Tuesday, June 15, 2021

BJP moves Supreme Court, demands that PM Modi be appointed leader of opposition.

 by Anand Ramachandran, who believes in the omnigreatness of PM Modi.

In a sudden move that took even the keenest government watchers by surprise, the BJP has filed a writ petition before the Supreme Court of India, demanding that PM Narendra Modi be immediately appointed as the leader of the opposition in the Lok Sabha.

"A strong opposition is essential for a healthy, vibrant democracy. As the BJP and PM Modi are strongly committed to strengthening India's democratic process, we believe that it is our duty to ensure that the opposition is led by the best possible candidate - who, we can all agree, is PM Modi himself", explained senior advocate and BJP spokesperson Gaurav Bhatia, resisting the very understandable temptation to add 'none other than' before 'PM Modi himself' to make the language seem more pompous, old-fashioned, and cumbersome.

PM Narendra Modi and soon-to-be-deposed leader of the opposition Mallikarjun Kharge share their views on Rahul Gandhi in the presence of a disinterested-looking Sardarji.

The BJP Government in India has often been criticized for forcibly appointing their own candidates in positions of power, to take control of institutions like the CBI, the Reserve Bank, influential media houses, universities, religious institutions, LAN parties, spatula focus-groups, and gangs of three-year-olds who like Spider-Man. But even their most stringent critics will have to admit that this is a smart, subversive move that nobody can argue with, if you can look past the irony.

"Take THIS, those of you who constantly dig up my old tweets and joke about how I make a better opposition leader than PM. Who's laughing now, eh?", said PM Modi, taking a swipe at his legions of Twitter critics. "Those of you who said that I should respect the views of the opposition, are you happy now? There is nobody whose views I respect more than my own, so problem solved", he winked, adding that, in the interests of fairness and equality, the BJP would now file sedition cases against people who criticized the opposition leader as well.

"That's not fair! I am the leader of the opposition! He can't take that away from me! I'll tell my mother", said Congress leader Rahul Gandhi, inadvertently drawing attention to the general irrelevance of Mallikarjun Kharge by forgetting his existence. 

Spot the leader of the opposition. Skip this question of you're a member of the congress party. We understand.

"Oh, wait, what? Mallikarjun Kharge is the leader of the opposition? When did that happen?", asked a confused looking senior Congressman Salman Khurshid, disoriented by the fact that an important post in the party was held by someone not named 'Gandhi'. "Sorry, have to leave now. Need to compose an unnecessary rejoinder to Ramachandra Guha that nobody will take seriously", he added before grabbing on to someone's coattails to get to his destination.

The reaction from the general public has, as always, been mixed.

"Did the BJP just invent the BYOO political party? That's kind of cool, if you can look past the irony", quipped an excited looking Sankalesh Jimmy. "I hope this doesn't give ideas to the BCCI - next thing you know, they'll be conducting a world test championship between India and India", he quipped again, somehow causing a 30% dip in Bitcoin with a seemingly unrelated throwaway comment.

"It's no big deal. It's sort of like playing Dhalsim vs Dhalsim in Street Fighter V. Perfectly acceptable. If you can look past the eerie resemblance ro Sadhguru", grinned renowned video game expert Vinay Nilakantan.

"I think it is the right move. Why do we need democracy? Modi is the best person for all jobs. In fact, he should also be made the president of China, the prime minister of Pakistan, the captain of the German women's football team and the director-general of UNESCO, so that he can give himself all the awards he richly deserves.", said an elderly uncle known only as "KRV Mama". He, however, declined to send the message out to his relatives and friends on WhatsApp, when he realized that he actually had to take the effort to type it out instead of simply forwarding it. "No problem. Somebody else will do it anyway", he explained, shedding light on his general approach to things such as community service, cooking, and voting.

We tried really hard, but no world famous wildlife photographers could be contacted for comments. We apologize for the inconvenience.


For Surekha, who used to laugh at all my stupid shit. I'm still making up nonsense Surangani verses that rhyme with 'Pillai'. I'll tell you when I get there.

Friday, July 10, 2020

BHAKT Magazin - Issues #6 - #9

It's been a fun run so far. Here's what I've been accused of being up to this point : 

1. Hindu Hater
Because making fun of Baba Ramdev and Sadhguru (both of whom earn ridiculous amounts of money by actually conning innocent Hindus of varying degrees of sophistication into parting with their hard-earned money by peddling superstition, half-truths and outright lies)  clearly amounts to spreading hate against all Hindus. These are men who openly mock genuine Hindu tenets (austerity, truth, humility) by openly parading their egos, enjoying (and actively using) immense wealth and power, and indulging in falsification of data, media cover-ups and distorting truth (latest case in point - Patanjali damaging the reputation of all of Ayurveda by trying to market some genuinely useful but mild ayurvedic medicines as some sort of life-saving COVID drug). Saying these guys are symbols that represent all of Hinduism is like saying Bovonto is a symbol that represents all of nutrition, and making fun of it means that I am spreading hate against food.

2. Paid Congress Stooge
Yeah, right. They must be sending the money through BHIM to the wrong Anand Ramachandran.

3. Pakistan Supporter
Mainly because I never make fun of Pakistan or Islam. Judging by this yardstick, by virtue of my not having made fun of them, I am also a supporter of the following things : 
  • Diabetes
  • Arun Vijay's hairstyles
  • Getting your penis caught in a zipper
  • Global Drought and Famine
  • The Pilgrim's Progress by John Bunyan
  • Form 16A
Oh, wait...

