She's Always Miss Oommen to Me

by Anand Ramachandran, who insists that his old schoolmates will recognize the inspiration for this nonsense.

Ever had a teacher who made you regret the day you stupidly agreed to join school ? Never fear, we all have. However, the friendly folks at bosey have decided that it's time to get our own back. So, if you were one of those poor saps who was made to stand up on the bench for not keeping your pencil-box clean, lift up your voice and sing along (to the tune of Billy Joel's 'Always a Woman') . . .

She can begin your day with a casual good morning

She can ruin your day if she catches you yawning

You thought that you’d lost her when you left 7B

Yet she drones on and on,

Yes she’s always Miss Oommen to me.

She’ll ask you a question when you least expect one

Before you can mumble she’ll ask you the next one

“Off to detention” she’ll say, full off glee

Althought she's quite married

She’s always Miss Oommen to me.

Oh – she’s not very cool. And she’s nothing like hot.

She’s got grades on her mind.

Oh – she’s in every school. And she’s in every class.

She’s not one of her kind.

She knows all the answers to all of the questions

She clearly remembers all your transgressions

She’ll never even let you leave class for a pee

She acts like Pol Pot

But she’s always Miss Oommen to me.

Oh – she’s out for your blood. She can blade if she wants.

To the power of nine.

Oh – she’s in every school. And she’s in every class.

She’s not one of her kind.

She's frequently cruel

And she’s suddenly crueler.

She’ll smack your knuckles with a heavy steel ruler.

She’ll frighten you now and for eternity

Her friends call her Liz,

But she’s always Miss Oommen to me.

Visu Yet To Complete Sentence He Began In 2001

by Anand Ramachandran, who still longs for 'old school' tamil cinema.

World famous king blade Tamil film actor-director Visu is yet to finish one of his typically long-winding, meaningless sentences, one that he, startlingly began over four years ago.

Tamil film actor / director Visu, photographed in 2000, which was the last time he had his mouth closed.

It all began when Visu, best known for movies with titles like ‘Samsaram adhu Minsaram', ‘Thirumathi adhu Vegumathi' and ‘Prosthetic adhu Aesthetic', was asked by an interviewer for his opinion on a topic that has long since been forgotten by everyone involved, including the actor himself.

After taking a moment to think, Visu ( lovingly referred to as ‘Visu' by friends) launched into what would evolve into a never ending blade, even by his own lofty standards.

After taking a year to greet the crowd ( and everyone else in the world, mostly by individual names), he then spent 2003 and 2004 dwelling on what essentially boiled down to “Good question, now let me see . . . .” He also interspersed his reply with several entertaining instances where he pursed his lips, raised an eyebrow and moaned “Mmmmmmmm. . . .” Currently, he is reportedly moving on to the part where he quotes examples from his movies to address the question – the point at which the last stragglers quickly left the building, ending any chance of further news updates. The only people remaining in the audience are the actor's brother Kishmu (showing sibling solidarity) and leading Visu wannabe Prasanna (trying to pick up some tips and nuances from the master on being a self-righteous, irritating snotweed)

Strangely, Visu hasn't stopped for food or drink – giving credence to the oft-quoted theory that he gets all the nourishment he needs from the constant drone of his own voice.

Rumour has it that after completing his filibuster, Visu is planning to launch an all-new TV show called ‘Visuvin Aruvai Kodumai'. Stay tuned, if you're the masochistic sort.

Asian Afro Games To Be Held In 2006.

by Anand Ramachandran, who has just returned from a holiday in the Mariana Trench.

After the much hyped recently concluded Afro-Asian games in Hyderabad, the Indian Olympic Association has come up with yet another way to waste colossal amounts of the government's money – plans are on for the first ever Asian Afro games.

“It'll be great”, gushed Suresh Kalmadi, the IOA president. “Imagine, hajaar random Chinese, Japanese, Saudi, Indian and Cambodian dudes will turn up with huge Afros. It'll be like everyone's back in the seventies! Yay!!”.

