Saturday, November 29, 2008

Congress, BJP looking to consolidate terrorist vote bank.

by Anand Ramachandran, who is being very, very serious.

In the wake of Mumbai's darkest hour, politicians from the Congress and the BJP are showing admirable focus and dedication by striving to consolidate their polictical positions among the hitherto untapped vote bank comprising global terrorists and terror groups.


“You can't deny it – terrorists and their sympathisers are also valuable votes. Heh heh – and as any politician knows, a vote is a vote is a . . er . . vote.”, said a grinning Narendra Modi, simultaneously looking around for any nearby terrorists he could canvas to.


Home Minister Shivraj Patil, nattily attired as usual, poses for cameras before hurriedly leaving the scene to attend 'meetings' to discuss 'long-term strategies' to combat and prevent the terrorist attacks that occured on the 26th of November in Mumbai.


“I'm sure all terrorists will vote for us. After all, we have provided them with all facilities – retarded Intelligence, a coastline full of holes, a home ministry headed by a Doofus. What more can they ask for?” said Union Home Minister Shivraj Patil, suddenly sitting down due to the immense physical strain of speaking three full sentences. “Gasp. Gasp. Wheeze.”, he added, before leaving to apply Brylcreem on his hair.


“Not a chance. Every discerning terrorist knows that the BJP has been working for their betterment for the longest time. Even know, we are busy rousing rabble, starting the blame game, and generally preventing everyone from focusing on the job at hand.” said BJP supremo L.K.Advani, holding a nearby railing for support, reeling from the immense physical strain of speaking three full sentences. “Wheeze. Gasp. Wheeze.”, he added, before leaving to apply Brylcreem on his . . er . .ah . . no, wait. Moustache. That's it. Moustache. Right, on with it.


This model from a commercial for Brylcreem looks uncannily like Home Minister Shivraj Patil, except that he seems to show absolutely no concern for the recent horrors in Mumbai. No, wait . . .


“The Congress party is truly secular – we want all terrorists to vote for us, regardless of whether they are Hindu, Muslim, Christian, Jew, Buddhist or from the Church of Diego Maradona.”, said Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. “Don't worry, inflation is under control. Fiscal deficit will be reduced. We are a judicious blend of industrial and agrarian economies.”, he replied, retiring to his comfort zone when queried on his government's plan to combat terrorism. He then quickly dialled Congress president Sonia Gandhi to verify the spelling of 'agrarian'.


“We will defend the country. We are always good at defense. Like all true Itali . .er . . . Indians!” said Prime Mini . . . .er . . . Congress President Sonia Gandhi. “Don't put me on the defensive. Or you'll be caught off side. Hey – did you realize that off side is a term common to cricket and football?”, she rambled, resorting to a stream of consciousness technique to avoid answering questions on intelligence failures and security flaws.


The usual regular Son of Bosey public members were unavailable for comment, as they were too busy being disgusted with politicians.Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar was unavailable for comment, as he was too busy being too busy.


Oddly, President Pratibha Patil failed to issue a significant statement to reassure the people of India, as she apparently has no idea that she is the President. “Wasn't Abdul Kalam the president? Oh wait . . he was PM, no? The President is that nice young Black man who looks like Lewis Hamilton.”, she said, before shifting to make room on the presidential sofa for one of her relatives.


TV channels were unavailable for comment, as Barkha Dutt was too busy practicing weeping convincingly, Zakka Jacob was too busy exercising his jaw, Rajdeep Sardesai was too busy trying to keep his eyes and adam's apple from popping out of their respective sockets in excitement, and Prannoy Roy was too busy borrowing Brylcreem from Shivraj Patil.


Terrorists have been bewildered by this move from the parties. A spokesman for one of the groups asked “Votes? Us? We aren't even Indians. Why would our votes matter to the Congress or BJP? We appreciate all they have done for us, but unless they grant us citizenship and voting rights, we cannot possible vote for them.” This has resulted in the Congress party moving with unprecedented haste and efficiency in granting citizenship to all terrorists, paving the way for a larger vote bank. For once, the BJP has agreed with them, and not placed any roadblocks in the way of the process.


