Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Indian Union Ministers to Undergo New ' Swearing - At ' Ceremony.

by Anand Ramachandran, under the influence of nothing at all

Continuing the recent trend of major innovations in the Indian Government, the traditional 'Swearing In' ceremony to introduce new union ministers will be replaced by a brand-new 'Swearing At' ceremony, Government sources revealed last week. The new procedure will also be implemented for State Governments as well.

"I've always looked forward to Swearing At the Prime Minister and his cabinet at the end of a long, tedious election. So this is an innovation I'm going to enjoy.", said Dr. A.P.J.Abdul Kalam, President of India, licking his lips in anticipation. Governors all over the country have expressed their approval of the new procedure as well. "It's most important to Swear At the entire bunch of ministers in right earnest, so that they may remember to discharge their duties to the best of their abilities.", said Mr.S.S.Barnala, Governor of Tamil Nadu, trying not to sound too excited. "Hehehehe - finally, these ministers will get what they deserve!", he said, failing miserably in his earlier objective.

Thanks to the newly constituted 'Swearing-At' ceremony, President Dr.A.P.J.Abdul Kalam need no longer mutter under his breath when meeting with ministers, as seen in this photograph.

According to the new procedure, all the ministers will be required to stand in a line before the President. One by one, they will then step forward and prepare to be sworn at. The President will then administer some well-chosen oaths (notably in Punjabi, but Tamil, English and some South American languages will figure prominently as well, we were assured), which the ministers will be required to repeat word for word. It's all going to be jolly good fun, if the early rumours are to be believed.

"The key is in the wording of the oaths", said world-famous swearing specialist Tony Chacko. Apparently, the oaths that are to be used in the Swearing At are being prepared by a hand-picked team of internationally renowned specialists, including Chris Rock, Glenn McGrath, and R.Parthiban. Poornam Vishwanathan has also been roped in to add some Tam-Brahm flavour, contributing words like 'Moodhevi', 'Dharidharam' 'Ayyayyo' and 'Sheniyan' into the mix. Sources have also revealed that Kamal Haasan was overlooked for a place on the panel, because the international experts felt that there was no longer any use for the oath 'Bloody Blackguards'.

Predictably, politicians have opposed the idea. "It's all that @#$#@ing Karunanidhi's fault! Now we have to be sworn at by that senile Sardarji!", yelled an angry AIADMK leader Dr.J.Jayalalitha, making her debut on Son of Bosey. "It's all that @#$$#%@@ woman's fault! F-A-U-L-T fault.", screamed a livid Tamil Nadu Chief Minister Dr.M.Karunanidhi, spelling out the last word for the benefit of his partymen, and any six year olds in the vicinity. "Yippee! I'm in the previous article! $$#@ing Hey!", grinned an excited DMDK leader, and potential Offense Minister Vijaykanth, skirting the main issue as always.

Some party leaders have, however, welcomed the move. "It's a good idea. Better be sworn at by the President than by the general public.", reasoned N.Chandrababu Naidu, drawing from his rich personal experience in the field.

Dr.Subramanian Swamy was unperturbed by the development. "Anyway there's no possibility of me being anywhere near the Government in the near future. So I'm cool", he reasoned nervously. "Shit! Another four! India will lose unless we bowl a better line and length", he added, saying his first sensible thing in about twenty-two years.

"This has never happened before in any country.", said Nandini Reddy, displaying her keen knowledge of world history. " What next? Introduce swearing into schools? Harrumph!", she barked, unaware that this was already done by stalwarts like Ganshyam Dave and S.Kumar several years ago.

Several groups have objected, saying that there should be no room for obscenities in parliament. However, Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar was quick to differ. "Why Not? We've been having politicians in parliament for years.", he pointed out, causing the protesters to disperse quickly, hastily tucking their newly bought copies of 'The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari' under their arms.

In related news, the BCCI has received a number of e-mail requests to introduce a similar procedure for the members of the Indian cricket team.