Indian sports big-wig Suresh Kalmadi gets into the spirit of the Asian Afro Games

“If you prefer, you may refer to Cambodians as Kampucheans.”, he added irrelevantly.

While the Afro has seen its ups ( Clive Lloyd) and downs ( Ravinder – remember him? In Sakalakalavallavan? No? Loser!!) this is the first time that quality Afro guys will be actually competing at a continental level.

Commenting on India 's chances, wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar said, “Well . . . I dunno . . . I think India 's best Afro days are well and truly over. Even stalwarts like Madan Lal, M.K.Stalin and Ravinder (Remember him? No? Gotcha – you sly paragraph skipper!!) seem to have taken rest. Apparently, our best bet is some kid named Panicker from Kerala, who seems to be showing some promise.”

The Andhra Pradesh Government, as usual, has hogged some limelight by offering to host the games. “Our Chief Minister extends his full support to any such large-scale waste of national resources. We are proud to be repeatedly associated with colossal fiascos, and will always willingly come back for more.”, said a big-nosed minister, inadvertently providing an insight into the behaviour of Telugu film producers over the past several decades.

Even as preparations for the games get underway, Kalmadi has been spotted plotting the first ever Indo-Pan-Pacific-Sub-Saharan-South Mediterranean Games. Watch this space.

This article first appeared in GILFOSIA, a print magazine we brought out a year ago. It only lasted one issue before attaining salvation. Since we're lazy slobs, we plan to recycle those little-seen articles on this site ever so often.

Man Wondering Whether Person Named ‘Prasanna’ Is Man Or Woman

Aravind Murali, a resident of Ashok Nagar, was faced with a unique situation last evening, when he was uncertain whether his prospective employer was male or female.

It all began when an HR consultant asked him to visit the offices of a city BPO and meet someone called Prasanna for an interview. Accepting the offer, Murali’s lightning quick mind speedily latched on to the problem – causing him several hours of mental stress.

“Jeepers. I wonder if Prasanna will be a hot babe (Hooray). Or an IIT guy who plays guitar (Damn). Or an intimidating, sarcastic woman ( Shudder ).”, he thought to himself, toying with a mere three of the millions of possibilities.

“I don’t see why people can’t have names which clearly indicate their gender – like Bruce Banner, Faye Dunaway or M.S.Swaminathan. This is irritating” complained Murali.

Murali was last seen being consoled by Wildlife Photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, who has apparently had the same problem with people named ‘Sara’.

Bappi Lahiri Develops Fourth Chin.

by Anand Ramachandran, who hopes to dual-wield lightsabers some day. Blue and Purple, thank you very much.

Bappi Lahiri poses for photographers with his brand new chin.

World famous music composer Bappi Lahiri was pleasantly surprised last week when he noticed that he had developed a fourth chin to complement his already impressive fleet of three. “Yay!”, he exclaimed “ Now I can play four violins at a time!”. “ Let’s see if Dr.Dre can copy this. Ha ha ha!”, he added

At a hurriedly put together press conference, Bappi also expressed his delight at the total chin count of the Lahiri family being raised to a whopping 9. “ That’s not bad for a four member family – well above the national average.” he pointed out.

The news has set bollywood agog with excitement. “Bappida is an inspiration to us all. Even in these days of low-fat food, aerobics and yoga, he has shown that a true champion can continue to cultivate chins.”, gushed Subhash Ghai, another key double chin guy.

Bappi signed off on a lighter note, saying “ Let Brett Lee come here now, I will show him what is chin music! Hahahahahaha!”

This article first appeared in GILFOSIA, a print magazine we brought out a year ago. It only lasted one issue before spontaneously combusting. Since we're lazy slobs, we plan to recycle those little-seen articles on this site ever so often.

Stella Maris poised to become 'School of Rock'.

by Vinay Nilakantan, under the influence of Jack Black, who is mentioned twice in this article.