Vice President Hamid Ansari was unavailable for comment, as no one was able to prove that he actually exists.


At last report, a number of random politicians were seen 'inspecting' the affected areas, with a number of policemen, soldiers and commandos standing nearby, heroically resisting the temptation to bash their heads in. More's the pity.


Please note : Being a resident of Mumbai, new to the city, I am as horrified and angry at the events as any right minded human being would be. This post is a response in one of the voices I speak in - satire. I welcome comments that criticize and fuel debate, but will not publish anything I feel is retarded, hateful or ignorant nonsense. Thanks for reading Son of Bosey.

54 comments:

Nadodi Mannan said...

wow.. a post in a thousand.. your points on shivraj patil, pratibha patil, rajdeep sardesai and hamid ansari were just tremendously good.. somehow this post seems more inspired than previous ones.. keep it up..

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

Inspired? Perhaps, mate. But I usually laugh when reading my final drafts. I didn't at this one. The heart is heavy. It's just that I know no other way to respond to these assholes.

Plus - Messrs. Patil and Sardesai provide their own humour ;)

Anonymous said...

Excellent!!!!! You have described this perfectly.

Elithraniel Arawion said...

super! i loved the post.. every bit of it was truth :) that's the funniest part...

Anonymous said...

you have very wel captured the mood.. jus wondering where is Raj Thackrey!

Anonymous said...

you have very well captured the mood of the nation... wondering where our Raj Thackrey is?!!

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

anonymous - Raj Thackeray? Probably somewhere, musing on his resemblance to Azhar Mahmood. Seriously - without glasses!

Anonymous said...

ok..great..
india's PDS system to pump in some moolah now..
AKs and grenades free with rice/dal.. errr...
or the other way round??
;)

Anonymous said...

I wonder if it is too early to get satirical about this. I enjoy your posts though.

For once it is nice to see the real heroes of India on TV, actually being appreciated and applauded - the soldiers, commandos and the army. I mean, it is not their mistake that they were provided with primitive intelligence information.

Tushar Rathee said...

nice lame duck u got there

lotusfeet said...

Have always been a fan but this piece blew me away (pun unintended)...true in every word...but personally, i feel we did handle it well given the inefficient training, the composure in spite of the killing of the boss man-the ats chief n given the unprecendented scale of the incident... dont u think...also, i would love to see some blog somewhere reassuring the people of india and uniting them in the hour of need...cos otherwise this is all in vain...keep up the good work!

Chethana said...

I don't know whats worse - that you have content for such a splendid post or that its all true.

Ace said...

Just found you blog, went through all the posts .. awesome work guys .. keep it up ..

Raghavan said...

Toooooo good mate !!!! The politicians after reading your post might say, "typical SOB" ( Son of Bosey ;) )

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

everyone - thanks for reading and participating on Son of Bosey.

Is it too early to get satirical? I don't know. But if satire is a legitimate way of expressing views and engaging in discourse, then there's never been a better time.

Kabali said...

I am a regular reader of your blog but I do find it depressing that Mumbai (and its politicians and parties) is the target of your satire in this post. I try to place myself in the shoes of those who were affected and who happened to read this post. I am not sure if they would be gladdened by this banter. As much as a die hard fan of triviality, satire and your posts, I find that this post is inappropriate in its content.

Raghavan said...

You are wondering if its too early to be satirical... but sadly on the other side of the globe, there are Indians waiting in queue for hours together to shop for Thanksgiving... and lot of emm were boozing and partying as all this was happening.

Unknown said...

Anand... :-) Thanks for this.. you've done it your way..

Anonymous said...

i'm rather sick of the 'blaming politicians' bit by now. It's the easiest way out, isn't it? it's a rather surface-level way of dealing with the whole thing. and all the 'stay out of my city, you cheap politicians' crap spouted by everyone starting from shobhaa de.
people have no idea of what went wrong and so do the easiest thing - blame politicians. that too in rather generic terms, showing off their ignorance of current affairs.
politicians can never be right, can they?
and also of the 'don't politicize terror' line... in a democracy how can you not criticize the failure of the government when it is so goddamn apparent?