4. Anti-National
This bothered me, so I made a simple quiz to test the hypothesis.

Monday, June 15, 2020

BHAKT Magazine - Issues #1 - #5

Well, many of you asked, so here. I'm putting up all five issues of BHAKT magazine here.

I started doing this because of a few reasons :

  1. I wanted to remind myself that I hadn't lost the ability to enjoy myself doing satire, and misplaced my usual defense mechanism of laughing like an idiot when things look bad. Just wanted to dust off some old techniques and have some fun in the process, because the laughs were drying up (no booze, no #bikang. Fuck you, COVID)
  2. The BJP government makes it almost too easy. Making fun of these guys is like taking candy from a baby, or counting Devang Gandhi's match-winning international hundreds. 
  3. Some fights need fighting. This is a government that is enabling dangerous thugs who run rampant, spreading hate, lies and violence against the defenseless. We must all raise our voices in whatever way we can, and this is one of the ways I know.
I have no idea how long I'll keep this up, but will keep posting here if possible with some additional commentary and easter eggs. 

And finally, a clarification for BJP and Modi supporters : 

Yes, I disagree with this government and the BJP as a party on several issues, many fundamental. I do not think Modi is a good PM, or the current BJP government is doing a good job.

No, I do not think Rahul Gandhi or the Congress are great solutions to our problems, I remember their corrupt, inept and distastrous time in power quite clearly. I'm not congress-funded, congi or any of the other things you guys may think.

If Modi or the BJP government returns to power and do a better job, I will be glad. I have nothing personal against them as people, just their ideologies and actions in government. If someone takes their place and continues to do a poor job, I will call them out just as vocally.

I'm a satirist, and I will go after anything I believe is wrong, unjust, incompetent or absurd. I target the BJP because they happen to be in power. I will continue to target anyone in power who abuses that power.

You are,needless to say, completely free to make fun of me in return. My rule has always been "Don't dish it out if you can't take it".

The Mad King of Dillekoostan - All Strips

This is a comic strip I did on Instagram and FB a few months ago (seems like a lifetime) during the CAA-NRC protests and the subsequent Delhi pogroms.

Some of my satire output comes, like most satire, from a place of anger. But most of it comes from a place of great sadness at what human beings are capable of doing to each other when they act from fear and anger.

Luckily, I can convert that into badly drawn comics and maybe make a few people laugh, and even fewer think a little.

Here are all of the strips I drew and wrote.

Monday, April 20, 2020

The Times of Stupid - 006

Man, this Tejasvi Surya is a fine piece of work. Hate, Islamophobia, misogyny, stupidity - all in one convenient package. Sometimes I even get how the old farts got his way, and take comfort in the fact that we'll be dead soon enough. But the young ones like Surya scare me. Such capacity for hate at such a young age. 

Also, fellow cricket fans, nostalgia is great and all that, but it's wearing a it thin no? No? Didn't think so. Just wait until the inevitable compilations of Jacob Martin's unparalleled 'defensive cover-drives'. Then we'll see.

I've also been enjoying Vidya Krishnan's reporting on Twitter from the daily Health Ministry press briefings on the COVID-19 situation. But I often wonder why they even have these briefings at all - wouldn't it be simpler to just play the same video of Lav Agarwal rambling unrelated nonsense every day on loop, so that the poor guy could free up some time without detracting any value from the reporters' experience? Maybe someone should suggest it.

Sunday, April 12, 2020

The Times of Stupid - 005

People like Rahul Kanwal sow more seeds of future violence than even most terrorist organizations. He has treated children with cruelty, violence and hate - this only propagates the cycle, never heals anything. If the media in this country truly want to end terrorism, we need to treat children with love and compassion, not tell them that the society they live in hates and mistrusts them. Kanwal's actions have just possibly created several violent young men who will undoubtedly seek revenge many years later. 

See through the lies - these people do not want to see an end to violence - that would mean they're out of jobs.

Meanwhile, I think Narendra Modi has really painted himself into a corner now. Even if he were to admit publicly to a mistake, the monster he's created would surely swallow him. 

In other news - I found out, quite by accident, that Kovid is a name in India. My commiserations, guys. I can only imagine what it would be like for me if there was a dangerous disease named 'Anand Ramachandran'.

Wednesday, April 01, 2020

The Times of Stupid - 004

Sometimes, I don't know whether to laugh or to cry. Religious bigotry. Politicization of a global pandemic. Media gags as a misguided way to 'stop panic'. A Government that asks the media to stop reporting Coronavirus numbers except from official Government sources, but looks the other way as the same media spreads hate by taking every opportunity they can to find someone to blame (migrants, muslims, whoever they don't like).

I guess I'll laugh because I'm not very good at crying.

Saturday, March 28, 2020

The Times of Stupid - 003

I understand the need to stay supportive of a Government's efforts in times of crisis, and avoid sabotaging genuine crisis management initiatives, but this Government's utter lack of empathy for the poorest and most marginalized of our people makes it impossible to do so.

It's distressing to see the privileged constantly ignoring (at best) and often berating and harassing poor labourers and immigrants, vilifying them for purportedly spreading a virus which came into India through privileged international travellers. 

At times like this, we need to empathize with the helpless, and do what we can to help them. They're scared and don't have anywhere to go, no money and no food. Our lives are not any more important than theirs, their fears and anxieties no less valid than ours.