Friday, October 06, 2006

Typographical Error Causes Government to Launch All-India Copulation Census

by Anand Ramachandran, creator of several award-winning typographical errors.

A comprehensive, and potentially exciting, census has just been launched by the Government of India to gain in-depth information about copulation in different parts of the nation.

Sources reveal that this happy accident is the result of a typing mistake in a memo sent from the Prime Minister's Office to the Census Authority.

“Kindly launch comprehensive census of Indian copulation. Detailed information required.”, reads the memo, which was leaked to the press by the Department of Press Leaks, now a fully ratified Government body.

“Population! Population with a 'P' ! That's what I meant to type!”, yelled the flustered secretary responsible for the error. Thankfully, no-one heard him, and several strategically important find-replace operations later, the census was launched.

One of the newly appointed census officers studies some official documents for India's first copulation census

Apparently, thousands of census officers will have the delightful job of traversing the length and breadth of the country, collecting details on copulation density, copulation distribution, copulation of senior citizens, and NRI copulation. “Yay! At last this job has paid off !”, said a spokesman for the POpulation Resarchers of the Nation (P.O.R.N), which has been hastily renamed to COpulation Researchers of the Nation (C.O.R.N.)

To facilitate the nationwide survey, the Central Government has requested the State Governments to appoint State Express Census Surveyors (SECS), whose main job will be to collect data on Human Biological Bedroom Activity (HUBBA). “ The success of the census will depend on the performance of secs all over the country, and how well they can gather information on nationwide Hubba.”, said Cleveland Shankar, to much enthusiastic clapping from all around.

The announcement of the census has sparked off unpredictable reactions among the general public.

“Haun”, said Chinni Jayanth and Gandhimathi in unison, when asked for their opinion on the issue. Gandhimathi also crinked up her eyes and bit her lower lip for added effect, while Chinni Jayanth simply clapped his hands and looked skywards.

Kapil Dev and Jimmy Amarnath, holding the world cup they won in 1983, express their delight at the announcement of the copulation census

“Everyone knows that copulation is the reason for population. But the minds of youngsters should not be exposed to such pollutation, so to Tamil culture I give my salutation.”, said an excited T.Rajendherr (TR to friends and everyone else), slyly making up words to fit in with his rhyming.

However, the last word, as always, belonged to (all together now) wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar. “ Since the purpose of the census is to 'reveal all', let's hope nothing is kept behind 'closed doors'.”, he quipped with his trademark humour.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Air Deccan Flight Cancelled in Mid-Air!

by Anand Ramachandran, who had to stay an extra day in Bangalore.

Customers of leading low-cost carrier Air Deccan were in for a rude shock when the flight from Chennai to Bangalore was unexpectedly cancelled – in mid-air.

“Attention Passengers”, came the announcement “ Air Deccan regrets to announce that this flight stands cancelled due to technical reasons. We regret the inconvenience”, much to the consternation of all those on board. All passengers were then requested to leave the aircraft, and make alternative arrangements. Complicating matters, while insisting that the passengers de-plane in mid-air so that repairs could be carried out, the crew refused to provide parachutes, jetpacks, or even ladders, sparking off angry reactions.

“We're a low cost carrier. Passengers have no business demanding fancy extras like parachutes, which are an extra cost on our airline – just like mineral water, air-conditioning, and general assistance!”, said a company spokesman, from a secret hideout located at 69, Venkatesan Street, Chennai-17.

“They have no business leaving us in the lurch”, said irate passenger Tariq Akbar, suddenly lurching forward due to turbulence.

“Why is there no responsible official from Air Deccan here answering our questions? There should be some accountability! Ridiculous! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah . . . . . “, said Nandini Reddy, before making an unintentional exit from the aircraft.

Air Deccan's flight attendant dives out of the plane, preferring death over dealing with irate passengers (in hot pursuit)

“I don't see what's the reason to complain! We provide lousy service at very reasonable rates, while other airlines charge heavily for the same thing!”, said Capt.C.R.Gopinath, quite reasonably. “We want to ensure that every Indian has the opportunity to experience the annoyances and inconveniences of air travel that have until now been the privilege of the wealthy.”, he added, lapsing into nonsense once more. He also expressed irritation that most people seemed to wrongly pronounce his carrier's name as Air-Dec-Khan (Rhymes with Shah-Rukh-Khan. Try it – Air-Dec-Khan, Shah-Ruk-Khan, Air-Dec-Khan, Shah-Rukh-Khan. See, it's fun!)

“Low cost carriers are cheating the public, ruining the aviation business, and, most importantly, taking away all our market share!”, yelled an angry Vijay Mallya, revealing the true reasons behind his well-publicized dislike for Air Deccan. “More Beer! More Beer!”, he added, jumping up and down waving his hands maniacally.

Wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar provided the sole voice of reason. “People should realize that Shatabdi is only best. There has never been a major disaster on any Shatabdi to date, not counting P.C.Ramakrishna letting off about the culture of Chennai over the P.A.”, he quipped with a wink.