Unknown said...

Brilliant post! And you are right, this time, the satire doesn't make you laugh. It makes you want to cry a bit.

Satire is the best way to do this. Express rage, I mean. You could rant for a hundred pages or you could have one Brylcreem photo.

This post deserves to be on the national press.

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

Ramsundar - er . . I don't see where I've targetted Mumbai in the post - just the tendency of Politicians to try and gain advantage out of a situation even before it has ended. I don't think it's even possible to put ourselves in the shoes of those affected, and pretend to understand how they feel - I doubt they would be cheered by serious editorial either. My intention was certainly not to trivialize the happenings, but to speak out against one single issue - the tendency of leaders like Narendra Modi and Gopinath Munde to cheapen the issue by their thoroughly inappropriate behaviour.

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

Wanderlust - It is not my stand that politicians are solely to blame. Nor do I agree that they are always villains - many of them do an admirable job of running this country against impossible odds. Kudos to them..

I also completely understand that in a democracy like ours, politicizing the issue is inevitable, and perhaps even necessary. But now? Messrs. Modi and Munde can show some sensitivity, can't they? If you listened to Messrs Patil and Advani on television, and they managed to inspire confidence in you, then you're probably wired differently than I am.

Politicians, like it or not, have been given power and rsponsibility, and I reserve the right to blame them if they fail in their duty. If you believe that politicians are blameless here, I'd begin to question your understanding of the political situation and process in our country.

Kaustubh said...

A truly wonderful post! I believe we (as a society) should be more careful (and aware) in assessing an election candidate's sensitivity towards these matters and his/her ability and willingness to do something more than just "strongly condemning".
On a different note, some of the annoying (and potentially dangerous) facts during last 3-4 days were the extent of live coverage of NDTV and the lack of geo-political knowledge of "experts" on CNN.

Anonymous said...

HOW DARE YOU! That is NOT Shivraj Patil - that is honbabbleable Gulzar sa'ab's picture you've so shamelessly put out there. Don't you know our home minister never gives pictures without touching and retouching his make-up and wearing his little black (or sometimes white) dress?
And you did not see such stal-warts of society like Sh. Gopinath Munde walk out, unarmed and brave into the lane surrounding Nariman House? So what if the siege had ended by then - the NSG was still combing the house and Mr. Gali ke Munde bravely went where no man had gone before - into a crowd without security, unmindful of his own safety, praise the lard. And did you not see the agility of the man when he turned back and cleared out and sped away 13 seconds later when there were a few grenade explosions and he came to know the operation is still not over? He never wanted to get in the way of the army, and never wanted to upset the militants. How else could he have behaved? He didn't even get to rouse the crowd, the poor man.
HOW DARE YOU insult our politicians? They are doing all they can to help this nation - in their spare time. The rest of the time they have their own careers to further. You think all they do is be politicians? Do you know just how hard it is to be a man (or woman) without a spine? And they say the commandos took so much time to come to the rescue because the politicians were slow - it takes time to stand up and pick up a phone when there is no backbone, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
But then I guess a man who makes his living playing games will never understand the burden of being a politician. The burden of living with the drop-dead-please good looks of a Narendra Modi, with the height of a R. R. Patil, the absolute curse of being born with the extreme intelligence of a Pranab Mukherji. Please leave them alone - they, too, are inhuman. You will never understand the trauma they go through just being on this earth when they definitely are meant for another world, another place, another time. Think about that, and think about that you too, you evil twin. Shame on both of you.

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

ps3n00b - Thank God! Gulzar is our home minister, not Shivraj Patil! Saved!!

Also, I resent the insinuation that I make a living playing games! How dare you presume that i make a living??!!?

Also, you need to get a PS3 before you qualify as n00b. So get moving to Alfa - and claim your 7361t n00bn355 ;)

Anonymous said...

i rather like the bosey trait of face recognition.
shivraj patil and gulzar... godawesome. godawesome.