In a bizarre turn of events , several students of one of Chennai's leading colleges, Stella Maris, have been seen rioting within the Poes Garden area of the city. Panic and pandemonium ensued in what seems to be the first official strike by the students. Residents have reported hearing loud growls and group ballad-singing mostly around the 7- 8pm time frame.

“The situation on the streets is very grave” said long time Poes garden resident Mr. Pramod Paranthaman while shiftily glancing over our reporter's shoulder.

On further curiosity, our reporter infiltrated the intimidating walls (getting past the Watchman, who seemed to think that he should be the only male person allowed near the chicks) of the college and managed to speak with several of the students just before roll call.

“We demand that our curriculum be updated so we have a more global outlook. We feel that our college must have a three year 'School of Rock ' program.” said long time rock music advocate Zareen Isaac. “In this day and age, rock music is now a lucrative money spinner and we want to take advantage of these opportunities” added budding economics student Madonna Devasahayam.

Stella students seen staging a demonstration. It was reported that these students had not moved in over 16 hours but were forced to end the impromptu game of ‘ 1-2-3 STATUE' as their canteen mess was about to close for the day.

Ever since this outcry, classes have been interrupted and regular campus life has taken a turn for worse. “Nowadays, it's a friggin' jungle out here” said Tameen Isaac, wincing at her own surprisingly coarse language.

Amidst all this, the faculty nuns have been showing a steely resolve. “We will not go quietly into the night. We will not vanish without a fight.” said Sister Mary, managing to look eerily like Bill Pullman, an astounding feat for a nun.

“This devil music is not what our institution is all about and we will fight until the very end to protect it” said Sister Mercy, re-cocking her Uzi, and tapping her feet to the tune of ‘Be Cruel to your School'.

One faction of nuns, however, seems to have accepted these demands from the students and is currently in the process of gearing up for the requested program. “We listen to Twisted Sister, Winger and Annihilator all the time. They've got some sick fool tunes” said Sister Grace. “It's the new bands like Bush, Soul Sirkus and System of a Down that make the lead solos a little hard to figure out.” admitted Sister Florence.

“Def Leppard is definitely rock”, said David Pascal, vainly trying to reinforce a fondly-held belief.

“Sister Act”, the latest all-nun band from Stella Maris, seen rehearsing a cover of the popular ZZTop hit, “Legs” , as Jack Black (not in picture) cheers on.

“We are desperately trying to track down Jack Black. We feel he is a true representation of our collective objectives. Do you have his phone number? Is four better than two? Where is Jimmy Ray?” said student council member Sheena Mathiekan, lapsing into irrelevant questions.

“It's about time we showed those MCC and Loyola guys that us Stella Marians are head bangers too” , she added, staging a recovery by gingerly holding up the devil sign on her right hand and nodding thrice.

Students from other colleges have also started getting involved. “We would like to start a similar three year “Fashion and Overall Hipness” degree program.” said Ehtiraj student Vinita Venkataeswaran, hanging out in Milky Way about eight years after it stopped being cool.

Language Scientists Recommend Merging ‘ck’ with ‘de’.

by Anand Ramachandran, cheered on by seven Wookies and one M.S.Swaminathan look alike

A team of language scientists (scientists who are too dumb to work on really complicated stuff like quantum physics, stem cell research and the workings of Karan Thapar's lower jaw) have made a stunning discovery that may have huge impact on the English language.

It all started when a group of scientists were, just like everyone else, discussing the latest STAR WARS movie. (what do you mean, not EVERYONE? Everyone who MATTERS, hah.) By a quirk of fate, our reporter gained access to the transcript of the entire conversation. (What?! You DON'T keep transcripts of your conversations? Get out of here!)

Mace Windu, the great Jedi master, imagines what the Emperor would look like with Yoda's ears.

Scientist Bipin Das : “Mace Windu is a blade guy.”

Scientist Nishraj Gurung : “Mace Windu is a black guy.”

Scientist Tony Chacko : “Machan! Sly discovery!”

