Tuesday, December 29, 2009

'Tambola' to be included in Delhi Commonwealth Games, in a move to boost spectator interest.

by Anand Ramachandran, who is hard pressed to think of anything funnier than the Commonwealth Games. Or the Commonwealth itself, for that matter.

With an increasing number of high profile athletes, including Usain Bolt and top British athletes and gymnasts dropping out of the upcoming Commonwealth Games to be held in Delhi, the Commonwealth Games Federation has decided to boost the popularity of the games by including the popular sport of 'Tambola' as a medal event.

“Brilliant no?”, grinned an eerily delighted looking IOA chief Suresh Kalmadi. “The inclusion of Tambola is sure to make the Delhi Games a bumper hit! And, unlike my earlier let-off about Usain Bolt's participation, this is a promise I can actually keep!”, he tittered, swaying from side-to-side gently. “After all, 'Tambola' can't decide to drop out of the games, can it?”, he pointed out reasonably. “More importantly, there will be no need to complete any stadium on time for this event – we can have it in Delhi Gymkhana itself!”, he added, pointing to one of the many benefits of the move.

The Indian Tambola contingent for the Commonwealth Games practices crucial Tambola skills, including ball-point pen holding, number recognition and the consumption of samosas and Rasna (not in picture).

According to sources in the IOA, the Tambola event would break with tradition - instead of medals, the winners would receive tiffin carriers, Japanese magnetic pencil-boxes, borosil juice-glass sets, and copies of 'Tell Me Why'. “We wanted to stay true to the spirit of Tambola, and award prizes that Tambola athletes would truly appreciate. ”, said a woman wearing a sleeveless blouse and oversized sunglasses, before asking the gathered reporters to donate generously so that the IOA could buy samosas for the event. The Tambola event at the CWG will also mark the first ever time in sports history that athletes from over fifty countries would simultaneously drink 'Rasna'.

The CGF is hoping that the inclusion of Tambola will spark public interest in an event that has been dogged by bad luck, controversy and general lack of interest among participants. “We realized that for athletes like Usain Bolt and Paula Radcliffe, the CWG may not be too prestigious. But for people such as Suraj Bajaj and Swarnakamakshi Gurumurthy, it is the pinnacle of their sport. Winning a japanese pencil box (or even a multi-head screw driver kit) at the Commonwealth Games would immortalize these athletes in the annals of Tambola history.”, said Mr.Kalmadi. He also said that the Tambola event had already gained the guaranteed participation of Tambola legends such as Vinay Nilakantan (who, coincidentally, is also one of the world's leading 'Deer Hunter' players), Perungulathur Subbu (who manages to win Tambola games even at functions where he hasn't been invited), Priya Krishnan (renowned Mac loyalist), and a man known only as 'Bablu'.

Luckily for Mr.Kalmadi and the IOA, public reaction has been mostly positive.

“Hey, Tambola is a terrific game! I was first introduced to it in the year – two fat ladies – 88! I was just a lad of – two little ducks – 22 then!”, said a visibly excited Son of Bosey veteran, Sankalesh Jimmy, getting into the spirit of things rather quickly. “Gee, I hope they get a genuine retired Army Colonel or Major to call the games. That would be – Awe and Some – Awesome!”, he said, expanding the very horizons of 'Tambola calling' to include everyday words as well.

“There's absolutely nothing wrong in having Tambola at the games. After all, it is very similar to cricket, which was included in the games in the year – nine and eight – ninety eight.” said noted cricket fanatic Aravind Murali. “Both games are very popular in India. Both games feature numbers from 0 to 99. Both games feature cliche-ridden commentary by washed up has-beens. Both games require high degrees of skill.”, he explained, before succumbing to public pressure and saying “Okay, okay. Scratch the last one. Sheesh.”

“I do hope they come up with more interesting and contemporary calls. Something along the lines of – N.D.Tiwari – 69 ! Or how about this one – cleavage fest – 33 !” quipped renowned wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, with a mischievous grin. “Oh wait, there's more! Afridi's age – 18! New followers Tharoor gains per second – 78! Number of states in India – 76 ! Or is it 39? Or 52?” he jested, severely testing the theory that women dig guys with a 'sense of humour'.

World 100 metres champion and record-holder Usain Bolt clearly shows where his priorities lie, by completely ignoring the scoreboard that displays his WR in favour of gloating over completing the first 'row' in a Tambola game.

In fact, the inclusion of Tambola has had the effect of reviving the interest of athletes who otherwise had no intention of participating in the games. “Man, I don't want to bladely run dem sprints at the CWG. But I'm keen on participating in the Tambola! I have more gold medals than I can count, but winning one of dem 'Hardy Boys' books or those Kvlt Milton 'Kool Rider' water bottles would be really somethin, mon!”, said Jamaican superstar Usain Bolt, flashing his famous smile. “See, I TOLD you Usain Bolt would be coming!”, said a smug looking Mr.Kalmadi, who appeared out of nowhere to pounce on the opportunity to take credit.

And finally, the officials at Tamil Nadu Tambola (TNT) have expressed their delight at this development, saying “ We are very happy. Next we will invite Obomo to play Tambolo in a tournament sponsored by Coco Colo and Docomo.”

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Oh! I've been nominated and all that.

By the way, Son of Bosey has been nominated at the Indibloggies this year for 'most humorous blog'. Much thanks to you guys for supporting me by reading Son of Bosey all these years, and to whichever one of you submitted it for the nomination.

The nomination is wonderful, since it's jury-validated. And it's nice to be up there with a bunch of blogs that are rock-star funnier than this one. From now on, it's pretty much a popularity contest, so, Great Bong will surely win ;)

However, I'd appreciate it if you guys hopped on over and voted for Son of Bosey, so that I don't finish last. Of course, you could also vote for any of the other amazingly funny blogs that have been nominated, especially Krish Ashok, Narendra Shenoy, Rakesh Jhunjhunwala, or Lavanya Mohan.

CBI exposes conspiracy by Suresh Kalmadi to pass off IPL season 3 as Commonwealth Games.

In a daring expose, India's Central Bureau of Investigation has unearthed a sinister plot by the Indian Olympic Association chief Suresh Kalmadi to slyly pass off the upcoming third season of the Indian Premier League as the Commonwealth Games, by replacing the IPL name and logo with those of the CWG wherever they appeared.

The evidence that apparently led to the sensational discovery was several ticket-books, pamphlets and T-shirts on which the IPL logo was clumsily covered up with a CWG sticker. The words Indian Premier League had also been hastily struck out with a magic marker, and replaced with 'CommonWelth Gamez'. The stickers may have fooled us, but the wrong spelling of 'CommonWealth' was a dead giveaway”, said a proud CBI officer, clutching a 'Where's Waldo' picture book close to his chest. He left the room in a huff when someone jokingly asked why the CBI had not yet successfully solved the mystery of why all CBI officers still dressed in safari suits.