Mahadevan said...

With cricketing no team willing to come to India, Lalit Modi may be tempted to plan an ITCL (International Terrorist Cricket League) Tournament. Pakistan would send a large contingent as usual, one hopes.

Nenlos said...

Hilarious! A refreshing break from all the mindless hatred and prejudice. Did you watch We, The People today? Simi Garewal wants to carpet-bomb Pakistan. Ha! The old bat!

Nepharius said...

@ Ramsundar: As a citizen of Mumbai, having known a few people who either lost someone they know, I must say that this post is NOT in any way inappropriate. I think the digs on the politicians and their vulture-like attitude is very justified and articulately presented. Neither of the sides of government had anything positive to say, with the BJP playing the vote bank and the Congress (via R. R. Patil) being in denial about the intelligence failure. I'm glad Anand has posted this piece.

@ Raghavan: Couldn't agree more with your second comment; one of my close friends told me how she was disgusted by the way her classmates went on partying despite what happened back home. It's a shame. Expats also were celebrating Thanksgiving in complete joy.

@ wanderlust: While I agree that politicians shouldn't be made scapegoats in the aftermath, we cannot take away from the fact that there HAS been a collapse of governance and security. This is not something we should let pass.

@ Anand: I have read every one of your posts. This is the first time I am commenting and I have something to say specifically about this post and about this site in general: Thank you!

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

Nenlos - I did. Simi Garewal and her ilk are as dangerous as terrorists. She's a loose cannon, and, in my opinion, should be tried for treason. Anyone willing to trade innocent lives for innocent lives is a terrorist in my book, and Simi just admitted it on national television.

Nepharius - Thanks for reading Son of Bosey.

And everyone, thanks for your vote of confidence - I was a bit nervous about the post earlier, but did what I thought was right.

Anonymous said...

Excellent post. And its never too early for satire.

visesh said...

just for curiosity, as all of this was unfolding on numerous news channels, i decided to channel surf to see what other channels were saying.

well, they didn't disappoint me at all, the saas was her nasty self, the bahu was being thrashed about the house, singing was on as usual, comedy circus re runs were on, there was comedy, melodrama, family drama, slapstick everything was on.

Even the local marathi channels were too busy showing theur regular stuff.

In a country where you mourn a politcians death with shehnai all day on national TV and no programs for a week, the common man is too small to disturb the senses of the millions of this country.

right or wrong i dont know, but i still have that anger in my head and that disgusting feeling in my stomach about this, and that is not going to go away anytime soon.

Anand, thank you for reminding us that we have a president and a vice president.

Damn, whodathunk they existed.

Anonymous said...

Really nice post. I am so full of confusing emotions which this post so accurately puts to words. Awesome !!

Anonymous said...

You have done some part of soul searching regarding politicians, but would like to hear more regarding the govt officers who don't do their jobs that they are paid to do and they are rarely sacked. ATS has been made out to be a hero because their chief died (Saluting his bravery apart) the department created to prevent terror attack (not fight for that there is the NSG Army etc.)has failed miserably and any blame will be piled on the dead officers and others will go scot free in some other department. Today the shameful and sad part of our life is we get immensely touched when any officer does his job which he is paid to do. The police departments attitude is such that every traffic signal installed for them is a new ATM, every new act passed is another commercial opportunity because they are not accountable as well and the also enjoy the fact that "Political interference" is a legitimate excuse for their cover up & inefficiency. Look forward to more write ups from you

Anonymous said...

As an Englishman with a small investment bond of Indian companies this example of free speech gives me great confidnece that I have done the right thing, even though the value is like everything else, down. But no worse than anywhere else though.

Anonymous said...

Anand, you missed out the one politician who gave up his life in protest - a former PM who registered his disapproval of the terrorists' action by choosing to die on the day. And we talk of insensitive and selfish politicians?

Nishanth said...

hahaha...LMAO!...That was wonderfull anand.
Hope ^THOSE PPL^ could see this post.

