Tuesday, March 25, 2008

BCCI hastily bans players from appearing in TCL, BPL and other three letter combinations!

by Anand Ramachandran, who just loves old obscure cricketers and old obscure brands.

In a surprise move that follows hot on the heels of the ban on players who have appeared in the ICL, the BCCI has issued orders to completely ban all players who appear on other three letter combinations such as TCL and BPL – leading to some embarrassing results.

“Yesssss. Yesssss. Ban them all!!!! Any cricketer who has the temerity to sign up for any combination of three letters that are not I-P-L doesn't deserve to make a living!”, blathered a seething IPL chairman Lalit Modi, before regaining his composure and adding “Rrarrgghh. Hkkmmppff. (Chss-chsss)2.”

IPL chairman Lalit Modi addresses the media, while I.S.Bindra thinks of more three letter combinations to impose bans on.

“Yes. It is correct – the BCCI is imposing a complete and total ban on an cricketers who have had any association with any combination of letters such as ICL, BPL, TCL, HCL, VH1, MTV, PMS, DDT and H2SO4.”, said BCCI secretary Niranjan Shah, appearing a tad conscious of the growing prominence of his jowls and droopiness of his eyes.

"Gee. I hope they don't decide to ban TCIL.”, said a mysterious man identified only as 'Karthik'.

The decision has backfired very badly on the IPL – as it practically rules out every single cricketer who is currently signed up for the lucrative league, including icons such as Sachin Tendulkar, Sourav Ganguly and Rahul Dravid, who have all appeared several times on TCL and BPL, not to mention MTV, HCL and VH1.

“Oh, no! I have appeared quite often TCL and BPL, both in matches as well as those crappy Siyaram and Mysore Sandal ads! I guess I can't play the IPL anymore.”, said a distraught M.S.Dhoni. “Well, on the brighter side, at least I won't have to play for a team with a goofy name like Super Kings”, he added, before being engulfed by a cloud of contractual complications, leaving the audience to appreciate and applaud the array of astounding alliterations in the preceding paragraph of punctuated prose.

The IPL franchisees are suddenly in the position of discovering that their entire rosters are now ineligible to play the IPL matches, and hence a flurry of panic signings are on the horizon. According to sources, many of the franchises are so desperate that they are even willing to sign players such as Arshad Ayub (who is almost 50 years old) Vineeth (who isn't even a cricketer) and Harsh Malhotra (who hasn't even been born yet).

“This is ridiculous. Now that Dhoni and the others are ineligible, who will I pay crores of rupees in salaries to? Cho.Ramaswamy? Randor Guy? M.S.Swaminathan?”, thundered a livid India Cements Managing Director N.Srinivasan, making a long-awaited debut on Son of Bosey.

Cho.Ramaswamy nervously ponders the possibility of attending team meetings with K.Srikkanth, in the event of him (Cho, not Srikkanth) being picked for the Chennai Super Kings.

“Yay! Now we can forget about all this cricket nonsense, and get on with the fun part of IPL! Hmm . . who can I get on the team now? Lemme think . . . . Aftab Shivdasani? Mohanlal? Celina Jaitley?”, quipped a delighted Shah Rukh Khan, glad that he could now focus on putting the 'ick' into cricket.

“IPL? BPL? TCL? What are those? I only know YSL. And CK.”, gurgled an ecstatic Preity Zinta, before cluelessly signing on as brand ambassador for Vijay Mallya's Bangalore team.

Preity Zinta, oblivious of the blurry guys in the background, calls out and waves to Vinay Nilakantan (not in picture). [end of shameless google-baiting].

The BCCI has provided some succour to the franchisees (and to this bosey journalist), by relaxing the rules to exclude cricketers who have only appeared on TCL or BPL for less than a hundred hours in total. Among those expected to benefit the most from this exemption are cricketers such as Bharathi Arun, Kailash Gattani, and Rajinder Singh Ghai (all of whom played well before BPL and TCL became popular brands), and Dewang Gandhi (who was greatly helped by the shortness of his visits to the crease).

“Raju Kulkarni. T.E.Srinivasan. Utpal Chatterjee.They are all great names who will bring tremendous excitement to the games. I don't see why this should diminish interest in the IPL in any way.”, said ICL head honcho Subhash Chandra, demonstrating his expertise in hyping up a bunch of has-beens and nobodies as all-conquering superstars.

“The BCCI has made a mistake by banning TCL and BPL, which are reasonably popular brands. They should have played it safe, and cracked the scene by banning only players who appeared on SALORA, FUNAI, and NIKY-TASHA!”, said wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, making sense as always. “Wait – and don't forget ORSON!”, he signed off with a dynamic wink, to the delight of young girls in the audience.

“FUNAI? Wasn't that a VCP with recording facility?”, asked a nervous looking man identified only as 'Vinay', before being whisked away by a shadowy figure identified only as 'Sathish'.

However, all this backlash has not deterred the BCCI from furthering their aggressive stance against rival three letter combinations. When we last heard from our sources, the BCCI was busy ordering the English Premier League to refuse contracts to ICL cricketers, requesting schools not to select players who have studied in LKG or UKG, and asking Mrs.Kapil Dev not to serve dinner to her ICL-chairman husband.


Ravages/CC said...

News Just In: BCCI also bans players who have connection to the mysterious, yet dastardly, three letter combination, ICC.

BCCI forges partnership with fellow four letter acronym - PSBB.

AXE 316 said...

Haha why raa? Why only on Bosey you say my full name? Why not mapu??

Anonymous said...

who are these shadowy figures - Karthik , Vinay, Sathish? in-joke-aa?

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

Anonymous - the answer is known only to a shadowy figure identified only as "Wembuly".

Anonymous said...

'Wembuly Kaatthavarayudu brahmandanga samarpinchinaru...Samsaram...oka mrudan..kam'

Man, I remember that after ten years.

bond said...

Cho should probably start his own league... CHO :-)

Viswanathan said...

"...he added, before being engulfed by a cloud of contractual complications, leaving the audience to appreciate and applaud the array of astounding alliterations in the preceding paragraph of punctuated prose."

Man, I almost missed this part. Too good. I appreciate your use of english in humour!