Cornered by the CBI, Mr.Kalmadi admitted that he came up with the plan as a way to salvage the Commonwealth Games, preparations for which are way behind schedule. “Damn. Busted. Now we'll have to actually complete the work and conduct the damn thing.”, he complained. “Look, we are hopelessly behind on many aspects of preparation for the games. Bhanotie, myself and the boys thought it'd be easier to simply fool people into believing that the IPL was actually the CWG. Just like passing off someone else's homework for your own at school.”, he finally confessed, looking forlornly at a picture of Kaavya Vishwanathan for a few seconds, and tucking it back into his beard.

When asked how he hoped to pass off a cricket tournament as a multi-discipline athletic event without anyone catching on, Mr.Kalmadi said that since noone watched the Commonwealth Games anyway, nobody would really notice. “Everyone would have just thought that we slightly modified the games schedule to include only cricket, and simply carried on enjoying the games.”, he clarified helpfully. “And in any case, they're not all that different. The CWG is run by people of the commonwealth, while the IPL is run by people of uncommon wealth. The CWG has discus throw, while the IPL people discuss throwing. Both have head honchos whose names end in 'di'. Both have cricket matches featuring players whose hearts aren't really in it.”, he quipped, toying with the idea of starting off another annoying hashtag on twitter.

And I'd have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids . . er . . CBI officers.”, he signed off, betraying his love for Hanna-Barbera classics.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Karunanidhi finally removes sunglasses to reveal another pair of sunglasses beneath!

by Anand Ramachandran, who sees the world through technicolour tinted glasses

In a bold and unprecedented move that comes late into his distinguished political career, Tamil Nadu chief minister Dr.M.Karunanidhi has finally answered the question foremost on the minds of people all over the country – what's behind his sunglasses? The answer is most unexpected, and, typically for Kalaignar, insanely cool : another, smaller pair of sunglasses!

DMK leader and Tamil Nadu CM Dr.M.Karunanidhi takes of his sunglasses and reveals another one beneath them.

“Heh heh! Gotcha, didn't I?”, quipped Dr.Karunanidhi, displaying his renowned quick wit and sense of humour. “To the folks on twitter who were speculating on the colour of my eyes, guess what? You're still in the dark – dark glasses, that is!”, he chuckled, possibly with a wink, but nobody could be sure.

When someone expressed surprise at Kalaignar's reference to Twitter, the chief minister replied “Twitter has much in common with the great Tamil saint Thiruvalluvar. They both start with 'T', and end with 'R', and communicate effectively with a strict limit on character length.”, to racuous applause from the audience. He however denied that there were plans to build a 'Twitter Kottam' in Chennai displaying the most kvlt tweets of all time.

“Kalaignar has once again shown his political skill in going one-up on his rivals.”, commented noted journalist and political analyst Cho.Ramaswamy. “ How will Vaiko top this? He certainly can't shave off his moustache and reveal another moustache, can he? ”

However, AIADMK supremo Dr.J.Jayalalitha was quick to downplay the incident. “Have you seen how many gold chains my friend Sasikala Natarajan wears? Can't be beat – it's like those Russian 'Matryoshka' dolls, except Sasi's chains don't get any smaller as you go down.”, she said. Not to be outdone by Kalaignar's wit, Jayalalitha then joked “Speaking of Matryoshka dolls, I think if you start off with Telugu superstar Nagarjuna as the first doll, four or five layers down you'll end up with Y.Venugopal Rao!”, raising a round of guffaws from the gathering.

Public response has been enthusiastic and varied.

“Wah! Cooling glass within cooling glass! I think Kalaignar should adopt a cool nickname – K2CG. This will put him in the same league with other famous people with '2' in their name, such as 2Pac, U2 and R2D2.”, said an excited Sankalesh Jimmy. “Wait, also Bishop Desmond 22!”, he added.

“Yay! This is bound to start a great new trend. Now people who are inspired by Kalaignar's fashion sense will buy double the number of cooling glasses! We'll clean up!”, said a representative of leading eyewear store Lawrence and Mayo, before shooing off a customer who had wandered in to buy a jar of Mayonnaise

The revelation has now started off another debate on what could be beneath the second pair of sunglasses. The last word, though, could possibly be that of world renowned Wildlife Photographer (and live sound recordist) S.U.Saravanakumar. “My guess ? It's probably cooling glasses all the way down.” he said, before trotting off to save some turtles.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Not-so-smart Alec and the art of artless copying.

I won't waste words.

This blog has several posts copied shamelessly from Son of Bosey.

Here are a a few examples :




I remember seeing this about a year ago, and asking them to credit me. But no action, and I forgot. Chanced on it again today, and thought I'd let you guys know.

Thanks for supporting Son of Bosey.

UPDATE : Found two more posts copied from Son of Bosey.



And it's priceless how the dude has absolutely shamelessly accepted compliments for his writing in the comments sections. Do not miss - much hilarity.

UPDATE : The dude has removed all the offending posts. Thanks folks, for supporting Son of Bosey. I owe all of you a beer.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Oh, and also . . .

I've received some criticism of late that my humour style on this blog and on Cricinfo is formulaic and stupid. There may be a point there, actually. That isn't necessarily a bad thing - legendary satire magazine MAD worked with templated article formats extremely successfully for decades. And as long as I enjoy what I'm writing, I'll continue using formats and styles that have worked well for me.

But it got me thinking, and keen to explore other styles as well. Which is exactly what I'm doing with Pwnage of India, my other blog. Do pop over, read, and tell me what you think.

Thanks for reading Son of Bosey.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Son of Bosey on cricinfo's 'The Heavy Ball'

Some of you have actually asked for more cricket posts. Sadly, my regular gig for 'The Heavy Ball' section on Cricinfo's page 2 ensures that I have no material left for Son of Bosey. Cricket is only funny up to a point, innit?

So head on over to 'The Heavy Ball' and get your cricket funnies fix. The section also features great stuff from a bunch of top writers, and the additional advantage of revealing the legendary Jrod's real name.

Thanks for reading.

Tharoor excitedly tweets about previous tweet

Minister of State for External Affairs and renowned Twitter rock star Shashi Tharoor has excitedly tweeted about his previous tweet. Tharoor, on his twitter feed, said “Wow. My previous tweet about the meeting with that random delegation from Zaire was truly amazing.” He then proceeded to tweet “ ROFL. So true RT @shashitharoor Wow. My previous tweet about the meeting with that random delegation from Zaire was truly amazing.”

As with any Tharoor tweet, this has created an inordinate amount of commotion in the media, with an equal number of people criticizing as well as supporting the minister.

“Tweet is not only a very lonely man who needs counseling, but tweet also thinks he is more awesomer than his deservation. I honestingly believe all people like Tharoor and other Titterers should stop their Twits forthwithly. ” blubbered an increasingly hapless looking AICC secretary Tom Vadakkan, mangling words with increasing effectiveness. “I have been looking closely at Tharoor's Tits on his Titter feed, and would like to say that such Tits are against Indian culture, and also that of the Congress Party.”, he thundered, inadvertently admitting that the cultures of India and that of its ruling party are two different things altogether.