And i am really sad that S.U.Saravana Kumar didnt utter a word...atleast a comment on Brylcream :P

Keep Posting... :)

Vedang said...

just one word. brylliant.

Anonymous said...

Dar-e-Slammer i say!!!

Anonymous said...

You forgot to mention, the lone captured terrorist bears a striking resemblance to ShahRukh khan.

This is a time when India needs Abdul kalam to lead from the front.

- Amethyst

Raspberry Sorbet said...

Didn't laugh so much..not because it wasn't funny or was inappropriate..but because it's all true and may not get better..(sigh)
it is also interesting to hear you've recently moved to bombay. Welcome.

Anonymous said...

How good is this post Sir Ramachandran? [You HAVE been knighted for your services in successfully (byrl)creeming every politician's head, haven't you?!]
"Too good like anything!" is the answer.
You bash not only the proverbial nail on its puny head, but speak truth to power, people and, of course, brylcreem.
As one poster said so nicely: brylliant. Just bloody brylliant. Oh, and funny too.

Anonymous said...

Didn't laugh at this. But the black humour is very obvious :-) Good work.

On a different note, I totally agree with most of the above commenters. We need to be angry with the terrorists and their paymasters who committed these acts of evil and be as cold-blooded and unemotional as they were in dealing with them. Of course we all grieve the loss of lives and condole with the people who've lost their lives and pay our tribute to our heroes.

But being angry with politicians will not solve many problems. Of course, we need to show our anger at politicians during elections, but at this particular moment, it's time for introspection.

After all, emotional responses and abusing our political class cannot end this scourge of terrorism. We need a ruthless leader with a clear and effective plan of action to wipe them (the terrorist groups) out from where they came from.

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

Hari - "The Black Humour is Very Obvious" :)

Thanks for noticing :)

Anonymous said...

that was brilliant... anyone doubting the brilliance of our politicians can watch the kerala cm's golden words condemning the tragic family of mr. unnikrishnan and rest assured.

Anna Bond said...

The Brylcreem bit was sheer brilliance I say!

At last report, a number of random politicians were seen 'inspecting' the affected areas, with a number of policemen, soldiers and commandos standing nearby

You might wanna add "Wannabe Actors and Egoistic/Stupid Film Directors" to that.

Ramesh Srivats said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Revs said...

LOL!! brilliant!! First timer here and completely loved the post and the blog. Gonna follow u on reader. Sarcasm at its best.
PJ: If they were to knight Son of Bosey what would he be called
Answer: Sir'Casm'

You have captured most of our thoughts beautifully in words!! :)
Brylcreem for moustache?? LOL!!! :D:D:D

Anonymous said...

President hiding behind a mukkadu and vice president is not sure that he exists! At such a nation, we can only laugh. Thanks for making us laugh.

Anonymous said...

The bit about newsreaders,Touches the heart.Burka and co..a disgrace.Media ,particularly news channels, were more insensitive than politicians. News channels call kushboo, leander paes and high school principals, and those select few who are capable of imaginative theatrics and are blessed with redundant vocabulary, fr expert advise on countering terror.God save India.This ain't a wake up call for politicians as much as it is for the media operating here.For the people's sake: report news,don't make them.save the cheerleader,save the world.

Ramesh Srivats said...

Haha. This is a superb site.

Have you read the debate between Sihivraj Patil & Sardar Patel?

Check http://www.rameshsrivats.net/2008/12/shivraj-patil-versus-sardar-patel.html

Anarchy said...

Awesome post guys. Looks both inspired and inspiring.
Keep up the good work!

Marina D' Souza said...

Oh you should have a warning on this site. "Never read a post with a mouthful of any drink"

Very hard to explain to the laptop tech support guys :)

Anonymous said...

I'm reading this again, 3 months after the Mumbai attacks when so little has been actually accomplished by diplomacy. No one has been convicted, no terrorist groups have been affected and sadly the politicians are in the middle of using these events as part of their larger power struggles. While I laughed uncontrollably at some of the things written by the politicians on their blogs, this post gave me a lot of reason to laugh at the system and the politicians.