Thursday, October 26, 2006

Government of India to Appoint Offense Minister.

by Anand Ramachandran, with thanks to Vishal, who celebrates his birthday today, depending on which day you're reading this.

In a shock announcement, the Government of India has confirmed that they will soon be appointing the nation's first ever 'Offense Minister'.

"After a careful evaluation of the global and regional political situation, and keeping in mind the nation's best interests, we have come to the conclusion that it's time to kick some ass." said a safari-suit clad spokesman from the PMO. " And as you well know, ass-kicking, especially on a global scale, cannot be executed by a mere Defence minister. Offense is the need of the hour.", he added.

Vijaykanth (Gap-Tian to friends and admirers), prepares for the coveted Offense Minister post by priming his ultimate weapon - facial hair. Don't believe us? Here.

"Cross border terrorism must be dealt with severely! The General thinks he looks soooo damn tough in his fatigues, eh? Well, eat THIS, Mushie! Tee Hee Hee!", giggled a nervous Shivraj Patil.

"Offense is the best form of defence!", said Ravi Shastri, delighted to be able to use one of his cliches in a situation other than a cricket match. "Emphasizing defense all my cricketing life got me nothing but chants of 'Hai Hai' and endless stupid jokes. Offense is the way to go.", he admitted candidly.

The search is on for the right candidate. "We need someone who is tough and intimidating. Between you and me, I don't think cross-border terrorists are going to quake in their boots at the sight of A.K.Antony!", winked Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh. Early indicators point towards a clutch of favourites for the job - the frontrunners include M.S.Dhoni, Vijaykanth and several high-school geometry teachers named Mrs.Abraham.

A certain section of the Congress party is actively promoting the candidacy of Chuck Norris. " Have you seen Walker, Texas Ranger? Delta Force? Chuck's the man! India's enemies, beware! Ready! Steady! Go!", yelled Ghulam Nabi Azad, losing the plot in all the excitement. "No problem. Been there. Done that.",he replied smugly to those who asked how he would deal with drumming up support for entrusting a foreigner with such an important post.

Expectedly, the Southern states are showing a definite preference for Vijaykanth. "No one can do a better job of intimidation than the Gap-Tian.", said an intense Bindhumalini Narayanaswamy, one of those who has sworn a blood-pact to serve Vijaykanth until death. "He has shown his commitment to the country on several occasions, notably in Gajendra, Narasimma and Vanchinathan!", she pointed out. "Even Americans have realized the value of screen heroes, when they appointed Arr-nauld as governor.", said Hui-Apps, confirming the popular conception that most people in South India are on first-name terms with Mr.Schwarzenegger. "Machan, pudhu Arr-nauld padam paathiya?", he asked,out of force of habit.

" Well, I don't know - I'll probably go with Dhoni", said wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, recently returned from Bristol. " Once he teams up with Dr.Kalam, we'll be the only country that has two prominent leaders with fashionably long hair.", he said, providing a rock-solid argument as always.

In related news, newly appointed External Affairs Minister Pranab Mukherjee is reportedly quite disappointed with his new job. "EXTERNAL Affairs? But I thought it was . . . ", he trailed off, looking forlornly at a picture of Angelina Jolie.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Deccan Chronicle to Drop News Coverage Altogether.

by Anand Ramachandran, who insists he reads DC because of its 'superior sports coverage'.

Leading Chennai newspaper Deccan Chronicle has revealed plans to drop news coverage altogether in the coming months.

“Yes. It's true. We intend to cut out all the frivolous nonsense like politics, finance, science and sports so that we can focus on strengthening our paper's core content like Angelina Jolie's fuel bills (and, of course, those of her adopted four-year old son Maddox), blurry photographs of celebrity pets and Vasundhara Singh's birthday party”, said a spokesman for the paper.

Leading newspaper Deccan Chronicle, not to be outdone by the HINDU, shows off its very own redesign.

“That will teach those blade idiots at 'THE HINDU' – them and their silly redesign. Mario Garcia my ass!', he muttered smugly.

The move is apparently intended as a marketing strategy – to distance the Chronicle from more serious, news oriented publications like THE HINDU, India TODAY, Southeykai Sarati and Son of Bosey.

However, sceptics have a different view. “Now they no longer need to hire highly paid reporters. Just an internet connection, some young photographers and a party-goer who can remember names – and Bob's your uncle. Much cheaper.”, said wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, hitting the nail on the head as always.

“Ha ha! That's the second time these Son of Bosey idiots have poked fun at a company with the word 'Deccan' in its name.”, pointed out an unusually observant Sankalesh Jimmy, quickly hatching a plan for a get-rich-quick lawsuit.

But sources at the Chronicle insist that politics and science don't interest people anymore. “Our research reveals that an overwhelming majority of people would rather see the cleavages of Heather Locklear or Bipasha Basu than those of Kapil Sibal or M.S.Swaminathan. Hence proved.”, said an important looking man in a brown suit.

"In any case, our readers are less interested in what we cover, and more interested in what we uncover. Heh, heh.", quipped Sanjay B., a key investor in the newspaper.

Readers of the Chronicle can now look forward to more pages dedicated to content that will appeal to the paper's core audience. A press release from DC (Wah! A press relesase by the press themselves!), revealed a preview of some of the planned regular features that will be appearing in the paper :

Cleaning Liquids of the Rich and Famous – Every week, one celebrity will reveal the exciting details of the soaps and detergents they use at home to keep things squeaky clean.

Party Crasher – Chronicle photographers enter parties they aren't invited to, and take pictures of the guests, domestic staff and furniture from weird angles, mistakenly assuming that people will be thrilled to look at drab pictures of drab events that they were lucky enough not to be at.

Sexed-Up Su-Do-Ku – In their crazed efforts to give sex appeal to every square inch of DC, the editors present a new take on the annoyingly popular Su-Do-Ku puzzle. Instead of boring old grids and numbers, the puzzle will now simply feature a blurred picture of a swimsuit model downloaded from the net. At last, all those who are too dumb to solve Su-Do-Ku can now enjoy the popular craze.

Innovative as ever, Deccan Chronicle reinvents SuDoKu to suit the tastes of its readers.

Angelina Jolie Watch – Every issue of the paper will now feature three separate articles on the Tomb-Raider bombshell, instead of the current count of just one. There will also be a special section dedicated to Maddox, and, if there's some space left over, to Brad Pitt and the rest of the gang . .er . .family.

Party Crasher II – Complete coverage of all the parties over the weekend that were cancelled due to rain. Or floods. Or lack of guests.

The announcements were made at a lavish party hosted by Deccan Chronicle, which was attended by an assortment of people whom the DC photographers mistook for celebrities. Among those spotted having a good time were random folk with names like Sanjeev, Anita, Asif and Sheela.