Saturday, June 21, 2008

Kamal Haasan Inspires Tamil Film Industry to Institute Aaskar Awards!

by Anand Ramachandran, who is not 'insteet' but 'practical'.

In a quick and stunningly pro-active response to Kamal Hassan's comments about the Oscars, the tamil film industry has instituted a new award that will honour accomplishments in areas that are important to local sensibilities and context.

The awards will be known as the AASKAR (Academy that Agrees Stupidly to Kamal's Arbid Requests) awards, and will be handed out at a glittering ceremony at German Hall next March.

Renowned actor Prakash Raj proudly displays the Aaskar that he is going to win for 'Best Performance as a Bad Guy Who Talks Like a Good Guy'.

Speaking on behalf of the newly formed academy, film fanatic Tony Chacko said “We will honour all those things about Tamil cinema that snobbish institutions like the Oscar Awards continue to ignore. For instance, we will have an award for 'Best Class Film', and 'Best Mass Film'.”, he said, to thunderous applause from Perarasu. Apparently, the Aaskars will also honour films with 'Best Youth Subject', 'Best Pathos', and 'Best Sincere Lou'.

There will also be a range of unique awards for actors, in categories such as 'Best Performance as a Hero's Friend', 'Best Sister Role', and 'Best Performance by Charlie as a College Student'(which, of course, will go to Charlie every year). Awards have also been announced for outstanding performances in categories like 'Rich Girls', 'Marwari Aunties', and 'Panchayat Heads'.

“This is great news!”, gushed an ecstasic Priya Krishnan, known all over the world for her love for cinema. “Now we can all play chess!”, she said, strangely.

“I hope this is not some sort of a joke or spoof. ”, said Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, breaking the fourth wall with consummate ease.

Apparently, writers and technicians will also be given their due. Among the awards for their contributions are 'Best Griffness in a Screenplay', 'Best Punch Dialogue', 'Best Needless Special Effects' and 'Best Interval Bang'. There is also rumoured to be a special award for 'Best Performance by Vijayakumar as Sarath Kumar's Dad' (which, of course, will go to Vijayakumar every year).

The award itself is a statuette that depicts Kamal Hassan screaming with rage (at the Oscars, probably). “It's a truly grand trophy”, said well-known architect Chiraag Kapoor, cheek firmly in tongue (er . . tongue firmly in cheek . . er . . both are same). The trophy has been designed by someone named Thyagu.

Kamal Haasan, rejecting preliminary designs for the Aaskar Award Statuette, expresses his displeasure to the designer (not in picture).

In order to avoid the embarrassing situation of Grand (Kamal Hassan) not winning any award, the organisers have decided to give him a 'Lifetime Achievement' award for his entire lifetime. “His entire lifetime is an achievement!”, said R.S.Prasanna, a lifetime fan of Grand's lifetime.

In fact, the academy is not only celebrating Tamil Cinema, but will have certain awards for excellence in other language films as well. 'Best Pointless Rahul Bose Film', 'Best Original Bollywood Song that Eerily Resembles A European Hit', and 'Least Hopeless Kannada Film', are some of the categories that will cater to the rest of the country.

The announcement has sent producer Oscar Aaskar Ravichandran into fits of desperation, as he now has to change his name once more. According to sources, he has shortlised 'Aughscar', 'Wahskhar', and 'Gavaskar' as possibilities.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

India, Sri Lanka, Malaysia, Singapore form Gopal Palpodi Nations Organization!

by Anand Ramachandran, who misses classic radio commercials.

In a political move that has stunned the world, the nations of India, Sri Lanka, Malaysia and Singapore have formed a new alliance known as the Gopal Palpodi Nations Organization (GPNO), based on the popularity of the world-renowned Gopal Palpodi tooth powder in these regions.

External Affairs minister Pranab Mukherjee proudly displays a pack of Gopal Palpodi, which he purchased from Mustafa Centre.

“Gopal Palpodi is the one thing that unites us all! Indhiyaa Malayseeyaa Ilangai Singappoorill sirandhadhu, Gopal Palpodi!”, said external affairs minister Pranab Mukherjee. “Gopal Palpodi. Gopal Palpodi. Gopal Palpodi.”, he added, effortlessly switching between male and female voices, before signing off with a “Ting-Tonggg.”

This was confirmed by the heads of states of the other three nations as well, who chorused “Gopal Palpodi is the key factor in cementing our political and economic ties as nations. And don't forget – it's good for your teeth!”

According to the official press release, the GPNO will work towards securing peace and harmony in the region, increasing trade and tourism between the nations, and ignoring Indonesia.

“Never mind SAARC, SAF, The Non-Aligned Movement and all those other blade ideas Nehru and the others came up with. This is teh_pWnage!”, grinned a delighted Vinay Nilakantan, avid gamer and long-time Gopal Palpodi user. “Don't forget that GPNO is an anagram of PONG, making it all the more awesome!”, he said excitedly, before trotting off to acquire the mobile gaming rights for the iconic tooth powder brand.

“Gopal Palpodi is an interesting brand name, in that the first syllable of each word once again forms the first word, and what's left forms the second word! To elaborate, GO(pal) + PAL(podi) = GOPAL(palpodi). Isn't it great?”, explained renowned maths specialist Sheela Shankar. “Hmmm . . . that gives me an idea for a book. I'll call it Gopal, Escher, Bach!”, she thought to herself with a smirk.

“It's all a scam! There is no Gopal Palpodi available in Malaysia. Only Vicco Vajradanti! I checked!” yelled a disappointed Vishal Thyagarajan, taking time off from his Tolkien-reading sessions to make his point. He also said that the famous Gopal Palpodi radio advertisement was inferior in quality when compared to the one for Bison undergarments.

The international community has reacted in their own unique ways. The United States has ordered the CIA to dig up all the information they can about Gopal Palpodi, the Japanese have begun pronouncing it as 'Gopaarru Parrupodi', while the English are expecting rain at Wimbledon. The Maldives and Mauritius have applied for membership to the GPNO, causing an official from the external affairs ministry to remark “Eh? They're two different countries? Then what about Madagascar?”

Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh has offered to host the first GPNO summit at New Delhi. “To tell you the tooth, I'm delighted that all the leaders will gum here and attend the summit”, he said, wisely deciding against adding “I hope that the GPNO will exert its influence from the equator to the molar regions! ”. The summit will be attended by luminaries such as Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, Chess Fanatic McNaToj, and, making a triumphant comeback, the members of ZZTop.

In related news, the makers of Laljee Godhoo Asafoetida are planning a rival alliance, but have so far only succeeded in roping in T.Nagar, Luz, and parts of Kilpauk.