“What? Tom Vadakkan has been looking at Tharoor's tits? This is against Indian culture”, yelled an irate Congress MP Abhishekh Singhvi. “I am personally against public figures posting their views, leave alone their tits, on internetweb homepagesites such as Twicker.”, he signed off, in a resplendent display of cluelessness. He was later spotted typing 'Shashi Tharoor tits' into Google, and recursively landing up at this very article.

Congress President Mrs.Sonia Gandhi attempts to get a feel for the subject everyone else in this article is talking about.

“Not just Mr.Vadakkan, but the whole nation has been seeing, enjoying and discussing Mr.Tharoor's tits on Twister. There's nothing wrong with this.”, opined BKU president Mahendra Singh Tikait, surprising everyone with his broad-mindedness and his continued existence in one deft stroke. He left shortly thereafter to pursue his efforts at setting fire to Facebook, to protest against the idea of young men and women living on the same planet.

Meanwhile, Mr.Tharoor was back on twitter, tweeting away with gay abandon (ensuring that Google searches for 'Shashi Tharoor Gay' will also point to this article). “Heh. Wonder if ppl realize that I make up half the shit about important conferences with hard-to-name East Eurpoean nations.” he tweeted, following up with “ Nobody even knows which countries are real anymore. Splosnia, Ginormo, Pornasia, Heterosexistan, #FTW ;) ”

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Nanganallur temple mistakenly purchases Abrams Tank for 'Thiruvizhaa'

by Anand Ramachandran, with a respectful nod to the inimitable Kumar Chandrasekharan, who contributes more ideas to this blog than you'd think.

Devout temple-goers in Nanganallur were stunned when they turned up for the inauguration of their new temple tank last Friday, and were greeted with the sight of a spanking new M1A2 Abrams parked on the temple grounds.

The temple priests admiringly inspect the rear armour slats on their newly acquired Abrams M1A2 temple tank.

The mix-up apparently occurred when a wealthy NRI devotee had misunderstood a request from the temple trust, asking him to donate a new tank to commemorate the annual temple 'Thiruvizhaa' this year. “We had sent a letter to the devotee, Mr. Shankar Sundaram of Cleveland (which is in 'States'), indicating that our temple needed a tank for many years. He has very kindly and promptly responded to our request. Sadly, it's the wrong kind of tank. Heh heh.”, said the temple head-priest Aravind Adigal. “No, no! I'm not the Booker Prize guy. He's even balder.”, he quipped, winning many admirers for his engaging wit.

Mr.Sundaram, in an exclusive phone call to Son of Bosey, clarified “Shite. My bad! I thought they wanted one to defend themselves against those pesky Islamic Terrorists who seem to be crawling out of the woodwork.”

“But what to do now? Wait, I know! Ask them to just say that it's a new Sannidhi! Brilliant! ”, he added.

“By the way, guys, have you checked out the cage match between Eddie Guerrero and Ray Mysterio? I'll send you the DVDs. It's awesome.”, he signed off, convinced that the matter was now closed.

The temple devotees are understandably bewildered and upset by this. “Yes, we agree that the M1A2 is an awesome piece of artillery – thermal sights, rear-protecting slats, remote weapons station – but it isn't what we want. We just asked for a simple temple tank, similar to that seen in the Kapaleeswarar temple, only smaller. Why do we need this? Just in case there's an escalation on the Alandur front? Perhaps Ullagaram is planning to invade us?” asked a visibly irritated T.S.Krishnaswamy, one of the oldest and most respected regular worshippers at the temple, displaying his well-documented vehicle expertise as well as his renowned sarcastic wit.

However, some devotees are seeing the bright side of things. “There's nothing wrong with a temple having a military tank. After all, even the Ramayana and Mahabharatha have references to nuclear weapons.”, said an elderly man, who looked like he could have been called 'Sridharan'. Or perhaps 'Sankara Sarma'. “In fact, all technologies have been described in our Vedas and Puranas – including Plasma TVs, WiMax, CFC-free refrigerators and Decepticons.”, he said smugly, settling down into 'Thyagu' mode.

As always, the general public reactions have been varied.

“Wow. Nanganallur finally becomes kvlt! Eat this, Lower Parel!”, said a delighted Vishal Thyagarajan, happy to know his neighbourhood had finally got something cooler than a bakery with a few tables, which stocks Red Bull.

“This is a troubling development. Imagine if the miscommunication had occurred the other way around, and the Defense Ministry ended up with several temple tanks, with slippery stone steps and arbid red-and-white striped patterns on their walls, on their premises. THAT would really help defend our borders. Take that, Paki invaders! Take a holy dip! Muhahahahaha! Sheesh. ”, said wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, the voice of reason as always.

“Shite! Now those losers in Nanganallur will get more visitors than us. Peon! Quick! Two Anti-Aircraft gun-turrets. Preferably with sustained plasma cannon attachments! That'll show them!”, thundered the furious head priest of Kapaleeswarar Temple, reacting to the sudden competition.

The print media in Chennai have been quick to cash in on the opportunity. The HINDU reacted by printing an epic-blade piece in their 'religion' column, The Times of India somehow managed to work in a picture of Megan Fox into the report, The New Indian Express did a special feature on 'Tank based games' by columnist Videep Vijay Kumar, and The Deccan Chronicle's response could not be read due to poor paper quality.

Many Hindu activists such as the RSS, the Shri Ram Sene and Rajan Zed believe that this hurts Hindu sentiments, but are too scared to vocally protest, since the temple has a “big fucking Abrams tank” on the premises.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Delhi High Court clarifies that pro-gay ruling applies only to homosexuals, does not cover fans of 'Michael Learns To Rock' or 'Need for Speed.'

Making an important clarification regarding their recent historic ruling on parts Section 377 of the IPC being unconstitutional, Chief Justice A.P.Shah said “Let me make it clear that the ruling applies only to the term 'Gay' as applied to consensual homosexual activity, and not the term 'Gay', as applied to still enjoying 'Michael Learns to Rock', or continuing to think 'Need for Speed' is kvlt.”

“ Fans of MLTR and NFS, you have been warned. All your base are belong to us”, added Justice S.Murlidhar. “While this court believes that sexual orientation is a personal choice, we certainly do not condone activities such as liking those stupid Hugh Grant based rom-coms, enjoying Kenny G, reading moronic self-help books, or still insisting on playing only Counter-Strike despite the existence of a large number of more sophisticated and enjoyable titles in the market today. That shit is so totally 64y – this is what should be illegal.”, he signed off, leaving people in no doubt as to his stand on the issue.

While the court ruling has been welcomed by the gay and lesbian communities in India, MLTR fans are feeling betrayed and left out. “If I want to listen to a bunch of talentless pretenders belting out syrupy ballads with juvenile lyrics, why should the court stop me? At least I'm not a sexual deviant - I enjoy sex with guys, like normal girls do.”, barked an annoyed looking young woman, immediately providing encouragement to a number of young men lurking in the vicinity. “I won't let them stop me. I will continue to listen to MLTR, New Kids on The Block, and Ace of Base.”, she thundered passionately, sending the young men scurrying in the opposite direction.

