Wednesday, October 18, 2006

ICC, BCCI Pledge to Work Together to Completely Ruin Cricket by 2008.

by Anand Ramachandran, who thinks Charu Sharma should take up space travel. Or even space residence. As long as he doesn't take up space on TV.






The ICC and BCCI have decided to set aside their well-publicised differences, and will work together with the common goal of continuous and total degradation of the game by 2008, according to a joint press release from the two organisations.











speed
ICC Chief Malcolm Speed, seen here stoutly refusing to listen to any ideas that may actually improve cricket, has pledged to work with the BCCI to the complete detriment of the game worldwide.




“Yes, it's true. There are plenty of crappy ideas and idiotic schemes on the anvil at both the ICC and the BCCI, so it only makes sense to team up. Both organisations are deeply committed to screwing up cricket as much as possible.”, said ICC chief executive Malcolm Speed, defying logic as usual.






Among the more radical steps being taken is the aggressive promotion of book-cricket at both domestic and international level in all cricket playing countries. “We have discovered through our deep research that shorter is better – twenty-twenty is more popular than LOIs, which are more popular than boring old Tests. Hence book-cricket, which may last anywhere between fifteen minutes to an hour per match, is ideal for spectators”, said a marketing weasel in a grey suit. “What's more, we can sell advertising on every single page of the book that's being used, especially if it's a large book, like that latest Harry Potter novel.”, he added, looking slightly unsure of himself. He also said that book cricket would eliminate bowlers altogether, something that cricket administrators have been trying to do for years.






“We like large totals, and batsmen with big knocks, who are skilled hookers!”, gushed BCCI Vice-President Lalit Modi. “We plan on introducing concepts like last-man gauge, full covering, single-side stumping and waitees, and eliminate useless rules like lbw, so that we can see more runs being scored, just like the public wants.”, he said. “We want . . .sixer! We want . . . sixer! Guns and fookin Ro-ses! Guns and fookin Ro-ses!”, he added, jumping up and down like a crazed rabbit.






Cricket coverage on television is also set for a major revamp. “ We'll do away with all the stuff nobody watches – blade analyses, stupid pitch reports, Charu Sharma – and replace it with something that appeals to everyone : cleavage! People with Tata Sky can watch from different angles!”, said Maarten Visser, a spokesman for the BCCI's marketing division. “We're going to put the 'broad' back into 'cricket broadcasting'!”, he said with a wink. He also said that the TV networks are working on software that will allow them to show advertisements in between the bowler's delivery strides.










mandira
Thanks to support from the BCCI, Mandira Bedi will continue to display cleavage and ignorance in equal measure on TV screens all over the world.





Reliable sources have revealed that the ICC is also planning to streamline cricket, and make it more marketable to people in places like the USA, Equatorial Guinea, and the Asteroid #drd701-b (although they will thankfully continue to ignore New Zealand). This may involve ridding the game of extraneous and unnecessary elements like the drinks break, the toss, and mid-off.






Not to be outdone, Kapil Dev has jumped into the fray, taking up the bowlers' cause. “It's important that there strike balance of bat and ball. I recommend use of 'rubber-cork' balls and we must introduce rules of help the bowler – like one-pitch catch, wall catch, and 'current' for run-outs.”, he said, forgetting his RAPIDEX based English grammar momentarily. Apparently, the former captain plans to set up academies all over the country to teach the nuances of 'Rude Bowling'. He will be assisted by Dharma.






“We hope that all our initiatives will help completely destroy cricket as a sport, and convert it into a happy, colourful Mela – so that we can all be happy!”, beamed an excited BCCI president Sharad Pawar. “Shut Up! Eat cake!”, he said cheerfully to a group of concerned cricket fans nearby.






Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, a keen cricketer himself, was not happy with the state of affairs. “These developments are really going to test cricket! Let's hope the game will emerge stronger one day!”, he quipped with a grin, wisely deciding against adding “ Hindsight is always twenty-twenty!”

23 comments:

Anand said...

What? No Siddhu?

Ravages/CC said...

I'd agree with the kaapi editor too. Off with the lousy game, heh? And bring in dikkilona and other, more enjoyable games for gentlemen

Anand Ramachandran said...

Hey! What's with you people? Cricket plays an important role in today's society - it keeps Charu Sharma away from the movies.

Anonymous said...

Man,
I haven't heard of some of these street cricket terms since childhood.Thanks for the reminder!
Yes, we want more of Ms.Bedi!
;)
regards
gowri

d_grail said...

rocks!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

If the ICC and the BCCI work really hard, they might even succeed in inducting Charu Sharma into the Indian team. That'd be a welcome change though. That way, we won't have to hear him talk.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant!

Anonymous said...

Question to Kapil Dev: How do you rubber cork balls in book-cricket?

Anonymous said...

what about siddhu who jumps from his chair everytime he sees some babe on TV ? no wonder mandira never sits near him !

Anonymous said...

ROFTL

Suuren D'sa said...

AR, You didn’t speak about the initiatives taken by BCCI in cutting costs, mentioned in the press release.
They have zeroed in on two major areas that have been a severe drain on their coffers, spectator amenities at the stadiums and pitch maintenance.
The latest is that Sharad Pawar is planning to do a ppt presentation to the ICC, showcasing the progress made on this front during the champion’s trophy.
BCCI office bearers from the rival camp leaked to the press the contents of the presentation. It is said to display various initiatives like ‘One toilet -Fifty thousand bladders’ ‘One seat-One ticket-One free pass’ and ‘Pitches that last fifteen overs.’

Jagadish said...

Nice stuff. Linked from Cricket 24x7.

Anonymous said...

i would prefer baywatch babes to mandira...i think speed can arrange that...
himanshu

Anonymous said...

boy you guys rock. Long live female infant empowerment and canine rights. and also cricket.

Salil said...

Heh. Hilarious stuff.

mental baba said...

that's one hilarious article. you peeps have quite a blog out here! i think i'll be stopping by often. until later!

Plastic Tolstoy said...

ho!hum! all very good to read, and thanks mate, but i gotta rush now, or i will miss the extraaaaaaaaa innings on TV with mandira's "opening" and the extra aaaaahs and ooooohs when she "opens"...that reminds me, do we still have that problem with openers in our team? (haven't watched any cricket lately, don't have the time)...by the way, what is charu sharma and the bollywood bloke, whassisname, doing there? and will someone tell siddhu to stick to 'the last resort of the scoundrel'? and ayaz, gedda life, mate...and well, before i begin to sound like a grumpy old git, let's boycott the rest..."gies more of the lassie", i says, "there's only two things great about sony max, and mandira's not afraid to flaunt the both of them!"

Anonymous said...

Lovely!

Anonymous said...

ya..whatever he said

nataraj said...

Cricket match has been diverted to money making opperation. Players are also not going sportively. They blame ,pitch or crowd,umpair,any other thing to give excuse for their failure. ICC BCCI are interested in cashing from the matches than improving the game og CRICKET.

Anonymous said...

hello, hello.. loved the piece.. had a great laugh.. God bless u all : ) -mandira

Friendless said...

Does this mean Jagmohan Dalmiya will be getting his old job back?

cable news network said...

New name of 2020cricket is xxxxcricket