Monday, June 08, 2009

UPA government unveils plan to privatize Government, make India 'Happening Place' by 2013

by Anand Ramachandran, who would love to be a citizen of the world's most awesomest country.

In a strong statement after their first few weeks in power, the Manmohan Singh led Indian Government has pledged to the people that they will strive hard to make India a 'Happening Place' within the next four years.


“Yep. We're going to gonna make India the coolest and most happening joint on planet. No, wait, on the rock.”, said External Affairs minister S.M.Krishna, jauntily transferring his weight on to one leg and pointing at various members of the press in true Ross Perot fashion. “We know that India is a bit blade at the moment, but with the right policies and initiatives, we can actually make our country a mother-key and trippy place to hang out in. Then we won't have to feel jealous of the USA for having a hardcore dude like Obama as President.”, he added.


Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh, after announcing his plans to privatize the Indian Government, gets the Vulcan Salute horribly wrong.


The key initiative in achieving this objective is a possibly controversial plan to privatize the Government itself. “See how much cooler India has become after we privatized specific sectors like banking, retail, and airlines, to name a few. We think it'll be totally off-the-scale insane if we skipped the piecemeal approach, and privatized the entire Government itself.”, said finance minister Pranab Mukherjee. “In fact, shortly, we may even allow FDI in Government. This opens up the eventual possibility that our country might be ruled, at least in part, by cool companies such as Coca-Cola, Dell, or the consumer electronics division of Sony. Woo-hoo! Free PS3s for everyone!”, he added.


“FDI in Government? You've got to be kidding me. Now Apple Inc can buy majority stake and rename our country i-NDIA.”, quipped Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, making a welcome return to Son of Bosey. “Or Nvidia can buy majority stake and rename the country NVindia.”, chimed in Vinay Nilakantan, displaying his well-documented love of graphics cards manufacturers.


As with any radical initiative, the Government's proposals have met with some resistance both from allies and opposition.


“No. They cannot do this. I will consume poison if they privatize the Government”, yelled a livid Sharad Yadav, opening up a great opportunity for the UPA, which immediately began expediting the process . “I never said I would consume poison . .er . . I only meant it in an eighties glam-rock sense.”, he added minutes later, inadvertently adding to the overall hipness of this post.


Tamil Nadu chief minister Kalaignar M. Karunanidhi also expressed his opposition to the idea by pledging not to eat even a single morsel of food between mouthfuls during meals. “Break fast – this is not an instruction. Heh heh.”, he said, with a wink that nobody noticed thanks to the severe darkness of his sunglasses.


“But I thought I was the cool politician? What happened? I started a blog and did all those computer things.”, wailed a dejected L.K.Advani. “Cheaters. They have hijacked my USB . . er .. .USP.”, he trailed off, techno savvy to the very end. “Damn that Shashi Tharoor and . .what is it ? . . Flitter? Bitter? Critter ? Must look it up on Wikipedia.”, he was heard muttering to himself as he left.


Defense Minister A.K.Anthony a.k.a. A.K.A. tries out some of the totally awesome ordnance that his ministry is planning to acquire, in order to achieve pWnage over other countries.


The Ministry of Defense is also contributing to the initiative by purchasing weapons and equipment that an official press release described as 'Totally Awesome'. “Soon, we'll be packing some seriously kick-ass firepower. Can't wait to check out one of those shiny new rocket launchers and tanks. Total badassness”, chirrupped an excited defense minister A.K.Anthony a.k.a. A.K.A. “Did you know, some n00bs still refer to tanks as 'tankers'? Bloody wankers. Must be mostly bankers. If we let 'em live, they have to thank us.”, he grinned, showing that Ludakrishna and Vikram MC weren't the only Mallu rappers on the block.


“I'm glad that the Government is finally listening to the demands of the youth. If the whole of India becomes happening, then we wouldn't have to regularly hang out at Barista and needlessly spend cash.”, said noted youth representative Priya Krishnan, in her characteristic commonsense manner. “Now, if we could only replace that goofy Ashoka Chakra on the flag with the Apple logo, I'd be even prouder to be Indian.”, she said, to a round of applause from fashionable people all over the country.


The Government is also considering a slew of other proposals to make India more Happening, including the introduction of the Vulcan salute as an official greeting, the redesign of Parliament to resemble Blue Frog, and the complete eradication of S.Sreesanth.