NFS fans have also condemned the statements by the Judges. “The rest of the world may think we're stupid for still preferring NFS to Burnout, but we're not. We're not stupid. We're smarter than them. They're stupid. Not us.”, said a spokesman for the National Foundation of Stupid Need For Speed Fans (NFSNFSF).

“I don't see the difference. People should be allowed to fuck whoever they like – even themselves, which is what they do by listening to crappy music or watching execrable movies.” said HRD minister Kapil Sibal, taking the opportunity to reinforce his new image as the Government's in-house forward thinker. “You can't disagree with me when I say that Adam Sandler or Yanni are a pain in the ass. Heh heh.”, he added on a humourous note, drawing dirty looks from nobody at all.

In related news, thousands of commenters on Rediff have taken a break from their NFS sessions to blame Pakistan and Bangladesh for the popularity of MLTR in India.

Monday, June 08, 2009

UPA government unveils plan to privatize Government, make India 'Happening Place' by 2013

by Anand Ramachandran, who would love to be a citizen of the world's most awesomest country.

In a strong statement after their first few weeks in power, the Manmohan Singh led Indian Government has pledged to the people that they will strive hard to make India a 'Happening Place' within the next four years.

“Yep. We're going to gonna make India the coolest and most happening joint on planet. No, wait, on the rock.”, said External Affairs minister S.M.Krishna, jauntily transferring his weight on to one leg and pointing at various members of the press in true Ross Perot fashion. “We know that India is a bit blade at the moment, but with the right policies and initiatives, we can actually make our country a mother-key and trippy place to hang out in. Then we won't have to feel jealous of the USA for having a hardcore dude like Obama as President.”, he added.

Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh, after announcing his plans to privatize the Indian Government, gets the Vulcan Salute horribly wrong.

The key initiative in achieving this objective is a possibly controversial plan to privatize the Government itself. “See how much cooler India has become after we privatized specific sectors like banking, retail, and airlines, to name a few. We think it'll be totally off-the-scale insane if we skipped the piecemeal approach, and privatized the entire Government itself.”, said finance minister Pranab Mukherjee. “In fact, shortly, we may even allow FDI in Government. This opens up the eventual possibility that our country might be ruled, at least in part, by cool companies such as Coca-Cola, Dell, or the consumer electronics division of Sony. Woo-hoo! Free PS3s for everyone!”, he added.

“FDI in Government? You've got to be kidding me. Now Apple Inc can buy majority stake and rename our country i-NDIA.”, quipped Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, making a welcome return to Son of Bosey. “Or Nvidia can buy majority stake and rename the country NVindia.”, chimed in Vinay Nilakantan, displaying his well-documented love of graphics cards manufacturers.

As with any radical initiative, the Government's proposals have met with some resistance both from allies and opposition.

“No. They cannot do this. I will consume poison if they privatize the Government”, yelled a livid Sharad Yadav, opening up a great opportunity for the UPA, which immediately began expediting the process . “I never said I would consume poison . .er . . I only meant it in an eighties glam-rock sense.”, he added minutes later, inadvertently adding to the overall hipness of this post.

Tamil Nadu chief minister Kalaignar M. Karunanidhi also expressed his opposition to the idea by pledging not to eat even a single morsel of food between mouthfuls during meals. “Break fast – this is not an instruction. Heh heh.”, he said, with a wink that nobody noticed thanks to the severe darkness of his sunglasses.

“But I thought I was the cool politician? What happened? I started a blog and did all those computer things.”, wailed a dejected L.K.Advani. “Cheaters. They have hijacked my USB . . er .. .USP.”, he trailed off, techno savvy to the very end. “Damn that Shashi Tharoor and . .what is it ? . . Flitter? Bitter? Critter ? Must look it up on Wikipedia.”, he was heard muttering to himself as he left.

Defense Minister A.K.Anthony a.k.a. A.K.A. tries out some of the totally awesome ordnance that his ministry is planning to acquire, in order to achieve pWnage over other countries.

The Ministry of Defense is also contributing to the initiative by purchasing weapons and equipment that an official press release described as 'Totally Awesome'. “Soon, we'll be packing some seriously kick-ass firepower. Can't wait to check out one of those shiny new rocket launchers and tanks. Total badassness”, chirrupped an excited defense minister A.K.Anthony a.k.a. A.K.A. “Did you know, some n00bs still refer to tanks as 'tankers'? Bloody wankers. Must be mostly bankers. If we let 'em live, they have to thank us.”, he grinned, showing that Ludakrishna and Vikram MC weren't the only Mallu rappers on the block.

“I'm glad that the Government is finally listening to the demands of the youth. If the whole of India becomes happening, then we wouldn't have to regularly hang out at Barista and needlessly spend cash.”, said noted youth representative Priya Krishnan, in her characteristic commonsense manner. “Now, if we could only replace that goofy Ashoka Chakra on the flag with the Apple logo, I'd be even prouder to be Indian.”, she said, to a round of applause from fashionable people all over the country.

The Government is also considering a slew of other proposals to make India more Happening, including the introduction of the Vulcan salute as an official greeting, the redesign of Parliament to resemble Blue Frog, and the complete eradication of S.Sreesanth.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Son of Bosey is not fakeiplplayer. Sorry to disappoint.

Okay - let's make this quick and painless. I am not, repeat NOT, the fake ipl player.

It's not my style of writing. I have never used Hindi words in Son of Bosey - I am not comfortable in Hindi, and know no Bengali whatsoever. Anyone who reads my blog regularly should find this fairly obvious.

I have no inside information about the IPL or any of the teams.

And I certainly don't shoot pompous and mysterious videos of myself speaking ominously.

Thanks for reading Son of Bosey


Monday, May 04, 2009

Son of Bosey on cricinfo

For all those who have been wondering where the hell I've been, apologies. The answer is, here.

I seem to have some unholy connect with the IPL. This year, it's a bunch of humour content that my company is providing for Cricinfo's IPL Page 2. Specifically :

  • Off The Record : Some very Son of Bosey-esque pieces, which many of you actually spotted as being my handiwork, even though it isn't credited in my individual name (we decided to credit all the stuff in the company's name - for simplicity's sake)

  • Fan vs Fan : Shorter pieces, looking at the fan's POV. Slightly inspired by Al Jaffee and Dick DeBartolo, from a writing standpoint.

  • Rule from Hell : One liners that look at the BCCI's tendency to 'draconianize' everything. Is 'draconianize' a real word?

  • EyePl TV : A daily cartoon strip written by Ravi Abburi and drawn by Vertika Beranwal.
Response has been great so far (though some Son of Bosey readers haven't been too impressed), so there's some possibility of the association continuing post IPL. I'll keep you guys informed.

Also, we've been creating some comics for KKR, featuring their mascot Hoog Lee. Head over to Sacred Cow and take a look.

Thanks for reading, and for your feedback as always. \m/

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Lalit Modi combines elections and IPL to create unprecedented extravaganza – Indian Premier elections ( I.P.El ) !

by Anand Ramachandran, who is relieved to have finally thought of something other than the now common 'Move Elections to South Africa' gag.

Showing his customary talent at creating events that are sure to generate multimillion dollar revenues, IPL boss Lalit Modi has solved the date-clash problem between the IPL and the Indian General Elections in the most innovative way possible – by combining the two events to create the Indian Premier Elections, an event unlike any the world has ever seen.

