Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Indian Union Ministers to Undergo New ' Swearing - At ' Ceremony.

by Anand Ramachandran, under the influence of nothing at all



Continuing the recent trend of major innovations in the Indian Government, the traditional 'Swearing In' ceremony to introduce new union ministers will be replaced by a brand-new 'Swearing At' ceremony, Government sources revealed last week. The new procedure will also be implemented for State Governments as well.



"I've always looked forward to Swearing At the Prime Minister and his cabinet at the end of a long, tedious election. So this is an innovation I'm going to enjoy.", said Dr. A.P.J.Abdul Kalam, President of India, licking his lips in anticipation. Governors all over the country have expressed their approval of the new procedure as well. "It's most important to Swear At the entire bunch of ministers in right earnest, so that they may remember to discharge their duties to the best of their abilities.", said Mr.S.S.Barnala, Governor of Tamil Nadu, trying not to sound too excited. "Hehehehe - finally, these ministers will get what they deserve!", he said, failing miserably in his earlier objective.









kalam
Thanks to the newly constituted 'Swearing-At' ceremony, President Dr.A.P.J.Abdul Kalam need no longer mutter under his breath when meeting with ministers, as seen in this photograph.



According to the new procedure, all the ministers will be required to stand in a line before the President. One by one, they will then step forward and prepare to be sworn at. The President will then administer some well-chosen oaths (notably in Punjabi, but Tamil, English and some South American languages will figure prominently as well, we were assured), which the ministers will be required to repeat word for word. It's all going to be jolly good fun, if the early rumours are to be believed.



"The key is in the wording of the oaths", said world-famous swearing specialist Tony Chacko. Apparently, the oaths that are to be used in the Swearing At are being prepared by a hand-picked team of internationally renowned specialists, including Chris Rock, Glenn McGrath, and R.Parthiban. Poornam Vishwanathan has also been roped in to add some Tam-Brahm flavour, contributing words like 'Moodhevi', 'Dharidharam' 'Ayyayyo' and 'Sheniyan' into the mix. Sources have also revealed that Kamal Haasan was overlooked for a place on the panel, because the international experts felt that there was no longer any use for the oath 'Bloody Blackguards'.



Predictably, politicians have opposed the idea. "It's all that @#$#@ing Karunanidhi's fault! Now we have to be sworn at by that senile Sardarji!", yelled an angry AIADMK leader Dr.J.Jayalalitha, making her debut on Son of Bosey. "It's all that @#$$#%@@ woman's fault! F-A-U-L-T fault.", screamed a livid Tamil Nadu Chief Minister Dr.M.Karunanidhi, spelling out the last word for the benefit of his partymen, and any six year olds in the vicinity. "Yippee! I'm in the previous article! $$#@ing Hey!", grinned an excited DMDK leader, and potential Offense Minister Vijaykanth, skirting the main issue as always.



Some party leaders have, however, welcomed the move. "It's a good idea. Better be sworn at by the President than by the general public.", reasoned N.Chandrababu Naidu, drawing from his rich personal experience in the field.



Dr.Subramanian Swamy was unperturbed by the development. "Anyway there's no possibility of me being anywhere near the Government in the near future. So I'm cool", he reasoned nervously. "Shit! Another four! India will lose unless we bowl a better line and length", he added, saying his first sensible thing in about twenty-two years.



"This has never happened before in any country.", said Nandini Reddy, displaying her keen knowledge of world history. " What next? Introduce swearing into schools? Harrumph!", she barked, unaware that this was already done by stalwarts like Ganshyam Dave and S.Kumar several years ago.



Several groups have objected, saying that there should be no room for obscenities in parliament. However, Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar was quick to differ. "Why Not? We've been having politicians in parliament for years.", he pointed out, causing the protesters to disperse quickly, hastily tucking their newly bought copies of 'The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari' under their arms.



In related news, the BCCI has received a number of e-mail requests to introduce a similar procedure for the members of the Indian cricket team.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

there was no longer any use for the oath 'Bloody Blackguards'.

Hilarious! :)

Ravages/CC said...

Like, woah! Talk about connecting disparate pieces into one coherent whole. Woof!

Er, whatever the above line meant?

Bloody Blackguards is genius!

Ravi said...

Good one
Loved the Subramaniam Swamy reference.
Also, I didn't get the Kamal Haasan reference. Which movie is that from ?

Anonymous said...

LOL @ Dr.Swamy!But why make a traditional thing so formal?Informal sessions should be encouraged.Professional courses in the Art & Science of Swearing should be encouraged.I am sure our politicians would go one to get Phds in the area.

Soham Pablo said...

Amazing man....'bloody blackguards'.....ROTFL...

Anand Ramachandran said...

Haha - Bloody Blackguards is one of Grand's best lines ever. When he says this on-screen, you can SEE his frustration at not being able to use the word 'Bastards'. Grand is the best.

Mahadevan said...

Street corner rowdie Siva chuckles. He has the choisest slang words in his huge repertoire, suitable for all occasions of swearing at. "Sollitu Vandeengala Somarigala", a big banner, welcomes the Ministers and Members of Assembly, standing in queue, for his words of wisdom.

Anonymous said...

Poor Grand...

Which movie is it, anyway? I've been racking my brains trying to remember, but my memory fails me :)

Anonymous said...

When I was at school, this "political speech" was making the rounds:

(Politician clears his throat before addressing the audience). "Periyorgale, Thaimargale, Munnal irukkum Mundangale, pinnal irukkum pisasugale, side-il irukkum Somarigale..." and it went on in this vein.

I can now imagine the "honourable speaker" speaking thus in our assembly :)

Anonymous said...

Ahhh! Just remembered - Grand didn't have the guts (or heart or permission or whatever!) to say "Bloody Bastards!" on screen, but Rajanikanth did!

There was this old movie - I think it was the Tam version of "Coolie", where Thalaivar meets two goons in a warehouse, and goes "Vickkyyyyy, Bastaaaaaaaaaard". (The English Language is inadequate to represent Thalaivar's unique accent/pronunciation. In fact, no written language is up to the task, methinks).

Poor Grand :)

krishnachaitanya said...

Good write up man

Anonymous said...

Too good to be true... :(

Anonymous said...

hahaha!!! bloody blackguards!! we still use that at home!!! Its too Tam to forget...

sac said...

i vote for thamizh swearing. no other language i've heard yet quite matches the visceral tone of thamizh swearing. in fact i call for blacking-out all english and hindi signboards till this is implemented.

Suuren D'sa said...

top drawer humour....

just picture the prez going hard at the guys...
'Bemani! Kasumalam! Saavu girakki....'

shakuni said...

good piece.
but why is kamal called grand? or is some private joke among you guys?

Anonymous said...

>just picture the prez going hard at
>the guys...
>'Bemani! Kasumalam! Saavu girakki...'

ROTFLMAO!

Imagine our well known octogenarian politican who hides behind dark glasses go "Ippozhuthu... manbumigu bemani savu girakki amaichar avargal... medaikku vanthu padhavi erpar" in his gravelly voice!

Haha!