Scientist Bipin Das : “ Speak up, man – there's no time to lose!”

Scientist Tony Chacko : “

From the above observations about Master Windu, which are both undoubtedly true, we can see that

Black = Blade.

Since Bla is common on both sides, and since we know that Bla Bla is always worthless, we can cancel it and we end up with

‘ck' = ‘de'

Hence proved.”

Scientist Nishraj Gurung : “Wah! Truly rich discovery. Now you have to change your name to Tony Chadeo! Hahahaha! ”

Scientist Tony Chacko : “Grrrrrr!”

The scientists have further corroborated their theory with the undeniable fact that Sanjay Leela Bhansali's ‘Black' can be safely renamed ‘Blade' without changing it in any way.

This discovery has sent shockwaves through the general public. “Well, I don't know. What will happen to terms like ‘Codebreaker', and ‘Brick Layer'? Think about it. ”, asked S.Ramalingam, a well known English speaker.

“Don't forget about terms like ‘A pride of lions' and ‘I am going to eat a duck for breakfast' .” added leading wildlife photographer S.U.Saravanakumar, showing that he has not forgotten his love of animals.

Some people are more affected than others. “Oh! No! My practice will be ruined! ”, said Dr. Quade of Michigan . “Now I will have to take up some side busine . . . Nooooooooo! Not again!”, he wailed, running off into the sunset.

All experts agree that this development could cause chaos in both written and spoken English. “Only time can reveal the full implications.”, said a mathematician, before going back to studying the concepts of mean, median and mock.

Despite our best efforts, Zztop are still untraceable for comment.

David Hasselhoff caught up in identity theft mishap.

by Vinay Nilakantan

It has been reported that eighties television icon, David Hasselhoff had fallen victim to the newest wave of credit card scams – identity theft. A visibly shaken Hasselhoff addressed a press conference with a copy of his latest credit card bill.

He claimed that his curiosity was sparked when, on his latest VISA bill, he found purchases of a Gucci handbag, the newest J-Lo perfume, a subscription to Cosmopolitan and the latest Ricky Martin album. Co-incidentally, it was a DVD purchase of a ‘David Hasselhoff Live' concert that convinced the actor that he had fallen victim to identity theft.

David Hasselhoff simultaneously displays his VISA card and his nipples (not in picture).

“I have five copies of that DVD. It's not on my calendar to buy that DVD again for the next six months” said an elated Hasselhoff, glad that he was able to nail the evidence.

The Baywatch star was quick to contact the credit card company, which was very particular about wrapping up such a high profile case as quickly and quietly as possible. “Our client likes everything to be discreet, and hates attracting unnecessary attention”, said a spokesman for the company, drawing peals of hysterical laughter from the whole world, as Hasselhoff stood nearby dressed only in red underpants and flexing his sagging muscles.

“Fortunately, I have not lost my entire identity”, joked Hasselhoff with his trademark smile and a knowing wink.

Fans of David Hasselhoff have shown an outpouring of support through this troubled time for the actor. “Wierzhut Hasselhoff” – the flagship fan group for the star has resorted to a five day fast while picketing through the streets of Luxembourg . “We like to see David Hasselhoff drive cars and save drowning people. He is a gift to whole world and yet has to suffer common problems like these” said one irate fan club member.

The accused is said to be a man named Timothy Madhukar, a long-time Hasselhoff impersonator . On asking to comment, Madhukar repeatedly stated that he was innocent and wants his name cleared of all the charges. “I am an innocent man trying to make an honest living in Germany , just like Hasselhof.”, he said.

David Hasselhoff, now in Hamburg promoting his latest fitness video, was just awarded the International Star of the Year for Outstanding Global Entertainment at the Bollywood Music Awards in New Jersey .

“My career has never been greater” said the star. “I'm all set to start touring Poland in winter.”