Being touted by all and sundry as a stroke of pure genius, the I.P.El is poised to take the two most prominent aspects of the IPL – hype and money – and take it to a whole new level. “While the IPL combined cricket and Bollywood, the Indian Premier Elections will add another Indian passion, politics, to the mix.”, screeched a smug-looking Mr.Modi, providing proof of the age-old adage that however rich and powerful a man might be, people will snigger if he has a squeaky voice. “That's great! More fun for the public. More cash for everyone. More chances to hang out with babes like Preity and Shilpa.”, he grinned, before losing his eyesight temporarily due to the sudden conversion of his pupils to assorted international currency symbols. “After our success at converting the wonderful game of cricket into a crass, embarrassingly over-the-top circus, we are proud to do the same service to Indian politics, which, despite the best efforts of sterling individuals such as Varun Gandhi, J.Jayalalitha, and the late Sitaram Kesri, is yet to truly become one.”, he signed off.

Lalit Modi, besides being the mastermind behind the IPL and the I.P.El, also owns the world's weirdest sofa.

In keeping with the conventions popularized in India by the IPL, the I.P.El will feature all-new avatars of India's political parties, with catchy alliterative names such as The Congress Comets, The BJP Blitzkreig, The Janata Juggernauts, The Samajwadi Samurais, The Communist Corporation, and the DMK Dumnkopfs. Each party will become a franchise, and will have a marketable logo and uniforms. In fact, the Janata Juggernauts have already come up with a cool catchphrase -“Apna Haath, Juggernaut!”

“We are inviting bids from numerous indulgent millionaires, over-enthusiastic but clueless entertainers, and shadowy foreign business houses for franshise ownership.”, said a spokesman for the I.P.El, showing that the powers-that-be had the good sense not to mess with a good idea.

I.P.El franchise BJP Blitzkreig's skipper L.K.Advani is delighted with the fit of the team uniform - which has the additional advantage of making Advaniji's physique seem eerily similar to that of Rahul Dravid.

In another exciting idea borrowed from the IPL, parties (er . . franchises) will be able to field a maximum of six overseas candidates each.”It'll be great! Imagine – the very best of international politicians displaying their skills side by side with our very own Netas! Just what the public wants to watch . .er . . vote for!”, said an excited former BCCI president Sharad Pawar, skilfully straddling the thin line between sports and politics as always. However, the overseas candidate rule has already caused contrversy, as the Congress Comets are not sure whether party president Sonia Gandhi will count towards their quota.

To confuse things further, BCCI hatchet-man Niranjan Shah has issued one of his nutty diktats – saying that no politician who has stood in any legitimate rival election can participate in the I.P.El – instantly ruling out possible superstars such as Barack Obama and Nicolas Sarkozy, and restricting the field solely to ageing dictators such as Fidel Castro and Muammar Gaddafi, and, depending on how things go in Pakistan, General Parvez Kayani.

Interestingly, the parties will all select their candidates at an 'auction', similar to the IPL, where they will pay huge sums of money to get candidates on their side . While this created a culture shock in the cricket community, it should pose no such problems in the policial fraternity, which has been doing things this way for decades anyway. The news has already got veterans Amar Singh and Jaswant Singh rubbing their (for now) empy hands with glee.

As always, public reaction has been spirited, whether positive or negative.

“Can't wait! Can't wait! This is going to be more fun than Gears of War 2!”, said Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, looking forward to the mega-event.

“Oh no! This means that now Charu Sharma will enter the world of political TV reporting, considerably lowering its already abysmal standards.” observed Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, bringing to light one of the negative aspects of the development.

“Rubbish, that's what it is. Whoever heard of combining cricket and politics? What next? Education and rummy? Speed-post and trigonometry? Ghee pongal and the complete works of L.Ron Hubbard? Absurd.”, fumed an irritated Tony Chacko, inadvertently giving ideas to a number of proto.in aspirants in the vicinity.

“Can't wait! Can't wait! This is perfect for me. Another way to strengthen my 'cool' and 'hip' image – in addition to my insufferrably blade blog, tweets and web site.”, wheezed BJP leader L.K.Advani, before leaving to conduct a quick comparison of Tweetdeck and Seesmic desktop.

Also, in news that is sure to delight mathematicians and other weirdos worldwide, sources have revealed that the I.P.El, in case of a hung parliament, will use a variant of Duckworth-Lewis to decide the winner. Good thing John Dyson isn't the Election Comissioner.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Residents violently protest against plans to erect Goundamani statue in Beverly Hills.

By Anand Ramachandran, a card-carrying member of 'Rasanakatta mummy-daddies'.

In a bizarre incident that oddly mirrors the protests in Karnataka over the Charlie Chaplin statue, residents of the town of Beverly Hills, California have taken to the streets over the proposal to erect a statue of Tamil film comedian Goundamani in their neighbourhood.

“We won't allow it! Goundamani is an outsider – he is not a part of Hollywood Industry! He is not a union member! He is not fair-skinned! He is not blonde! He is not even Christian! He is against American culture! ”, said a furious californian man named Brad, stating a number of blindingly obvious things about Goundamani, and sounding eerily like a member of the Assistant Director's Union. He soon urged the members of the mob to follow him, looking haughtily into the skies and hollering “Vaanga publics, now naanga yellarum togetheraa protesting – wokaaaay?” in a sing-song manner.

Comedian Goundamani and Superstar Rajnikanth share a friendly moment at the regional semi-finals of the All-India wig wearing championships.

Apparently, the move was proposed by the members of an obscure group called the California United National Tamil Sangam, for the noble cause of spreading Tamil culture in Beverly Hills. “These people in Beverly Hills are becoming too much attracted to American Culture, and are becoming completely westernized. So we want to do our bit to strengthen Tamil culture among them so that they will all become just like us.”, said Thol. Kaa. Thiruneermalavazhappazhaththaithinnavanthavan, the Director In Charge of the California United National Tamil Sangam, turning away from his computer terminal to give us a sound byte. “ Come on, Diana! Back to professional timepass!”, he added, before returning to typing furiously using his elbows.

Apparently, the statue, which is ready for installation, captures Goundamani in his trademark pose – kicking fellow comedian Senthil on the behind. The statue shows Goundamani in mid-kick, one foot on the ground and the other making contact with Senthil's enormous derriere. The comedian himself has reportedly given his approval, with a press release that stated “Statue of Libertyaavadhu, Statue of Pubertyaavadhu! Adhu yellam kadakkatumdaa, come on friends, bring the new stachoo and start kondattams! Yah!

“Hey, I know that guy! He's the one who always kicks the other guy and calls him names! He's okay – I don't see a problem with a statue of him! It'll be fun!” said Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, surprising everyone by actually recognizing Goundamani. “Hahahaha – what's that thing he says? Wait . . I got it . . . Dai Kaattu Panni! Hahahaha!”, he signed off, marking possibly the first time that those words were uttered by someone with a thick east-european accent.

