Saturday, May 28, 2005

Sachin squashes rumours about 'Vijay'

by Kishore Manohar Bobo

In a rare PR moment, king of swing Sachin Tendulkar denounced rumours that he was going to start a league team called 'Vijay' . He also denied that he was terribly upset that the Tamil film industry had allowed a film to be made with his name and that he wanted to hit back by intentionally building a team that would pull even less people than the movie.

Speaking in a newly acquired bass-voice, Sachin said he always admired Vijay's acting and his dance steps. "Any new steps?" he growled, looking deep into the camera, as if to send a not-so-silent message to his new namesake.

Sachin said that while he could easily visualize team made up of several ‘Vijays' ( Saar , Amritraj, Lokapalli, TV, Yadav, Kanth, Singh, Mallya and of course Surana) , his current focus was to show racing legend Michael Schumacher how to use the piece of willow he was gifted sometime ago.

“Tough,” was his reply to the sidetracked reporters who wanted to know how it was to explain cover drives to a German racer.

Meanwhile, the unstoppable rumour mills have instantly proven why they are better entertainment than Oprah & Lakshmi put together... ugh! ... by insinuating that Sachin's true intentions were foiled by the current existence of a cricket club called 'Vijay' ... albeit somewhere in the Seychelles .

Vijay Saar was unable to comment on the matter. " " , he said, when cornered by this reporter.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

George Lucas takes over Lucas-TVS

Billionaire producer George Lucas has finally achieved his lifelong dream of completely owning Indian auto-electricals giant Lucas-TVS

“LucasFilm, LucasArts, and now Lucas-TVS – hooray, it's a complete set!”, cheered the Hollywood mogul, sounding like a kid who had just completed his Star Wars action figure collection by finally purchasing ‘Greedo', ‘Sebulba' and ‘That guy sitting in the third row during the senate scenes'.

“We have a lot in common.”, said Lucas, explaining his reasons for acquiring the company. “We both have a lot of money. We both love arbid abbreviations like C3PO, R2D2 and TVS50. We both have the word ‘Lucas' in our name. It's a perfect match.”

Employees of the company are thrilled with the news. “ Yay! Now we can stop making these blade dynamos, alternators and induction coils, and start working on some real projects – like a Death Star or Battle Droids!”, said Aravind Murali, a senior manager with the company, showing a disturbingly high testosterone level. Many employees have also apparently been casting longing looks towards the office tubelights.

George Lucas excitedly points at a low-flying aircraft while T.K.Balaji of Lucas-TVS sits down for a lite rest. The two businessmen were taking a stroll on the premises after closing the deal.

The truth, however, may be somewhat different. “The company will make products that best reflect the Lucas and TVS brand names”, says the official press release. Rumour has it that the proposed product line includes Land Speeders and Hoverbikes.

“We need to compete with multinationals like Opel, Ford and Skoda. That's why we've decided to take a leaf out of their book and make impractical, overpriced vehicles which can't be used on Indian roads.”, said Tariq Akbar, a major fan of Hoverbikes, but not of Land Speeders.

There are also plans to construct a new office shaped like Darth Vader's helmet. When a reporter suggested that this was a bit silly, a company spokesman responded angrily, growling “Grrrrarrrrrr! Nonsense! Have you seen the L and T office in Manapakkam?”

There are rumours that the real reasons behind Lucas buying the company was that he wanted the opportunity to blade his grandchildren by saying “ You know, when I was in Lucas-TVS . . .” On hearing this, the bearded genius responded by slamming his fist down on the table and saying “Cha! Busted!!”

Sunday, May 22, 2005

ARS to play Superman in new Hollywood movie.

In a stunning new development, production of the new Superman movie has come to a grinding halt, because the producers believe that they have found a better man than Brandon Routh to play the man of steel – legendary Doordarshan Tuesday evening drama star ARS.

“Those dweeby glasses! That grim jaw!! That greasy hair!!! He's perfect!!!!”, exclaimed a Hollywood big-wig, adding an extra exclamation mark after every phrase.

ARS strikes a pose in his Superman costume. Nice, no?

Expert Hollywood watchers feel that ARS will bring a refreshing new feel to the superhero genre, with his middle-aged looks, stern countenance, and his penchant for saying “Yais, Yais, you are correct.”, in a classic clipped South Indian accent.

The only potential problem seems to be the actor's lack of a six-pack and rippling biceps. But the producers are undaunted. “Adhu yellam systethile paathukkalam.”, said Jana, who was specially hired by the producers for his expert use of the word ‘Systeth'. “Hahahahahahaha – Systeth! Hahahahaha.”, said photographer G.Venket Ram, beating S.U.Saravanakumar to an appearance on this site..

Even in the Clark Kent costume, ARS is a worthy successor to the celebrated Christopher Reeve.

Computer Graphics experts are working round the clock to convert ARS' on-screen persona into one that is more like a super-being from outer space, and less like M.S.Swaminathan. “We don't see any difficulty. If a wimp like Eric Bana can transform into the Incredible Hulk, this one's a cinch.”, said Vinay Nilakantan, the head of the graphics team, to murmurs of agreement from those gathered.

When asked for his comments, ARS said “Yais, Yais, you are correct.”, in a classic clipped South Indian accent, before removing his glasses and adding “Operation success!”

He went on to reinforce his confidence of pulling off the role, saying “Of course I will do well – I make a much better Superman than Dermot Reeve!”, needlessly dragging the one-day specialist into the controversy. When a journalist attempted to correct him, saying “Actually, Christopher . . . . “, he cut him short with a curt “My name is ARS, not Christopher! Can't you get even simple facts right?”

This makes ARS the first Tamil actor to potray a costumed superhero on screen, not counting K.Bhagyaraj in ‘Darling Darling Darling'.