29 comments:

R S Prasanna said...

selected

| Balu | said...

So if there is recession, they will fire ministers and MPs/MLAs will get pay cuts.. awesome! =D

| Balu | said...

AK Antony as Master Chief? =( We will be killed by aliens

Anonymous said...

why do we have to look at fdi s .
The first persons to grab this opportunity will b the ambanis.
they will rename india as Reliance India, something like DLF maximum.

But mamta will never let TATAs grab the opportunity.

gr8 one.

doubtinggaurav said...

Respect

Point of order 'Vulcan' is not 'happening' it is 'nerd'

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

@witsnits I shall resist the urge to make a joke out of the words 'mamta', 'grab' and 'tatas'.

@doubtinggaurav Surely you realize that this blog is written by Nerds. Hence nerd = happening. Live Long and Prosper \\//

Anonymous said...

lol @ eradicating Sreesanth and apple logo...hillarious.
Read your article on Page 2 today. Great one as always!

techrsr said...

Hahahahaha. AK Anthony aka AKA it seems. Hilarious.

Want to see the day when AK Anthony picks up a BFG-10K or a Hyperblaster and kicks the shit out of Pakistan.

Waiting for more nerd-core posts. And make it more nerd-core please.

Also, we could deal with the Indian bad English fetish for the present continuous - "If India will be happening, there will be present continuous will be there."

techrsr said...

Also, "ingrease da voLume blease! thang you!"

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

@tech Nerdcore FTW \m/. We've always been nerdy like that.

A Sanguine Someone said...

Absolutely hilarious ! :D

J said...

Hey would like to follow you on Twitter..are you there as well? Does this account for lack of frequency on SonofBosey? Either ways, keep it coming!

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

@J Yep. I'm @bigfatphoenix on Twitter. And nope - that's not the reason. An extremely busy couple of months. Hope to be fairly regular until the next extremely busy couple of months :)

Anonymous said...

Haha.ross perot.why did he have to come in?

Vishal said...

We need Offense Minister to start things off by bombing off the rest of the world. There can be only one..! Start the missun!

Ganesh said...

very well done. enjoyed reading it, especially the bit on the dmk leader.

but, can't stop giggling at your best bit which came right at the end.

Viswanathan said...

Ha ha ha ha.. I can only imagine our Defence Minister chirruping "Total Badassness" the mallu way.

Dhruv said...

awesome :) tankers, wankers, bankers and 'thank us'.. truly professional :D better than blaaze, rather..

priloza said...

"Defense Minister A.K.Anthony a.k.a. A.K.A."
Just couldn't wait to use that one, could you?!

சாத்தான் said...

Your latest piece "A cunning Ashes plan, and the greatest batsman ever" on Cricinfo is brilliant!

Arvind said...

Wait! I'm confused. Who posted this? Anand or his evil twin? And who writes for cricinfo?

When I saw this : When informed that none of these players are representing Australia at the tournament, he replied, quite logically "So what? Don Bradman, the greatest Test match batsman ever, never played for us in the 90s, but that didn't stop us from being the world's best team, did it? , I thought, why does this style seem familiar? Then I scrolled up, looked at the name and went "Ah! Thought as much!" .

Thank you, and Andrew Hughes for making the transition to the new cricinfo bearable :D

Niyantha said...

"and the complete eradication of S.Sreesanth"

word.

Anonymous said...

You're reaching unprecedented levels of Onion-ness :)
Awesome!

Anonymous said...

now, why didnt we think of this earlier ? why cant we implement this in reality ?

Why, this is indeed an opporutnity for Apple. they dont even have to Change the country's name.

what will happen after that ? will this become like that game Trade, where we can buy cities like madras (red), Delhi ( green ) and Bombay (blue) ?

Kopitiem

Ashok said...

Bosey-bhai, very happy to see you on cricinfo. why doesn't page 2 want a comments section?
Preity must also have to search for Sreesanth also in the toilet. Maybe he has not yet been flushed away.

Anonymous said...

Great humor, keep it up! I'm bookmarking you.

AXE 316 said...

Hahaha...machan...I'm an ATI boy now. But you never know, I'm very fickle like that!!

Axe out.

Ash D said...

amazing man! Keep going! :D

The Eye of the Beholder said...

You sir, are a funny bastage..

Oh and Mr.Manmohan S, is throwin a 'Yo! wassup!?' to all his homies out there