In a shock announcement, the Government of India has confirmed that they will soon be appointing the nation's first ever 'Offense Minister'.
"After a careful evaluation of the global and regional political situation, and keeping in mind the nation's best interests, we have come to the conclusion that it's time to kick some ass." said a safari-suit clad spokesman from the PMO. " And as you well know, ass-kicking, especially on a global scale, cannot be executed by a mere Defence minister. Offense is the need of the hour.", he added.
|Vijaykanth (Gap-Tian to friends and admirers), prepares for the coveted Offense Minister post by priming his ultimate weapon - facial hair. Don't believe us? Here.|
"Cross border terrorism must be dealt with severely! The General thinks he looks soooo damn tough in his fatigues, eh? Well, eat THIS, Mushie! Tee Hee Hee!", giggled a nervous Shivraj Patil.
"Offense is the best form of defence!", said Ravi Shastri, delighted to be able to use one of his cliches in a situation other than a cricket match. "Emphasizing defense all my cricketing life got me nothing but chants of 'Hai Hai' and endless stupid jokes. Offense is the way to go.", he admitted candidly.
The search is on for the right candidate. "We need someone who is tough and intimidating. Between you and me, I don't think cross-border terrorists are going to quake in their boots at the sight of A.K.Antony!", winked Prime Minister Dr.Manmohan Singh. Early indicators point towards a clutch of favourites for the job - the frontrunners include M.S.Dhoni, Vijaykanth and several high-school geometry teachers named Mrs.Abraham.
A certain section of the Congress party is actively promoting the candidacy of Chuck Norris. " Have you seen Walker, Texas Ranger? Delta Force? Chuck's the man! India's enemies, beware! Ready! Steady! Go!", yelled Ghulam Nabi Azad, losing the plot in all the excitement. "No problem. Been there. Done that.",he replied smugly to those who asked how he would deal with drumming up support for entrusting a foreigner with such an important post.
Expectedly, the Southern states are showing a definite preference for Vijaykanth. "No one can do a better job of intimidation than the Gap-Tian.", said an intense Bindhumalini Narayanaswamy, one of those who has sworn a blood-pact to serve Vijaykanth until death. "He has shown his commitment to the country on several occasions, notably in Gajendra, Narasimma and Vanchinathan!", she pointed out. "Even Americans have realized the value of screen heroes, when they appointed Arr-nauld as governor.", said Hui-Apps, confirming the popular conception that most people in South India are on first-name terms with Mr.Schwarzenegger. "Machan, pudhu Arr-nauld padam paathiya?", he asked,out of force of habit.
" Well, I don't know - I'll probably go with Dhoni", said wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, recently returned from Bristol. " Once he teams up with Dr.Kalam, we'll be the only country that has two prominent leaders with fashionably long hair.", he said, providing a rock-solid argument as always.
In related news, newly appointed External Affairs Minister Pranab Mukherjee is reportedly quite disappointed with his new job. "EXTERNAL Affairs? But I thought it was . . . ", he trailed off, looking forlornly at a picture of Angelina Jolie.