Monday, February 09, 2009

Muthalik's offer of performing free marriage ceremonies delights young couples facing opposition from parents.

by Anand Ramachandran, with hat tips to Aditya Khanna, Sumant Srivatsan and Aravind Murali - all three unshakeable pillars of Indian culture.

Shri Ram Sene leader Pramod Muthalik's promise to seek out romancing couples on Valentine's day and get them forcibly married has found unexpected support among young couples whose parents are opposing their marriages.

“Our deepest thanks to Mr.Muthalik. Our parents have been opposing our marriage plans, but now all we need to do is step out and hold hands on Valentine's Day, and our dear friends from the Shri Ram Sene will help us get married. Hooray! Jai Shri Ram!”, said an excited Sankalesh Jimmy, and quickly dashed away to locate a pretty girl whose parents would find him objectionable. "Hahaha - any parents who oppose our marriage will just have to deal with the Sene! Perfect!", he muttered to himself, even as the idea spread like a virus with a particularly hasty agenda.

“Oops! Didn't think of that!”, said Mr.Muthalik, and vanished in a puff of embarrassment.

Shri Ram Sene supremo Pramod Muthalik engages in a rap battle with rap superstar 50-cent, to convince the rapper to change is name to 50-Paise, in accordance with Indian culture. The fact that 50-Cent is not an Indian apparently makes no difference to Shri Muthalik.

“Hahahaha, what an idiot!”, said an amused Tony Chacko, returning to Son of Bosey due to increasing public pressure. “ What will he do if he finds married couples romancing publicly? Get them married again?”

“Oops! Didn't think of that!”, said Mr.Muthalik, and vanished again, this time in a puff of growing discomfort.

“It's a great innovation by Muthalikji, and I'd take my hat off to him, if I wore one.”, said opposition leader L.K.Advani. “He's found a way for dealing with young people who are facing opposition from their parents. Now, if only he would come up with a similar solution for young people whose parents are in the opposition. And for opposition members whose parents are young people. And for people who are the parents of a young opposition. ”, he signed off, running out of viable permutations.

“Grrr. Here we go again.”, said Mr.Muthalik, and vanished for the third and hopefully final time, in a puff of surrender. He was subsequently seen eating his way out from under a mountain of pink lingerie.

Mr.Muthalik and the Shri Ram Sene have, through their antics, caused predictable ripples throughout the nation, with everybody whipping out rolled-up copies of their personal agendas and leaping joyfully into a racuous and jolly melee.

“Who is Muthalik to tell women how to behave? We shall throng the pubs. We shall drain our mugs. We shall frequent clubs. Screw Muthalik and his thugs !”, said Minister for Something Related to Women Renuka Choudhary, using rap-style lyrics to quickly to establish herself as the politician of choice for cool people. “Gee, I hope the hip set votes for me now!”, she thought to herself, unable to hide a smirk.

“Who the fuck are these hardliners to fucking tell us how to fucking behave in fucking pubs? Fuck all of them. We're the fucking kvtl sh1t3! Youngsters are teh_r0xx0rrrzzz”, screamed MTV roadies creator Raghu Ram on TV, effortlessly strengthening his brand image as the iconic representative of today's youth (or at least the ones who express themselves by gratuitous swearing).

“All these things are against Indian culture. Being happy, acting kindly towards others, loving everyone regardless of religion or caste, tolerating differences and being generally intelligent and reasonable have no place in Indian culture!”, barked a spokesman for the hardline loonies who support Muthalik and his ilk, effectively stating that “Indian culture is against Indian culture.” He also expressed the view that his organization would continue to oppose things such as pubs, women, women who go to pubs, lolcats, laptops, lolcats who use laptops, ball-point pens, all versions of Super Mario Bros, VGA connectors, electric shavers and adhesive tape – since none of these were mentioned directly in the Vedas.

Rajasthan CM Ashok Gehlot has mistakenly called for a ban on Culture Club, leaving club culture safe for the moment. This is bad news for all those who insist on singing 'Karma Chameleon' whenever anyone shows up at a party with a guitar.

Sources have revealed that Rajasthan CM Ashok Gehlot has mistakenly declared a war against Culture Club instead of club culture, leading to an unprecedented burning of Boy George effigies across the state. “Hahahaha! His name is gay lot!”, said a nearby youth, before busying himself by attempting to destroy India's culture by indulging in some of Rajasthan's finest.

In related news, videogame giant CAPCOM has announced that their next game will be titled 'Resident Evil : Pub Culture', where the protagonist, the last remaining pub patron in a dystopian future, will have to fight off hordes of crazed saffron fundamentalists - armed only with a rolled-up copy of the Human Rights Act of 1993. Sounds like fun - and wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, in the nick of time, will be looking forward to the release.