We Didn't Start The Fire 2 : The Desi Megamix

by Anand Ramachandran, based on a rich idea by his world-famous brother Arvindh AKA D of Z fame

Everyone knows that ' We didn't start the fire ' is an easy song to write (Even Billy Joel could do it). Just pick up random stuff from the world around you, and piece them together to make silly rhymes.

But if it's really that easy, how come people all over aren't doing it? Because they're lazy dolts, that's why. However, being the sprightly, brisk youngsters that we are, we decided to get off our butts, shake off the 'sleepies' and give you our take on the smash hit song of yesteryear.

(Sung to the tune of 'Auld Lang Sy . . er . . . ah . . We didn't start the fire. Sorry. Our bad. Heh heh.)

Salman Khan and Sanjay Dutt

Khushboo. Bali Brahmabhatt.

Manivannan. Vadivelu. Some chick named Reddy.

Baba Sehgal cannot stop

Blading us with Indipop.

Sonu Nigam. Shekhar Suman. Enough Already.

Oh! My God! Have you heard!

Amitabh has grown a beard!

Parents go for shorter names.

PC Sorcar and P James.

Pepsi Top Ten. Sachin's elbow gone again.

Deadline? Nevermind. Let's just sing it one more time.

 

We didn't eat the paya

Did you create it? Cause we really hate it.

We didn't eat the paya

Even if we ate it, we'll regurgitate it.

 

Ayurvedic healthy herbs.

Caddy's lack of form disturbs.

Broadband. Girl Bands. Sonia Gandhi.

Increase in Reliance worth.

Adnan Sami's massive girth.

No more rhymes? Think again! Priyanka Gandhi.

President with long hair.

FM stations rule the air.

Sehwag's really kicking butt.

Bappi is an idiot.

DD Sports. TQM. We've gone and made a Surd PM.

Prabhu Deva. Kar Seva. Cast your vote – it's now or nevah!

 

We didn't eat the paya

Did you create it? Cause we really hate it.

We didn't eat the paya

Even if we ate it, we'll regurgitate it.

 

Producers just love Vijay.

Bal-T's leading youth astray.

Nice Butt. Big Tits. Madhuri Dixit's.

Michael Jackson came and went.

Vajpayee needs retirement.

John Wright. Out of sight. Pace Attack is lacking bite.

Charu Sharma's motormouth.

Hindi movies in the South.

Jedis meet in Coruscant.

What to do with Vijaykanth?

Sushmita. Aishwarya.

Can I be your lover, ya?

Don't play big shots – Yuvi is at cover ya!

 

We didn't eat the paya

Did you create it? Cause we really hate it.

We didn't eat the paya

Even if we ate it, we'll regurgitate it.

 

Modern youth have no respect.

Late night food at Coronet.

Kingfisher .Black Knight . Haywards 2000.

You can be a caller, ji.

With modern technology.

STD. ISD. Internet browsing.

Stupid fads. Crappy ads. Lack of cute and portly lads.

ATMS and IOUs – just so we can chill and booze.

We didn't eat the paya

Did you create it? Cause we really hate it.

We didn't eat the paya

Even if we ate it, we'll regurgitate it.

Jacob Martin's cover drive. A.R.Rahman performs live.

Kiran Bedi. Supercop. KPS. Full Stop.

Metti Oli never ends. Viewers never meet their friends.

Booming of the BPO. Vader and C3PO.

Cartoon Network. Pogo. Wipro's crummy Logo.

Pre-paid. Post-paid. Now it's time to end the blade.

 

We didn't eat the paya

Did you create it? Cause we really hate it.

We didn't eat the paya

Even if we ate it, we'll regurgitate it.

We didn't eat the paya

Even if we tried, we'd have quickly died and died and died and died . . . . . . . .

Sachin squashes rumours about 'Vijay'

by Kishore Manohar Bobo

In a rare PR moment, king of swing Sachin Tendulkar denounced rumours that he was going to start a league team called 'Vijay' . He also denied that he was terribly upset that the Tamil film industry had allowed a film to be made with his name and that he wanted to hit back by intentionally building a team that would pull even less people than the movie.