Sparks are flying fast and furious, as is the case when any such 'culturally sensitive' issue crops up.

“Goundamani's body of work, unlike those of the poets Thiruvalluvar or Ilango Adigal, is not exactly the best tool to spread Tamil culture among the undoubtedly westernized denizens of Beverly Hills, even assuming you wanted to do so.”, said Shankar Sundaram, a noted proponent of Tamil culture, and a renowned Goundamani scholar. “Just imagine the results if you were successful – thousands of white American people walking around screaming “Dai Kaattu Yerumai!!” through gritted teeth, and kicking people who ask them simple questions about objects such as lemons or the half-moon. I doubt that anyone really wants this scenario.”

Goundamani berates fellow comedian and sidekick Senthil for refusing to enter the All-India wig wearing championships.

“Why would anyone want to erect a statue of Goundamani in the United States? Why would you want to prevent American people from following American culture?” asked an obviously annoyed wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, cutting through the clutter and asking the right questions as always. “Considering how often Goundamani spits, the only culture he might spread is Sputum culture!”, he grinned, getting the best lines once again.

“Why is everyone in this post spouting Goundamani-style lines?” asked an irritated Priya Krishnan, inadvertently breaking the fourth wall. “Just because they are speaking on an issue related to Goundamani doesn't mean they have to speak like him! What nonsense bloody disturbance yaa – come to me, Peter! Disco dance aadalam – start meezik! ”, she said, clapping once and making an expression like a constipated CBI officer.

“What's all this nonsense about statues of comedians in strange places? Chaplin in Karnataka! Goundamani in Beverly Hills! What next? A statue of Johhny Lever on the IIT campus? A statue of Advaniji on the moon?” asked BJP leader and Gujarat CM Narendra Modi, letting slip his true opinion of the party supremo. “And while they're making statues of comedians, they may as well do one of Eddie Blake and put it up near India Gate.”, he winked, smartly cornering the comic-book geek vote bank in the process.

Meanwhile, the proposed statue has also caused consternation and envy among other comedians in the Tamil film industry, such as Vadivel, Vivek, Karunaas and Prashanth. "We have been unselected.", said a visibly disappointed Vivek. "But who cares? At least I have a Padma Shri, unlike these other losers.", he added with a smirk, brightening up instantly.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Bollywood Actors to use 'acting doubles'

Bollywood continues to innovate. While it is common for actors to use 'stunt doubles' for scenes that they find too difficult to perform, Bollywood actors have now started using 'acting doubles', for exactly the same reason. From now on, specially trained 'acting doubles' will fill in for superstars such as Shah Rukh Khan, Sunjay Dutt and Kareena Kapoor to perform all the on-screen histrionics that the stars themselves aren't skilled enough for, leaving them free to attend to the really important stuff, such as partying, appearing in news items, squabbling with each other and generally indulging in shameless self-promotion.

“It's very simple, you get doubles to do all those difficult things that you're not skilled enough to do. So this makes perfect sense.”, said alleged actor Salman Khan. “Now, finally, I can pull off all that pesky 'emoting' stuff that these idiot directors keep on harping about”, he said, suddenly ripping his shirt off and flexing his right pectoral. “You know, in the old days, they used to be called 'Dupes' The venerable Sivaji Ganesan always used to use 'Dupes' for tasks that were beyond him, such as cycling, skating, swimming and pretending that K.R.Vijaya was sexually attractive”, commented a tired looking Cho.Ramaswamy, pleased to contribute to a snippet for the first time.

This revolutionary new technique has spawned great demand for 'acting doubles' for several Bollywood superstars. Apparently, Anil Kapoor requires a double for pronouncing the word 'Millionaire', Sushmita Sen requires a 'chin double' to hide her double chin , and Hrithik Roshan (see pic) urgently needs a 'stop grinning like an idiot' double. Aamir Khan, as usual, has refused to have anything to do with the whole issue, since he's way too posh.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Muthalik's offer of performing free marriage ceremonies delights young couples facing opposition from parents.

by Anand Ramachandran, with hat tips to Aditya Khanna, Sumant Srivatsan and Aravind Murali - all three unshakeable pillars of Indian culture.

Shri Ram Sene leader Pramod Muthalik's promise to seek out romancing couples on Valentine's day and get them forcibly married has found unexpected support among young couples whose parents are opposing their marriages.

“Our deepest thanks to Mr.Muthalik. Our parents have been opposing our marriage plans, but now all we need to do is step out and hold hands on Valentine's Day, and our dear friends from the Shri Ram Sene will help us get married. Hooray! Jai Shri Ram!”, said an excited Sankalesh Jimmy, and quickly dashed away to locate a pretty girl whose parents would find him objectionable. "Hahaha - any parents who oppose our marriage will just have to deal with the Sene! Perfect!", he muttered to himself, even as the idea spread like a virus with a particularly hasty agenda.

“Oops! Didn't think of that!”, said Mr.Muthalik, and vanished in a puff of embarrassment.

Shri Ram Sene supremo Pramod Muthalik engages in a rap battle with rap superstar 50-cent, to convince the rapper to change is name to 50-Paise, in accordance with Indian culture. The fact that 50-Cent is not an Indian apparently makes no difference to Shri Muthalik.

“Hahahaha, what an idiot!”, said an amused Tony Chacko, returning to Son of Bosey due to increasing public pressure. “ What will he do if he finds married couples romancing publicly? Get them married again?”

“Oops! Didn't think of that!”, said Mr.Muthalik, and vanished again, this time in a puff of growing discomfort.

“It's a great innovation by Muthalikji, and I'd take my hat off to him, if I wore one.”, said opposition leader L.K.Advani. “He's found a way for dealing with young people who are facing opposition from their parents. Now, if only he would come up with a similar solution for young people whose parents are in the opposition. And for opposition members whose parents are young people. And for people who are the parents of a young opposition. ”, he signed off, running out of viable permutations.

“Grrr. Here we go again.”, said Mr.Muthalik, and vanished for the third and hopefully final time, in a puff of surrender. He was subsequently seen eating his way out from under a mountain of pink lingerie.

Mr.Muthalik and the Shri Ram Sene have, through their antics, caused predictable ripples throughout the nation, with everybody whipping out rolled-up copies of their personal agendas and leaping joyfully into a racuous and jolly melee.

“Who is Muthalik to tell women how to behave? We shall throng the pubs. We shall drain our mugs. We shall frequent clubs. Screw Muthalik and his thugs !”, said Minister for Something Related to Women Renuka Choudhary, using rap-style lyrics to quickly to establish herself as the politician of choice for cool people. “Gee, I hope the hip set votes for me now!”, she thought to herself, unable to hide a smirk.

“Who the fuck are these hardliners to fucking tell us how to fucking behave in fucking pubs? Fuck all of them. We're the fucking kvtl sh1t3! Youngsters are teh_r0xx0rrrzzz”, screamed MTV roadies creator Raghu Ram on TV, effortlessly strengthening his brand image as the iconic representative of today's youth (or at least the ones who express themselves by gratuitous swearing).

