Monday, March 26, 2007

Indian Cricketers Seek Irish Citizenship in Desperate Bid to Play Super 8s.

by Anand Ramachandran, in between gulps of beer

In a cunning and daring move, several members of the Indian cricket team have hastily applied for Irish citizenship in the hope that they will be able to represent Ireland in the latter stages of the Cricket World Cup, from which India was eliminated in the first round.

Anil Kumble, all decked up in green, appeals to the Irish Government to grant him citizenship.

“I think it's a great idea. This way, we can finally achieve our dream of getting tonked by all the top cricketing nations in the Super 8 stage, where we truly belong.”, said Irishman-to-be Sachin Tendulkar, grinning evilly at press persons gathered to hear the announcement.

Apparently, the applications of the Indian players are being fast-tracked to enable them to qualify for the team before the Super 8 matches begin. “Thanks to our newly introduced Tatkal scheme, we can process the applications and have the necessary papers ready by lunchtime”, said Pavan Kachibatla, chief executive of the Board for Creating Citizenship for Indians (BCCI), and strangely, also of

A spokesman for the Irish Government said, in between gulps of beer, that his Government was delighted to offer citizenship to the Indian players, and did not consider it unfair to the present Irish cricketers. “Look, mate, we're going to get our butts kicked by the big boys of cricket anyway. So how does it matter if there are some Indian players in this sorry, losing side? Doesn't change a thing for either team.”, he said, quite reasonably.

Sources have revealed that several of the Indian players are also changing their names for the occasion, resulting in names such as O'Ganguly, O'Tendulkar, and O'Dhoni. “This shouldn't be a problem. They've been regularly adding Os against their names for years”, quipped Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, adding a touch of his trademark tongue-in-cheek humour before leaving for Bristol once again.

“Brilliant! Whoever said that the Indians lacked strategic and tactical thinking?”, said Sunil Gavaskar, before adding “Australia sucks! England sucks! Oops – sorry!”

“Well, at least now we can say that we beat Pakistan again at the World Cup. Heh, Heh.”, pointed out coach Greg Chappell, clutching at straws as usual.

“We're focussing on the processes. Once the processes are taken care of, the results will take care of themselves.”, said Indian captain Rahul Dravid, pointing frenziedly at some Power Point slides. When questioned on why this thinking had failed to deliver results, he retorted “What do you mean? Of course we've produced results. They may be bad results, but they're results all the same.”

“Yay! I'm so happy, I feel like showing my . . . “, squealed a delighted Mandira Bedi, before abruptly deciding that perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to imitate Dilip Vengsarkar after all. She also reiterated that she was happy that there would be more matches featuring her favourite players, so she could continue to do what she does best - wear bizarre clothes, annoy viewers and cut off Charu Sharma in mid-sentence - for a few more weeks.

Harbhajan Singh was not available for comment, as he had rushed off in the direction of the Sheraton Towers the moment he learned that he was to report in Dublin.