Thursday, April 09, 2009

Lalit Modi combines elections and IPL to create unprecedented extravaganza – Indian Premier elections ( I.P.El ) !

by Anand Ramachandran, who is relieved to have finally thought of something other than the now common 'Move Elections to South Africa' gag.

Showing his customary talent at creating events that are sure to generate multimillion dollar revenues, IPL boss Lalit Modi has solved the date-clash problem between the IPL and the Indian General Elections in the most innovative way possible – by combining the two events to create the Indian Premier Elections, an event unlike any the world has ever seen.


Being touted by all and sundry as a stroke of pure genius, the I.P.El is poised to take the two most prominent aspects of the IPL – hype and money – and take it to a whole new level. “While the IPL combined cricket and Bollywood, the Indian Premier Elections will add another Indian passion, politics, to the mix.”, screeched a smug-looking Mr.Modi, providing proof of the age-old adage that however rich and powerful a man might be, people will snigger if he has a squeaky voice. “That's great! More fun for the public. More cash for everyone. More chances to hang out with babes like Preity and Shilpa.”, he grinned, before losing his eyesight temporarily due to the sudden conversion of his pupils to assorted international currency symbols. “After our success at converting the wonderful game of cricket into a crass, embarrassingly over-the-top circus, we are proud to do the same service to Indian politics, which, despite the best efforts of sterling individuals such as Varun Gandhi, J.Jayalalitha, and the late Sitaram Kesri, is yet to truly become one.”, he signed off.


Lalit Modi, besides being the mastermind behind the IPL and the I.P.El, also owns the world's weirdest sofa.


In keeping with the conventions popularized in India by the IPL, the I.P.El will feature all-new avatars of India's political parties, with catchy alliterative names such as The Congress Comets, The BJP Blitzkreig, The Janata Juggernauts, The Samajwadi Samurais, The Communist Corporation, and the DMK Dumnkopfs. Each party will become a franchise, and will have a marketable logo and uniforms. In fact, the Janata Juggernauts have already come up with a cool catchphrase -“Apna Haath, Juggernaut!”


“We are inviting bids from numerous indulgent millionaires, over-enthusiastic but clueless entertainers, and shadowy foreign business houses for franshise ownership.”, said a spokesman for the I.P.El, showing that the powers-that-be had the good sense not to mess with a good idea.


I.P.El franchise BJP Blitzkreig's skipper L.K.Advani is delighted with the fit of the team uniform - which has the additional advantage of making Advaniji's physique seem eerily similar to that of Rahul Dravid.

In another exciting idea borrowed from the IPL, parties (er . . franchises) will be able to field a maximum of six overseas candidates each.”It'll be great! Imagine – the very best of international politicians displaying their skills side by side with our very own Netas! Just what the public wants to watch . .er . . vote for!”, said an excited former BCCI president Sharad Pawar, skilfully straddling the thin line between sports and politics as always. However, the overseas candidate rule has already caused contrversy, as the Congress Comets are not sure whether party president Sonia Gandhi will count towards their quota.


To confuse things further, BCCI hatchet-man Niranjan Shah has issued one of his nutty diktats – saying that no politician who has stood in any legitimate rival election can participate in the I.P.El – instantly ruling out possible superstars such as Barack Obama and Nicolas Sarkozy, and restricting the field solely to ageing dictators such as Fidel Castro and Muammar Gaddafi, and, depending on how things go in Pakistan, General Parvez Kayani.


Interestingly, the parties will all select their candidates at an 'auction', similar to the IPL, where they will pay huge sums of money to get candidates on their side . While this created a culture shock in the cricket community, it should pose no such problems in the policial fraternity, which has been doing things this way for decades anyway. The news has already got veterans Amar Singh and Jaswant Singh rubbing their (for now) empy hands with glee.


As always, public reaction has been spirited, whether positive or negative.


“Can't wait! Can't wait! This is going to be more fun than Gears of War 2!”, said Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, looking forward to the mega-event.


“Oh no! This means that now Charu Sharma will enter the world of political TV reporting, considerably lowering its already abysmal standards.” observed Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, bringing to light one of the negative aspects of the development.


“Rubbish, that's what it is. Whoever heard of combining cricket and politics? What next? Education and rummy? Speed-post and trigonometry? Ghee pongal and the complete works of L.Ron Hubbard? Absurd.”, fumed an irritated Tony Chacko, inadvertently giving ideas to a number of proto.in aspirants in the vicinity.


“Can't wait! Can't wait! This is perfect for me. Another way to strengthen my 'cool' and 'hip' image – in addition to my insufferrably blade blog, tweets and web site.”, wheezed BJP leader L.K.Advani, before leaving to conduct a quick comparison of Tweetdeck and Seesmic desktop.


Also, in news that is sure to delight mathematicians and other weirdos worldwide, sources have revealed that the I.P.El, in case of a hung parliament, will use a variant of Duckworth-Lewis to decide the winner. Good thing John Dyson isn't the Election Comissioner.


37 comments:

visesh said...

The Bahujan Blondewigs are sure to be an x-factor in the I.P.El.

chupchap said...

"they will pay huge sums of money to get candidates on their side" who will in-turn spend the money on the public to buy them =P

Lavanya said...

The south will see a stiff battle between DMDK Captains and AIADMK Amma-njis :D

K.Ramachandran said...

ROFL !! Brilliant !!

K-Mak said...

Apna hath Juggernaut LOL :)

no signal said...

Apna haath Juggernaut!

As always, public reaction has been spirited, whether positive or negative.

Sooper.. absolute hilarious..!! Any innovation in Coin Tossing and Umpiring department ??

Nishanth said...

