Leading Chennai newspaper Deccan Chronicle has revealed plans to drop news coverage altogether in the coming months.
“Yes. It's true. We intend to cut out all the frivolous nonsense like politics, finance, science and sports so that we can focus on strengthening our paper's core content like Angelina Jolie's fuel bills (and, of course, those of her adopted four-year old son Maddox), blurry photographs of celebrity pets and Vasundhara Singh's birthday party”, said a spokesman for the paper.
|Leading newspaper Deccan Chronicle, not to be outdone by the HINDU, shows off its very own redesign.|
“That will teach those blade idiots at 'THE HINDU' – them and their silly redesign. Mario Garcia my ass!', he muttered smugly.
The move is apparently intended as a marketing strategy – to distance the Chronicle from more serious, news oriented publications like THE HINDU, India TODAY, Southeykai Sarati and Son of Bosey.
However, sceptics have a different view. “Now they no longer need to hire highly paid reporters. Just an internet connection, some young photographers and a party-goer who can remember names – and Bob's your uncle. Much cheaper.”, said wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, hitting the nail on the head as always.
“Ha ha! That's the second time these Son of Bosey idiots have poked fun at a company with the word 'Deccan' in its name.”, pointed out an unusually observant Sankalesh Jimmy, quickly hatching a plan for a get-rich-quick lawsuit.
But sources at the Chronicle insist that politics and science don't interest people anymore. “Our research reveals that an overwhelming majority of people would rather see the cleavages of Heather Locklear or Bipasha Basu than those of Kapil Sibal or M.S.Swaminathan. Hence proved.”, said an important looking man in a brown suit.
"In any case, our readers are less interested in what we cover, and more interested in what we uncover. Heh, heh.", quipped Sanjay B., a key investor in the newspaper.
Readers of the Chronicle can now look forward to more pages dedicated to content that will appeal to the paper's core audience. A press release from DC (Wah! A press relesase by the press themselves!), revealed a preview of some of the planned regular features that will be appearing in the paper :
Cleaning Liquids of the Rich and Famous – Every week, one celebrity will reveal the exciting details of the soaps and detergents they use at home to keep things squeaky clean.
Party Crasher – Chronicle photographers enter parties they aren't invited to, and take pictures of the guests, domestic staff and furniture from weird angles, mistakenly assuming that people will be thrilled to look at drab pictures of drab events that they were lucky enough not to be at.
Sexed-Up Su-Do-Ku – In their crazed efforts to give sex appeal to every square inch of DC, the editors present a new take on the annoyingly popular Su-Do-Ku puzzle. Instead of boring old grids and numbers, the puzzle will now simply feature a blurred picture of a swimsuit model downloaded from the net. At last, all those who are too dumb to solve Su-Do-Ku can now enjoy the popular craze.
|Innovative as ever, Deccan Chronicle reinvents SuDoKu to suit the tastes of its readers.|
Angelina Jolie Watch – Every issue of the paper will now feature three separate articles on the Tomb-Raider bombshell, instead of the current count of just one. There will also be a special section dedicated to Maddox, and, if there's some space left over, to Brad Pitt and the rest of the gang . .er . .family.
Party Crasher II – Complete coverage of all the parties over the weekend that were cancelled due to rain. Or floods. Or lack of guests.
The announcements were made at a lavish party hosted by Deccan Chronicle, which was attended by an assortment of people whom the DC photographers mistook for celebrities. Among those spotted having a good time were random folk with names like Sanjeev, Anita, Asif and Sheela.