Sunday, October 28, 2007

Al-Quaeda to acquire distribution rights for Vista Home Basic :

In a spine chilling twist to the whole war against terror, it has been reported that there is now conclusive evidence that Microsoft may have actually sold distribution rights for their most dreaded piece of code yet –Vista Home Basic – to the Al Quaeda.

The report has had member countries of the UN, NATO, Commonwealth and The ICC scrambling for their remote controls to see how this will affect world peace and ad revenues. Vista Home Basic has already rendered 87,000 people in Georgia homeless, turned 16 high school teachers into binary digits, incited a typhoon just outside Tokyo and has generally upped the increased the risk of cardiac arrest of over the 200 million users by 47%.

Relatives and friends of Vista users are reportedly suffer from what is being termed Operating System Backlash Suffering & Anguish (OSYBSA) caused by having to listen to millions of sob stories the answer to all of which seems to be “then why don’t you switch to Macs”. This of course does not apply to world famous wildlife photographer and Mac owner S.U.Saravannakumar whose reply was just a beatific smile.

Apparently, the Al-Quaeda has been priming its entire network just to go retail for some time now. “Our 3 pronged strategy is to first promote piracy, then make everyone buy vista, and then when they come crawling back to our call centers with their wimpy complaints of CTS, memory loss and nose bleeds just by trying to connect to wireless networks… that’s when we’ll unleash true terror”, said spokesperson Alstand Atiz, as he herded another 400 call center guys into a small metal room with the Manhattan skyline wallpapered all over it.

Al-Quaeda apparently have already been ‘talking’ to several manufacturers informing them that very soon their products will have to come bundled with the killer OS which makes Anthrax seem as fearsome as an 80’s thrash metal band. It is rumoured that soon even basic devices like Televisions, Toasters, Epilators and Thermos Flasks will become OS driven. “Talk to Osama” is the only answer you get from all Al Quaeda’s call centers in response to further questions in this regard.

Investigations have also revealed that Microsoft has been aiding Al Quaida build a strong base for their terror wars since the days of Windows ME. This reporter was unable to get any interviews as all the people to whom the name was mentioned promptly fainted. To add more fuel to the scandal being known as BillGate, there is also further evidence of the deal in the way the rampaging California fires chose to leave house of the cruel dictator alone.

It is also being speculated that the IRA was contemplating buying the controlling stake in Corel Draw but that story just refused to get funny.

12 Year Old Indian Boy Adopts Angelina Jolie !

by Anand Ramachandran, who approves of adoption, adolescence, and Angelina Jolie.

In a sudden surprise move, a 12 year old boy from Chirala village in Andhra Pradesh, India has announced that he will be adopting 'Tomb-Raider' actress Angelina Jolie as his mother.

P.G.Vilash, a student of standard seven belonging to a lower middle class family, has successfully convinced the adoption authorities that it would be greatly beneficial to his lifestyle if he were to adopt the wealthy, world-famous Hollywood superstar as his adoptive parent.

“I hear that Ms.Jolie is a great fan of adoption, that too involving children from what she perceives as third-world countries. Hence we expect no problems from her side.”, said Vilash's father Victor Prasad Rao. “Hooray! Finally I'll be rid of the snot-nosed brat and his hideous Pokemon collection.”, added a jubilant Mr.Rao, offering to take all the reporters gathered to the beach as a special treat.

“Watch out, Maddox, here I come!”, giggled an excited Vilash. “Goodbye SodexHo passes! Goodbye BSA-SLR! Hello Private Jet! Hello Beyonce!”, he exclaimed, punching his fist in the air, and behaving eerily like the mechanics from 'Pimp My Ride'.

A nervous Brad Pitt tries to prevent Angelina Jolie from going 'Tomb Raider' on her children for watching too much TV.

Apparently, a letter has already been sent to Ms.Jolie informing her of the developments. Its contents are reproduced below.

Dear Ms.Jolie,

Hope you are well, and have survived the events of 'Mr and Mrs. Smith'. This is to convey the good news that, beginning the 9th of November, 2007, you will be the adoptive mother of P.G.Vilash, aged twelve, from Chirala, India.

No doubt you will be delighted to hear this, as we are told that you prefer adopted children to even your own. Vilash is a studious, well behaved child who will benefit greatly from being a part of your globetrotting, extravagant, lifestyle, something he could never hope for in a random dump like Chirala.

We are confident that you and Mr.Brad Pitt will be able to provide Vilash with all that a needy child really wants – access to wild backstage parties, a really big Plasma TV, a chance to sit on Beyonce's lap – you get the general idea.

Thanks for, and looking forward to your continued support.

Yours very sincerely,



P.S. Loved you in 'Gia'. Woo-Hoo.

