Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Apple launches iThing – nobody knows what it does, but millions line up outside stores to buy one!

by Anand Ramachandran, a proud member of the socio-religious-hip-amazingly-cool-and-even-more-cool DELL XPS cult. What? There isn't one? Oh! Damn!


World renowned cool company Apple Inc. has launched their latest product, the iThing – a strange, minimalistic handheld device with no apparent features or uses. Now available in stores globally, the iThing is unbelievable sleek, sexy, desirable and useless. While even Apple has admitted that they have no idea what it actually is, this hasn't prevented millions of Mac fans from lining up outside retail outlets from the wee hours of the morning to be among the first to own one.


Apple's new iThing has no buttons, no screen and no features. Oh, well, at least the battery life is excellent - lasting about eight to ten hours.


“I'm a fan of anything Mac. I am proud that Apple have given me the opportunity to cluelessly stand in line for hours and pay through my nose for a product that I have no idea why I need!”, said a beaming Sankalesh Jimmy, conveniently stepping in to avoid embarrasment for any of the real-life Son of Bosey regulars, such as Tony Chacko and Nishraj Gurung.


“Mac fans. What idiots.”, snapped renowned windows fanatic Priya Krishnan, while waiting for Vista to recover from a critical crash on her Windows laptop.


“The iThing will revolutionize boring old things. Just like the iPhone revolutionized boring old phones, and the iMac revolutionized boring old Macs!”, said Apple supremo Steve Jobs, immediately regretting the last example and looking around shiftily to see if anyone noticed. “The iThing is the neXTstep in a proud Apple tradition of 'minimalist' design that makes products progressively more expensive and less useful.”, said Jobs, slipping in a quick in-joke that not many picked up on.


“The iThing is amazing. Unlike windows - it never crashes, is extremely easy to use, and has absolutely no features . .er . . problems.”, said a spokesman for Apple. “Let's just face it - it's just BETTER.”, he said.


““The iThing is amazing. Unlike windows - it never crashes, is extremely easy to use, and has absolutely no features . .er . . problems.Let's just face it - it's just BETTER ”, said a proud Mac user, exhibiting the well-documented Mac fan behaviour of cluelessly repeating Apple's marketing rhetoric, making people wonder why Apple need spokesmen at all.


“Hey, that's right! You're fired!”, said Steve Jobs to the spokesman, suddenly springing into action and instantly making Apple even more profitable. “We don't need any extra features, we don't need any extra employees. We're minimalist.”, he sniggered.


When someone nearby asked why people would be dumb enough to pay a large amount of money for something that has no actual use, Jobs retorted with a wink “If they believe that a company that stupidly squandered a genuine advantage, and made a decade of crummy mistakes, before regaining its market share a full twenty years later, is full of innovative geniuses, they'll believe anything! Besides, they lapped up the iPhone, didn't they?”


“Who says the iThing has no uses?” said Wildlife photographer and longtime Mac loyalist S.U.Saravanakumar. “Like all Apple products, it can be used to raise self-esteem, and to pick up chicks.”, he said, causing nearby Windows users to momentarily consider shifting to Mac themselves. “Not that I need it, heh heh!”, he added quickly.


“I would like to personally thank Apple for making 'I' the coolest alphabet in the world.”, said an excited Aravind Murali. “Who wants some Calamari?”, he asked, before trotting off with a Japanese looking individual in the general direction of Mahabalipuram.


As usual, other companies have been upset by Apple's instant success, and swung into action by announcing plans of their own. Sony has issued a press release that indicates that they will soon launch their own version of an overpriced, useless device called the er..uh..whateverStation. Microsoft has also said that they will issue an e-mail statement, just as soon as they can get IE to boot up. Nintendo was too busy making actually interesting products to respond to our messages.


Apple, however, is not resting on their laurels. They have already started work on making a TV remote control with no buttons (but with a nice, backlit Apple logo), and a gaming console that will have no actual games of its own, but which will come with an insanely cool virtual machine for running XBOX 360 games (just so that users can say “Did you know, you can actually run XBOX 360 games on a Mac? Wow!”)

30 comments:

Anonymous said...

lol! I hear they are going after the untapped homemaker market via household appliances starting with iSuck, a completely silent, vacuum cleaner.

Arun

The Mudd said...

heyy..gooodd onee .. :D
I was actually thinking of saving up for the iphone...before they spoke abt the price that is.

N Steve Jobs.. quite a misnomer eh??

mohan said...

ROFL... Thats just sublime...

Here are a couple more cool product ideas for Mr Steve Jobs.

IScrewed - a complete home improvement kit, with 431 different screwdriver heads, most of which u'll never need.

ISucker - ISuck2.0 with GPS, 3G, iTunes and a whole lot of cool redundant features.

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

Just when I thought that I was being funny, Mr.Jobs outdoes me by making the hilarious claim that the ipod touch is the best portable gaming device!


Yeah, right. I'm going to chuck my DS and PSP into the garbage now!

amna said...

hehehe :D

Anonymous said...

Super post :D

Mahadevan said...

Anil Ambani is trying to acquire Global dealership for 'iThing' - a newspaper headline. It was in Sr.Ambani's vision says Amar Singh, unasked for.

S said...

ROFL!! I wonder what Seinfeld has to say in MS's defense. Can't beat this though.
You score on all sides :D

Anonymous said...

The blonde who stood all night in the long line outside the apple store was quite upset when she realised they were not selling the "iThong"

Anonymous said...

It was funny but felt as though I was eating the food with too much salt. It would have been funnier if it was a minimalist post or the iPost :) You should bash Microsoft, everyone will love it, even Microsoft users, but yeah it will be cliched.

- Mac user, iPod user, Apple TV user!

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

Bondhil - iThong! Haun!

Unknown said...

Apple is in advanced talks with Mithun Chakravarthy for a product named iAmadiscodancer. Both Apple and Mr. Chakravarthy were reluctant to part with details but we are told that it dances if you touch its interface.

Yes, your post did this to me!

Anonymous said...

iiiii! Bestest line in this post!

Is this a Bosey debut?

Anonymous said...

LOL. Perfect post for wanna-be-Mac-lover like me.

I am seriously dropping my idea to get iPood.

Anonymous said...

WOW Just when my wife was considering buying a new DILDO this comes along... Cutting edge stuff :)

Unknown said...

First time visitor!
Initially i thought this was real :D
Man, ROTF literally ;)

Unknown said...

LOL. And woops, no copy paste yet.

Anonymous said...

How stupid of them to hire people to form a queue... kick ass.

onejubb said...

http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Apple

while were at it, check this out!

onejubb said...

i raq
i ran
i boob

too cool

onejubb said...

http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Apple

while were at it, check this out!

onejubb said...

http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Apple

while were at it, check this out!

Arundhati said...

What an egotistic brand!!
Great 'job' there Anand.

Unknown said...

Nice post. You forgot about Linux though.

Anonymous said...

hahaha .. nice one!

Tor Vic said...

1000s of developers will clamor to build apps for the iThing only to be KLPD-ed by Apple who will deny entry into the hallowed App store if the apps add any really useful features to the iThing.

~ said...

freakin hilarious...
I so hate apple and all the pricey stupid though slick products !

AshWin said...

Include this.. They are not in Server market .. If they come.. Servers without Switches..only with a Big Apple ..

the lazy knight said...

hilarious..as always...as someone who belongs to the non-apple family (nokia and HP) i do sometimes think the noise is a bit over the top..people need to get on with their 'jobs' ;)

Deepak Gopalakrishnan said...

Machan, iThing alert! http://www.wired.com/gadgetlab/2010/01/ithing-the-real-tablet-at-last/