Speaking in a newly acquired bass-voice, Sachin said he always admired Vijay's acting and his dance steps. "Any new steps?" he growled, looking deep into the camera, as if to send a not-so-silent message to his new namesake.

Sachin said that while he could easily visualize team made up of several ‘Vijays' ( Saar , Amritraj, Lokapalli, TV, Yadav, Kanth, Singh, Mallya and of course Surana) , his current focus was to show racing legend Michael Schumacher how to use the piece of willow he was gifted sometime ago.

“Tough,” was his reply to the sidetracked reporters who wanted to know how it was to explain cover drives to a German racer.

Meanwhile, the unstoppable rumour mills have instantly proven why they are better entertainment than Oprah & Lakshmi put together... ugh! ... by insinuating that Sachin's true intentions were foiled by the current existence of a cricket club called 'Vijay' ... albeit somewhere in the Seychelles .

Vijay Saar was unable to comment on the matter. " " , he said, when cornered by this reporter.

George Lucas takes over Lucas-TVS

Billionaire producer George Lucas has finally achieved his lifelong dream of completely owning Indian auto-electricals giant Lucas-TVS

“LucasFilm, LucasArts, and now Lucas-TVS – hooray, it's a complete set!”, cheered the Hollywood mogul, sounding like a kid who had just completed his Star Wars action figure collection by finally purchasing ‘Greedo', ‘Sebulba' and ‘That guy sitting in the third row during the senate scenes'.

“We have a lot in common.”, said Lucas, explaining his reasons for acquiring the company. “We both have a lot of money. We both love arbid abbreviations like C3PO, R2D2 and TVS50. We both have the word ‘Lucas' in our name. It's a perfect match.”

Employees of the company are thrilled with the news. “ Yay! Now we can stop making these blade dynamos, alternators and induction coils, and start working on some real projects – like a Death Star or Battle Droids!”, said Aravind Murali, a senior manager with the company, showing a disturbingly high testosterone level. Many employees have also apparently been casting longing looks towards the office tubelights.

George Lucas excitedly points at a low-flying aircraft while T.K.Balaji of Lucas-TVS sits down for a lite rest. The two businessmen were taking a stroll on the premises after closing the deal.

The truth, however, may be somewhat different. “The company will make products that best reflect the Lucas and TVS brand names”, says the official press release. Rumour has it that the proposed product line includes Land Speeders and Hoverbikes.

“We need to compete with multinationals like Opel, Ford and Skoda. That's why we've decided to take a leaf out of their book and make impractical, overpriced vehicles which can't be used on Indian roads.”, said Tariq Akbar, a major fan of Hoverbikes, but not of Land Speeders.

There are also plans to construct a new office shaped like Darth Vader's helmet. When a reporter suggested that this was a bit silly, a company spokesman responded angrily, growling “Grrrrarrrrrr! Nonsense! Have you seen the L and T office in Manapakkam?”

There are rumours that the real reasons behind Lucas buying the company was that he wanted the opportunity to blade his grandchildren by saying “ You know, when I was in Lucas-TVS . . .” On hearing this, the bearded genius responded by slamming his fist down on the table and saying “Cha! Busted!!”

ARS to play Superman in new Hollywood movie.

In a stunning new development, production of the new Superman movie has come to a grinding halt, because the producers believe that they have found a better man than Brandon Routh to play the man of steel – legendary Doordarshan Tuesday evening drama star ARS.

“Those dweeby glasses! That grim jaw!! That greasy hair!!! He's perfect!!!!”, exclaimed a Hollywood big-wig, adding an extra exclamation mark after every phrase.

ARS strikes a pose in his Superman costume. Nice, no?

Expert Hollywood watchers feel that ARS will bring a refreshing new feel to the superhero genre, with his middle-aged looks, stern countenance, and his penchant for saying “Yais, Yais, you are correct.”, in a classic clipped South Indian accent.

