Tamil film actor Vijay has expressed his desire to work only with directors who can offer him truly meaningless, shallow and generic roles.
“Some actors don't mind doing only exciting and challenging films day after day, dealing with countless intelligent scripts, demanding directors, and discerning audiences. But I've never really been interested in that sort of thing.”, he said, confirming something the public has known for years. “ I much prefer picking and choosing my roles – hereafter I will consider only those with the highest levels of idiocy, truly contrived situations, moronic dialogues and overall worthlessness.”, he blabbered, before finally giving his mind a well-deserved (and much needed) rest.
Tamil film star Vijay clearly demonstrates why he is different from more 'serious' performers like Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro, who seem delighted that he is quite unlike them.
Sources close to the actor have revealed that Vijay was frustrated with audiences who were increasingly only interested in watching films with skillful acting, engaging screenplays, good music, and dialogues written by fully-functional adults. “He's upset with the way things are going. He's concerned that a few years from now, nobody will be interested in watching films with precious little substance and no lasting value.”, said G.Senthil, a close personal friend and regular dinner companion.
“It's time we took more initiative to promote the kind of empty-headed, retarded drivel that we all really believe in. We understand that audiences may have a need for quality films, but we must draw a line somewhere! , said Vijay's father and noted director-producer S.A.Chandrasekhar. “Take that, Maddy!”, he growled, punching the air with his fist.
The announcement has led to mixed reactions among the film industry, critics and fans.
“He has taken the right decision. Every actor should concentrate on what his skills are best suited to. I wish I had such professional integrity and courage to refrain from needless experimentation”, said an unusually candid Kamal Haasan (Grand to friends), carelessly admitting to one of his several flaws (minus-points to friends).
“Although I do wish that he would move his lips just a bit more. It's eerie the way he speaks - like a ventriloquist who doesn't throw his voice.”, he added, before leaving to sign a brand new project in which he plays an evil wizard, a one-legged used car salesman, and a dark brown suitcase.
“Well, to each his own. I'm the sort who prefers more cerebral roles which give me a chance to show my acting ability”, said biker-actor Ajith, sending those present into howls of helpless laughter. “What? Whaaaat?”, he asked, taking off his helmet to get a better view of the gathering.
“Huh? Ewr . . who, me?”, offered Prashanth, mildly disoriented that anyone bothered to ask him for an opinion.
Vijay fans are delighted with the news. “Thank God! Now we don't have to see our Vijay Saar in blade, slow-moving films in which he is an embarrasing misfit – like Rajnikanth in 'Shri Raghavendra'.”, said lifelong fan Vishal Thyagarajan (no relation to Prashanth). Interestingly, hardcore film critics are pleased for the exact same reason.
“Let's just hope that he doesn't enter politics. Or for that matter, wildlife”, said wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, shuddering at the thought of Vijay, dressed in a wine-red suit, performing quick dance moves in the Kalakkad-Mundanthurai Tiger Reserve.
Silambarasan (Simbhu to friends, if any) was not available for comment, as he had reportedly gone to Barista, in the vain hope of bolstering his coolness factor by pretending to strum that silly guitar, and periodically looking around to see if anyone notices.