Wednesday, October 18, 2006

ICC, BCCI Pledge to Work Together to Completely Ruin Cricket by 2008.

by Anand Ramachandran, who thinks Charu Sharma should take up space travel. Or even space residence. As long as he doesn't take up space on TV.

The ICC and BCCI have decided to set aside their well-publicised differences, and will work together with the common goal of continuous and total degradation of the game by 2008, according to a joint press release from the two organisations.

ICC Chief Malcolm Speed, seen here stoutly refusing to listen to any ideas that may actually improve cricket, has pledged to work with the BCCI to the complete detriment of the game worldwide.

“Yes, it's true. There are plenty of crappy ideas and idiotic schemes on the anvil at both the ICC and the BCCI, so it only makes sense to team up. Both organisations are deeply committed to screwing up cricket as much as possible.”, said ICC chief executive Malcolm Speed, defying logic as usual.

Among the more radical steps being taken is the aggressive promotion of book-cricket at both domestic and international level in all cricket playing countries. “We have discovered through our deep research that shorter is better – twenty-twenty is more popular than LOIs, which are more popular than boring old Tests. Hence book-cricket, which may last anywhere between fifteen minutes to an hour per match, is ideal for spectators”, said a marketing weasel in a grey suit. “What's more, we can sell advertising on every single page of the book that's being used, especially if it's a large book, like that latest Harry Potter novel.”, he added, looking slightly unsure of himself. He also said that book cricket would eliminate bowlers altogether, something that cricket administrators have been trying to do for years.

“We like large totals, and batsmen with big knocks, who are skilled hookers!”, gushed BCCI Vice-President Lalit Modi. “We plan on introducing concepts like last-man gauge, full covering, single-side stumping and waitees, and eliminate useless rules like lbw, so that we can see more runs being scored, just like the public wants.”, he said. “We want . . .sixer! We want . . . sixer! Guns and fookin Ro-ses! Guns and fookin Ro-ses!”, he added, jumping up and down like a crazed rabbit.

Cricket coverage on television is also set for a major revamp. “ We'll do away with all the stuff nobody watches – blade analyses, stupid pitch reports, Charu Sharma – and replace it with something that appeals to everyone : cleavage! People with Tata Sky can watch from different angles!”, said Maarten Visser, a spokesman for the BCCI's marketing division. “We're going to put the 'broad' back into 'cricket broadcasting'!”, he said with a wink. He also said that the TV networks are working on software that will allow them to show advertisements in between the bowler's delivery strides.

Thanks to support from the BCCI, Mandira Bedi will continue to display cleavage and ignorance in equal measure on TV screens all over the world.

Reliable sources have revealed that the ICC is also planning to streamline cricket, and make it more marketable to people in places like the USA, Equatorial Guinea, and the Asteroid #drd701-b (although they will thankfully continue to ignore New Zealand). This may involve ridding the game of extraneous and unnecessary elements like the drinks break, the toss, and mid-off.

Not to be outdone, Kapil Dev has jumped into the fray, taking up the bowlers' cause. “It's important that there strike balance of bat and ball. I recommend use of 'rubber-cork' balls and we must introduce rules of help the bowler – like one-pitch catch, wall catch, and 'current' for run-outs.”, he said, forgetting his RAPIDEX based English grammar momentarily. Apparently, the former captain plans to set up academies all over the country to teach the nuances of 'Rude Bowling'. He will be assisted by Dharma.

“We hope that all our initiatives will help completely destroy cricket as a sport, and convert it into a happy, colourful Mela – so that we can all be happy!”, beamed an excited BCCI president Sharad Pawar. “Shut Up! Eat cake!”, he said cheerfully to a group of concerned cricket fans nearby.

Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, a keen cricketer himself, was not happy with the state of affairs. “These developments are really going to test cricket! Let's hope the game will emerge stronger one day!”, he quipped with a grin, wisely deciding against adding “ Hindsight is always twenty-twenty!”

Sunday, October 15, 2006

New Film on V.V.Giri sparks off 'Giri-Giri' craze.

by Anand Ramachandran, especially for Mrs.Sheila Inbaraj.

In the wake of the nationwide 'GandhiGiri' mania caused by the hugely successful 'Lagey Raho Munnabhai', comes a brand new craze that is sweeping across India – 'Giri-Giri', inspired by low-profile former president V.V.Giri.

The sensation has apparently been sparked off by a rather sedate, 45 minute documentary on the rather sedate Dr.Giri called, quite appropriately “The V.V.Giri Story”, by young filmmaker Jai Shankar Iyer. “ I never really expected it to take off quite like this.”, said a visibly emotional Iyer. “Let's hope Giri-Giri can transform the nation in the same way Gandhi-Giri did. Booyakasha!”, he added, surprising those present with an impromptu Ali-G impersonation.

“It's inexplicable! People all over India are suddenly solving their personal problems by attending blade meetings, shaking hands with random diplomats, signing assorted papers, and supporting Bangladesh – just like Dr.Giri would.”, said an excited Priya Krishnan, making her second appearance on Son of Bosey.

Among the many products introduced to cash in on the Giri-Giri craze are an autobio-graphic novel, V.V.Giri action figures, and downoadable ringtones based on the former president's more memorable speeches (not in picture).

In addition, it has been reported that a disturbingly large number of people are suddenly becoming slightly balding, middle aged men who look mildly like batman. (What? Whaaaat?!? Oh, really? Just look at the picture. Hah!)

“Actually, I wonder how his name can be V.V.Giri?”, asked renowned wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, currently in Bristol for the WildScreen film festival. “Technically, his name is VenkataGiri VarahaGiri, and can only be shortened to V.Giri V.Giri, or maybe V(Giri+Giri).”, he explained, displaying his keen analytical mind, and the ability to use concepts of algebra to shorten names.

“Gandhigiri is old hat. Giri-Giri is the new mantra. Laisaalangadi GiriGiri. South Indians love Jangiri!”, yelled an incoherent Koidy, before immersing himself in his copy of 'Hellbrandt Grimm' once more.

Various companies have already moved to cash in on the Giri-Giri sensation by bringing out books, posters, coffee-mugs, comics and videogames based on V.V.Giri. Airtel has also introduced a downloadable ringtone based on his famous speech at the Fourth Commonwealth Law Conference in 1971.

After the success of GandhiGiri and now Giri-Giri, there is an unprecedented interest among Venture Capitalists to fund other freedom-fighter based Giris. Among those rumoured to be in the pipeline are SubramaniaBharathi-Giri, LalaLajpatRaiGiri, and even Khan-Abdul-Gaffar-Khan-Giri.