Saturday, January 17, 2009

Ramalinga Raju pleads innocence, blames videogames for fraudulent activities.

by Anand Ramachandran, who blames videogames for his videogame addiction.

Disgraced Satyam Computers chairman B.Ramalinga Raju has blamed the popular videogame Grand Theft Auto for his corporate crimes, saying that playing the latest version of the hit series influenced his behaviour.

Andhra Pradesh CM Y.S.Rajasekhar Reddy presents B.Ramalinga Raju with a copy of Grand Theft Auto IV (PS3 version), little realizing that it would evetually corrupt Mr.Raju's mind, forcing him to commit an 8000 crore scam despite his honest nature.

“It's all because of violent videogames like GTA IV which encourage and glorify criminal behaviour, that my poor, innocent client Mr.Ramalinga Raju was brainwashed into comitting fraud running into thousands of crores.”, said a lawyer representing the former corporate honcho. “Videogames such as these should be banned, otherwise more white collar criminals may begin to use them as excuses . .er . . i mean . . .”, he trailed off, looking around nervously.

“Yes yes. It's all Niko Bellic's fault”, said former Satyam CFO Srinivas Vadlamani. “ If not for GTA IV, my pristine and lamb-like innocent mind would never have been corrupted, and I would never have agreed to aid and abet India's largest corporate fraud.” However, Vadlamani has admitted that GTA did give him some useful ideas on how to deal with the 'jerks who ratted on him and Mr.Raju'.

The response from Rockstar Games has been immediate and clear. “Whoa! 8000 crore Indian Rupees? Cool! That gives us an idea for a whole new franchise – Grand Larceny 2009!”, said company CEO Terry Donovan, excitedly jotting down ideas on a paper napkin.

Raju's tactic of laying the blame on videogames has, expectedly, given ideas to several other champions of ineptitude and incompetence across the country and even overseas.

“I would like to take this opportunity to blame FIFA 09 for the poor performance of the Indian football team over several decades. In fact, Championship Manager 2008 is the reason why the Indian Football Association has completely mismanaged the sport for the last fifty years.”, said an excited P.R.Das Munshi, grateful for the sudden chance to explain away his failure to improve Indian football's international standing.

“Yes, yes. Legendary game designer Peter Molyneux's PC game 'The Movies' is to be blamed for me delivering an all-time turd like 'Chandni Chowk to China' ”, chirruped a delighted Nikhil Advani. “Videogames like this are what cause otherwise brilliant minds such as mine to come up with retarded plotlines, characters and scripts which insult a viewer's intelligence.”, he added, wisely deciding against blaming the puzzle classic 'Exit' for audiences leaving the cinema hall halfway through his movie.

World famous anti-gaming activist and lawyer Jack Thompson has also been quick to join the blame game. “I blame the 'Phoenix Wright : Ace Attorney' series for my catastrophic track record of losing every single anti-videogame case I have argued, and being disbarred from practicing in various states.”, he said, before displaying his well-documented ignorance by adding “ Or it could be 'Harvey Birdman : Attorney At Law', I'm not really sure.”

There have also been increasing reports of people blaming 'Forza Motorsport' for retarded driving, 'Mirror's Edge' for inept parkour, 'Cooking Mama' for substandard dinners and 'Baldur's Gate 2' for the complete absence of dragon-slayers in India.

“Shite. Too bad there's no game such as 'Overemotional News Reporter 09' so that I could explain away my propensity to attach needless and irresponsible emotional weight to otherwise ordinary issues.”, wheezed a surprisingly candid Barkha Dutt, furiously googling in vain.

However, the videogame industry has gained some support from unexpected quarters.

“Rubbish. You can't just blame videogames for everything.”, said Science and Technology minister Shri. Kapil Sibal, before proceeding to add Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh to his 'Gears of War 2' friend list. “How would Ramalinga Raju react if I melee attacked him with a chainsaw bayonet, and then blamed it on Cliffy B?”, added Mr.Sibal with a glint in his eye.

“This whole trend of people blaming videogames for their crimes is a load of hokum. I play a lot of 'Deer Hunter', but that doesn't mean I drive around the countryside yelling 'Yee-Haw' and putting bullets into gazelles, blackbuck and antelopes.”, said long time gaming advocate Vinay Nilakantan. “In fact, I doubt that people who actually do, such as Salman Khan and the Nawab of Pataudi, have played even the tutorial levels of the all-time classic 'Deer Hunter' series”, he added, displaying an unnatural regard for the 'Deer Hunter' franchise.