“All these things are against Indian culture. Being happy, acting kindly towards others, loving everyone regardless of religion or caste, tolerating differences and being generally intelligent and reasonable have no place in Indian culture!”, barked a spokesman for the hardline loonies who support Muthalik and his ilk, effectively stating that “Indian culture is against Indian culture.” He also expressed the view that his organization would continue to oppose things such as pubs, women, women who go to pubs, lolcats, laptops, lolcats who use laptops, ball-point pens, all versions of Super Mario Bros, VGA connectors, electric shavers and adhesive tape – since none of these were mentioned directly in the Vedas.

Rajasthan CM Ashok Gehlot has mistakenly called for a ban on Culture Club, leaving club culture safe for the moment. This is bad news for all those who insist on singing 'Karma Chameleon' whenever anyone shows up at a party with a guitar.

Sources have revealed that Rajasthan CM Ashok Gehlot has mistakenly declared a war against Culture Club instead of club culture, leading to an unprecedented burning of Boy George effigies across the state. “Hahahaha! His name is gay lot!”, said a nearby youth, before busying himself by attempting to destroy India's culture by indulging in some of Rajasthan's finest.

In related news, videogame giant CAPCOM has announced that their next game will be titled 'Resident Evil : Pub Culture', where the protagonist, the last remaining pub patron in a dystopian future, will have to fight off hordes of crazed saffron fundamentalists - armed only with a rolled-up copy of the Human Rights Act of 1993. Sounds like fun - and wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, in the nick of time, will be looking forward to the release.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Ramalinga Raju to star in new film 'Millionaire Slumdog'

Finally, there's some good news for former Satyam chairman B.Ramalinga Raju. If sources are to be believed, he has been approached by renowned director Danny Boyle to play the lead role in his next venture 'Millionaire Slumdog', which will be based on his own real life story.

Reversing the fairytale storyline from his earlier hit 'Slumdog Millionaire', Boyle's new film will be about an extremely wealthy man who eventually ends up as a common prisoner due to extreme stupidity. “It's the story of a man who goes from cooking his books to being booked as a crook. Look look, it's a rook! I took this hook and look – don't it soock?” rapped a frenetic Blaaze, resorting a Yorkshire accent to squeeze in another rhyme.

“Wow! Ramalinga Raju acting in a film about Ramalinga Raju! That's like Shah Rukh Khan acting in a film about Shah Rukh Khan! Or William H.Macy acting in a film about William H.Macy. Or Grand acting in a film about Grand. Or . . er . . heh heh . . I guess you get the picture!”, said a sheepish-looking Arnab Goswami, for once realizing that he was yammering on about something that his viewers had figured out several hours ago.

“I'm delighted that Slumdog Millionaire, which has me in it, has won such global acclaim. I hope that this film, in which I play a meaty role, wins at the Oscars. This would mean so much to everyone, including me, who was involved in making this project such a great success, such as myself.”, said an eerily leery Anil Kapoor, quite unaware that Boyle, and everyone else, were getting on with their careers.

In good news for Kapoor, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is constituting a new category “Best performance in mispronouncing the word 'millionaire' multiple times in a film”, just to reward his efforts in creating interesting variants such as 'Millioneer, Millonier, and Millenner.'

Returning to Mr.Raju, the former industry big-wig is hoping that the film will gain him public sympathy, enabling his eventual release from prison, and eventual success in politics. “Worked for Sunjay Dutt, dinnit?” he signed off with a surprisingly elfin grin.

Recession, budget cuts force Bollywood to produce first ever combo-sequel, 'Chandni Chowk to Drona'

Thanks to decreasing budgets due to studios tightening their purse strings in difficult financial times, many Bollywood filmmakers have been forced to revisit their plans of making crummy sequels to crappy films. However, the men who have delivered two of Bollywood's most stunning duds in recent times, Goldie Behl and Nikhil Advani, have come up with an innovative solution to the problem – they're pooling their resources to come up with a combo-sequel that will be a single film that is a sequel to two separate films.

“A combo sequel is a great idea. Basically you take elements from two different films and make a sequel to both of them by combining these elements in a random manner to create a disjointed, incoherent, clumsy mess – exactly in the spirit of the originals!”, said an excited studio executive.

“Yes, 'Chandni Chowk to Drona' will combine all the best elements of the two recent mega-flops. It will be an unforgettable blokbuster grand gala large canvas multi-starrer brouhaha heidiheydihoh ringalingading extravaganza!”, said a delighted Mr. Behl, leaning on the age-old Bollywood technique of using random hyperbole to make up for the lack of genuine ideas.

“Who says there is a lack of genuine ideas?”, said an irate Mr.Advani, skilfully managing to read the previous sentence and respond to it in real time. “ There are hundreds of daft ideas in CC2C and hundreds of lame ideas in Drona. And, as any man of science will tell you, two negatives make a positive!”, he said with a wink.

As always, this innovation has given ideas to many more producers, and rumours of possible abominations such as 'Yuvraaj Story 2050' and 'Bhootnath's Victory' could be true. Stay indoors.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Ramalinga Raju pleads innocence, blames videogames for fraudulent activities.

by Anand Ramachandran, who blames videogames for his videogame addiction.

Disgraced Satyam Computers chairman B.Ramalinga Raju has blamed the popular videogame Grand Theft Auto for his corporate crimes, saying that playing the latest version of the hit series influenced his behaviour.

Andhra Pradesh CM Y.S.Rajasekhar Reddy presents B.Ramalinga Raju with a copy of Grand Theft Auto IV (PS3 version), little realizing that it would evetually corrupt Mr.Raju's mind, forcing him to commit an 8000 crore scam despite his honest nature.

“It's all because of violent videogames like GTA IV which encourage and glorify criminal behaviour, that my poor, innocent client Mr.Ramalinga Raju was brainwashed into comitting fraud running into thousands of crores.”, said a lawyer representing the former corporate honcho. “Videogames such as these should be banned, otherwise more white collar criminals may begin to use them as excuses . .er . . i mean . . .”, he trailed off, looking around nervously.

“Yes yes. It's all Niko Bellic's fault”, said former Satyam CFO Srinivas Vadlamani. “ If not for GTA IV, my pristine and lamb-like innocent mind would never have been corrupted, and I would never have agreed to aid and abet India's largest corporate fraud.” However, Vadlamani has admitted that GTA did give him some useful ideas on how to deal with the 'jerks who ratted on him and Mr.Raju'.

The response from Rockstar Games has been immediate and clear. “Whoa! 8000 crore Indian Rupees? Cool! That gives us an idea for a whole new franchise – Grand Larceny 2009!”, said company CEO Terry Donovan, excitedly jotting down ideas on a paper napkin.

Raju's tactic of laying the blame on videogames has, expectedly, given ideas to several other champions of ineptitude and incompetence across the country and even overseas.

“I would like to take this opportunity to blame FIFA 09 for the poor performance of the Indian football team over several decades. In fact, Championship Manager 2008 is the reason why the Indian Football Association has completely mismanaged the sport for the last fifty years.”, said an excited P.R.Das Munshi, grateful for the sudden chance to explain away his failure to improve Indian football's international standing.