“Rubbish, that's what it is. Whoever heard of combining cricket and politics? What next? Education and rummy? Speed-post and trigonometry? Ghee pongal and the complete works of L.Ron Hubbard? Absurd.”

hahahahaha lmao..Ghee pongal and works of Ron Hubbard.
cant stop laughin bro..you rock!!! Keep em comin!

Anonymous said...

Roflmao!
Yo Lalit Modi is so innovative, not only might he come out with a beer called I Pee Ale, but he'd also make half the world drink the stuff!!!
Cheers!

Deepak Gopalakrishnan said...

What's the qualification for a post to be tagged 'wtf'?

Anonymous said...

too gud.

communist corporation was an lol inducer. but dmk dummkopfs aa? relatively, it makes little sense to have a name like samajwadi samurais no.

j o v e said...

R O F L !!!

j o v e said...

R O F L !!!!

RR said...

What about the Trinamool Turncoats and the Akali Alsorans ..

Another cool one Anand..

And what are plans to make the posts more often than the current ones... guess you are not in one of those businesses that maintain a "quiet period" :)

DK said...

ROTFL , Amazing :D

The Mudd said...

Hilarious stuff ... how do you conceptualize ?? awesome.
since everyone is stupidly suggesting names :
DMK Dhamaka , Forward Blockers, Bahujan Blasters etc...

Anonymous said...

rotflmao !

Me said...

Did you write this also?
http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Cities/Chennai/Doctors-to-bat-it-out-on-the-OPL-20-20-pitch/articleshow/4402554.cms

Shantaram said...

Believe the Comets are planning to file a multi-crore defamation suit against you for putting their symbol into the Juggernauts' slogan... how does it matter whose hand it is, anyway!

Amey Gharse said...

roflmao!!

aandthirtyeights said...

Will each seat won be called a 'Citi Moment of Success' and each State majority a 'DLF Maximum'?

Anjana R said...

absolutely loved the pictures! :D will definitely visit again :)h

Hariharan said...

does anand ramachandran or his evil twin write for cricinfo ipl page 2. Found this to be total bosey style..
http://content.cricinfo.com/iplpage2/content/story/400594.html

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

@hariharan - Well spotted. 'Off The Record', 'Fan vs. Fan', 'Rule from Hell' and 'EyePL TV' are all created for cricinfo by my team A Bellyful of Dreams Entertainment. And yes, I do a fair it of the writing.

Hariharan said...

awesome work on that front! fan v fan is another of my personal favorites on that site..

and will we be seeing the international decut of wildlife photographer s.u.saravanakumar?? ;)

raj said...

Hariharan beat me to it! I was going to ask the same Anand. I could spot tell-tale signs of Bosey's presence lurking there. And this time, well chosen, boy, well chosen. I mean the media outlet for your talents. Badshah dildo was hardly your class, glad that you switched to cricinfo - helps that they arent favoured by Modi anyway, doesnt it? You are not constrained by your boss this time - looking forward to Anand Ramachandran unplugged, unwired, unleashed etc!

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

@raj Sigh. Actually I'm also doing some comics and stuff for KKR this year too. And not boss. Client. VERY important difference.

@Hariharan Thanks, mate. And nope. Sara is exclusively for Son of Bosey only. :)

Jugal said...

But IPEl will be hosted in Southn Africa! Security issues, remember!

Nisha said...

Some Serious Competition from fakeiplplayer ? or its just that you both cater to different market segments :P

Avionic Spanker said...

Awesome stuff ..

raj said...

Anand, Rules from Hell: Repeated targetting of Modi has made me immune to jokes on Modi. I guess if you can also make fun of the anti-IPL faction here, that would help. English journalists' religious opposition to IPL, Aussie administrators' double standards, Aussie Cricketers' run-to-mama-and-complain-when-cornered school bully behaviour - maybe you can look at these angles. Bellyful of Dreams features are fast losing the punch because of regurgitating standards jokes on IPL, Modi and generally catering to the anti-IPL faction.

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

@raj - Thanks for the feedback. Sadly, most feedback indicates that readers want EVEN more Modi based stuff! But will keep your comments in mind when creating stuff.

As for our features losing their punch (assuming they had any in the first place), the IPL itself is rather dull. What to do? :)

raj said...

oh no, this is certainly not a disowning of the cricinfo stuff you do. And the false modesty is not needed - bosey rocks, mate and you know it, as Ponting would put it :-).
Just that Modi is an easy target, and there are several angles - I get the feeling that this time also, your client may not like it if you ventured into anti-IPL jokes. Cricinfo seems to have its own anti-BCCI agenda. What troubles me is that while enough detractors and satirists of IPL and BCCI exist, there arent enough mainstream candidates who do that to cricinfo and the non-Indian ICC worthies.

raj said...

Well, I'd say the cricket is much better this year. The pitches in SA equalising the batsmen and bowlers. I dont know why people find it dull - so it is bollywood and frivolous fun people are looking for from the IPL? Like, a slap would spice up things now?

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

@Raj - False modesty? Wow. I guess YOU know what goes on in my mind better than I do, eh?

And I don't believe the cricket at this year's IPL has been any better or worse than the previous edition. The fielding, in fact, has been considerably worse. The games have been nice and close of late - but T20 games with mostly evenly matched teams tend to be that way.

And if I think it's dull, I have a right to my opinion. Whatever my reasons. Or do I ? :)

raj said...

Wow! Thats the first serious response I have seen from you, ever:-)
*Pats self on back - adhepdi ra madhava, you bring out the serious reaction from all bloggers, ennamo poda*
Ofcourse, it was a bad joke on Ponting that misfired. Ignroe.

J. Alfred Prufrock said...

Sheer brilliance.
Now to wait for someone to take this seriously. (Was that Lalit Modi in the corner with Navin Chawla?)

J.A.P.

Nagaravind said...

Now, i understand why it's called the universal adult Franchise....