Monday, June 08, 2009

UPA government unveils plan to privatize Government, make India 'Happening Place' by 2013

by Anand Ramachandran, who would love to be a citizen of the world's most awesomest country.

In a strong statement after their first few weeks in power, the Manmohan Singh led Indian Government has pledged to the people that they will strive hard to make India a 'Happening Place' within the next four years.

“Yep. We're going to gonna make India the coolest and most happening joint on planet. No, wait, on the rock.”, said External Affairs minister S.M.Krishna, jauntily transferring his weight on to one leg and pointing at various members of the press in true Ross Perot fashion. “We know that India is a bit blade at the moment, but with the right policies and initiatives, we can actually make our country a mother-key and trippy place to hang out in. Then we won't have to feel jealous of the USA for having a hardcore dude like Obama as President.”, he added.

Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh, after announcing his plans to privatize the Indian Government, gets the Vulcan Salute horribly wrong.

The key initiative in achieving this objective is a possibly controversial plan to privatize the Government itself. “See how much cooler India has become after we privatized specific sectors like banking, retail, and airlines, to name a few. We think it'll be totally off-the-scale insane if we skipped the piecemeal approach, and privatized the entire Government itself.”, said finance minister Pranab Mukherjee. “In fact, shortly, we may even allow FDI in Government. This opens up the eventual possibility that our country might be ruled, at least in part, by cool companies such as Coca-Cola, Dell, or the consumer electronics division of Sony. Woo-hoo! Free PS3s for everyone!”, he added.

“FDI in Government? You've got to be kidding me. Now Apple Inc can buy majority stake and rename our country i-NDIA.”, quipped Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, making a welcome return to Son of Bosey. “Or Nvidia can buy majority stake and rename the country NVindia.”, chimed in Vinay Nilakantan, displaying his well-documented love of graphics cards manufacturers.

As with any radical initiative, the Government's proposals have met with some resistance both from allies and opposition.

“No. They cannot do this. I will consume poison if they privatize the Government”, yelled a livid Sharad Yadav, opening up a great opportunity for the UPA, which immediately began expediting the process . “I never said I would consume poison . .er . . I only meant it in an eighties glam-rock sense.”, he added minutes later, inadvertently adding to the overall hipness of this post.

Tamil Nadu chief minister Kalaignar M. Karunanidhi also expressed his opposition to the idea by pledging not to eat even a single morsel of food between mouthfuls during meals. “Break fast – this is not an instruction. Heh heh.”, he said, with a wink that nobody noticed thanks to the severe darkness of his sunglasses.

“But I thought I was the cool politician? What happened? I started a blog and did all those computer things.”, wailed a dejected L.K.Advani. “Cheaters. They have hijacked my USB . . er .. .USP.”, he trailed off, techno savvy to the very end. “Damn that Shashi Tharoor and . .what is it ? . . Flitter? Bitter? Critter ? Must look it up on Wikipedia.”, he was heard muttering to himself as he left.

Defense Minister A.K.Anthony a.k.a. A.K.A. tries out some of the totally awesome ordnance that his ministry is planning to acquire, in order to achieve pWnage over other countries.

The Ministry of Defense is also contributing to the initiative by purchasing weapons and equipment that an official press release described as 'Totally Awesome'. “Soon, we'll be packing some seriously kick-ass firepower. Can't wait to check out one of those shiny new rocket launchers and tanks. Total badassness”, chirrupped an excited defense minister A.K.Anthony a.k.a. A.K.A. “Did you know, some n00bs still refer to tanks as 'tankers'? Bloody wankers. Must be mostly bankers. If we let 'em live, they have to thank us.”, he grinned, showing that Ludakrishna and Vikram MC weren't the only Mallu rappers on the block.

“I'm glad that the Government is finally listening to the demands of the youth. If the whole of India becomes happening, then we wouldn't have to regularly hang out at Barista and needlessly spend cash.”, said noted youth representative Priya Krishnan, in her characteristic commonsense manner. “Now, if we could only replace that goofy Ashoka Chakra on the flag with the Apple logo, I'd be even prouder to be Indian.”, she said, to a round of applause from fashionable people all over the country.

The Government is also considering a slew of other proposals to make India more Happening, including the introduction of the Vulcan salute as an official greeting, the redesign of Parliament to resemble Blue Frog, and the complete eradication of S.Sreesanth.