Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Delighted fans celebrate Indian win by building house for Sehwag, printing out posters of Yuvraj, Tendulkar.

by Anand Ramachandran, who recently demolished a neat lunch.

Reacting to India's world record batting performance against Bermuda on Monday, delighted and retarded fans all over the country showed their appreciation by building houses for their favourite cricketers, printing out their posters, and dressing up in ugly clothes.

“When the players do badly, we show our anger by demolishing their property, burning their posters, and dressing up in ugly clothes. So this is only fair.”, said one of the young fans, quite reasonably.









Cricket fans in Najafgarh, looking eerily like the inbred primates who demolished Dhoni's property in Ranchi, dress up in ugly clothes and reject an initial design for a new house for opener Virender Sehwag.

A mob of fans in Virender Sehwag's hometown of Najafgarh took to the streets, and frenziedly began building him a palatial house on a plot of land they forcibly grabbed from its lawful owner. “Sehwag is our hero – he has scored a great hundred and given us joy. So it is only logical that we build him a house with our own hands”, screamed a delirious guy named Singh. “ We are passionate about cricket!”, raved a delirious guy named Mohan Kumar, who happens to be a spokesman (don't we love 'em) for the Fans Association of Najafgarh South (F.A.N.S.).

Excited fans elsewhere in the country celebrated by printing out hundreds of posters of their heroes, prominently Yuvraj Singh and Sachin Tendulkar, and waving them about like so many intoxicated langurs. “Damn, my printer is all out of yellow”, said a downcast Nishraj Gurung, looking at his magenta-tinted poster of Sourav Ganguly.

“Damn! I got only 29. Hope they'll at least build me a DUPLO truck.”, said wicketkeeper M.S.Dhoni. “It's also easier to take apart when I fail with the bat”, he pointed out usefully.

“I'm so happy, I feel like showing my tits! Just like when we won in South Africa! ”, said a visibly excited chairman of selectors Dilip Vengsarkar. He also pointed out that this wouldn't be the first time that the event has occured. “ People first saw my nipples in that 'Vigil Soap' ad when I was a cricketer, so it's no big deal.”, he quipped, with the easy assurance of a veteran porn star. Vengsarkar signed off by expressing his delight at joining the exclusive club of cricket-based personalities such as Andrew Flintoff and Sourav Ganguly (whose chests have been featured prominently on television), and Mandira Bedi (whose prominent chest has been featured on television).








Delighted fans, upset with the quality of the grainy and magenta tinted inkjet printout, burn a poster of Saurav Ganguly while waiting for a new ink cartridge (not in picture).

Apparently, a group of fans from Ranchi (or Rajkot. Or Khadakvasala. Our research is admittedly weak.) are planning to dress up in ugly clothes, travel to Bermuda and demolish the house of Bermuda captain Irvin Romaine, who was out without scoring in Monday's game. When asked for a reason, one of them grabbed the mike and (after double checking whether his hair resembled that of Shah Rukh Khan closely enough) yelled “We're passionate about cricket!”.

“I think the boys played very well. We need to control the controllables. We need to vary the variables. We need to determine the determinants.”, warbled Indian captain Rahul Dravid, delighted to be given another opportunity to spout his beloved corporate sounding nonsense.

“It's a typical knee-jerk reaction. What happens if we win the tournament? Will these morons build a skyscraper for Sachin? A dormitory for Dravid? An igloo for Irfan? A urinal for Uthappa?”, quipped noted Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, displaying his talent for alliteration.

There was no comment from the Pakistan contingent, as they have been asked to speak only in Urdu, to promote tourism.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

Funny thing is, it's too close to reality to even sound funny -- It's scary! :-p

Vee Cee said...

Hilllllllarious!!!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. You made my day today. Thanks!

Cricko said...

this is the best friggin blog! thank god i can read.

Anand Ramachandran's Evil Twin said...

Thanks for dropping by and reading my nonsense, people. More World Cup based rubbish to follow, so please participate.

A and A said...

Although this is my first time commenting here, I want to say that you, my good sir, are every bit as entertaining in the virtual world as you are in the actual world!! :D

Anonymous said...

May be you should write a piece which has words such as friggin', awesome, cool and non-words such as lol, rotfl - all in one sentence.

GS said...

Can somebody please ask those irate fans to stop all construction until the IND Vs SL match?

raj said...

brilliant! Cricket brings the best out of you - and mid eighties anonymous Tamil actors, too - ARS et al! TR and Captain baiters are dime a dozen - to manufacture humour out of ARS shows real talent.

Anand Ramachandran said...

wishful thinker - hmmm . . a friend of sac's who drinks with the best of them and has survived my humour in the actual world. Forgive my insolence, but who might you be ?

A and A said...

We met at that mad illustrator's wonderful terrace/house/menagerie in Santhome when I was fixing coffee for everyone else and vodka for myself! :) Got it aa no aa? And ye know the good Sac as well?! Small bleddy world!

visesh said...

hahahahahahahahahahaha

Anand Ramachandran said...

Wishful - riiiight. Yais yais - you are correct.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious ! Hope those bastards in the carribean realise that they r not national treasures.

and yeah Dravid's corporate terminology was :)

- Shaf

Anonymous said...

this needs to be printed in a newspaper.. good stuff dude!

Mahadevan said...

Enthusiastic Siddhu recommends Yuvaraj Singh for a Rajya Sabha nomination. Najafgarh is renamed as 'Karmaveer Sehwag Marg'. Conceding Kumble's commanding height in Indian National Game, Tamil Nadu politicians announce their willingness to accept Kumble's verdict on 'Kaveri'. Sachin will lay the foundation stone for New Mumbai International Airport.

'Saurav Ganguli to succeed Buddhadev', Yechuri announces in the sidelines of a political gathering and Karat chuckles in silence. Dhoni, the Golden boy of Tata Steel town, likely to head their new acquisition - Corus.

The Indian Cricket team, takes a vow to wear only Bermuda pants till the next world cup, as a mark of celebration.

These are likely catchlines in the next few days in the Newspapers.

Unknown said...

I finally have something to do when i am bored of work :)

D LordLabak said...

ROTFL...this is awesome. Why is Kumble excluded?

Minerva said...

'Dravid's corporate nonsense' - LOL;

ur nonsense makes an interesting read!! :-) ..

(jst kidding!) love your sense (or shd I say nonsense) of humour!

Anonymous said...

Believe it or not !! Chappel actually says that the loss in the World cup was a team effort !! hahahah !! when i saw that article the first thing that came to my mind was ure blog

"loss in South Africa was a team effort"

Check this out !
http://content.msn.co.in/Sports/Cricket/Stories/CricketPTI_240307_1209.htm

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Anand Ramachandran,

I have become your FAN but don't worry I will not build you a house yet:-)