT presentation creation, and has sent millions of corporate marketing and management types into a delirious tizzy. “Immersive 3D will instantly turn our moronic, unintelligent, boring crap presentations into instant classics – just like what happened with Avatar!” said a marketing manager known only as 'Subbu'. “The entire corporate fraternity is looking forward to using this cutting-edge technology to greatly enhance the end-user experience by creating best-in-class content by combining immersive visual presentation with comprehensive informational information to deliver lasting value in presentations that are otherwise basically useless.”, he said, momentarily managing to hit a comfort zone of corporate babble before uncharacteristically lapsing into honesty.

However, the technology also comes with an important caveat – the software and hardware required to make these 3D PPT presentations will cost millions of dollars. “We don't see the high cost as a problem, really. MS Office has been absurdly overpriced for years – but people will just use pirated versions and create presentations, just like they've been doing all along. So no major loss of revenue there.”, said a spokesman for Microsoft, quite reasonably.

Jake Sully and Princess Neytiri from Avatar seem bewildered by terms such as 'KRAs', 'cross-monetization', 'Optimal ARPUs' and 'Having said that' appearing in an immersive 3D PPT, proving that even 3D technology can't make corporate jargon comprehensible or bearable.

The 3D Power Point software will use advanced motion capture technology to ensure that all the effects and transitions – such as 'box-in', 'checkerboard' and “fly-from-right' will accurately represent their original avatars (pun not intended, but unavoidable). “We will carefully capture the movements of the text, clipart and slides from original 2D PPTs by carefully using advanced motion-capture technology to precisely replicate the complex movements involved – such as left-to-right or top-to-bottom.”, said a fat unshaven guy from the Vfx team. “Digital to analog to digital – even Jai Shankar Iyer would be proud! Or Kavi Alexander!”, he added, to the puzzlement of all.

Also, to view these amazing Power Point presentations in their full glory, users will have to wear special 3D glasses. “Yes, every user will have to wear special dark glasses to experience the breathtaking 3D PPT experience – with the exceptions of P.Diddy, Tomonobu Itagaki and Dr.M.Karunanidhi.”, confirmed Cameron, while simutaneously negotiating with representatives from Lawrence & Mayo and C.K.Devchand.

In the wake of Avatar's stupendous success, this announcement has created major ripples in public consciousness.

“ I personally can't wait. I've always wanted to create Power Point presentations that will allow my clients to get up close and personal with the ideas I'm trying to convey. Especially my costing slides. Heh heh.”, said renowned sales executive Tony Chacko, with a trademark wink. He also agreed that, thanks to the new technology, all office meetings now looked a bit like MiB conventions, and that his old Sindhi finance manager looked a bit like Tommy Lee Jones.

“Motion capture? What is all this newfangled nonsense? Motion capture is what they used to do at Ehrlich laboratories when they suspected you had some disease.”, said T.S.Krishnaswamy, displaying his well-recognized acerbic wit. “ Heh. Ehrlich. That foolish fellow Visu always used to call it Enrich laboratories, even though it was right next to his house.”, he quipped, needlessly dragging Visu Mama into the issue.

“Microsoft is all balls. Mac rules. Power Point may now have immersive 3D, but Macs are simply better.”, said [insert Mac loyalist name here], before leaving to play the just-released Mac version of a six year old PC game.

“It's interesting, but I'm not sure I'd enjoy the experience of polka-dotted pie charts that threatened to trap me between that tiny wedge between 'market share in Siffrigistan' and 'projected losses due to non-existence of Siffrigistan' .” joked renowned wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, taking at dig at corporate types, confident that they wouldn't get the joke.

In related news, some deranged fans of the new 3D Power Point presentations have apparently committed suicide because they couldn't get a 'cover from top-left' transition in real life to mark the arrival of noon.