Thursday, October 26, 2006

Government of India to Appoint Offense Minister.

by Anand Ramachandran, with thanks to Vishal, who celebrates his birthday today, depending on which day you're reading this.

In a shock announcement, the Government of India has confirmed that they will soon be appointing the nation's first ever 'Offense Minister'.

"After a careful evaluation of the global and regional political situation, and keeping in mind the nation's best interests, we have come to the conclusion that it's time to kick some ass." said a safari-suit clad spokesman from the PMO. " And as you well know, ass-kicking, especially on a global scale, cannot be executed by a mere Defence minister. Offense is the need of the hour.", he added.

Vijaykanth (Gap-Tian to friends and admirers), prepares for the coveted Offense Minister post by priming his ultimate weapon - facial hair. Don't believe us? Here.

"Cross border terrorism must be dealt with severely! The General thinks he looks soooo damn tough in his fatigues, eh? Well, eat THIS, Mushie! Tee Hee Hee!", giggled a nervous Shivraj Patil.

"Offense is the best form of defence!", said Ravi Shastri, delighted to be able to use one of his cliches in a situation other than a cricket match. "Emphasizing defense all my cricketing life got me nothing but chants of 'Hai Hai' and endless stupid jokes. Offense is the way to go.", he admitted candidly.

The search is on for the right candidate. "We need someone who is tough and intimidating. Between you and me, I don't think cross-border terrorists are going to quake in their boots at the sight of A.K.Antony!", winked Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh. Early indicators point towards a clutch of favourites for the job - the frontrunners include M.S.Dhoni, Vijaykanth and several high-school geometry teachers named Mrs.Abraham.

A certain section of the Congress party is actively promoting the candidacy of Chuck Norris. " Have you seen Walker, Texas Ranger? Delta Force? Chuck's the man! India's enemies, beware! Ready! Steady! Go!", yelled Ghulam Nabi Azad, losing the plot in all the excitement. "No problem. Been there. Done that.",he replied smugly to those who asked how he would deal with drumming up support for entrusting a foreigner with such an important post.

Expectedly, the Southern states are showing a definite preference for Vijaykanth. "No one can do a better job of intimidation than the Gap-Tian.", said an intense Bindhumalini Narayanaswamy, one of those who has sworn a blood-pact to serve Vijaykanth until death. "He has shown his commitment to the country on several occasions, notably in Gajendra, Narasimma and Vanchinathan!", she pointed out. "Even Americans have realized the value of screen heroes, when they appointed Arr-nauld as governor.", said Hui-Apps, confirming the popular conception that most people in South India are on first-name terms with Mr.Schwarzenegger. "Machan, pudhu Arr-nauld padam paathiya?", he asked,out of force of habit.

" Well, I don't know - I'll probably go with Dhoni", said wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, recently returned from Bristol. " Once he teams up with Dr.Kalam, we'll be the only country that has two prominent leaders with fashionably long hair.", he said, providing a rock-solid argument as always.

In related news, newly appointed External Affairs Minister Pranab Mukherjee is reportedly quite disappointed with his new job. "EXTERNAL Affairs? But I thought it was . . . ", he trailed off, looking forlornly at a picture of Angelina Jolie.


Anonymous said...

Not all southerners are rooting for Gab-tun. We, from Andhra,are willing to sign with our blood for our beloved Balayya.

Anonymous said...

You know, this makes me wonder whether there were other strong political reasons to kill Veerappan.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

good one.....I am for GAPTAIN...because when normal people are given current they get shock....when Gaptain is given current....current gets shock....what better reason?

Anonymous said...

If facial hair is the essential quality (quantity), plenty are available - inviting- wrath type,trooping moustachios modelled on the Field Marshal, brandishing beards of Bin-Laden look alike.
Gaptain can be opted, if coalition compulsion demands a southy for the job.

Anonymous said...

My vote surely goes to Gabtain. If anything can scare our enemies (or at least make them die with laughter), this pic surely will do it :-D!

Anonymous said...

Offense Defence is good kalaripayattu..

Anonymous said...

Offensive Defence is good kalaripayattu..

Subramaniam Avinash said...

I'll vote after i finish stop laughing. Don't count on it.

Anonymous said...

Dhoni has an understanding with Musharraf. ( remember the hair compliment). So i would go for Captain.


Anonymous said...

How about Baba Ramdev? He's got hair all over, not just on his face!

If Baba becomes the O.M, he'll flood Pakistan with all his blade^2 TV shows and bludgeon them into submission :)

Anonymous said...

U from Sishya by any chance? Gemoetry teachers Mrs. Abraham...She truly is terrifying with all those chalk pieces and dusters flying off her fingers! If you are from Sishya you'd know. And if not, I'm assuming your Mrs. Abraham too had such tactics ;-), which makes her an ideal nominee. I vote Mrs. Abraham!

bhattathiri said...

He will have a good management tactics.
The general principles of effective management can be applied in every field, the differences being more in application than in principle. The Manager's functions can be summed up as:

Forming a vision
Planning the strategy to realize the vision.
Cultivating the art of leadership.
Establishing institutional excellence.
Building an innovative organization.
Developing human resources.
Building teams and teamwork.
Delegation, motivation, and communication.
Reviewing performance and taking corrective steps when called for.
Thus, management is a process of aligning people and getting them committed to work for a common goal to the maximum social benefit - in search of excellence.

The critical question in all managers' minds is how to be effective in their job. The answer to this fundamental question is found in the Bhagavad Gita, which repeatedly proclaims that "you must try to manage yourself." The reason is that unless a manager reaches a level of excellence and effectiveness, he or she will be merely a face in the crowd.