Thursday, September 18, 2008

Anticipating strong comeback, selectors pick Ganguly for England series, drop him again for New Zealand tour!

by Anand Ramachandran, who can't really think of a witty by-line for this post.

In yet another suprise move, the Indian selectors have picked Sourav Ganguly for the home series against England in December, saying that they anticipated that he would make a great comeback. Oddly, they have also dropped him for the tour to New Zealand in March next year, quoting 'poor fielding' and 'youth policy' as reasons.

“Why resist the inevitable? We have seen in the past that Sourav is anyway definitely going to make a stunning comeback. So instead of looking foolish when that happens, we have decided to pre-emptively pick him for the England series. Heh heh.” said chairman of selectors Dilip Vengsarkar, managing to sound idiotic yet extremely reasonable at the same time. Immediately thereafter, he followed up by saying “Sometimes you have to take hard decisions. Sourav is a great cricketer, but someone has to make way to blood youngsters. Also, fitness and fielding are a concern with him. So we are forced to leave him out of the side for New Zealand.” Vengsarkar finally left the press conference when he was heckled by a group of possibly inebriated fans who pointed at him and said “Look! There's Sunil Joshi!”

Inspired by Sathyaraj, Sourav Ganguly and CAB president Jagmohan Dalmiya turn out for the press conference with large 'pottus' on their foreheads. The bat did most of the talking.

Ganguly, when contacted, refused to react strongly, simply saying “I prefer to let my bat do the talking”. “Finally, a chance to show my eloquence!”, said his bat, before going on to add “ I am delighted to get a chance to play against England. I'm so happy, I'd show my nipples! If I had any, that is! Maybe I should borrow one from that bad guy in 'Man with the Golden Gun'!” before Ganguly wisely put it back into his kit bag.

On hearing the news, various cricketers and members of the public have responded in their own unique ways.

“As test captain, I am delighted to have a tried and tested player like Sourav in the team. I am sure he will be an asset, and his experience leading the side will definitely be a huge help to me in my captaincy.”, said Anil Kumble, looking around hopefully.

“As test captain, I am delighted to have a tried and tested player like Sourav in the team. I am sure he will be an asset, and his experience leading the side will definitely be a huge help to me in my captaincy.”, said M.S.Dhoni, with a confident grin on his face.

“Who says the selectors don't look to the future? Looks like the Colonel is keeping a tight Vigil on things! ” quipped Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, taking a short break from following up on the upcoming release of Diablo 3.

“Ganguly shouldn't have been dropped for New Zealand. His batting average of 46.2 for the England series was the second highest in the Indian team, and how can anyone forget his match-winning 122 in the first test ?”, said renowned quizzer Sumant Srivathsan, exhibiting his vast general knowledge even regarding events that have not yet occured. “And don't forget, Ganguly was instrumental in the Kolkata Knight Riders reaching the final of the IPL in 2009!”, he barked curtly, before disappearing suddenly when someone travelled back in time and prevented him from attending the conference.

Despite sharing the first three letters of his name with both of them, Vengsarkar's (centre) resemblance to Venkatesh (right) is far greater than his resemblance to Vengayasaambar (left).

Vengsarkar's press conference was beamed live on TV throughout the nation. “Eh? Why is Telugu actor Venkatesh speaking about team selection?”, asked a bewildered Tony Chacko.

Commentator Arun Lal, when asked for an opinion, simply said “Did you know that the Great Indian Bustard is found in the arid grasslands of India? It stands at about a metre tall, and mates during the month of May. An endangered species. Tsk, tsk. Ennnndannngerrred.”, shaking his head knowledgeably. “Hah. Who says that Son of Bosey has only one Wildlife Expert?”, he thought to himself, smirking.

In related news, a survey has revealed that an astonishing 93% of Tam-Brahm households had at least one uncle who humorously referred to Vengsarkar as 'Vengayasambaar'.