by Anand Ramachandran, a staunch opponent of performance enhancing drugs, but a fence-sitter on those which don't enhance any sort of performance whatsoever.
Moving with uncharacteristic speed and characteristic idiocy, the BCCI and the PCB have slapped dope-tainted speedster Mohammed Asif with a unique three -month life ban. He will be appealing the decision.
|Fast bowler Mohammed Asif tries out a nice suit to impress the judge at his next appeal against a doping ban|
“Since most life bans on active Pakistani cricketers last only between three months and two years anyway, we thought we'd pre-empt the eventuality and come up with a unique new ban!”, said an excited Prof Ratnakar Shetty, pleased to have beaten Lalit Modi to an appearance in this article. Explaining the term 'three-month life ban', he said “He cannot play any cricket for three months of his life, which is the life of the ban, which for the life of me I cannot understand. Don't take my life out for this.”
The PCB has expressed its agreement with the BCCI on the issue. “We are happy that the BCCI has taken the initiative by bumbling, covering up, and coming to a ridiculous compromise decision. Otherwise we would have been forced to do the same.”, said a Pakistani cricket official who had a name that was made up of components such as 'Brigadier', 'Mohammed', 'Ur', 'Colonel', 'Atif', 'Ul' and 'Khan'. " At least the next Pakistan Government won't have anything to overturn!", he quipped.
Mohammed Asif has denied everything. Not happy with merely denying consuming illegal substances (despite much evidence to the contrary), he went the whole hog and denied playing cricket altogether (despite much evidence to the contrary). “I have never played cricket. I never played in the IPL. It's all the hakeem's fault!”, he said, before adding “ I deny my previous denial. I never denied anything.” and running away from the press conference.
“Damn, beaten by that creep Shetty!”, thought an annoyed Lalit Modi to himself, moments before regaining his composure and adding “ Yes. We wish to adhere strictly to our policy of going easy on high-value cricketers who are good for the TV ratings, and only taking strict action on semi-retired dweebs like Salim Malik and Ajay Sharma, who don't play in the IPL anyway.” “Shit, my voice is sounding more and more like Sachin's.”, he squeakily muttered under his breath.
As always, the announcement has sparked off varying reactions in the cricketing world, without which all Son of Bosey articles would have to end at this point.
“I appreciate the BCCI for their honesty. At least this method avoids all those lengthy, tedious appeals processes and court appearances where we have to look at Asif wearing casual clothes and cooling glasses when entering the court. ”, said wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, craftily ensuring that Son of Bosey gets a high google rank for the term 'Cooling Glasses'.
“Typical. Cricket has always been a holier than thou sport that thinks it is above the law. Disgraceful.”, said former World Anti Doping Agency chief Dick Pound, immediately eliciting the response “Hahahaha – his name is Dick Pound! Hrrrmphhhfflss.”, from a group of casual drug users hovering nearby.
“This is nonsense”, said long-time cricket fan Aravind Murali. “ What's the point in meaningless bans that allow drug cheats to remain in the sport? What is this, the Tour De France?”, he asked, taking a dig at cycling, which is quite safe, since no-one cares about it anyway.
In a related development, various international drug-using sporstmen have formed a body that will be known as Professionals of Organised Drug Abuse. “PODA is our response to WADA”, said a spokesman for the newly formed body.