The only potential problem seems to be the actor's lack of a six-pack and rippling biceps. But the producers are undaunted. “Adhu yellam systethile paathukkalam.”, said Jana, who was specially hired by the producers for his expert use of the word ‘Systeth'. “Hahahahahahaha – Systeth! Hahahahaha.”, said photographer G.Venket Ram, beating S.U.Saravanakumar to an appearance on this site..

Even in the Clark Kent costume, ARS is a worthy successor to the celebrated Christopher Reeve.

Computer Graphics experts are working round the clock to convert ARS' on-screen persona into one that is more like a super-being from outer space, and less like M.S.Swaminathan. “We don't see any difficulty. If a wimp like Eric Bana can transform into the Incredible Hulk, this one's a cinch.”, said Vinay Nilakantan, the head of the graphics team, to murmurs of agreement from those gathered.

When asked for his comments, ARS said “Yais, Yais, you are correct.”, in a classic clipped South Indian accent, before removing his glasses and adding “Operation success!”

He went on to reinforce his confidence of pulling off the role, saying “Of course I will do well – I make a much better Superman than Dermot Reeve!”, needlessly dragging the one-day specialist into the controversy. When a journalist attempted to correct him, saying “Actually, Christopher . . . . “, he cut him short with a curt “My name is ARS, not Christopher! Can't you get even simple facts right?”

This makes ARS the first Tamil actor to potray a costumed superhero on screen, not counting K.Bhagyaraj in ‘Darling Darling Darling'.

" Ambi Mama is leading Brahmin relative" - Survey

A survey has revealed that ‘Ambi Mama' is the leading relative among Tamil Brahmin families worldwide, with six in ten families having one of their own (a 60% repsesentation. Apparently, Ambi Mama held off stiff competition from Mani Mama (with 55% representation) and Baby Chitti (39%) for a well-deserved win.

“It's a great day for all Ambi Mamas. All the years of hard work – drinking coffee, criticizing the Indian team selection and complaining about blood-pressure – have finally paid off. Yay!”, said Ambi Mama, a spokesman for the Ambi Mamas Association of Dear Old Rascals (AMBASSADOR), a division of the Hardcore Brahmin Organisation (HBO). [Editor's note – The previous sentence has been roundly condemned by the Society for Prevention of Abbreviations that are Needless, Dumb and Execrable (SPANDEX)]

Some of the stalwarts of the Ambi Mama team pose for a photographer, after blading him with outdated advice on the best cameras, film, and lighting.

Mani Mamas all over the world watched in anguish as the final results were announced, plunging them into gloom. “It's no fun being a Mani Mama anymore”, said Mani Mama. “ Maybe if I change my name to ‘Ramesh Anna', I will have a brighter future”, he pondered pointlessly.

The survey also said that a respectable number of families (or a number of respectable families, as the case may be), have a Vaidhi Thatha, Bangalore Anna, and at least one random guy named ‘Chandroo' who is at all functions, but no-one can really place (and may not be related at all).

Predictably, bringing up the rear were non-entities like Driscoll Periappa, Jessica Alba Anni and Darth Vader Mama, which had zero representation. “Brahmins are way too conservative, dude!”, complained Cleveland Shankar, one of the more modern Iyer boys (or boyz, if you prefer. We offer multiple-choice reading. You're welcome.). “When are they going to drop old duds like Venkatakrishnan, Suresh and Balaji, and start using hipper names like Jason, Beyonce and The Human Torch?”, he asked, to wide applause from a group of people watching cricket on a nearby television.

Not all are happy with progress, however. “These youngsters are ruining everything by naming their children Archish, Dhruv and Plaha.”, thundered Badri Athimber. “ Can you imagine how it will sound? Dhruv Mama, Anamika Athai, Archish Chittappa – Ugh! Phooey! That is so not cool!!”, he growled, using expressions of disgust picked up from his states-based co-brother.