“I love Indian kids, and my support for adoption is well documented, but this is a bit much!”, said a visibly flustered Ms.Jolie. “ Besides, I'm not used to handling children without an 'x' or 'z' in their names!”, she added, trying desperately to wriggle out of the situation.

“Er . . what if we change his name to Xerxes? Or Zapata? Or maybe Xrinivasan ?” offered Ms.Jolie's partner Brad Pitt helpfully, earning a cold glare for his efforts at trying to solve the problem.

Despite Ms.Jolie's reluctance, and her lethargy in responding positively to the offer, Vilash and his family are preparing in full swing for his departure. Sources have revealed that some of them are currently drafting a proposal for a Jolie-sponsored family holiday in the Bahamas.

“I'm sure that Vilash will not be distracted by the wild parties at idyllic pacific resorts, choice gourmet food, next-gen videogames and a non-stop supply of hot teenaged groupies – and will fulfill our family's dream of becoming an IAS officer.”, said his uncle Visesh Rao. “Er . . or, at least, appearing for the exams.”, he corrected hurriedly, realizing the improbability of his previous utterance.

Child prodigy Budhia Singh sprints to catch the deadline for filling applications to adopt Madonna.

“What next? Maybe Budhia Singh should adopt Rihanna. Or Maybe I should adopt Ali Larter!”, quipped renowned Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, with a knowing wink, before abruptly setting off for some frenzied googling.

Though public reaction has been mixed, reliable sources inform us that the editor of The Deccan Chronicle has been admitted to the hospital with a rare case of extreme anticipatory euphoria.

BCCI moots new 'Twenty-Fifty' format for cricket.

by Anand Ramachandran, who thinks T20 is great fun.

In a moment of rare innovation, the Board of Control for Cricket in India has proposed a radical new format of the game that they claim will boost cricket's popularity to unprecedented levels.

Under the rules of the new format, christened 'Twenty-Fifty', or T50 cricket, The Indian team would get to bat fifty overs, and the opposition will get to bat 20 overs. Field restrictions would also follow the same method, with 15 overs of power play when the Indians bat, and six overs when the opposition bats.

Predictably, the rest of the cricketing world was sharply divided over support to the new format.

“It's completely unfair and biased towards the Indian team, mate. How do you expect the opposition to win if Ajit Agarkar can bowl only four overs per match? ”, said Australian captain Ricky Ponting, cutting right to the crux as always.

Indian cricketer Ajit Agarkar exults, on learning that Twenty-Fifty cricket gives him far fewer opportunities to give away runs.

“Twenty-Fifty cleverly combines the charm of the fifty over game with the thrills of Twenty-Twenty! Everyone is going to love it!” chirruped a delighted Lalit Modi. “And everybody knows that cricket only makes money when India wins! It's perfect!”, he gurgled, inadvertently giving away the true motive behind the BCCI's promotion of T50.

The BCCI has denied allegations that the new format was designed to favour the Indian team. “On the contrary, it is a known fact that Indians actually prefer batting for twenty overs than for fifty. Look how often they have crossed 200 in T20, but struggle to cross 150 in ODIs. Being the world champions in T20, and a bunch of losers in the fifty over format, they will actually be at a disadvantage in Twenty-Fifty.” argued Board Secretary Niranjan Shah, sounding dangerously reasonable.

“Yeah, I agree with Niranjan on that one”, said Ravi Shastri, suddenly grabbing the mike from a nonplussed Mr.Shah. “ The Indian team needs to improve their consistency in playing 50 over innings, and what better way than to force them to play in a format that forces every team to play the form of the game that they are weaker in. Anil Kumble is a tall man.”, he said, surreptitiously slipping in a cliché when no-one was looking.

“Take a scenario when a team like Australia bat first and score 180 in twenty overs – we would then have to bat for a far more strenuous 50 overs to get the score. What's more, having batted only for twenty overs, their fielders will be far fresher and able to stop runs more efficiently! It's unfair!” complained a flustered Yuvraj Singh. “Some teams have all the luck – the format is loaded and unbalanced!”, he grumbled, unintentionally saying the right things.

“. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . “, said umpire Steve Bucknor, brandishing his annoying 'enigmatic' smile.

“After years of domination by the so-called western cricketing countries, it's time someone stuck it to them! Take that, Aussies!”, barked an excited Sunil Gavaskar, thumbing his nose in the general direction of Australia.

“The ICL will provide unmatched opportunities to youngsters! We fully expect to conduct a successful tournament. The BCCI sucks!”, said Kapil Dev, getting at least one of his three statements right.

World renowned widlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar was unusually effusive in his praise. “Who cares? Bring it on! Everything is just peachy now that Kimi has taken the championship”, he grinned, revealing his well-documented love of Formula 1 once again.

As of date, nobody has approached Arun Lal for comments.