“Why this sudden insistence of mentioning Gears of War so often on Son of Bosey?”, asked Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, surprisingly going off-topic. The editors soon reassured him of his pre-eminence on the blog, over other contenders such as Gears of War, Sankalesh Jimmy and ZZtop.

Returning to the news at hand, it has been rumoured that Mr.Ramalinga Raju has asked his jailers for an XBOX and a copy of cult classic prison-break game 'Escape from Butcher Bay'. Images of Mr.Raju as Riddick (with those shining eyes) are too amusing to contemplate further, so we'll stop now.


AB said...

I was about to work for Satyam soon! Should I laugh or regret!

AXE 316 said...

Haha not fair machan.

Rohan said...

Hehe, brilliant as usual. :)

Daily Humor

Anonymous said...

I am become t3h_dr4g0n5l4y3rz

Anonymous said...

Hey : Just discovered you.
I have to say, the second funniest Indian site i ve seen yet. :-)

Why second funniest ? Because I write
And nothing can come in the way of self esteem.

You dont hv to publish this, no other way to mail you guys. !

Anonymous said...

enough about dumb obscure videogames already.

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

Sk - Brilliant stuff. Love Utopia.

Anonymous - dumb obscure video games? I'll have you know that the games featured on Son of Bosey are all blockbuster titles. If we wanted to feature dumb and obscure titles, we'd have featured Hordes II instead of Gears of War.. Who are you, anyway? Roger Ebert?

Mahadevan said...

Like Brutus, Raju killed Satyam, not because he loved Satyam less, because he loved Maytas more.Wasn't he an honorable man?

To rob a million common people and enrich his own progeny was Sathyam Raju's Mission Statement and he ensured that his company lived upto this Mission statement. Why fret and fume?

We have one more to add to the rogues' gallery for people to wonder at. Should we not be proud?

Anna Bond said...

As I write this, I'm also furiously googling for 'Blogreading at Work with Alt-Tab 09'. Let me know if you know the release date.

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

Anna Bond - I'm not sure, but it's certain to be banned in Australia!

visesh said...

hahahahahahahaha, for us its been "otha just miss"

Vivek K Kumar said...

very thought provoking article. and we were thinking that raju & co were just plain greedy!

although we should have seen it coming, i mean who names a company 'satyam' in india?

woenvu said...

Satyam could diversify into videogames.

Franchise value - Rascal Raju (ala Dangerous Dave etc.).

Rascal Raju in Thimiru Tycoon (a SIMS-clone, in reverse).

Rascal Raju in the plot to blow up FICCI (FPS).

and so on.

Anonymous said...

hmm this fell flat on its face!

aandthirtyeights said...

Apparently, the ICC is reviewing Venkatapathy Raju's Test Records in the wake of the Satyam scam.

Angry Voices said...

Easily the funniest shite! :D

Dude, you're a rockstar.

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

Shruti - Just like Mr.Raju's schemes! Well, can't win em all.

Others - thanks for reading.

Anonymous said...

utopia, what with bosye's endorsement and all, I went in with heightened expectations. Unfortunately, your site doesnt live up to the hype. Sorry, only politeness must have caused Bosey to endorse you - or you may have used your paypal account in his favour. Very mediocre.
I hope Anand publishes this - mediocre people should be called mediocre

Anonymous said...

Slumdog millionaire(as overrated as david beckham,threesomes etc) and the media frenzy that follows,Obama's swearing in ceremony and the response its stirred up in India..come could have a field day..the lady of justice implores you to uphold dharma..these events deserve comments and insights from the eminence grises of bosey

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

Raj - you're surely entitled to your opinion, but I wasn't being polite about Utopia. I really think the posts such 'Pesky England wicket interrupts commercial' and 'Rab Ne gives hope to uninteresting middle-aged men' are quite funny.

Anonymous - slumdog millionaire related post coming up. ;)

Anonymous said...

Anand, sure yes. I was being mean ofcourse. I am mean in general. It takes talent of the proportion of Bosey to suspend my meanness :-)

Anonymous said...

Brilliant post! Loved the game references and Raju holding a copy of GTA 4 was just classic!

Anonymous said...

This is an unbelievable statement from a person of Ramalinga Raju repute. What does it mean? he had run the company like playing a video game? utlilising the employees, suppliers, buyers, financers, share holders in different roles? - absolutely an irresponsible statement

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

oooooh - n00b alert!

er . . . Ravi - we're . . . er . . joking.

But greatly appreciate your public display of n00bness, nevertheless. Thanks for reading Son of Bosey.