Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Bappi Lahiri Develops Fourth Chin.

by Anand Ramachandran, who hopes to dual-wield lightsabers some day. Blue and Purple, thank you very much.

Bappi Lahiri poses for photographers with his brand new chin.

World famous music composer Bappi Lahiri was pleasantly surprised last week when he noticed that he had developed a fourth chin to complement his already impressive fleet of three. “Yay!”, he exclaimed “ Now I can play four violins at a time!”. “ Let’s see if Dr.Dre can copy this. Ha ha ha!”, he added

At a hurriedly put together press conference, Bappi also expressed his delight at the total chin count of the Lahiri family being raised to a whopping 9. “ That’s not bad for a four member family – well above the national average.” he pointed out.

The news has set bollywood agog with excitement. “Bappida is an inspiration to us all. Even in these days of low-fat food, aerobics and yoga, he has shown that a true champion can continue to cultivate chins.”, gushed Subhash Ghai, another key double chin guy.

Bappi signed off on a lighter note, saying “ Let Brett Lee come here now, I will show him what is chin music! Hahahahahaha!”

This article first appeared in GILFOSIA, a print magazine we brought out a year ago. It only lasted one issue before spontaneously combusting. Since we're lazy slobs, we plan to recycle those little-seen articles on this site ever so often.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Stella Maris poised to become 'School of Rock'.

by Vinay Nilakantan, under the influence of Jack Black, who is mentioned twice in this article.

In a bizarre turn of events , several students of one of Chennai's leading colleges, Stella Maris, have been seen rioting within the Poes Garden area of the city. Panic and pandemonium ensued in what seems to be the first official strike by the students. Residents have reported hearing loud growls and group ballad-singing mostly around the 7- 8pm time frame.

“The situation on the streets is very grave” said long time Poes garden resident Mr. Pramod Paranthaman while shiftily glancing over our reporter's shoulder.

On further curiosity, our reporter infiltrated the intimidating walls (getting past the Watchman, who seemed to think that he should be the only male person allowed near the chicks) of the college and managed to speak with several of the students just before roll call.

“We demand that our curriculum be updated so we have a more global outlook. We feel that our college must have a three year 'School of Rock ' program.” said long time rock music advocate Zareen Isaac. “In this day and age, rock music is now a lucrative money spinner and we want to take advantage of these opportunities” added budding economics student Madonna Devasahayam.

Stella students seen staging a demonstration. It was reported that these students had not moved in over 16 hours but were forced to end the impromptu game of ‘ 1-2-3 STATUE' as their canteen mess was about to close for the day.

Ever since this outcry, classes have been interrupted and regular campus life has taken a turn for worse. “Nowadays, it's a friggin' jungle out here” said Tameen Isaac, wincing at her own surprisingly coarse language.

Amidst all this, the faculty nuns have been showing a steely resolve. “We will not go quietly into the night. We will not vanish without a fight.” said Sister Mary, managing to look eerily like Bill Pullman, an astounding feat for a nun.

“This devil music is not what our institution is all about and we will fight until the very end to protect it” said Sister Mercy, re-cocking her Uzi, and tapping her feet to the tune of ‘Be Cruel to your School'.

One faction of nuns, however, seems to have accepted these demands from the students and is currently in the process of gearing up for the requested program. “We listen to Twisted Sister, Winger and Annihilator all the time. They've got some sick fool tunes” said Sister Grace. “It's the new bands like Bush, Soul Sirkus and System of a Down that make the lead solos a little hard to figure out.” admitted Sister Florence.

“Def Leppard is definitely rock”, said David Pascal, vainly trying to reinforce a fondly-held belief.

“Sister Act”, the latest all-nun band from Stella Maris, seen rehearsing a cover of the popular ZZTop hit, “Legs” , as Jack Black (not in picture) cheers on.

“We are desperately trying to track down Jack Black. We feel he is a true representation of our collective objectives. Do you have his phone number? Is four better than two? Where is Jimmy Ray?” said student council member Sheena Mathiekan, lapsing into irrelevant questions.

“It's about time we showed those MCC and Loyola guys that us Stella Marians are head bangers too” , she added, staging a recovery by gingerly holding up the devil sign on her right hand and nodding thrice.

Students from other colleges have also started getting involved. “We would like to start a similar three year “Fashion and Overall Hipness” degree program.” said Ehtiraj student Vinita Venkataeswaran, hanging out in Milky Way about eight years after it stopped being cool.