“Yes, yes. Legendary game designer Peter Molyneux's PC game 'The Movies' is to be blamed for me delivering an all-time turd like 'Chandni Chowk to China' ”, chirruped a delighted Nikhil Advani. “Videogames like this are what cause otherwise brilliant minds such as mine to come up with retarded plotlines, characters and scripts which insult a viewer's intelligence.”, he added, wisely deciding against blaming the puzzle classic 'Exit' for audiences leaving the cinema hall halfway through his movie.

World famous anti-gaming activist and lawyer Jack Thompson has also been quick to join the blame game. “I blame the 'Phoenix Wright : Ace Attorney' series for my catastrophic track record of losing every single anti-videogame case I have argued, and being disbarred from practicing in various states.”, he said, before displaying his well-documented ignorance by adding “ Or it could be 'Harvey Birdman : Attorney At Law', I'm not really sure.”

There have also been increasing reports of people blaming 'Forza Motorsport' for retarded driving, 'Mirror's Edge' for inept parkour, 'Cooking Mama' for substandard dinners and 'Baldur's Gate 2' for the complete absence of dragon-slayers in India.

“Shite. Too bad there's no game such as 'Overemotional News Reporter 09' so that I could explain away my propensity to attach needless and irresponsible emotional weight to otherwise ordinary issues.”, wheezed a surprisingly candid Barkha Dutt, furiously googling in vain.

However, the videogame industry has gained some support from unexpected quarters.

“Rubbish. You can't just blame videogames for everything.”, said Science and Technology minister Shri. Kapil Sibal, before proceeding to add Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh to his 'Gears of War 2' friend list. “How would Ramalinga Raju react if I melee attacked him with a chainsaw bayonet, and then blamed it on Cliffy B?”, added Mr.Sibal with a glint in his eye.

“This whole trend of people blaming videogames for their crimes is a load of hokum. I play a lot of 'Deer Hunter', but that doesn't mean I drive around the countryside yelling 'Yee-Haw' and putting bullets into gazelles, blackbuck and antelopes.”, said long time gaming advocate Vinay Nilakantan. “In fact, I doubt that people who actually do, such as Salman Khan and the Nawab of Pataudi, have played even the tutorial levels of the all-time classic 'Deer Hunter' series”, he added, displaying an unnatural regard for the 'Deer Hunter' franchise.

“Why this sudden insistence of mentioning Gears of War so often on Son of Bosey?”, asked Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, surprisingly going off-topic. The editors soon reassured him of his pre-eminence on the blog, over other contenders such as Gears of War, Sankalesh Jimmy and ZZtop.

Returning to the news at hand, it has been rumoured that Mr.Ramalinga Raju has asked his jailers for an XBOX and a copy of cult classic prison-break game 'Escape from Butcher Bay'. Images of Mr.Raju as Riddick (with those shining eyes) are too amusing to contemplate further, so we'll stop now.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

'Surangani' outbreak on passenger flights baffles Airlines, Aviation Ministry.

by Anand Ramachandran, who is shocked by the fact that Surangani is no longer sung on school and college excursions.

A strange epidemic which has whole groups of people travelling on airlines breaking out into spontaneous group renditions of 'Surangani', in true excursion style, has perplexed cabin crews of airlines all over the country.

“We've never seen anything like this. After we've been flying for a few minutes, they all just start clapping rhythmically and sing 'Surangani'. It's amazing!”, said a stewardess from Kingfisher, softly muttering “maalu maalu maalu, suranganika maalu” under her breath.

People on a Kingfisher airlines flight joyfully break into a rendition of Surangani, ad-libbing lyrics inspired by the pretty girl dancing in the aisles.

“It's quite strange. The scene is exactly the same, regardless of the flight, passengers, or route. Apart from the clapping and discordant singing, there are other staples – different people trying to 'lead' with their own favourite verse, some passengers who don't know the lyrics 'winging it' by singing the 'maalu maalu maalu' part really loud, and a couple of others who are too posh to sing along , but who just clap.”, explained Naresh Goyal, chairman of Jet Airways, making his debut on Son of Bosey. “It could also be due to the startling similarity between the layout of a passenger aircraft cabin and a tourist bus.”, he added thoughtfully, retsraining himself from scratching his non-existent beard, or anyone else's, for that matter.

Scientists have immediately linked this behaviour to a similar phenomenon that will be familiar to anyone who has been on any bus or van excursion in Tamil Nadu – where otherwise diverse groups of people (students, IT professionals, families, it doesn't matter) inexplicably begin clapping and singing Surangani after about twenty minutes on the road, ignoring the many thousands of other available songs that can be sung badly off-key.

“We're not sure why it always comes down to Surangani. Perhaps it's the catchy tune? Perhaps the fact that an imaginative (and dirty) mind can easily make up verses on the fly? Perhaps 'Nessun Dorma' is not quite within the vocal range of most excursion-goers?”, pondered a scientist, speaking on behalf of the Group for Advanced Analysis of Nonsense and Absurdity (GAANA).

A typical Surangani attack experienced by a group of youngsters travelling by bus to Tiger Cave (or possibly Buhari Blue Lagoon, it's impossible to tell for sure.)

“Perhaps it is because thousands of people who otherwise travel by bus and van are now taking to the skies, thanks to my dynamic initiatives in lowering the costs of flying.”, said Civil Aviation Minister Praful Patel, taking the opportunity to gain some mileage for himself. “And you must admit, I have one of the cooler names among politicians. Much better than dweebs like P.Chidambaram, P.R. Das Munshi and the late Ghani Khan Chaudhary.”, added Mr.Patel with a debonair wink, before trotting off to play Gears of War 2 with Minister of Shipping and Road Transport T.R.Baalu.

“Heh, gotta love Surangani. I remember one bit about 'Kiss kudutha kaas kuduppa Queen Mary's Ponnu . . . “, trailed off wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, trying hard to remember the exact words.

“Wait, wait! I know one! er . . wait . . it ends with 'Pachchamolagaa pottu thinna kaaram kaaram!”, said an excited Aravind Murali, forgetting the lyrics as usual.

“Suraangani is actually a Sinhalese 'baila' song about a man buying fish for a girl.”, said an authoritative Vishwanathan Srinivasan, demonstrating his knowledge of Sri Lanka. “ Sri Lanka is also home to the water monitor lizard, known locally as Gabragoyan.”, he added, in an Arun Lal-like departure from the relevant topic.

“While I must agree that Surangani is undoubtedly the chart topper, we must not ignore the popularity of other perennial favourites such as 'Veetukku veetukku vaasapadi', 'Nara naraa', and 'Jigujikkan Jigujikkaan Jikka' (sung to the tune of Nandavanaththil oru aandi)”, said famous gaana expert Sarath Dorbala, creator of several popular ditties himself. He soon excused himself, after delighting the crowd by softly muttering “Kamaluukum Rajanikkum Sandai . . . “ under his breath.

While the Surangani epidemic rages on unabated, there has fortunately been no similar outbreak of the forgotten Bappi Lahiri classic “Lovers. Nightlovers.” or that song in which Bali Brahmabhatt emerges from a helicopter. There must be a God.