Saturday, January 17, 2009

Ramalinga Raju pleads innocence, blames videogames for fraudulent activities.

by Anand Ramachandran, who blames videogames for his videogame addiction.

Disgraced Satyam Computers chairman B.Ramalinga Raju has blamed the popular videogame Grand Theft Auto for his corporate crimes, saying that playing the latest version of the hit series influenced his behaviour.

Andhra Pradesh CM Y.S.Rajasekhar Reddy presents B.Ramalinga Raju with a copy of Grand Theft Auto IV (PS3 version), little realizing that it would evetually corrupt Mr.Raju's mind, forcing him to commit an 8000 crore scam despite his honest nature.

“It's all because of violent videogames like GTA IV which encourage and glorify criminal behaviour, that my poor, innocent client Mr.Ramalinga Raju was brainwashed into comitting fraud running into thousands of crores.”, said a lawyer representing the former corporate honcho. “Videogames such as these should be banned, otherwise more white collar criminals may begin to use them as excuses . .er . . i mean . . .”, he trailed off, looking around nervously.

“Yes yes. It's all Niko Bellic's fault”, said former Satyam CFO Srinivas Vadlamani. “ If not for GTA IV, my pristine and lamb-like innocent mind would never have been corrupted, and I would never have agreed to aid and abet India's largest corporate fraud.” However, Vadlamani has admitted that GTA did give him some useful ideas on how to deal with the 'jerks who ratted on him and Mr.Raju'.

The response from Rockstar Games has been immediate and clear. “Whoa! 8000 crore Indian Rupees? Cool! That gives us an idea for a whole new franchise – Grand Larceny 2009!”, said company CEO Terry Donovan, excitedly jotting down ideas on a paper napkin.

Raju's tactic of laying the blame on videogames has, expectedly, given ideas to several other champions of ineptitude and incompetence across the country and even overseas.

“I would like to take this opportunity to blame FIFA 09 for the poor performance of the Indian football team over several decades. In fact, Championship Manager 2008 is the reason why the Indian Football Association has completely mismanaged the sport for the last fifty years.”, said an excited P.R.Das Munshi, grateful for the sudden chance to explain away his failure to improve Indian football's international standing.

“Yes, yes. Legendary game designer Peter Molyneux's PC game 'The Movies' is to be blamed for me delivering an all-time turd like 'Chandni Chowk to China' ”, chirruped a delighted Nikhil Advani. “Videogames like this are what cause otherwise brilliant minds such as mine to come up with retarded plotlines, characters and scripts which insult a viewer's intelligence.”, he added, wisely deciding against blaming the puzzle classic 'Exit' for audiences leaving the cinema hall halfway through his movie.

World famous anti-gaming activist and lawyer Jack Thompson has also been quick to join the blame game. “I blame the 'Phoenix Wright : Ace Attorney' series for my catastrophic track record of losing every single anti-videogame case I have argued, and being disbarred from practicing in various states.”, he said, before displaying his well-documented ignorance by adding “ Or it could be 'Harvey Birdman : Attorney At Law', I'm not really sure.”

There have also been increasing reports of people blaming 'Forza Motorsport' for retarded driving, 'Mirror's Edge' for inept parkour, 'Cooking Mama' for substandard dinners and 'Baldur's Gate 2' for the complete absence of dragon-slayers in India.

“Shite. Too bad there's no game such as 'Overemotional News Reporter 09' so that I could explain away my propensity to attach needless and irresponsible emotional weight to otherwise ordinary issues.”, wheezed a surprisingly candid Barkha Dutt, furiously googling in vain.

However, the videogame industry has gained some support from unexpected quarters.

“Rubbish. You can't just blame videogames for everything.”, said Science and Technology minister Shri. Kapil Sibal, before proceeding to add Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh to his 'Gears of War 2' friend list. “How would Ramalinga Raju react if I melee attacked him with a chainsaw bayonet, and then blamed it on Cliffy B?”, added Mr.Sibal with a glint in his eye.

“This whole trend of people blaming videogames for their crimes is a load of hokum. I play a lot of 'Deer Hunter', but that doesn't mean I drive around the countryside yelling 'Yee-Haw' and putting bullets into gazelles, blackbuck and antelopes.”, said long time gaming advocate Vinay Nilakantan. “In fact, I doubt that people who actually do, such as Salman Khan and the Nawab of Pataudi, have played even the tutorial levels of the all-time classic 'Deer Hunter' series”, he added, displaying an unnatural regard for the 'Deer Hunter' franchise.

“Why this sudden insistence of mentioning Gears of War so often on Son of Bosey?”, asked Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, surprisingly going off-topic. The editors soon reassured him of his pre-eminence on the blog, over other contenders such as Gears of War, Sankalesh Jimmy and ZZtop.

Returning to the news at hand, it has been rumoured that Mr.Ramalinga Raju has asked his jailers for an XBOX and a copy of cult classic prison-break game 'Escape from Butcher Bay'. Images of Mr.Raju as Riddick (with those shining eyes) are too amusing to contemplate further, so we'll stop now.