When asked for their response, several Brahmins living in Adyar merely arched their eyebrows, pursed their lips, and continued waiting for the December music season.

Goats Plan World Takeover

News has reached us of an evil conspiracy to uproot the world's current political structure and replace it with an oppressive regime consisting purely of goats.

From his use of metallic face-paint, it can be deduced that the evil leader of the goats is a Madonna fan.

“At last, people will bow to their rightful masters – goats!”, said a representative of Goats for Rapid Annihilation of Human Utter Losers (GRAHUL). “Hahahahahahahahahahaha”, he laughed maniacally.

“ We will summarily execute every human being on the planet – that's right we're going to give the human race a good butt butting! Hehehho!”, he smirked, using an unusual laughing style. “Yes, you noticed? Much better than the usual hahaha or heeheehee, don't you think?”, he winked.

Prince Charles'(left) resemblance to a goat (right), has helped his cause greatly. What? No resemblance? Try squinting a bit, and if that doesn't help, try closing your eyes completely.

Apparently, the goats have made an exception for Prince Charles, since he ‘kinda looked like' one of them, and hence must be reasonably goat-like. Also, they have heard him referred to several times as "That jolly old goat.", a factor that contributed to the softening of their stance.

Sources reveal that this was the last in a series of statements released by world goats aimed at sending shivers through the spines of humans and other non-goats.

Strangely, there has been no communication from the goats since last Bakrid.

Charu Sharma's Hairline Continues to Recede

Sports blader Charu Sharma continues his inexorable march towards complete baldness – his hairline has reportedly receded for the ninth consecutive year.

“There is no change in the trend, I'm afraid”, confirmed Dr. Prabhak Muneeswath of Lots of Stupid Scientists (LOSS), the organization that monitors Sharma's follicle activity (or lack thereof). “The subject's hairline has receded by about 12.8mm in the year 2004-2005.”

This means that the downward trend shown by Sharma's hairline now qualifies for the downward trend hall of fame – along with Daler Mehndi's career, the TV ratings for the UGC programme, Aishwarya Rai's fashion sense, and V.P.Singh's relevance in national politics.

A close scrutiny of the comparative hairlines of Charu Sharma and Ustad Zakir Hussain reveals why they will never trade shampoo tips.

“What it means is that . . . . “, he continued, being rudely interrupted by Sharma, who proceeded, as usual, to take control of the conversation.

“So I guess there's no chance of winning the Zakir Hussain look-alike contest this year, eh Doc?”, quipped the rapidly balding TV anchor, winking repeatedly to press home the joke. “Of course, not. Well, then, I guess I'll have to try for the Darth Maul look-alike contest then. Yippeee!!!!”, he mused, as always answering his own question before anyone else could get a word in.

Sharma poses with his lightsaber (not in picture) and millions of screaming fans (also not in picture) before the Darth Maul look-alike contest.

Tom Alter and Dr. Narottam Puri have welcomed the development, saying “ If he goes completely bald, then maybe DD will drop him, and we can again become India 's leading TV blades . Hip! Hip! Hoo . . . no, wait . . . we didn't say Three Cheers . . . .”, they trailed off.

Sharma, however, is confident, that hair loss will not cost him his job with the national broadcaster. “We've seen commentators have long careers with DD despite having far greater flaws – lack of intelligence, sporting silly beards, and having names like Kini Lal. I'm not worried.”, he said, sensibly. “I'm more worried about my chubby cheeks and mild double chin”, he added, drawing attention to two of his many other defects.

When asked for his comments, fellow irritating commentator Kris Srikkanth said “Hahahahahahahahahahaha”, before lapsing into some nonsense which we cannot publish here because we don't have a font that can simultaneously display Hindi, Tamil, Crappy English and Nasal Contortions.

Other world-famous bald guys like Kevin Spacey, Vin Diesel and Gopi Gopalan were too busy to comment

Alarmingly, women have not been frenziedly throwing themselves at Sharma – thus disproving the fondly held belief that chicks dig bald guys.