Sunday, January 25, 2009

Ramalinga Raju to star in new film 'Millionaire Slumdog'

Finally, there's some good news for former Satyam chairman B.Ramalinga Raju. If sources are to be believed, he has been approached by renowned director Danny Boyle to play the lead role in his next venture 'Millionaire Slumdog', which will be based on his own real life story.

Reversing the fairytale storyline from his earlier hit 'Slumdog Millionaire', Boyle's new film will be about an extremely wealthy man who eventually ends up as a common prisoner due to extreme stupidity. “It's the story of a man who goes from cooking his books to being booked as a crook. Look look, it's a rook! I took this hook and look – don't it soock?” rapped a frenetic Blaaze, resorting a Yorkshire accent to squeeze in another rhyme.

“Wow! Ramalinga Raju acting in a film about Ramalinga Raju! That's like Shah Rukh Khan acting in a film about Shah Rukh Khan! Or William H.Macy acting in a film about William H.Macy. Or Grand acting in a film about Grand. Or . . er . . heh heh . . I guess you get the picture!”, said a sheepish-looking Arnab Goswami, for once realizing that he was yammering on about something that his viewers had figured out several hours ago.

“I'm delighted that Slumdog Millionaire, which has me in it, has won such global acclaim. I hope that this film, in which I play a meaty role, wins at the Oscars. This would mean so much to everyone, including me, who was involved in making this project such a great success, such as myself.”, said an eerily leery Anil Kapoor, quite unaware that Boyle, and everyone else, were getting on with their careers.

In good news for Kapoor, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is constituting a new category “Best performance in mispronouncing the word 'millionaire' multiple times in a film”, just to reward his efforts in creating interesting variants such as 'Millioneer, Millonier, and Millenner.'

Returning to Mr.Raju, the former industry big-wig is hoping that the film will gain him public sympathy, enabling his eventual release from prison, and eventual success in politics. “Worked for Sunjay Dutt, dinnit?” he signed off with a surprisingly elfin grin.

Recession, budget cuts force Bollywood to produce first ever combo-sequel, 'Chandni Chowk to Drona'

Thanks to decreasing budgets due to studios tightening their purse strings in difficult financial times, many Bollywood filmmakers have been forced to revisit their plans of making crummy sequels to crappy films. However, the men who have delivered two of Bollywood's most stunning duds in recent times, Goldie Behl and Nikhil Advani, have come up with an innovative solution to the problem – they're pooling their resources to come up with a combo-sequel that will be a single film that is a sequel to two separate films.

“A combo sequel is a great idea. Basically you take elements from two different films and make a sequel to both of them by combining these elements in a random manner to create a disjointed, incoherent, clumsy mess – exactly in the spirit of the originals!”, said an excited studio executive.

“Yes, 'Chandni Chowk to Drona' will combine all the best elements of the two recent mega-flops. It will be an unforgettable blokbuster grand gala large canvas multi-starrer brouhaha heidiheydihoh ringalingading extravaganza!”, said a delighted Mr. Behl, leaning on the age-old Bollywood technique of using random hyperbole to make up for the lack of genuine ideas.

“Who says there is a lack of genuine ideas?”, said an irate Mr.Advani, skilfully managing to read the previous sentence and respond to it in real time. “ There are hundreds of daft ideas in CC2C and hundreds of lame ideas in Drona. And, as any man of science will tell you, two negatives make a positive!”, he said with a wink.

As always, this innovation has given ideas to many more producers, and rumours of possible abominations such as 'Yuvraaj Story 2050' and 'Bhootnath's Victory' could be true. Stay indoors.